The Alien Library (11 page)

She did wake up when Daniel touched her shoulder, examining the wound. Her eyes opened as she felt the blanket eased away. Daniel saw and smiled at her. “It looks very good. Swelling is almost entirely gone.”

“Good.” Cameron sighed at the news. She pushed herself up slightly. Daniel took note of her needing help and assisted in seeing her propped up against the headboard. He continued to examine the injury, then asked how her left arm felt.

She closed her eyes and concentrated. Two of her fingers twitched, but it made her break out in a sweat.

He nodded. “I fear it will be slow. You’re healing the deeper tissues right now. The nerves will probably be last. Try not to push it, let it come naturally.”

“Naturally, uh huh.” She took a deep breath, looking around the room, then focusing on him. “You look better. You slept?”

“Several hours. Most unusual for me, but not so surprising. Tendar is still in the bath, but I expect he’ll be up soon and clean up the meal Pindari created for him,” Daniel answered. “You might consider sleeping further.”

“Not alone,” she replied.

He eyed her sharply. “You do not need a watcher. Nothing is going to happen with your heart.”

“Uh huh, that’s what I believed back on Earth. I was doing everything right, taking my cholesterol lowering medicine, exercising, lost weight and it still stopped. I accept that my implant had to go. But…” she looked away, “…I’m still scared.”

“I’ve been here for over a thousand years. Nothing is going to happen. You don’t need to be afraid, Cameron.” He tried to be patient, but she heard the criticism of her lack of faith and it made her bristle.

“A thousand years!? How long have I been here, Daniel? Less than one? Forgive me if I can’t just take your word for it!” She slid off the bed and stalked to the bathroom. At the doorframe she paused, her voice softened, “I need time, Daniel.”

He didn’t reply, just listened for the sound of her washing up. He found Sam sitting at Cam’s table, a large tray holding breakfast items. Sam frowned at the doctor. “Can you really expect her to just believe?”

“She needs to believe. You will see she sleeps further?”

“If she wants. The day looks to be brighter. I may entice her to the garden. But if she is up to it, I’d like a personal tour of the library,” Sam picked at the pastry, tearing off small pieces.

Daniel nodded. “I’m off to see if I can hurry Tendar out of the bath. Then urge him into bed. Cam is cleared to return to the library, she’ll have help. George and Emerson need a bit more time at recovery from Teemin’s plant poison and would welcome some quiet challenges.”

“I’ll let her know,” he said, addressing Daniel’s back.

The doctor stopped and turned. “I’m sorry to be so short in temper. She truly brings it out in me. And I’m not sure why. We have just two months to the conclave. She needs to be more confident. Talk to her, Sammy. Please. Pindari said you two seemed to reach sympathy quickly.”

“I’ve only been here eleven years, Daniel. We’re basically from the same era. And I understand her implant. You need to talk to me about it more. Not just as a piece of technology but how it preyed on her mind and emotional health,” Sam suggested.

“I’ll make the time.” Daniel left Cameron’s room.

Sam shook his head, and carefully approached the bedroom. He listened as the shower was shut off and called out. “Cameron? I’m in the front room, with breakfast.”

“Got it, thanks!” she loudly replied.

Five minutes later, she was sitting at the table, enjoying the repast Pindari had prepared. Sam casually mentioned Daniel’s concerns. Cameron snorted. “He expects me to just believe him.”

Sam peered at her. “What will it take for you to believe that your heart is stronger? More steady? More trustworthy?”

She thought about it a minute, then met his eyes. “Good question, but I don’t know. When I first got the implant, I was so relieved. It felt odd, it bothered me. I still got the jitters and worried. Time? It’s going to take time, Sam.”

“You meet with the conclave in two months. What if that is all the time you have?” he pushed.

She swallowed nervously. “Oh. Hell. I don’t know. How do you test for the absence of a problem?”

“Sometimes it is faith that carries one through.” Sam helped to gather up the food debris. “Let’s drop this off and you can show me the library. Daniel said you can get back to work. Did you ever meet the two damaged Thinkers?”

“No, but I do know Tendar and Daniel were working with them,” she replied.

“They want to work with you as they recover further.”

“Oh, that’s nice. How are they doing?” She smiled slightly.

“Better, obviously. Now, I’ve wandered around the library some on my own, where did you put the westerns?” He joked as they left her room and entered the greater hall to the library.

Relief filled Cameron as she entered the library. Sam admitted to not really caring about westerns, but told he missed genre television. She showed him a large section of books based on television series and he happily examined the covers. Several shows were completely new to him, but the book covers showed him actors he knew and she was pleased to talk with him about the premise of the shows.

They eventually left the library and ended up relaxing at the Earth Garden. Once there, she opened up to him regarding the mixed feelings she carried for Daniel. He listened and suggested it might have more to do with Tendar than with Daniel.

“When did you find yourself convinced he was the villain?” Sam asked her.

Thinking about it, she closed her eyes and considered when her feelings shifted. “Oh… Oh! After Tendar offered him the gift. I went berserk at him after. I guess jealousy got the better of me.” Cam let her head hang. “Oh. I’m not listening to him because I’m jealous?”

“I doubt it. There’s a great deal of chemistry involved with what Tendar did. There may be some biological trigger. As Tendar worked to clear the infection from you, there was no fighting from you. You didn’t try to push him away, you didn’t react with hostility when Daniel spoke to you. You appeared to listen and follow direction.” He looked away. “You often held Daniel’s hand, clenched it.”

“Then it isn’t just chemistry or I’d have pushed him away,” she softly replied. “It’s when I try to discuss anything with him that I lose my temper. He’s so dismissive!”

They sat quietly for some time. Cameron thinking, Sam considering what she’d told him. He suddenly looked up. “Cameron? I need to ask you.” He stopped. “I don’t want to intrude, but you spoke how you avoided intimacy at Selection House.”

“Yeah?” She turned to him. “Go ahead, ask.”

“You’ve slept with Tendar and with Sil.” He sighed. “Hell, you’ve been with Daniel? Who was the first?”

“Daniel,” she immediately replied.

“Was it loving? Making love?” Sam softly persevered.

“Uh…” She closed her eyes a moment. “It was loving, yes. Making love? I don’t know. I’m not sure I know what that really is.” She sighed. “Wow. That sounds so sad.”

“It does, but truth? That is hard to say. You’re a sweet woman, I find it difficult to believe…” He stopped. “No, I know it isn’t true. I saw Tendar, making love to you, Cameron. He very much loves you. I believe Daniel does also. You care for them?”

She stroked the hand, limp in the sling. “Oh. Yes, I care for them. I might love them. I was all but certain of it, until they turned me away.” A gasp signaled her falling into tears. Sam simply put an arm around her, holding her as she cried. The other humans in the garden, only a mere dozen, hurried over, wanting to help. It took some convincing for them to believe she was all right.

Sam took her back to her room afterward and insisted she sleep again. He promised to stay, and keep watch over her. As she lay down, her right arm cradling her left, he softly spoke, “Cameron. I wasn’t there. Push you away? Somehow, I don’t think that is possible. If they did, if it seems like they did, it was for a reason that had nothing to do with rejecting you. Some logical bit of nonsense they should have shared with you. I know what I saw! You are obviously hurting about what happened.”

She met his eyes and sighed. “I feel so petty.”

“Petty? Why? Nothing wrong with feeling what you feel. You just have to decide if you want it to be the deciding factor in the relationship. Your husband hurt you. Saved your life, then left you…” he stopped as she looked away.

“I left him first,” she nearly whispered. “I was there, but I wasn’t.”

“All right. You both made mistakes. I know Medthin has counselors. I wish you’d used them.” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter anymore, does it? Really? This is a chance to begin again. Leave it all behind. Ix is opportunity.”

She blinked, thought a moment. “I don’t know. I’m Cameron because of my past.”

“But your future? Isn’t that all about now? Not then?” Sam persisted. He smiled ruefully. “Just think about it. I’ll stay close, I promise. I asked Sil to let me know how Tendar is doing. If you hear talk, it’s just that. Sleep. Okay?”

“Okay,” she murmured. Closing her eyes, sleep swept her away before she had a chance to consider Sam’s words. Her body was in charge, far more than she understood.

For the next three days, Cameron eased back into a routine she knew well. She returned to the library to find new crates of books. She went through them, stacked duplicates in a separate room, available for those interested to take away. She noticed how the topics important to the power plant and coastal fishing fleet were often doubled. It made her wonder about the Gatherers.

She sat at the top of the stairs on the third evening and asked Sam what he knew about them.

The engineer shrugged. “Not a whole lot. But before we explore that, have you seen Daniel again?”

“Sure, every morning he checks on my shoulder and asks how my arm is recovering.” She looked away. “He doesn’t say much.”

Sam shook his head. “They really don’t know how to handle you.”

“Handled? What makes me different, that I need to be handled and not just treated like everyone else?” She snorted.

“They collect every five years. I’ve been here eleven years and I’ve met women from way back. I’ve noticed how different the women are. I suppose because back on Earth, women’s roles were changing so drastically the last few decades. From one five year period to another, the female Thinkers with degrees doubled. Yet, I think they suffer more from loneliness then the men. Men just settle down and get working. Give them a job to do and they don’t offer much resistance. Especially the engineers. And there are a lot of engineers.” Sam smiled ruefully.

Cameron thought a moment. “I guess I can understand that. Keep the power running, and the fishing fleets going. I’ve noticed more books on those subjects arriving. Few on agriculture. Though a fair amount recently on green living.”

“Agriculture doesn’t really change much, but they do need to house everyone, keep the power going.” He shrugged. “It’s amazing, really. Like Ix is one big sociological experiment.”

It had been a thought she’d toyed with herself. “Why not? Some game they're playing. Some advanced version of those computer games people play, empire building or some such thing. Makes as much sense as anything I can figure out.” Cameron shivered and looked around the library. “They always seem to know what is needed. Pindari and spices, specialties for the estates. You, for me? It’s…no, I don’t like to think about it. Just makes me angry.”

“Angry? You seem content. Well, other than the relationship complication.” He smiled crookedly and gazed out into the shelves.

“Yeah, I am content, here with the books.” She wrapped her free arm about her legs. “But I didn’t choose to come here.”

“Neither did I, but I’m not unhappy with how it turned out. My life wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t have anyone special. Just sort of moving through the days, one after the other,” he told her. Slowly, he peeled her right arm off the leg and held her hand. “It was frightening, but it turned out fine. This is interesting! If we
are
part of an experiment, I hope I’m around to see how it all turns out.”

Cameron squeezed his hand. “Sure. When they wash the Petri dish and we all slide down the drain? And the world ends.” She spoke the last words in a deep announcer voice.

Sam laughed. “Hell, we wouldn’t know!” Eyeing her sharply, he snorted again. “You changed the subject. I wanted to know about things between you and Daniel. Come on, girlfriend, talk.”

“Girlfriend? Where did you learn that bit of slang? Eleven years? That wasn’t making the rounds eleven years ago.” She freed her hand and rubbed at her shoulder.

He’d noticed the habit when she was nervous and sought to reassure her. “I heard it from Susanna, at the coast estate. Aren’t we girlfriends?” He nudged at her.

“Oh, I guess so. Never really had a girlfriend.” She looked at him. “Or boyfriend for that matter. Didn’t have many friends, period. Okay, about Daniel. There isn’t anything to say, Sam. He checks my shoulder, asks how I’m doing. Tells me almost nothing about Tendar and then leaves. Oh, he glares at whoever kept watch over me. He just doesn’t get it.”

“No, he doesn’t. In his own way, he’s an engineer. An engineer of human physiology. And he doesn’t understand irrational fear.” The moment those words left his mouth he regretted them. “Oh.”

“Yeah! Sure! Irrational fear! I’m irrational! Fine! Thanks, needed to hear that!” She thrust to her feet and stormed down the stairs.

He watched, knowing she was too angry to hear anything else at that moment. He saw her throw the door open and nearly bump into Daniel. She just snarled, and all but ran past him. Daniel stood a moment, watching her stalk away, before moving into the library. He saw Sam and chuckled. “Oh, you said something wrong.”

“Yeah, I did,” Sam admitted. “She’s sensitive to words. I have to remember that. How is Tendar doing?”

“Better.” Daniel gazed at the books. “I forgot what I wanted…oh, yes. Do you know if she’s received the maps of Ix yet?”

“No idea,” Sam answered. “Why?”

“I’ve been discussing the route to the coast with Tendar, considering how to make it a chance for Cam to see more of Ix.” Daniel looked away. “What did you say to upset her?”

“Not going to share that.” Sam raised an eyebrow. “You know, you and Tendar are making this harder than it needs to be. Daniel, haven’t you ever doubted? Been scared?”

“Of course.” The doctor climbed the stairs and sat near Sam. “When Pandra-i disappeared and I couldn’t find her, I felt frantic.”

“All right. Daniel, listen, when she disappeared, you kept looking. Everyone told you she was dead. For three hundred years, you kept looking. Was that a rational thing?” Sam pushed.

“No, it was my wanting. And it was chemistry,” Daniel answered honestly. “I doubted, all the time. But I couldn’t stop.”

“You had faith, you still have faith. But you were still tired, and still scared, still lonely,” Sam whispered.

Daniel closed his eyes. “Yes. Until now.”

“She’s scared. She had faith in that device. Hard won faith. Now it’s gone. She’s scared. And she’s lonely.” The engineer put an arm around Daniel. “I know there isn’t time. She knows there isn’t time. But fear? Fear doesn’t care about time.”

They sat in companionable silence for several minutes. The lights dimmed in the sections where no one worked. The faint light from the single window illuminated the alcove above them. Daniel wiped an errant tear from his cheek. “I hear you, Sam,” he hoarsely said. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Comfort her. And stop ridiculing her fear, Dani. There must be books in here regarding the psychology of fear and illness. Find a way through to her. I know what I saw with Tendar. You three share more than love. Don’t fuck it up!” Sam’s sudden anger surprised both of them. He jerked to his feet and the lights flared to life. With a growl, he followed Cam’s earlier trail and left the library.

Daniel sighed, spoke to himself. “Yes, she frustrates all of us.” He gradually got to his feet and followed Sam’s suggestion, finding the section on psychology and sitting down with a stack of the books next to him. He would try harder to understand.

*****

Several days later, Sam once more wandered the library with Cameron. He wanted to be in the garden, but she resisted going with him.

“Cam, it’s a beautiful day and I’ve convinced them to bring out the volleyball. I found a net and it will be fun!” He grinned at her.

She paused, considered the picture and then snickered. “Oh, naked volleyball. I bet that is what you’re looking forward to.”

“Maybe!” He leered. “You don’t have to play.”

She looked down at her arm, still in a sling, but one that gave minimum support. “Good thing.” She wiggled the fingers slightly. “Better, but not up to playing volleyball. Why don’t you go, Sam? I need to finish the section on veterinary practices. Uh, why would they have books on vet care?”

“There are some domestic animals in other provinces. Not like our cats and dogs, but some birdlife and other ranch-type animals. There’s one that serves as their cow. You eat a lot of them. The goeets. I assume they were named by the earlier people.” He took a deep breath, then grinned suddenly. “And the backalongs.”

“If people don’t die from natural causes, where are the earlier people?” she asked, suddenly wondering.

“Some faded, I understand. Some died in wars. Actually, a lot died in wars, some went off exploring and haven’t been seen again.” Sam paused before explaining. “There aren’t any books on Ixian history, so I asked. Daniel seems to be the oldest still actively serving. He was here when the Kharmon were the simple ones.”

“Ah.” She looked up at the single window. “Really, go. I’ll join in before it gets dark. I would like to float around in the lake. The incision is nearly gone, though there never was worry of new infection, right?”

“Right. Okay. I’ll go but will come back and kidnap you if you take too long!” He smiled and hurried from the greater room.

She sighed. His presence was a comfort, but it could also prove a big distraction. She thought a great deal about the issues he’d raised about Daniel and Tendar. She’d written in her journal about her failed marriage, looking for answers in the only other romantic relationship she’d ever had. It wasn’t much help. She’d seen Daniel every morning, and he hadn’t radiated disdain for her need of a night watcher, in fact, he hadn't said much at all.

Cam put her mind back to the books and asked George to help her unload the box she’d found of veterinary medicine, which Sil had carried to the shelving area earlier. The books were varied, from text to the stories of James Herriot in England. She found a stack of books on border collies and sat gazing at them, wondering of what use they’d be.

George looked over her shoulder. “Tobie. Mine named Tobie.”

She smiled at him. “You had a border collie? I’ve heard they can be a bit of a challenge, so driven to work.”

He nodded. “Got to keep ‘em busy. Tobie was good. A little…” he struggled for the word, then put a hand toward his head and spun his finger in a circle.

Cam watched, “Dizzy? Or crazy?”

“Both!” He chuckled. “No sheep!”

“Yeah, that’s what I hear. They need a job like a drunk needs booze.” She stroked the bright eyed dog on the cover. “I never had a dog. But I liked to watch them at the beach.”

“Maybe, someday, dogs be here,” he ventured the comment, then continued emptying the box.

They continued working quietly. Cam thought about what it meant to have a job. To keep busy, to do what you’re destined to do. Sam was happy that he’d finally found a direct need for his specialty. Until she’d come here, knowing about books meant a way to make money. Not a real calling. Not something valued other than a merchandizing specialty. Here, they needed her to make sense of the books so others could profit from them. It was interesting.

She’d been aware of the growing technological advances regarding the publishing industry. And had been uncertain of her place in it. At least here, she was needed.

As she packed away an empty box, she looked at George. “I hear there is a volleyball game going on in the garden. Shall we go?”

“Think I’ll nap.” He yawned. The two poison victims were recovering, but needed a lot of sleep.

“I’m taking a break in the garden. Sleeping sounds good, too. If you wake up and want to do something, there is always dusting. Books make dust.”

“Have fun.” He smiled and she left.

Out in the garden, the game was in full swing. She found Sam laughing so hard he had tears on his cheeks. She squatted down next to him. “What is so funny?”

“They are so helpless! No sense of competition, and they keep losing the ball as they stop to help each other off the lawn, or get untangled from the net.” He wiped at his face. “Much funnier to watch then the hard stuff.”

She tilted her head at him. “No competition, that’s true. If they try to race, do they link arms?” The idea charmed her.

“Probably,” he answered. “You going to swim?”

“Maybe.” She looked around. Sam had chosen to observe from a slope far enough away that he was in no danger of an errant ball. It also cut down on the noise. She tilted her head and scratched hear head. “Daniel is the doctor here, right? That’s his job.”

He gazed quizzically at her. “Yes.”

“So, I guess it’s natural that he gets upset at my doubting his cure,” she commented. “Most doctors back on Earth are terribly arrogant when it comes to questioning their competence.”

“You’re not questioning his competence, are you?” Sam wondered.

“I’m trying to figure it out,” she replied. “George and I found a selection of books on border collies. He had one. Said they go a bit nuts if they can’t do their job, if they don’t have a job. How does Daniel manage when Ix doesn’t let anyone get sick?”

“People still break bones, scrape knees, have accidents…” He paused. “Oh, not much challenge, eh?”

“Exactly. He had a job that lasted three hundred years looking for Pandra-i. Now he has a home, but not enough to do?” she wondered aloud. “I was his one medical job, and I don’t know. I question his faith in the medicine?”

“Cameron, I agree, he might be at a bit of loose ends. The stress between you isn’t just that. You aren’t scared he didn’t do a good job? Are you?”

“No, I guess not. I know my arm is improving, the incision is fine.” She touched her shoulder, where the ICD used to rest, like some odd embossment on her skin. A shiver ran down her frame. “How can I miss it? I hated it! Hated needing it, hated not knowing…” She shook her head. “Loved it, hated it, grateful, resentful, I felt it all.”