Authors: Amy Gutman
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Once at the movies, when she was cold, Rick had draped it across 33
her shoulders. At that moment, she’d felt closer to him than 34
she’d ever felt before.
35 S
He was back, he was really back.
36 R
It hadn’t seemed real until now.
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She hurled herself into Rick’s arms. His mouth smashed down 1
on hers.
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They stood there silent, kissing, for what seemed like a very 3
long time. She looped a hand behind his neck. He stroked the 4
back of her head. Rick’s skin was cold, or maybe hers was hot.
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“How’s your father?” she whispered.
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“Better. A lot better.”
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As Callie locked the front door, Rick wrapped her in his arms.
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Gently, he turned her toward him, until her eyes met his. Some-9
thing happened then, some bright internal spark. The blood turned 10
silvery in her veins, as their bodies flew together. Their mouths 11
were welded tight as he pressed her against the wall. She hooked 12
a leg around one of his, pulling him closer still. She felt the but-13
terfly bones of her pelvis, sharp against his thigh. She’d never felt 14
this way, so weak with love and longing. Grabbing his hand, she 15
quickly led him up the carpeted stairs.
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Anna’s door was closed. She’d be asleep by now. They slipped 17
into Callie’s room, locked the door, then collapsed on the bed.
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They lay on top of the bedspread and his mouth was everywhere.
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As she sank into sensation, images flashed through her brain.
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Rick’s leather jacket. Steven’s eyes.
Happy Anniversary . . .
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Rick roughly pulled up her shirt, pushed aside her bra. As his 22
tongue circled a nipple, Callie closed her eyes. Their bodies 23
moved together, the rhythm already begun. The emptiness was 24
coming faster now and she gave herself up to it. She twisted a 25
hand in his hair, hard. His lips touched her other breast. She took 26
hold of one of his hands and rubbed it between her legs. Pushed 27
herself against his palm, wanting wanting wanting.
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It was going on too long. She wanted him inside her.
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“Now,” she whispered. “Now.”
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She heard the rip of a condom packet.
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Then, after seconds or forever, finally he was back. As she 32
raised her hips, he began to move, slowly and then faster. Callie’s 33
hand touched his lower back, the concave dampness of it. As 34
they thrust against each other, her blood seemed to dance. There S 35
was nothing beyond this pleasure, nothing beyond this place.
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They rolled over, still in one piece, until Rick lay beneath her.
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Callie sat astride him, her arms braced against his shoulders. For 3
a moment, they stayed there still, eyes locked together. Then 4
everything was moving, a rapid-fire surge of feeling. Callie threw 5
her head back, as she rode him into the night, harder and faster 6
and harder and faster, until the flame ignited.
7
Yes, yes, yes.
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She heard him cry out below.
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Afterwards they lay there, quiet, the stillness of the house 10
around them. Rick’s eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell. Cal-11
lie kissed his shoulder. Spooning her body into his, she wondered 12
if he were sleeping.
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Safe, that’s how she felt.
Safe.
Still a novelty.
14
During the early months with Rick, she’d bounced back and 15
forth between fear that he’d stay and fear that he’d leave. She was 16
determined not to lose the independent life she’d struggled so 17
hard to build. At the same time, as their bond grew stronger, an 18
older fear crept in. The fear that one day he’d find her wanting, 19
that one day he’d be gone.
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She was like a child, a two-year-old, who wanted contradictory 21
things. Once when Anna was about that age she’d thrown a 22
tantrum halfway up the stairs. As Callie knelt beside her, she’d 23
choked out an explanation. She wanted to be both upstairs with 24
her toys and downstairs with her mother.
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With Kevin she’d managed to avoid this conflict by just not 26
caring that much. They’d met one Sunday at her parents’ church, 27
at the weekly social hour. She’d watched his round face brighten 28
as they sipped tea from china cups. He gave an impression of 29
earnestness, pleasant but not exciting. He’d talked a lot about his 30
sister’s kids. She could tell that he loved children. The blandness 31
of her response to him had struck her as reassuring.
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They’d married in a small church ceremony, attended by just 33
their families. Callie had carried a mixed bouquet. No roses, 34
though. No roses. They’d bought a small house with a bright 35 S
green lawn in an Indianapolis suburb. For years, she’d simply 36 R
drifted, numb and rudderless. She watched TV, talked on the 6 4
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phone, took care of her infant daughter. In the two-plus years 1
they’d lived in that house, she hadn’t made one friend. It was al-2
most as if she’d known that she’d be leaving and didn’t want to 3
waste time. And yet, thinking back, she hadn’t been unhappy.
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Happiness, as she now knew, was entirely relative.
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It was after Anna’s second birthday that the doubts really set 6
in. She looked at herself through the eyes of her child and didn’t 7
like what she saw. She relied on Kevin for everything, had no 8
goals of her own. What kind of a role model would she be as 9
Anna began to grow up? Kevin watched her warily, urged Prozac 10
and counseling. But the clearer she got, the more she saw that the 11
marriage had been a mistake.
12
Rick murmured something she couldn’t hear, pulling her back 13
to the present. Her body was smooth and amphibious against the 14
rise and fall of his chest. Even more than when they were making 15
love, he felt like a part of her. Her leg began to cramp, but she 16
didn’t want to move it, didn’t want to do anything that would 17
break this fragile peace. Gently, she folded her hand into his. Her 18
eyes dropped to her arm. To the thin white rows of scars that 19
bound her to the past.
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When she looked up, she saw that Rick was awake. His eyes 21
gleamed in the dark. He didn’t say anything, just studied her in-22
tently. She had an urge to turn away but made herself keep look-23
ing. One more small victory in the battle to connect.
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“I think we should get married.” He spoke the words so softly 25
that she wasn’t sure she’d heard right.
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“Callie, will you marry me?”
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She lay there still, barely breathing, then rolled her head away.
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She felt something but she didn’t know what, couldn’t name the 29
feeling.
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“Callie? Cal?” Rick rubbed her shoulder. “Sweetheart, what’s 31
wrong?”
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“I . . .” Her face pressed into the sheet. Her cheeks were hot 33
and dry.
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“What is it?” Rick said again. His breath smelled of mint.
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Still, she didn’t answer. What was there to say?
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Finally, she rolled her head toward him. “It’s Anna,” she said.
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“We can work it out.”
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“I . . .” She had a sensation of unraveling, her life coming un-4
done.
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“I love you, Callie,” Rick said.
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Tears filled her eyes. She’d turned her head toward the ceiling 7
again so he couldn’t see her face. If only everything were as sim-8
ple as he seemed to think it was.
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“How do you know?” she asked him.
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“Know? Know what?” Rick had propped himself up on an el-11
bow to get a view of her face. She turned her head farther, let hair 12
fall over her eyes.
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“How do you know . . . that you . . . love me?” The words came 14
out haltingly. “Because, the thing is, once someone told me that, 15
and I . . . I believed him. I believed everything he told me, but all 16
of it was lies. And so . . . if I believe you now, what would it really 17
mean? Because I’ve been so wrong before, and I’m still the same 18
person I was. Different in some ways but still the same. Maybe I 19
don’t understand what love is. Between a man and a woman.
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When I think about it, my mind goes blank. I can’t seem to —”
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“I’m not your ex-husband, Callie.”
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Startled, she turned her head toward him, the tears having 23
stopped.
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“I’m not Kevin. I’m not going to leave you. You know me bet-25
ter than that.”
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“Oh . . .”
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He must have sensed her unease. “You’re talking about Kevin, 28
right?”
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“No,” she said. “It was someone else. Kevin was . . . afterwards.”
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It struck her again how little he knew of the basic facts of her 31
life. Was he aware of the gaping holes? The pieces that didn’t fit?
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So many lies, large and small, piled on top of each other. Even if 33
she told him the truth, would he ever be able to trust her?
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“I wonder,” she said, “if you can know someone. Really know 35 S
who they are. I used to think you could. I used to think I did.”
36 R
Then something was shifting in her chest, shifting and grow-6 6
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ing larger. Without warning it exploded. She began to cry. But 1
this time she didn’t turn away. This time she let him see.
2
“I love you, too,” she whispered. And held tight to his hand.
3
It was like the words had been torn from her heart, leaving a 4
gaping wound. But with the pain came a strange lightness, as if 5
something had begun.
6
Rick rocked her in his arms, whispering into her hair. He softly 7
stroked her back while she cried, sobbing into his shoulder. He 8
showed no sign of annoyance, no sign of discomposure. He 9
seemed to accept without question the chaos of her emotions.
10
She could almost believe that he would understand, almost be-11
lieve she could tell him.
12
Almost believe, almost believe . . .
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Almost, but not quite.
14
After she didn’t know how long, the tears finally stopped. Ex-15
hausted, she lay against Rick, matching her breath to his. It was 16
like she’d been swept up onto this bed from some wild storm-17
tossed sea. But one of her arms lay across Rick’s chest, and again 18
she glimpsed the scars.
You belong to us,
they seemed to say.
This
19
is who you are.
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Wednesday–Saturday, April 12–15
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a l l i e sat at the kitchen table, reading, drinking coffee.
2
Memories of the night before tumbled through her mind. Sun 3
poured in through the windows, warming up the room. She’d 4
been there for a couple of hours, unable to concentrate. Twice 5
she’d reread the same page, but nothing registered.
6
Her cell phone rang, breaking her loose. She grabbed it from 7
her purse. Kevin. It was Kevin. She instantly felt queasy.
8
He barely bothered to say hello. “Is something wrong?” he asked.
9
His voice was just as she remembered, a nasal monotone. At 10
the same time, his voice was a stranger’s voice. He was someone 11
she didn’t know. She’d thought that she might talk to him, tell 12
him about the note. Now that she had him on the phone, she saw 13
how mistaken she’d been.
14
“No,” she said firmly. “No. Nothing’s wrong.”
15
“Well, you called me,” he said curtly. “I suppose you had some 16
reason.”
17
“Right,” she said. “There was.”
18
Despite the hundreds of miles between them, she felt his irri-19
tation. She’d been wrong in thinking that time would have soft-20
ened his feelings for her. Kevin might be slow to anger, but he 21
knew how to hold a grudge. If it hadn’t been for Anna, she’d have 22