Patricia: Ash, you know him by now. Do you really believe that he’s like that?
I hung my head in front of the computer as I thought about what she said.
Ashley: I’m positive he’s not like that. However, before, when I first told the lie, I only knew what I dreamed up about him. How was I to know that he’d turn out to be this amazing, wonderful man?
Patricia: I still think you need to tell him. Soon, the two of you will be starring in an episode of
Catfish
!
I saw that I had a message from
Imsebastiangray
. Clicking over to his message box, I clicked on it; I saw that it was an image. Taking a closer look, my heart practically stopped as I saw what Sebastian had sent. Clicking back over into Patricia’s instant message box, I wrote,
Well… as of now, I don’t think I will have any other choice.
Patricia: Why, what just happened?
Ashley: What just happened is my life is over. Sebastian just sent me a confirmation, in my name, for a round-trip ticket to New York City the weekend of the event.
Patricia: You’re kidding!!
Ashley: I wish I was. But I’m not… oh and here comes the man now…. BRB
As I glanced over into Sebastian’s message box, I saw what he had written.
Imsebastiangray: Please don’t say no. I purchased the ticket for you because you deserve, more than anyone I know, to be at this event. Please say you will come and be my guest for the weekend.
This was it. I was now out of options, and I had to face the consequences. Before I could change my mind for the millionth time, I typed,
Okay.
Imsebastiangray: GREAT! Thank you, and I honestly can’t wait to meet you!
Ashley: I hope you still feel that way when you do meet me.
Imsebastiangray: Of course I will. Ten days, baby…! We’re doing New York City in style. Have to run, but this is fucking fantastic! I’ll find you online later.
Ashley: Okay Seb, later… Oh, and thank you for the ticket. ☺
Imsebastiangray: Anytime! Bye
Ashley: Bye
In pure numbness, I clicked back into Patricia’s instant messenger box.
Patricia: Tell me! I’m dying here! What did you say?
Ashley: How do you think I’ll look in a red dress and heels…?
The rest of our conversation was lost on me. I could barely keep my food down as the magnitude of this situation hit me over the head. Over and over I thought,
Ten days until the end of my world
.
September 17th
AND NOW
it was
Doomsday
as Celeste’s message had reminded me. Whipping the covers off my head, I knew I had to get out of bed and face the morning. There was no going back, so I might as well deal with the tangled web I’d woven. I was in New York City, and in just a few hours, I would be meeting Sebastian face-to-face. His flight was arriving at about the time the event started, so we had decided to just meet at the venue. At that point Sebastian would see that I was indeed a man and not the girl he had befriended and trusted for all these months. I had no idea what was going to happen. My only plan so far was to beg his forgiveness for all the lies I had told and hope to be able to hang on to some shred of our friendship.
Picking up my iPhone, I read Celeste’s message.
Seb4life: Ashley!!! I’m so excited to finally be meeting you tonight! And Sebastian… of course Sebastian! But how thrilling to finally meet you after all this time?
Ashley: Hey, Celeste. I’m excited too. Are you in town already?
Seb4life: Yes, and now I have to find a way to spend my day until time for the event. OMG, I’m so happy to finally be meeting him! BTW, how will I find you?
Immediately I pictured myself in a dress with high heels only to find myself toppling out of them in the first three steps. But I knew I would be dressed as I was—a man in love who was about to have his heart broken.
Ashley: I’ll probably have on jeans and a T-shirt.
Seb4life: Gosh, Ashley, you’ll look like everyone else there.
I smiled as I thought,
that’s the plan
.
Ashley: Don’t worry… you’ll find me. ☺
Seb4life: Okay…. Well I guess I’ll see you later Ashley!
Ashley: Ok, Celeste! See you soon.
As I signed out of my Facebook account, I thought about how things might play out today. Best-case scenario would be that Sebastian would take one look at me and laugh. Maybe he would find it funny that I had been able to fool him all these months and be completely understanding of why I let him believe I was a girl in the first place. Sighing deeply, I knew it would more likely be the worst-case scenario. Sebastian would take one look at me and realize I was a deceiving lying twit who didn’t deserve to be his friend. After all, had he ever lied to me?
I walked over to my suitcase, which was lying exactly where I had tossed it when I arrived at the hotel last night. It had been late, and I’d barely made it to the bed before falling onto it and passing out. Telling a full-time lie and carrying it out for months was simply exhausting. Part of me was glad I finally had no choice other than to come clean. I reached in and pulled out my black slim-cut jeans. After throwing them onto the bed, I dug through the rest of my clothes, looking for my Captain America T-shirt. I had decided to just go as me—no trying to make myself look better—just plain ole Ashley from Savannah. I grabbed the clothes and some clean underwear and walked toward the bathroom. Hopefully a hot shower would boost my energy and nerves.
I spent the next few hours walking around Times Square. New York City never ceased to amaze me with all the excitement that radiated from nearly every building. It was highly contagious, and I found myself enjoying the sites in spite of my impending doom. I was walking around Grand Central Station when I glanced up to the huge clock above the information booth to see that it was almost five o’clock. Internally gathering all the courage I could find, I hailed a taxi and made my way down to the venue on Twenty-Third Street where the event was beginning. As I climbed out of the cab, I looked around. There were people in every direction as far as I could see, but no one who resembled Sebastian. I paid the cab driver, took a deep breath, and then walked up to the front door. I knew the event was held in an older bar in the city, but as I walked inside, I was surprised the lighting was so dim.
Maybe that could work in my favor
, I thought as I glanced around the room. Like most bars in New York City, it was very narrow. There were booths lining the wall across from a bar with a pool table in the very back room. I could also see a set of steps that led up to a second floor. As I waited on the lady to sign me in, I noticed all the old album covers from rock bands of the sixties, seventies, and eighties. It was as if I’d stepped into a time machine and ended up in 1970.
“Good evening, sir. Could I get your name?” the lady at the small half counter asked as I approached her.
“Uh… Ashley Stevens,” I replied nervously, looking around to make sure no one was nearby.
She scanned her register, and I watched as she checked my name off the list. She handed me a nametag, which proudly displayed ASHLEY, and I promptly put in my pocket.
“Sir, it might be helpful for you to wear your nametag. That way everyone will have an easier time finding people they know.”
I looked at her and said firmly, “I will put it on once I’ve been inside for a few moments, if that’s okay. I’m not sure I’m staying.”
“Of course, that’ll be fine. The event is up the stairs in the second bar,” she said, pointing over to a set of stairs.
Judging from the laughter and excitement coming from upstairs, I knew the answer but asked anyway. “Is Sebastian Gray here yet?”
“Yes, he arrived a few minutes ago.”
Those few words sent my body into anxiety mode. I was twitching in places that I had never twitched before. My knees suddenly became very weak, and for a minute, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make myself walk up the stairs. However, I had come this far, so I forced myself to climb the steps and look into the doorway of the event, careful not to be seen by anyone in the room. Immediately I spotted him over in the center of the room, surrounded by a group of people. Even in person, he was so beautiful, like a radiating light that shone down on everyone. I watched as he spoke to a group of ladies who were giggling and gushing all over him. He smiled and posed as he moved from one person to the next, taking a photo with each one. Then I saw him glance down at his watch and look around the room. Instinctively I knew he was looking for me. Panic hit me as I felt my stomach plummet to my knees, and I stepped back out of sight. I had to find a restroom. Quickly walking back the other way, past the stairs, I saw an arrow pointing out that there were restrooms farther back… in the dark. Groping my way along, I saw the door marked Men and slipped inside. I threw myself into one of the stalls and just sat down on the toilet. After sitting there for several minutes, trying to settle my stomach, I heard someone come in the door.
“Yeah… yeah… hold on one minute… yes, I want to make sure no one is in here,” said the voice from the front of the restroom.
Instantly my ears were in full listening mode. I knew that voice. It was Sebastian! Shit! I couldn’t let him find out this way… not in the men’s room. Quickly I pulled my feet up so that he couldn’t see me in the stall. Holding my breath, I watched Sebastian’s shadow as he moved from stall to stall to make sure no one was in the restroom.
“Okay, it’s clear,” Sebastian said to whomever he was talking to on the cell phone.
I listened, forcing myself to remain in complete silence.
Sebastian continued to carry on his conversation with an unknown person. “That’s not what I said…. No! I never said that! Listen, I’m well aware of the rumors out there about me being gay, but I know how to handle an interview. When that question came up, I was very careful to make sure I said nothing that would lead to my being found out. No one will find out I’m gay… I’m sure… yes….”
My heart practically stopped….
Wait… what? Sebastian’s gay?
“I’m sure, okay?” Sebastian said, sounding very frustrated.
I didn’t understand. Why didn’t he tell me? Actually, he had always led me to believe he was straight. He even went so far as to tell me about his girlfriend. What the fuck? I didn’t know if I was ecstatic to find out this news or brokenhearted he didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. I waited a few more seconds as I heard Sebastian getting ready to hang up from his call.
“Listen, Mike, I have to get back to the fan event. Please find that guy from the E! channel, and make sure he prints what I actually said. It can’t get out that I’m gay, not at this point in my career.”
So that’s why he’s lying
, I thought as I sat hidden in a bathroom stall with my feet pulled up around me. The irony was not lost on me as I continued to listen.
“Okay, I really have to go. I’ll call you after I’m back at the hotel. I have a friend meeting me, so it might be late.”
I heard Sebastian leave the restroom, and I waited a full minute before placing my feet back on the ground. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. All this time I had been lying to Sebastian about being a girl, and he was harboring a huge secret himself. Looking around the inside of my dark restroom stall, I contemplated how to handle this new twist in the situation. Finally I decided that I needed to face him and get my lie out in the open. Then I would deal with
his
big lie.
I LEFT
the restroom in a daze. I still couldn’t believe what I had just heard. But had it really changed anything? He was still Sebastian. He was still the hot, funny, charming man I spoke with every night online right? I had to believe that all we had shared was real… well other than his girlfriend stuff and my own fabrication. Would all these lies be too much for our short friendship to overcome? My head was spinning as I processed this new information. Slowly making my way back to the door that led to the event, I decided the best thing would be to just watch from a distance until I could get a moment alone with him. That’s when I would tell him my name and hope my world wouldn’t come crashing down. The fact that I now knew he was gay was neither here nor there. I had to confess to my own lie and let the chips fall where they may.
Walking into the room, which was only slightly brighter than the outside hallway, I passed by a few older women and glanced at their nametags. I recognized one of them, but I kept moving. Most people wouldn’t know me by face since I had no photographs of me up on the Facebook page. So with my own nametag safely tucked away in my shirt pocket, I was basically safe from being recognized. My breath was taken away as I again caught a glimpse of Sebastian surrounded by a small group of people. He was smiling, both of those gorgeous dimples on full display. Quickly I skirted around two tables and made my way over to the cash bar, near the back of the room. Careful not to attract any attention to myself, I ordered a beer before turning around to watch the activities in the room. There were a few people sitting down at the tables waiting their turn to speak to Sebastian. A few were standing over at the bar with me—no doubt afraid to speak to him. I smiled slightly at one of the ladies and quickly turned around to pay for my beer before she got the idea I was in the mood to chat. As I stood with my back to the crowd, I could feel my anxiety going into overload. I knew it was only a matter of time before they started the event, and God help me if they decided to do individual introductions.
After standing there for what seemed like an eternity, I heard Sebastian telling someone that he would be right back. He was expecting someone and wanted to see if they were outside. As I watched him walking quickly to the exit, I knew it was now or never. I looked around to see if anyone was watching before I took off after him. I managed to slip out of the side door near the bar and walked back toward the staircase. I went downstairs and headed toward the front of the building. I saw Sebastian talking to the lady at the entrance, and as he looked up with a confused expression, I knew he had found out I had already checked in.