The Alien Library (12 page)

“And more, I’m sure. You were young compared to most that need them.” He raised a hand and lightly touched the site. “Yours was very prominent. You have a small frame. Did your husband resent it?”

“I don’t think so. He seemed just thankful.” She shrugged.

“He ever touch it?” Sam lowered his hand to stroke her left hand.

“Uh uh," she stated, certain. “Oh, he didn’t like how it looked, or felt.”

Sam noted her fingers were twitching. “Not too unusual. Not very nice, but not unusual. Your hand is better. Can you move your arm yet?”

“Very slowly and with a lot of concentration.” She blinked. “I can feel your fingers.”

“Good.” Sam watched the game for a moment as the players stopped to comfort one who had fallen. “Let’s walk to the lake and swim, or float.”

“Okay.” She let him help her up. Five minutes later, he was helping her strip off the tunic. They waded out into the warm water. The sun was almost more than she could bear, so she kept immersed. Sam floated on his back next to her.

“Sam?” She had a sudden thought.

“Hmm?” He idly stroked his belly, his cock bobbing above the water, slightly erect.

“Why haven’t you made a pass at me?” She swallowed her embarrassment and asked the personal question. Then tried to back track. “Oh, you don’t have to answer. I’m sorry. It’s not my business.”

“Because I’m gay,” he simply stated. “Not that you aren’t sweet and I could romp with you, I’m pretty sure. I just don’t normally think of women that way.”

“Oh. I feel stupid for asking.” She looked away.

He righted himself and slid around to her back, wrapped arms around her. “Don’t feel stupid. One of the wonderful things about our caretakers is they don’t care. Sex isn’t gender specific.” He rubbed his erection at her ass. “The longer I’m here, the less I care.”

She pressed against him, suddenly aware that she missed simple human contact. “Daniel hasn’t touched me in nearly two weeks. And I don’t know where Tendar is.”

“Sil stays with you. And Darjing,” Sam whispered in her ear. “Any of the men here would enjoy being with you.”

“I feel like sleeping with any of them would be like molesting a child,” she admitted.

“Ah. Does it bother you that the Kharmon do it with them?” he asked

“No. I don’t know, because they just enjoy it.” She felt Sam maneuvering them toward shallower water. Her feet touched bottom. One of his arms kept her pressed to his chest, the other slid down to slide fingers through her pubic hair.

“Oh!” She drew a quick breath at the welcome sensation.

“Women are so different,” Sam softly breathed. “Just enjoy, Cameron.” He parted her legs and she let them float wide. Sam was a rougher lover than she’d ever known. He grunted as he slid into her, thrusting blindly. It was the first sex since the ICD removal.

“I’m not too loose?” she whimpered.

“No, why?” He grunted again. “Shit.”

“I’m still really weepy.” She turned her face. “What is it?”

“Oh, god!” He came inside her with a hot rush, lowered his head and bit her right shoulder. “Oh, shit you feel like a Kharmon, so damned good!”

“I…what?” She suddenly stiffened as a rush swept through her different than she’d experienced before. Sam gripped her bush with near violence and she felt every seam, every fold, every vein on his cock. The walls of her cunt contracted around him with a flutter and he came again. Her nipples swelled with her climax and without thinking, her left arm jerked out of the sling into the air.

“Oh!” Her eyes widened and she gazed at her up thrust arm, then went limp.

Sam held her as they floated, nearly unconscious. He slipped from her, the water touched him and it was the second most marvelous thing he’d ever felt. He could feel her breathing, tiny shudders running through her. Her left arm had fallen back into the water. Daniel had told him it would be different, but he’d had no idea.

Sil and Darjing eased them out of the lake. Daniel told Sil to see her to her bed. “She’ll sleep for several days,” he told Sam.

“And the arm? She won’t need the sling?” Sam leaned on Darjing, blinking.

“No. The accelerated healing will stick. Thank you, Sam.” Daniel touched the damp hair. “She needed a friend to do that.”

“You aren’t her friend? I mean, that was marvelous, but why didn’t you push through this battle with her and take care of her? Why did you need me?” Sam shuddered again, his cock bobbing slightly. “Damn, the air feels…!”

“I’m scent bound to Tendar and can’t risk involving him in her healing right now. He needs all his attention on recovering,” Daniel answered. “He’s leaving for the coast tomorrow. It will help him.” He glanced at Sam’s cock. “It was pleasant?”

“Don’t tease! More than pleasant.” Sam groaned. “Darjing, want to go to bed?”

“I’m not tired. Oh, certainly!” Darjing nodded at Daniel and began to walk away with Sam leaning on him.

Sam paused. “Better tell her the truth. Soon!”

“She’ll just be angry,” Daniel answered.

“Angry for the right reason, not because you lied. Or hid!” the engineer called back.

Daniel turned to look at the lake, knowing Sam had a point but uncertain how to tell her. Tendar had to leave, because he couldn’t find the distance he needed, from her. They were traveling unknown territory and it worried Daniel immensely. Nearly two thousand years of living with the Kharmon, siding with them in the human war, acting as an emissary between the worlds and still so much he didn’t know. The power of scent to heal, act as a bridge between the species and now Tendar’s new ability to hold and cure another. Was it the Kharmon endorphins, or more? Or sex? The three of them were near something he didn’t understand. Trust came hard when he didn’t understand.

If he couldn’t explain it to himself, what to tell Cameron was even harder.

Cameron woke up four days later. She didn’t know that at the time, and just lay still, relishing how good she felt. She stretched and stared, her left arm was above her head, and the sense of it as separate from her body had disappeared. She raised it and just blinked. “Oh.”

“All back to normal?” Daniel questioned her from the side of the bed.

She turned to stare at him. “Uh. Yeah, feels just like before. How did I get here? Wasn’t I at the lake? Did I faint?”

“Not really a faint. A sort of stasis as you healed,” he answered. “Sil brought you back to your room. Cam?”

She slowly sat up. “Daniel?”

“I need to tell you about Tendar and about the lake.” He paused, looking awkward, as if he didn’t know what words to use.

“The lake? What do you need to tell me about the lake? I was there, with Sam. We…uh, he…no, we had sex. It was really good.” She blinked, then yawned. “He told you, right? Is he all right? It felt different.”

“Lingering effects from Tendar’s healing. Cameron, I asked Sam to help you. I knew sex would push the nerves of your arm to heal. I couldn’t touch you.”

“Because you’re angry with me, I know,” she replied.

“No, that has nothing to do with it. I’m not angry with you. I’m impatient, but I’m not angry. It had to be Sam because I’m too close to Tendar, who is still recovering from seeing you through that nightmare.” Daniel paused. “You understand?”

Cameron took a deep breath, thought a moment, then shook her head. “No, but it isn’t something I’m going to understand. One of those Ix things that is just beyond me right now. Sam was nice, I’m not complaining. Tendar is still exhausted?”

“Tendar is more than exhausted. Cameron, he’s gone to the coast, to stay with Thandin to recover and prepare for the conclave. He needed distance, Cameron, we are bonded, by chemistry and affection. Him to me by the gift of scent, you to him by the sweet kiss and the gift from Pindari, along with our times together. He needed distance from your pain and…”

“Doubt.” She hung her head.

“No, and stop interrupting me. Not your doubt. Tendar is one of the Kharmon who come to caretaking with great sensitivity. It’s the only way he could keep you alive. And it was close.” Daniel watched her struggle with the truth.

She closed her eyes and hugged her knees to her chest. She took several deep breaths. “Okay. I’m not going to feel guilty about this. I wish it were different. He will get better? At the coast?”

“He should. You understand that he is sensitized to you? To me? We three are connected in a fashion not seen here in centuries. I only know about it from Pandra-i discussing it with me. She’d read it in old scrolls.” He sighed. “When we achieve harmony it will…no, it does something to us. And did so during your healing. Hence the difference with Sam. It will fade with time.”

“Was it different for Sam?” she asked, not wanting to consider how good those days with the three of them had been. She wasn’t sure it was ever going to be that way again. It hurt to think about it. She’d rather talk to Sam. “Where is he? You stayed with me? I thought you didn’t think I needed watching.”

“I don’t, but that isn’t why Sam is gone. I’m sorry, a message came from Parlani, some problem developing with a generator. Not his specialty, but he’s closest. He’ll come back when he can. He said making love to you was sublime. The best woman he’d ever had.” Daniel smiled.

She snorted. “He said he was gay, not much to compare with I imagine.”

“He’s not a neophyte with women. He just prefers men. He was insatiable for nearly twenty-four hours. Wore Darjing out,” Daniel answered, shaking his head. “I want to examine your arm.”

“Sure.” She let the covers drop and held out her arm. Daniel touched her hand, asking questions as he poked and probed.

“Very good. It is likely less strong than the other but will get better. Now, I imagine you would like to eat and I know Pindari would be pleased to feed you.  Do you need assistance? To dress or shower?”

“I don’t know.” She eased her way off the bed and into the bathroom. After a moment, she let him know he could leave. She’d see him later.

Daniel sighed and left the room. He didn’t think she really understood, but at least he’d opened a door.

*****

Cameron went to the kitchen, where Pindari embraced her. “I have grown so accustomed to your help. It’s been lonely! Your arm is better?”

“Yes, it feels a little flabby and slightly tingly, but Daniel said it would get stronger.” She pulled out a stool and perched. “So, miss my nagging?”

“I did look in on you as you slept.” Pindari ignored the question. “And Sam asked me to tell you goodbye, for now. He was pleased to be of service, in all ways.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Cameron examined the fruit on the table. “May I have one?”

“Of course,” Pindari answered, watching Cameron sit and begin to peel the waterball. “You seem unsettled. Sam?”

“Sam didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not that. Why didn’t Daniel just tell me I would benefit from, uh, sex? Why tell Sam? Ask Sam? And not tell me? I just don’t get it.” She shook her head. “I think I can trust him to be honest with me, and then, something like this.”

“Well, this time I really do agree with you.” Pindari brought her bowl over to the table and began to stir the ingredients. “I honestly don’t think he knows how to interact with you. Been too long since he’s been around a thinking woman, perhaps. And he has been distracted with Tendar.” She looked concerned for a moment, then shook it off. “I’m going to make you a sandwich.”

“I’ll eat it,” Cameron said. “I am glad to have my arm back to working. And Sam was great. Was it so bad with Tendar? Why didn’t anyone tell me about it?”

“You knew he was recovering. Resting.” Pindari paused. “None of us realized how slowly it progressed except Daniel. Thandin will take good care of him, and help prepare the defense.”

“When is the conclave? Exactly.”

“Seven weeks. It’s a ten day trip and we’ll want to be there before Teemin.”

“Will Sam come with Parlani? Or come back here before we leave? Will he come with us?” Cameron sounded over eager, she knew. “I just, he’s so easy to talk to.”

“He is. I doubt he will come to the coast, Cameron. It would be dangerous for him. He is unaligned and we don’t want to make him the focus of Teemin or his uncles,” Pindari answered.

“God, no.” Cameron sighed. “Okay. Tendar is gone. Can I write him? Did he leave any message?”

“He will see us in Opal Bay.” Pindari smiled, not noticing that Cameron looked away.

No personal message.
Cameron sighed. She straightened in her chair and took a deep breath. She could get back to the library now and not think about the conclave.

*****

She missed Sam more than she realized. As the days passed, she worked herself to exhaustion in the library. George and Emerson were available for a limited number of hours, under orders from Daniel to get outside more often. Cam didn’t mind; she was capable of handling the books by herself now and wanted to work alone. She felt driven to finish, as it kept her from thinking about how much she didn’t know, about Tendar, or Daniel, or what it all meant. She continued to journal, seeking answers within herself. Did she love both Daniel and Tendar? At the end of two weeks, writing between obsessive shelving, she still didn’t know.

Sleep eluded her and she seldom managed longer than two hours at a time. She tried doing without Sil or Darjing keeping watch, but found that simply left her unable to fall asleep in the first place. The need for a watcher was new, along with the sense of being alone after months of company. It confused her, all of it.

She felt the answer was in her continued journaling. She took a shelving break in the library one day, sitting on the window shelf and writing. The lack of sleep took a toll, but she just let her pen carry her forward. She wrote about her initial heart incident, in detail. It poured out of her, the fear and uncertainty, all the things she didn’t say to her husband, didn’t say to anyone.

The pages blurred and she finally set the book down on the ledge, pushing off to see herself fed. There was a lunch from Pindari on the first floor and she stumbled to it. She ate some, then decided to take a load of books to the upper floors. Using a basket, she stacked a dozen hardbacks and began to climb the stairs. Partway up, she paused, aware of how tired she felt but continued on to the top floor.

A few steps shy of the upper level, she put a hand at her heart. “Geez, I’m out of shape, that’s beating really fast…” A sudden shiver hit her and the fear fell on her like a wave. Her breath became hard to take. The basket dropped and the books tumbled down the steps. She held tightly to the banister and began to lurch down the steps, one at a time. “Help! I need help!” Her skin felt slick with sweat, then she shivered. Her heart raced as she reached the midpoint.

“Air, I need air.” She all but fell at the window, knocking her journal out to tumble to the courtyard below. She gasped, trying to breathe, feeling the room spin around her until she gave up, gasping, crying, full of fear.

Sil found the journal in the courtyard, fallen open and broken. Picking it up, he recognized Cameron’s writing. He looked up at the library window and wondered. The Kharmon hearing was tightly tuned. He peered at the window and suddenly heard her gasping. With a speed to rival the cheetah on Earth, he sped to the library, calling out for help as he went.

He found Cameron, clutching her chest and still trying to breath, near the window. Others were running into the library behind him. He picked her up. “Daniel! Get Daniel!” He dashed past them, heading for the doctor’s quarters. The group following scattered, looking for Daniel.

*****

The man in question lay curled up on Tendar’s great bed, trying to still his own restlessness. He spent hours each day here, fighting the drive to find Tendar. He slowly realized it was more than the chemistry. He’d lost Pandra-i and never truly recovered. He’d been reading the books on human psychology, recommended by Sam, hoping to find understanding with regards to Cameron’s fear and had become sidetracked on abandonment issues.

A particular profile had caught his interest, reminding him too strongly of his emotions. He went searching for more answers. The new books were easier to understand though sometimes contradicted themselves. They were less formal in language and very approachable. Daniel had to consider how he kept himself safe through distance, not just the distance of staying on the road, but also with personal contact.

He wasn’t sure whether he’d accepted Tendar’s offer to share scent through desire for the physical rewards he knew it encompassed or for the emotional bond. He knew that Tendar didn’t differentiate, but Cameron did .With Tendar, Daniel could maintain his distance, his wall, as one of the books had addressed it, stayed intact. Cameron wouldn’t tolerate it, wouldn’t allow it, would recognize it immediately. Because she had one, too.

He shifted and lay staring at the ceiling. Pindari had chastised him for not being upfront with Cameron regarding Sam’s seduction. “Why didn’t I tell her?” he mused aloud.

He’d told Pindari it was because of Cameron’s reticence to be intimate with others. She’d snorted, citing that wasn’t an issue anymore. “She’s selective, not scared. If you’d told her, she’d have understood accepted. She wanted that arm back working. You have to be honest with her, Dani!” Pindari had been blunt.

He’d reacted poorly to the chiding, though later he acknowledged she’d been right.  “I didn’t want to see her with Sam?” he wondered. “Jealous? No. She needed and I couldn’t do it.” He closed his eyes, remembering the look of bliss on her face when they’d brought her from the lake. He did want that for himself, but he also wanted it for her. “What if she’d said, yes? Been enthusiastic? Was that why?”

He rolled again, buried his face in the pillow Tendar had last used. He inhaled deeply, needing the sureness the lingering scent would provide. He didn’t realize anyone was shouting for him until he heard the pounding on the door.

“Daniel! Cameron needs you! Sil found her!” Honi paused at Daniel’s look of panic. “She’s shaking, gasping!”

“Did she fall?” Daniel leapt from the bed, barraging Honi with questions as they both rushed from the chamber. The seamstress didn’t know what was wrong, could only repeat what she’d seen.

Daniel raced into his examination room to see Sil cradling Cameron on his lap, one hand at her back as she struggled to breathe. The Kharmon looked up at him. “It’s like the Harvest fright some of the Thinkers get. She should be beyond that!”

The doctor moved to her, lifted her limp arm to check her pulse. Her eyes blinked at him, pure panic danced across her pupils. “My…my heart!”

“No, it isn’t that. It just feels like it,” he reassured her. “It’s all right, we’ll take care of you. Cameron, just try to relax.”

Everything he saw agreed with Sil’s assessment. From reading the books he knew modern medicine referred to the sudden fear as a panic attack. They sometimes dealt with them at Harvest. Daniel hoped the supply of nettle pods proved adequate. She clenched one hand at her heart, the other twitched at her side. He held it, stroking it to ease the twitch. “I know what to do here. Think of something calm, the lake, the water on the lake, the sun on the water at the lake. Sil, remind her.”