The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse (19 page)

Some may think that running over an alien is the end of the story, but even direct hits are no guarantee of a clean kill. It may be necessary to drive over the body a second or even a third time to finish it off. Driving over an alien's head on a hard surface almost always guarantees a quick kill. These bull's-eyes can generally be distinguished by a loud popping sound beneath the tires.

If a body does not roll out from under the back of your car, stop and carefully check the undercarriage and grill. Body parts can easily get caught up in the undercarriage and will need to be disentangled. Dislodge lumps of alien flesh and gristle from under the car with a stick, and hose off any entrails when you get home. Be thorough; aliens have an uncanny way of tracking missing body parts.

Be wary of alien roadkill. It may be a trap. Aliens have been known to feign death by the roadside and then pounce on hapless do-gooders when they stop to render assistance. Watch for carrion pulling off bits of loose flesh or, if you are still unsure, drive over the body once or twice and see what happens. Fresh alien roadkill can be eaten, if you don't mind a gamey taste. During World War II, two Royal Air Force pilots were forced to live off alien flesh for a week when their Lancaster bomber was downed in the French Alps after colliding with a UFO. They described it as being very similar in taste and texture to wild boar and “not altogether unpalatable.”

FIGURE 4.7:
Drive over the body a second time.

THE AFTERMATH: LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS AND BEHAVIORAL GUIDELINES

The cold light of reality eventually dawns on us all. If they clap you in handcuffs as you stand amidst a steaming pile of alien corpses, what are your rights? Killing an extraterrestrial is relatively easy. Escaping from the legal aftermath could be your greatest challenge.

However, this may not be as big of a problem as it first appears. There are no national or international laws that govern the treatment of extraterrestrials. So, even if you are caught with a smoking gun, you cannot be charged with killing a creature that, in the eyes of the law, does not exist. Such cases would never get to court. The worst that could possibly happen is a night in a cell, before the federal authorities or special-ops units come in to tidy up the mess made by local law-enforcement officers. The last thing the government wants to do is acknowledge the existence of aliens, for by so doing, they also acknowledge their complicity in the global cover-up. Your case will be quickly and professionally hushed up. Evidence will disappear, witnesses will vanish, official records will be tampered with or removed completely. The official response will be to sweep it under the carpet of public disbelief. Who are people most likely to believe: you, or a host of professionals with letters after their names and spin-doctored scripts?

Even though the chances of prosecution are quite remote, it is prudent to take steps to minimize your implication in any unsavory events. As decision-making can be clouded by heated emotions and general confusion in the aftermath of an alien incident, it is best to have a contingency plan in place. But what's even more important than having a plan is sticking to it when things go crazy.

Your first step must be to put as much distance between yourself and the scene as quickly as possible. Once in a secure location, check yourself for injuries that could be signs of alien implants. Above all else, continue with your daily routine. Although you may have just had the most amazing experience of your life, you must resist the temptation to tell everyone you meet about your alien exploits. Word travels fast when it comes to intergalactic hijinks. Loose lips sink ships. You have enough to worry about with the possibility of alien reprisals without having the Men in Black knocking on your door in the middle of the night. Unless you start making a big song and dance about your experience, the authorities will have little reason to do anything apart from monitor your movements over the next forty-eight hours, in case of any alien payback. So lie low, and maintain a watchful eye for anything out of the ordinary.

Those with SUVs or other four-wheel-drive automobiles have an opportunity to follow their prey off-road. Bull bars are recommended if you wish to avoid damage to the front end of your vehicle. When driving at night, watch out for the distinctive oval-shaped eyes in your high beams. They are highly reflective and are easily distinguished from other nocturnal animals not only by their shape, but also by their brilliant fluorescent green color.

Do not limit yourself to conventional vehicles; think outside the box. Snowplows, garbage trucks, or combines are all equally effective at flattening an alien. Remember, if you can drive it, you can run over an alien with it.

Aliens are not totally defenseless. They may not use the heat rays and death machines of science fiction, but they have, when push comes to shove, employed a number of effective defense strategies. This is not to suggest that they are not capable of using advanced weapons against us. Just because they haven't done so to date does not mean they never will. However, it is important to begin with the facts as they are currently known before dealing with any hypothetical situations. For it is by being aware of the full range of an alien's possible responses that we shall be prepared for any eventuality.

Swarming is a term used to describe being engulfed by a seething mass of alien adversaries. Apart from being a very unsettling experience, it has proved fatal in a number of encounters. In this alien form of “stacks on the mill,” you are overpowered by the sheer mass of bodies. Fending off two or three aliens is eminently feasible, but holding back a tide of thirty or forty is well nigh impossible. If you don't die of asphyxiation, you can literally be pulled limb from limb. Luckily, this form of counterattack is relatively rare, as most alien scouting parties consist of only three or four individuals, but it does happen. If unarmed, the best course of action is to run like hell.

THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

Like Plains Indians herding buffalo into a ravine, aliens can utilize local geographic features to their strategic advantage. In this variation of swarming, you can be swept along by a living alien tsunami toward a precipice, cliff face, or wall — or any sharpened projections, such as tree branches or rusted agricultural machinery — then cast un-ceremoniously to your doom.

This form of attack presents some serious problems for the unarmed combatant. Struggling against the forces of physics is futile. Dropping to the ground will only result in either you being stampeded to death or the aliens changing their tactic to a swarming maneuver.

Despite its reputation as an end-game tactic, the “conveyor belt of death,” as it has been called by some, is known to have been defeated on at least one occasion. In this instance, a Dutch tourist on the island of Viti Levu, Fiji, escaped a stampeding mob of aliens by clawing his way to the top of the alien throng and scrambling across their heads, like a rock star in a mosh pit, and then making a frantic dash through a banana plantation to safety.

As the title implies, this counterattack measure involves aliens swiftly running from cover, striking you, and dashing off again before you know what's hit you. The aim seems to be an attempt to disorient you and increase the chances of you falling and injuring yourself, providing them with an opportunity to pounce. This strategy is usually used when there are two to five aliens in an attack. One will keep you distracted while the others swoop in for the strike. Stay low, watch your back, and head for cover as quickly as you can.

When it comes to individual hand-to-hand combat, aliens are at a distinct disadvantage. Physically weaker than us, they must rely on damaging our most vulnerable soft-tissue areas to inflict any substantial injury. Our eyes are a prime target for attack. Gouging or tearing the eyes with fingers or other instruments can result in permanent eye injury and visual impairment. If you anticipate a clash with extraterrestrials, protective eyewear is highly recommended.

Another obvious target for alien attack is the genitalia. Aliens have a wealth of experience with human genitals and are fully aware of their vulnerability. An alien attack on your groin is not a pretty sight. It is considered by most as the coup de grâce of counterattacks and may involve hitting, punching, squeezing, kicking, grappling, stomping, biting, or using handheld weapons. These attacks can cause immense pain and instant debilitation, effectively putting you at their mercy. Your groin must be protected at all costs; the future of humanity may depend on it.

Females are not immune to gender-specific alien assaults. There have been a number of recorded incidents, most recently during the late 1990s, of aliens making strategic strikes on females' nipples. These mammary lunges all occurred in situations in which aliens have had their metaphorical backs to the wall. Although their intentions were at first misconstrued by some, a pattern soon emerged that warrants taking adequate precautions. Firm sports bras are recommended in combat situations, particularly in cold weather.