Slowly I walked toward him before stopping at the corner. When he looked in my direction, I motioned for him to come over to the side where I was standing alone. At first he hesitated, looking behind him to make sure I wasn’t motioning to someone else before turning back to slowly walk over to me.
“Did you need something?” Sebastian asked in a puzzled voice.
I stared at him, and my heart felt as if it were breaking in a million pieces. Damn he was so fucking gorgeous! Why had I lied all that time? Now I was going to pay for everything I had done.
Taking a deep breath, I said quietly, “Hi, Sebastian, I’m Ashley.”
He gave me this intense look before saying, “Ashley…?” He raised his eyebrows as if he were waiting for my last name.
“Ashley… the Ashley that talks online with you every night.”
My heart was pounding so hard I just knew he could visualize it outside of my tight T-shirt.
“What are you talking about? That Ashley is a gir—”
He stopped in midsentence as he realized with full force the lie I had fed him all these months. As he looked me up and down, his expression changed from confused to upset to flat-out disbelief. I just stood there not knowing what to say.
“Ash… shit! You’re a guy!”
“I know. Sebastian, I’m so sorry, really I am. I swear I didn’t mean to lie to you! It started out innocently enough, and before I knew it, days turned into weeks, which turned into months—” I was babbling before Sebastian cut me off.
“Wow! Wait.” He looked at me incredulously. “You’re not lying, are you? You really are Ashley, my Ashley….”
I didn’t know what to say next. All I could do was mumble, “I’m so sorry, Sebastian.”
He looked at me as if he still couldn’t believe it was me. “But why would you lie about something like that? We had such a connection… or at least I thought we did.” Sebastian seemed to be hurt, which made me feel even lower than I thought possible.
“That’s just it, Seb. The connection
was
there, and when you just assumed I was a girl, which could only be due to my name, I couldn’t bring myself to possibly ruin it by telling you I was a guy.”
“But that’s ridiculous! Why would I care if you’re a girl or a guy?” Sebastian asked.
“That’s just it! You probably wouldn’t have cared, but when you made the comment that I was a girl, I thought maybe that was the only reason you contacted me. I thought maybe you found it easier to talk to girls.”
But had I known you were gay, I might not have thought that!
Oh, how I wanted to scream that out at him. But I knew this was not about his lie, this was about me and what I had done.
“But Ash… that doesn’t excuse the fact that you flat-out lied to me, on numerous occasions. You’ve had more than enough time to tell me the truth,” Sebastian said with a hint of anger in his voice.
Hearing his tone made me more nervous, so I began to ramble. “Sebastian, please listen to me. I wanted to tell you over and over, but it just never seemed to be the right time.”
Sebastian looked at me like I had three heads. “The right time? Five months wasn’t enough time for you to say, ‘oh by the way, Sebastian, I’m a guy… thought you should know.’ Fuck! No wonder you didn’t want to come up here and meet me.”
Okay, so now he was really mad.
“Please, Sebastian… can’t you understand? Remember all those nights we talked and laughed and shared things? Remember how connected we felt?”
“I remember,” Sebastian said quietly.
“Then you must understand why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I was falling in love with you—with Sebastian—not the Hollywood celebrity or the television star… but the real you. I couldn’t risk losing that.”
“Ashley, do you hear yourself? How in the hell would we have ever been able to have a relationship over the Internet? At some point I was going to find out. For fuck’s sake, what were you thinking?”
“That’s just it; I don’t know what I was thinking. It was just stupid insecurity on my part. I wanted to get to know you—the real you.”
Sebastian looked at me with sadness in his eyes. “Then why didn’t you let me get to know the real you?”
“You do know the real me… well other than I’m a guy. But everything I told you during our chats was true! Well mostly true, I don’t really jog—”
“Shit, Ashley! How am I supposed to believe anything you say?” Sebastian asked.
I reached out to him, and he jerked away. “Listen, I can’t do this right now. They’re waiting for me upstairs,” Sebastian said as he turned to walk away.
“Please, Sebastian, don’t walk away now.” I was begging, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t lose him. I just couldn’t.
Looking back at me, he said, “Ashley… just go. I can’t deal with this, and frankly, I don’t know that I can be friends with someone who has lied to me since the minute I met them.”
The angry voice was back, and my heart shattered. The moment I had been dreading for months had finally arrived. I had gambled and lost. I didn’t say another word. I just turned and ran out the door.
I PRACTICALLY
ran all the way back to the hotel, not taking the time to hail a taxi. I just kept going until I reached my hotel on Fifty-First Street. I had never been so overwhelmed with heartbreaking pain in my life. As I got to my hotel room, I sat down on the edge of my bed and pulled out my cell phone. Sebastian had given me his cell number ages ago, but until now, I had never called him. But now that he knew all about me, my voice wouldn’t make a difference any longer.
I pulled up his telephone number, and my finger was poised over the Send button, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t call him while he was at the event. Okay, so I’d write him an e-mail, and hopefully he’d see it when he returns to his hotel room. Opening my laptop, I waited for it to start up. Meanwhile thoughts ran through my mind.
I know I lied, but so had he… well not technically… I mean I never asked him if he was gay or straight. But then again, if I looked at it that way, he never asked me if I was a girl or guy. But I had let him assume it on many occasions and never straightened him out. So I guess I’m definitely more in the wrong than him.
With my heart feeling like it was in my throat, I pulled up my e-mail and started writing to Sebastian.
Dear Seb, please at least try to understand. We have too much of a bond to completely throw it
—I stopped midsentence and erased it. I sounded like a puppy begging and that
bond
thing was assumed on my part… or was it? Looking down, I started typing again.
Sebastian, how can you be so angry at me? I overheard you saying you were gay… so isn’t that the same as what I did?
I erased it immediately—too passive aggressive.
My last thought was to just flat-out tell him what I thought.
Seb, what the hell? I wasn’t the only one who lied!!!
Sighing, I erased that one as well.
Closing my laptop, I knew it was useless. Sebastian would either think about it and forgive me, or I had to accept that whatever I had with him was now gone. I got up and walked over to my suitcase. I knew I couldn’t stay in the city for fear of making things worse, and I knew he wouldn’t come to see me at the hotel. I began to pack my things, as I was leaving New York tonight.
September 30th
SO HERE
it was, two weeks after that horrible confrontation in New York City, and I hadn’t heard a word from Sebastian. Apparently he had just moved on with his life—one that didn’t include Ashley, the man. On the other hand, I could hardly make it through the workday before rushing home to get online and see that Sebastian wasn’t there… again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. It was like I was in mourning over the death of friendship or perhaps even love itself. All I knew for sure was that I was absolutely miserable.
Tonight was slowly becoming the same as all the other nights. I was flipping around the Internet, hoping that something would catch my attention and cheer me up, when I saw that
Imsebastiangray
had just come online. My first instinct was to click on his name to see if he would respond, but I stopped myself. I had survived two weeks without talking to him. Surely, I could survive another few minutes. Besides, I wanted him to make the first move.
After about ten minutes and all my fingernails chewed down to the quick, I saw Sebastian’s chat window pop up, requesting to chat. My heart pounded intensely as I read,
Hey, Ashley.
At first I thought maybe I shouldn’t answer him, show him that I still had some pride remaining, but my heart still ruled over my head.
Ashley: Hey, Sebastian.
Imsebastiangray: How have you been?
My heart sunk as quickly as it had perked up.
That’s it? No I’m sorry…. Please come back… I miss you…? Well damn, maybe I should tell him I’ve been having the time of my life—much like Baby from
Dirty Dancing. Trying to figure out how to respond, I decided I should act like everything is okay.
Ashley: I’ve been fine. How about you?
Imsebastiangray: To be honest, not so great.
Instantly, my self-preservation flew out the window, and all I could think about was Sebastian and why he had not been so great.
Ashley: What do you mean? Are you okay?
I knew I needed to stop acting so needy, but dammit, I missed him!
Imsebastiangray: I’m fine… well other than I’ve missed chatting with you.
And with those words, my heart was again pounding.
Ashley: Then where have you been for two weeks?
Imsebastiangray: At home, sulking, trying to decide how to handle this.
Ashley: Are you saying that you’re willing to forgive me for what I did?
Okay, that sounded pathetic.
Stop sounding so needy
, I reminded myself.
Imsebastiangray: I didn’t say that. Damn, Ash… that was a huge lie to tell.
Ashley: And I told you why I did it. I know it’s not an excuse, but at the time I didn’t have a clue that we would become closer.
Imsebastiangray: So that’s supposed to excuse you for not telling me in the last few months? Shit, Ashley! Even if I can get past the reason why you led me to believe you were a girl, I’m not sure I can get past the fact that the lie continued after we became friends.
Now I was becoming angry. Talk about a hypocrite!
Ashley: I don’t know what to say anymore, Sebastian. I explained why, I’ve said I’m sorry. Either you will forgive me or you won’t.
Imsebastiangray: It’s not that simple.
Ashley: It seems pretty simple to me. I was wrong—dead wrong. I’m sorry, Sebastian, I can’t go back and change what I did. You either have to choose to forgive me or not.
Imsebastiangray: How can I trust you after this? Are there any more lies that you’re conveniently keeping from me? Am I going to find out three months from now that you’re married with two kids?
Okay, all bets were off. I had thrown out the white flag, and he had ignored it… no, he had stomped on it.
Ashley: Well you’re a fine one to be talking about someone lying.
Imsebastiangray: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ashley: Exactly what it sounds like. You have been lying as well.
Imsebastiangray: When have I ever lied to you?
Ashley: Well, technically you didn’t, but dammit, Sebastian, I know your secret.
Imsebastiangray: My secret?
Ashley: That you’re gay!
There was no writing from the other end of the chat. I was still so ticked off that I wasn’t worried at the moment, but I knew I would be if he didn’t answer. I waited a few more seconds.
Imsebastiangray: What are you talking about? Those are only rumors!
Ashley: Is it a rumor when it’s coming straight out of your mouth?
Imsebastiangray: What?
Ashley: Sebastian, stop! I heard you in New York… in the restroom… you were telling someone on the phone that you didn’t want it out that you were gay. Apparently, somebody in an interview was trying to misquote you.
Imsebastiangray: Oh okay…. So now you’re an eavesdropping liar.
Okay, that hurt. I mean that
really
hurt. I struggled to try and explain.
Ashley: Sebastian, please! Let’s just stop. This is getting out of hand. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. I had gone into the restroom to try and get myself together before approaching you and coming clean to you about being a guy. You came in and were on the phone. I didn’t want you to find out about my lie while standing in a dark restroom in New York, so I hid in one of the stalls so that you wouldn’t see me.
Imsebastiangray: You know what? You’re right; this is getting out of hand. I was going to tell you that I will be in Savannah next week working on a movie and perhaps we could talk. But I see now, there is no use in that. Just forget it.
And boom—Sebastian was gone. He clicked right out of our chat and disappeared. For a moment I was in shock until I realized he might not ever chat with me again. Putting my head in my hands, I just closed my eyes.
Why couldn’t I just keep my big mouth shut?
Now, I’ve really ruined everything!
October 14th
AS I
walked through the historic district of Savannah, I thought about how awful the past week had been. If I had thought the two weeks after New York were bad, then these past two weeks had been hell. After Sebastian left our chat—hung up on me—I had plastered photos of myself all over Facebook. So that if by chance he bothered to look, he would see me as a man, a nurse, and as a vampire this past Halloween. But I made my point. Let him look, let him see that I was real.