Tears on My Pillow (12 page)

January 6
th
2014

Monday

Jakari

     I walk into the front door of Rosemond University feeling tired and depressed. I hadn’t been getting any sleep the past few days. I initially wasn’t sleeping because I had no idea where my wife was and then last night even though I knew she was under the same roof as me I couldn’t hold her, touch her, talk to her, or make love to her like I had done for more than a decade. I don’t know what I can do at this point to save our marriage. I don’t want to do too much and she walk out because she feels like I am breaking the rules but I don’t want to sit on my hands and then she decides to leave and I feel like I didn’t do anything to keep her. I shake my head as I round the corner and knock on Dean Lance Bradford’s office door. Lance opens the door and waves me inside.

     “Good morning, Lance”
I say as he steps behind his desk.

     “Good morning, Professor Roberson”
He says sounding way more professional than normal. I take notice of his professional and formal tone and begin to think that maybe this isn’t some little beginning of the semester bullshit meeting.
“Please have a seat.”

     I sit down and wait to find out what is going on.
“Professor Roberson I am definitely sorry to have to call you here under these circumstances just after the holiday season but it is something that has to be done.”
Oh okay so this dude sound like he bout to give that you no longer have a job speech. I keep quiet allowing him to continue.
“Unfortunately over the vacation there were two complaints filed against you.”

     “Complaints? Complaints about what? Everyone in this school knows I go above and beyond for my students!”
I shift a little in my seat trying to remain calm until I fully understand why I am here but it better not be to question my work ethic because that is on point.

     “Well, two complaints have been filed. One from a student and one from another young woman that says you have been using your power as a professor to your advantage.”
Lance pauses or should I say Dean Bradford because as cold as this nigga is treating me right now you would never be able to tell we grew up together.

     “Using my position to my advantage how? Who has filed these accusations? This is ludicrous!”
I am now sitting up straight with my back as stiff as a board.

     Lance adjusts his tie and leans forward towards his desk.
“You know I am not really supposed to divulge that information but I will make an exception for you. If you approach either one of them about this situation I will fire you immediately.”

     “I appreciate you doing this for me and I won’t address them at all. You have my word.”

     Azia Collins and Kelly Hughs are the two that have filed complaints. Ms. Collins alleges that you were requiring sexual favors in return for higher grades and Ms. Hughs says that you promised to help her move up in the company if she performed for you sexually.”
He leans back in his burgundy high back plush leather seat as he waits for me to respond.

     I can’t fucking believe this shit. These bitches want to play with my career. I really can’t take too much more a nigga bout to snap! My wife is weighing the option of leaving me and now I am sitting in my bosses’ office listening to him basically tell me that I am going to be fired because I was dumb and fucked the wrong two hoes! I stand up and grab my brief case
“None of this is true.”

     “Jakari I know you are upset and I know that if I were in your position I would feel the same way. Please sit down.”

     “Upset is an understatement man. I have worked too hard to get into this position here at Rosemond and I am not going to let two liars strip me of that.”
I reluctantly sit down. I’m feeling a little bit pissed at Lance as well because we ran together and I know his ass ain’t no saint either so I hope he isn’t going to try and get all high and mighty with me. I am not even lying when I say this playa done been up in more ass than me and I know I have had my share and couple of other brother’s shares as well.

     “Jakari, you know we go way back. I am going to do everything I can to help you. The first thing I was able to accomplish is to keep the investigation and allegations low key until all the decision has been made as to your innocence or guilt. You, however, have to write a statement as to the extent of your involvement with these two ladies and I urge you to be honest so that I can continue to help. I need that statement in my email no later than five o’clock on the evening on January 13
th
which is next Monday.”

     “Alright, I can definitely do that. I actually can do you one better I will have it laying here on your desk before I leave this afternoon.”
I stand up and stretch my hand over his desk so we can shake hands.

     “Jakari there is one more thing I need to go over with you before you leave.”

     “Oh okay sure.”
I say and sit back down on the edge of the chair.

     “I have to place you on suspension until the investigation is over. That means that you won’t be able to come on campus or go to any events hosted by Rosemond University until the investigation is complete and you are cleared of the charges.”

     My mouth falls open and my head drops down. I can’t believe this shit right here. I take a couple of deep breaths trying to steady my emotions and keep it professional.
“I’m sorry Jakari but this is definitely the best option we have at this point.”
I nod my head, stand up and extend my hand again. We shake hands and I walk out of his office confused and pissed. I know damn well it isn’t a coincidence that Kelly and Azia both filed complaints at the same time. Those two bitches were working together. What I didn’t know is why they were working together and how they knew each other.

     I exit the building and begin walking across the parking lot.  I scan the parking lot looking for Qia’s burnt orange Mitsubishi eclipse and I am shocked when I don’t see it anywhere. She always keeps the same school schedule every semester. I look down at my watch and see that it is after ten o’clock she should have been here before eight o’clock. My heart begins to sink as I wonder again where my wife is and what she is doing. I unlock my car door and sink down in the black cloth seats and wonder if this is how Qia felt. She never knew exactly where I was or who I was with and certainly not what I may have been doing. I don’t see how she could have lived like that because it is killing me. I slam my fist against the steering wheel as I think about all the things I should have changed that would have saved me from this bullshit. If I can get another chance at life with my sweet Qia, I am certainly going to give her everything she deserves, starting with all of me.

     I stop by Longmeadow House of Flowers on Shaker Road and pick up a bouquet of blue roses. Qia said she didn’t want me invading her space or trying to have sex with her she didn’t say anything about me not romancing her. I think these blue roses are just the thing. They symbolize love and prosperity and I certainly want both of those for her and with her. I select a nice porcelain vase with an Ombre of blue color. The roses look exquisite sitting in that bad boy. I swing by the liquor store and pick up my Johnnie Walker and go home.

     I walk into the house and the first thing I do is take the vase out of its wrapping and place the roses in it with a little bit of water. I situate the vase in the center of her desk with a note written on specialty paper which has a faded image of the sun shining bright in the blue sky with a few birds soaring high above the clouds and the ocean below. I smile a little hoping this will put a smile on my baby’s face and warm her heart a little towards me. I lean the note against the side of the vase facing the office door.

     I go in the kitchen and grab my glass and head to the bedroom. I get undressed and sit on the side of the bed. I fill my glass with my preferred drink and guzzle it down. I fill my glass again and take a big gulp before going into the bathroom. I turn on the shower and step in. I stretch out my arms and lean on the glass wall of the shower with my back to the shower head. I let the hot water beat down on my back hoping it will help to release some of the tension I feel all throughout my muscles. I would normally go to the gym and work out if I had some free time or needed to relieve some pressure but I couldn’t do that today.

     The water feels wonderful pounding against my back so I close my eyes and try to let myself feel a little bit of joy during this sad stressful time. I don’t know what I am going to do but I have to do something about Azia and Kelly. The funny thing is I know they are going to call me trying to see if they have scared me into choosing one of them so I’ll wait. If I have to lose my job to keep my wife and my marriage so be it but I will take those bitches down with me. Honestly Rosemond University is the least of my worries right now. I need my wife and that’s all.

     I stand there thinking about Qia and how beautiful she is. How intelligent and independent she is. How she knows what I like and what I need. How trusting she is, well use to be, of me. How her mouth feels gliding up and down my dick. That little thing she does with her tongue on the tip of my shit. How her pussy fits my rod like a well-tailored suit. Damn I wish I could make love to her right now and pour all of my love inside of her. I know she would be able to feel how much I love her and how much I need her if we could just spend some much needed time together. I think of how she works her hips when she is riding me. I picture her ass pounding up and down, up and down until she loses control. I look down and I see my dick saluting. I wrap my hand around my rigid pole and begin to stroke it fast and steady. All I can think about is how I miss my wife and wish that my hand was her warm wet pussy sliding up and down from the tip to the shaft of my dick. I shudder as I remember how good it feels when her pussy swallows my dick.
“Ummm…shit!”
I say as I feel my nut coming. I enjoy a few more strokes before I start shaking and my cum shoots out and splashes on the glass wall in front of me. I slow my strokes as I tremble a little from my release and allow the rest of my cum to drip onto the shower floor and down the drain.

     I turn around and reach up to grab the shower head and pull it down so that I can wash the evidence of how much I miss my wife off the glass. I lock the shower head back in its holster and wash myself. I finish right before the water turns ice cold. I dry off and wrap my black towel around my waist and go back into the bedroom. I don’t bother turning on the television because I know I won’t be watching it. I grab my glass drink what’s left in it and refill it before I can even finish swallowing what’s in my mouth. I don’t know why I continued to cheat on Qia. It is certainly nothing she did or didn’t do. I honestly think that I cheated on her because that is just something I was used to doing. I didn’t need or desire any of the women I messed around with. The sex was nice but it was nothing compared to how my wife and I make love and fuck when we feel the need to be dirty.

     I used to run through women like toilet tissue. I couldn’t have cared any less about their feelings and how they felt when I left them out by the curb for trash pickup. The only woman I ever cared about and how she felt is Qia. That is why I always went through great lengths to make sure that she never found out because I didn’t want to hurt her. What I should have done was stop this childish habit. I go to pour me some more liquor and discover that the bottle is empty. I slam it on the nightstand and fall back on the bed. I hate crying. I think that when a man does it he is weak. But today, I’m weak, so the tears come and I don’t stop them.

January 6
th
2014

Monday

Qia

      I left bright and early this morning for my eight o’clock doctor’s appointment. I am surprised and thankful when I am finished with all the tests by ten o’clock. My first day of classes for the new semester went well. I have to admit I am a little shocked when the end of my day comes and Jakari hadn’t come by my classroom to see me, but I figured he is doing as I have asked and is giving me space. I never really realized how much seeing him during the day meant to me until today when it didn’t happen. I sit in our driveway looking at the back of Jay’s black 2013 Dodge Charger. I don’t really know what is going to happen between us but I know that even if I walk away my heart will always remain with him.

     I get out the car and decide that I will cook dinner tonight. I’m not going to hide in that bedroom all evening. If Jakari can’t respect my rules then I can just make good on my threat. Honestly it would do my heart some good to see him even if I want to slap that pretty black color off of his face. I smile as I think about how nice it would be to enjoy dinner in my husband’s arms and then enjoy some of that chocolate lollipop for desert.

     I walk in the door lay my keys on the small table and kick my heels off on the matt behind the door. I go into my office to put my briefcase on my desk and I see a beautiful bouquet of blue roses in the most beautiful porcelain vase I have ever laid my eyes on. I take my cell out of my briefcase and place my brief case in the chair behind my desk. My heart begins to fill so full and I grab some Kleenex off my desk and catch the tears before they can fall from my eyes. How can a man who would give me the moon and the stars find space in his heart to cheat. I love him so much. I lay my phone down on top of my desk. I lift one of the roses out of the vase and raise it up to my nose. I close my eyes
“Why Jakari? Why?”
I whisper into the top of the rose. When I open my eyes I notice the note leaning against the vase. The stationary is beautiful. It reminds me of a hot summer day in Jamaica. The note says ‘I am ready to have a real conversation whenever you are.’

     I know it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I gave that man everything. I gave him all of me. I never once shared what I know is only him to enjoy. I am a sophisticated lady in the streets and a freaky freak in the bed so I am not sure what it is he is looking for but I hope he finds it. I place the rose back in the vase pick up my cell and go to the kitchen. When I pass the hallway leading to our bedroom I can see that the light is on. I wonder what he is doing. I don’t hear the television so either it’s not on or he has it down really low.

     When I step in the kitchen I make a mental note that I need to bring my mother her crystal punch bowl and ladle this weekend. I don’t want to be responsible for anything happening to it because that bowl is like her 5
th
child. I lay my phone on the kitchen table. I put a pot of water on for the spaghetti and grab the ground beef out of the fridge. I dice my onions and bell pepper and leave them on the cutting board while I let my meet brown and season it. I go into the living room and turn on the TV.  Dr. Phil is going to be responsible for keeping me company this evening.

     I dump my bell pepper and onion into the ground beef and mix it up. I turn the heat down just a tad grab my phone off the table and go back into the living room and sit on the couch. I check my notifications and a part of me hopes that it’s Jay wanting to talk. The other part of me knows that I am probably not ready to hear what he has to say. It’s actually have a text from Tiffani. It says

I guess you been busy keeping it spicy with J because I haven’t heard from you!

I wish that was the case.

Umm what’s up? Why you wishing?

I don’t want to burden you with my issues. How are you?

Oh no you didn’t?

     I am getting ready to text Tiffani back when my phone rings.
“Hello.”

     “I know you didn’t try to change the subject on me Ms. Lady!”
I can hear her attitude all through her statement.

     “I’m sorry Tiff. It’s nothing against you but I normally keep my marriage life private.”
I get up and go in the kitchen to check the food.

     “Girl there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping your marriage life between the two of you. However, the only time a woman does that is if her husband is cheating, has a drug addiction, or is abusive so which one is it?”

     “Tiffani, seriously I’m good.”
I dump the spaghetti into the colander and drain the grease from the hamburger.

     “You know what Qia? I know you are a very private person in most aspects of your life not just your marriage. However, I am not trying to get in your business. I have been married for over ten years and I know what a struggle it can be. I just want to help if I can.”
I remain quiet. I want someone to talk to but I am scared if I do then people will judge Jakari if I decide to stay with him.

     “
Okay so you’re still going to keep quiet, huh? Let me take a stab at this. I don’t think Jakari is a drug addict and I know damn well he isn’t abusive because I saw first-hand how he worships the ground you walk on. Therefore, I am willing to bet my life that he is or has cheated. Would that be a fair statement?”

     I am in shock that she was able to evaluate my situation like that so without meaning to I say
“Yes.”

     “Look my husband and I have a wonderful marriage but we have weathered some severe storms. I know you don’t want to divulge all of your business but don’t let a weak moment take away what you and Jakari have. I know it may be hard to swallow but everyone deserves a second chance. If you love him then you are not losing anything by giving it your all.”

     “Thank you Tiffani. I really appreciate you talking to me.”

     “No problem. Call me later.”

     I hang up the phone thinking about what she said and feeling like she is right. I pour my spaghetti sauce in the pan with the meat and sprinkle a little sugar on top. I mix everything together and turn the meat sauce down to a simmer. I go and sit back on the couch replaying everything Tiffani said in my mind.

     I finish eating and clean up the kitchen. I make Jakari a plate and leave it on the table so he can see it when he comes into the kitchen. I then head to my new bedroom to take a shower. It dawns on me that I haven’t heard a peep from Jakari since I got home so I walk down to the end of the hall and look in the room. He is laying there sprawled out on the bed sleep or better yet passed out if I go by the empty Johnnie Walker Blue bottle sitting on the night stand and the empty glass lying on the bed next to him. I am beginning to worry about him because I think this drinking thing has become his knew escape. I blow him a kiss turn around and go back to my room.