In the beginning he had respected Carter’s need for privacy and anonymity and made no attempt to delve into his personal life; their meet-ups sounded sexy and intriguing, and Reed was more than willing to play along. But Reed had never been into sex for the mere physical release.
In every prior relationship, he’d craved an emotional connection before becoming physical with the man; that had always been his problem. He didn’t have it in him to casually give his heart away. Reed thought he’d reached a point where he could turn off the needy side of his personality and remain as coolly detached as Carter. He’d tried and held strong for several months, but Carter’s tender attentiveness and the incredibly passionate sex they shared broke down all his best intentions. Reed fell harder than ever before.
But this last time at the bar had hurt. Hurt badly. Because the one thing Reed had been denying for a while was that he’d developed feelings for Carter; how could he not? They may only have been together a handful of times, but their days and nights were spent crawling inside not only each other’s bodies, but their minds, hearts, and souls. Reed knew what Carter sounded like as he slept and the sounds of pleasure he made stretching awake in the morning. How his jaw tensed and his neck arched and strained in an effort to hold himself together as he climaxed deep inside Reed. Even now, Reed could hear Carter’s wickedly seductive chuckle echoing in his ear when Carter cornered him in the shower, spread-eagled him to the tiled wall, and proceeded to take him apart with his soft, flickering tongue.
He refused to delve too deep inside his own heart to see if it remained intact or if he’d already given a part of it away to Carter. But tonight Reed made a decision, one he hoped he’d have the guts to keep once the morning came. After his class he planned to visit Carter’s office and let him know both of them were worth so much more than anonymous fucks in hotel rooms. More importantly, Reed disliked the thought of Carter finding other men to replace him if he’d taken Reed’s brush-off seriously. As a matter of fact, he fucking hated it.
Somehow Reed had to persuade Carter that once bodies were engaged, hearts were sure to follow. And, if he was willing to take that chance with Reed, then there might be a way for them to move ahead. Together.
* * *
Don’t be intimidated
. The mantra played inside Reed’s head the next afternoon when he entered Carter’s office building. After the obligatory sign-in at the security desk, he waited by the elevator, whistling tunelessly under his breath, foot tapping with nervous energy. It was only after he realized people stared at him that he stopped, understanding his behavior might make other people uneasy.
The elevators whooshed him up to the twenty-first floor, disgorging him into a brightly lit hallway where he followed the signs to the doorway marked “Haywood & Associates.” The door opened up to a waiting area where an enormous dark wood desk stood as a barrier to the offices behind it. A red-headed woman in her mid-fifties sat behind it, staring intently at her computer while she sipped from a large mug that said:
Wine—the Other Venti Drink
.
She looked up and gave him a brief yet friendly smile.
“May I help you?”
His heart pounding, Reed ran a shaking hand through his hair and swallowed. “Uh, yeah, I mean, yes. I’d like to see Carter, please.”
At her slightly shocked expression, Reed realized she had no idea who he was or how he knew her boss. “I mean, Mr. Haywood.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You don’t have an appointment, do you?”
“N-no,” he answered, growing more intimidated by the minute, “but if you tell him Reed is here, I think he’ll want to speak to me.”
“I’m sorry, but Mr. Haywood is on a business call, and then he has another call right after that. I can take your name and information and have him get back to you.”
Brisk, efficient, and warning him off, Reed decided. That only made him more determined to see Carter.
“I’ll wait, thanks.” He turned his back and began to walk over to sit down in one of the chrome and leather chairs set about in the waiting alcove, when she called out to him.
“That will be impossible. Mr. Haywood has client meetings all day. He doesn’t have a free moment.”
“I’m sure he has to have lunch or take a break.” This woman had no idea how recalcitrant he could be when someone tried to tell him no.
“He had a lunch call. Now please. Give me your number, and I’ll make sure to have him call you.”
Her phone buzzed, and she picked it up and tucked it under her chin. “Yes?” She listened and began scribbling notes with her right hand while manipulating the keyboard of her computer with her left.
Reed took that as a sign that she couldn’t stop him if he took off looking for Carter, so without giving it a second thought, he strode right past her desk to the back of the office suite. He heard her call out to him but ignored her, and with the blood rushing to his head, hustled down the corridor, checking the doors to see if one had Carter’s name on it. All he could see were conference rooms, a file room, and a door marked “restroom.”
The hallway curved around, widening to a double door with Carter’s name on a placard. Finally. Without stopping to think, Reed pushed it open, stepped inside, and closed the door behind him. A thrill shot through Reed at the sight of Carter in his formal business attire of navy suit, stark white shirt, and bright-green tie. To the bar he’d always come casually dressed, and Reed remembered him with his clients—he’d had on a dress shirt, no tie and unbuttoned at the neck. And of course, Reed knew what lay beneath all the clothing: long limbs, lean muscles, and warm, naked flesh.
“What the—” Carter stood, a flush rising to stain his cheeks.
“Hi. I came to talk to you.”
Reed walked closer to the L-shaped desk with three computers and multicolored files stacked in neat rows across the top.
“Haywood, are you there?” A disembodied voice carried from the computer screen, and to Reed’s dismay he realized Carter was on a video conference, not a simple telephone call.
“Yes, yes, of course I am, Grant,” Carter said in a soothing voice.
There was nothing soft about the look Carter shot him, and chastened, Reed sank into a small chair positioned off to the side of the wide desk. This was the Carter from their last encounter at the bar: cold, hard, and strictly business. The hotly passionate man who held him in his arms and kissed him senseless during their weekends together was nowhere to be found. Before him sat a man he didn’t know and didn’t like very much. This Carter made him anxious, and the stupidity of his actions finally sunk in.
“I was saying that I believe the demographics being what they are now, with more people choosing to live in the city and have more than one pet, they will be driven to buy your pet food because they believe in high quality, natural ingredients, and having the best for their animals, who they consider part of their family. And we can push your ads to their smartphones and tablets when they’re in their favorite grocery store as well as any pet store.”
“Good. That’s what I want to hear. Let me think about it, and I’ll have an answer for you tomorrow.”
“Of course. Take your time, and give my best to Sharlene.”
Carter clicked the keyboard and then exhaled long and hard, his chin falling to his chest. Reed tensed and was about to open his mouth to speak when the phone buzzed and without even looking, Carter reached for the phone and hit the button.
“Yes.”
A woman’s voice filled the room, presumably the secretary up front. “Carter, a man came in and—”
“It’s okay, Lucy. Do me a favor, though. Hold my calls, okay?”
“But you have—”
“I know.” For the first time Carter looked directly at him, and Reed sucked in a breath at the hard glint in his eyes. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready. It won’t take long.”
Dismissed again. That choking sensation returned, the one where so many important things to say became twisted up and caught in his throat, yet he couldn’t get the words out fast enough. While Carter gave his secretary instructions, Reed talked himself down off his emotional cliff.
“Why are you here?”
Carter’s harsh tone, one he’d never heard before, jolted him back to reality. He’d been so busy inside his own head he hadn’t realized Carter was off the phone. Damning his shaking hands, Reed studied Carter’s hard, unforgiving face, trying to find some semblance of the man who whispered his desire while setting his body aflame.
“I, uh, um…” Thoroughly rattled now, Reed couldn’t answer. Furious with himself and his escalating anxiety, he blinked back the tears that threatened to humiliate him even further and attempted a deep, calming breath.
“Here.” Carter sat next to him and poured a cup of water from a pitcher on his desk and gave it to him. curving his palm around Reed’s to steady its shaking. “Take your time.”
Several moments passed before the tightness in Reed’s throat eased, allowing him to swallow. Reed finally raised his eyes to meet Carter’s, which to his surprise gazed back at him, soft with understanding.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
Liar,
but now was not the time for a true confession to his screwed-up mental state.
“Don’t worry about it. I used to feel like that when I took debate class in school.” The tiniest hint of a smile broke through. “I’d want to throw up in the bathroom right before class.”
“I can’t imagine anyone winning an argument against you. You’re pretty persuasive.”
Carter’s eyes dimmed. “I couldn’t win you over. You left.”
Reed set his cup on the desk, then hitched his chair around to face Carter, and the rush of words exploded before he had a chance to think. “I left because I can’t be your shadow lover anymore. I’m sorry I misled you, and I really thought I’d be able to do it, but when you brushed me off like that in front of those people, it hurt me. Badly. More than I thought it would.”
He stopped, and Carter took his hand. “Feel better now?”
“A little. But not enough.”
The sound of his breathing filled the room. Carter dropped his hand.
“What do you want from me? I can’t make you promises.”
“I’m not asking for forever. I’m looking for respect from the man I’m sleeping with. But it all comes down to you.”
Reed watched Carter’s jaw work but couldn’t stop and pressed onward.
“We have something, something more than physical, at least. I know you’ve felt it.”
At that, Carter smiled and slid his hands up Reed’s thighs toward his crotch. “I love feeling you.”
Annoyed, Reed moved away from Carter to stand in front of the immaculate desk and looked down at him as he spoke. He’d expected this response and was prepared. “Don’t make a joke of my feelings. I get you have a very private side; I’m not saying you have to introduce me to the family and invite me over for barbecues. But like I said before, I’m not your dirty secret to hide away in hotel rooms and never think about except for those two weekend nights. I deserve more than that and so do you.”
“I can’t give you more than one weekend a month; I’m sorry.”
The tightness in his chest released a bit. “You’ve made that clear enough from the beginning. But I won’t be with someone who’s cheating on a wife or another lover.”
“I’m not; I’ve told you before I don’t have a wife.” Carter closed in on him, pinning him to the desk. “I barely have time for myself; there is no wife, husband, or other lover. There’s only you. And I have no fucking idea what to do about it.” Carter held him close, and his misgivings melted away.
How could it be wrong when Carter’s arms around him made everything right in his world?
“It’s become more than sex for me, Carter. I can’t lie to you.”
Reed found it hard to breathe, never mind talk, with Carter’s lips so close to his. This wasn’t panic or anxiety, though. This was something new and wondrous, leaving him shaking in the aftermath of realization.
Love.
“I don’t want you to lie, and I’m not lying either when I tell you I was fucking miserable thinking of someone else touching you.” Carter leaned him back over the desk, his chest pressing against Reed’s, and there it was again; that furious pounding of Carter’s heart that told Reed everything he needed to know, even if Carter didn’t understand it himself.
Reed kept his thoughts to himself, knowing now was not the time. “That didn’t happen; it couldn’t. I don’t want anyone else. Do you?”
The harsh lines around Carter’s mouth deepened with his frown. “No. I want you. I want you right now as a matter of fact. So fucking bad. Do you feel it?”
“Yeah.” Reed reached down and traced the bulge of Carter’s erection through the fine wool of his trousers, feeling it twitch and thicken beneath his fingers, and thought how easy it would be to take Carter in his mouth and give him pleasure. Instead, he caught Carter’s face between his hands and took his mouth hard, pouring everything he couldn’t put into words into his kiss. Carter moaned his approval, his hands roaming, pulling up Reed’s sweater to splay against the naked skin of his back.
So fucking good. Reed wanted to give in right then and bend over that desk, but he refrained, knowing if he did it this time, Carter would come to expect these types of “visits.” Reed wanted more, and not without regret, pulled away.
“Next time we see each other it will happen, but it won’t be over a desk in your office. Can you try to find the time to be together more than only one weekend a month?”
Carter leaned against the desk and wiped his mouth, slanting a haunted look of regret at Reed. His tie lay pulled off center, and his now wrinkled shirt had come untucked from his suit pants. Those full lips Reed couldn’t get enough of pouted, red and kiss-swollen, and his silvery eyes drooped, heavy-lidded with lust. He looked beautiful but broken, and Reed ached to hold him.
“I—don’t know…” Carter turned and braced his hands on the desk, his back toward Reed. “You don’t understand.”
“Help me to, then.” Reed laid a hand on Carter’s back, feeling not only the power in his shoulders but the dampness of sweat and distress. “I won’t run away. Talk to me and let me try, if I can.”