The Beginning of Us (146 page)

My attempts at getting Stosh back fell flat. As unfortunate as it was, I had to keep trying.

For the first couple weeks, my family had so much going on. Between my sister being arraigned and deciding what they were going to do about getting her a lawyer, they were completely on edge. My father wanted her to just magically get better, while my mother thought more rationally. She knew that Ivy needed professional help. Whether it have been in jail or in a mental facility, she wouldn’t pose a threat. They argued every single night about posting her million-dollar bail.

I think what finally settled the quarrel was the fact that I threatened to leave if she were to come home, even for a temporary stay until her actual trial.

It was hard for them to have to pick which daughter to help. I got that. I just couldn’t forgive like they wanted to.

My days of being friends with my sister were very over.

Ever since finding out the whole story, Stosh’s mother and I had grown very close. She called every couple of days and kept me optimistic about having a future with her son. I knew part of it was so that they could have a life with their first grandchild, but it didn’t matter, because I wanted that, too.

Stosh was having a difficult time. He’d been released from the hospital and had started physical therapy. Unfortunately, since the shooting, he’d not been able to feel anything below the waist.

His mother said that he wasn’t even back to work yet. They’d paid his rent, so that he wouldn’t lose his place. He was staying there all alone and giving up on everything that ever meant something to him.

It saddened me so much. We could be happy together, but he insisted on being so damn stubborn. I tried calling him. His parents even tried to talk some sense into him.

Nothing was helping.

Finally, sometime during the fourth week, I couldn’t take it any longer. Going against everyone’s advice, I found myself standing outside of Stosh’s place. I could hear the television on, so I knew he was home.

I knocked twice, before I heard him yell, “it’s open.”

I assume that he figured I was his mom, when he just invited me in. The look on his face confirmed my inclinations. He creased his brow and shook his head. “You shouldn’t be here.”

I looked around and noticed all of the furniture had been moved to allow a wheelchair to get around. Stosh was sitting on the couch with the chair right next to him. I sat down on the opposite end of the couch. “It was my decision, not yours.”

“Why did you come? Did you want to see how awful it is? Are you satisfied, or do you need to see me struggle to get a glass of water, or watch me trying to climb on the toilet to be able to take a shit?”

I wasn’t prepared to feel sorry for him, but that was exactly what was happening. Since he had no feeling below the waist, I knew that maneuvering around was extremely difficult. “I can see it’s been hard for you.”

The room got quiet. I didn’t know what to say to him. He was miserable and I couldn’t take that pain away. I thought about our baby and instinctively rubbed my stomach. Since I was jobless, all I’d been doing was eating. A little bump was starting to form and in just a few more weeks I would be having a sonogram to see what the sex of our baby was.

Stosh saw me rubbing my bump. “How are you feeling?”

I shrugged. “I’m not getting sick, but it hasn’t been easy. I’m not supposed to be stressed and it’s all I’ve been my whole pregnancy. My parents have been helping me. They offered to let me live with them until I can get back on my feet. They think I should just wait until after the baby is born to go back to work.”

“Sounds like you have things figured out.” He flipped through the channels, refusing to look at me.

“I miss you.” Maybe I shouldn’t have just come out with it like that. I couldn’t sit there any longer without expressing my feelings.

He shook his head and turned off the television. After running his hands over his face, he finally turned to face me. “Will, I’m not going to lie to you. I miss you, too. It’s just…I can’t see us ever being happy with me in that damn chair.”

“Well, I can’t see us ever
being
happy without
being
together. I want you. I want every part of you. Don’t you get that?”

I knew he wanted to stand up and walk away, except he couldn’t and it was driving him crazy. “Don’t you think I’ve thought of every possible way for us to be together? Willow, I can’t feel anything anymore. Do you get what that means? I may never be able to give you what you need.”

My jaw dropped. “Do you seriously think that all I care about is having sex? There are other things that people can do to be intimate with each other. Besides, I want you, not your dick!”

Perhaps he was a bit shocked at what came out of my mouth. He waited a few seconds before answering. “It will get old. I can’t take the rejection. Do you understand that I’d rather not be together now, then spend five to ten years together and have you leave me. I don’t want to taste happiness, when I know it isn’t going to last.”

I got down on the floor and positioned myself between his legs. “There are no guarantees in life, Stosh. I could walk out that door and get into an accident. I could be hit by lightning and die. You can sit there and say you don’t want to try. You can sit there and act like a little bitch, but I know what I want. I know what we’re up against and all of it is worth it, if it lets us be together.”

“Did you just call me a bitch?”

I put my hands on his knees and sat up, face to face with him. “Yes, I did. What are you going to do about it?”

He looked hurt as he reached out and touched my face. I closed my eyes, accepting his affectionate gesture. “You’re killing me.”

I reached up and kept his hand on me. Slowly, while staring into his eyes, I brought his hand down my neck and left it sitting on my breast. “I’m not leaving.”

I leaned forward, pushing him back against the couch. It turned me on to be completely in control. I was careful as I climbed up onto his lap. “Willow…”

I kissed his soft lips. At first, he turned his head. I kissed his jaw and then his neck. “Tell me what you want, Stosh.” I nibbled on his ear, before kissing it. “Tell me that you want me to walk out that door and never come back. Is that what you really want?” I nudged his face with my nose and felt him bringing his lips toward mine. “Kiss me.”

He kissed me slowly, holding back from what I knew he was capable of. I pulled away and ran my fingers over his lips. He reached his hands around my waist and groaned. I swayed my hips back and forth and felt his hands going under my shirt and up my back. “You could have someone else that can walk with you and satisfy you the way I never can.”

“They’ll never give me what I want. They can’t be you, Stosh. They’ll never be what I want.” I kissed him again, feeling totally satisfied with just being in his arms.

“I have nothing to offer you. I can’t be a good father, if I can’t even walk around.”

“You don’t think our son or daughter is going to want to ride around with their cool dad? I don’t care about the chair. I don’t care about taking walks, or what you may not be able to do. I’ve loved you for so long and nothing has ever changed that. I’ll never be happy unless I’m with you.”

He stopped letting me kiss him. I saw fear in his eyes, even before they started to water. “I’m scared.”

“Don’t be.” I tried to kiss him but he pulled away again.

“I’m scared of losing you, Willow. I’m afraid to let you in, because I can’t live with watching you leave me. I just want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

“That is a lie. You will be miserable and you know it. Words can’t describe what I feel when I’m with you. I know you feel that way, too. My sister took so much from me, but I won’t let her keep us apart. I won’t let anything keep us apart, Stosh. You’re my best friend and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t care if you can’t walk. I don’t care about any of that. I love you for so many other reasons. Our baby is going to love you and you are the only father that they’ll ever have.”

A single tear fell down his cheeks. “Please don’t say these things to make me happy.”

I kissed him on the forehead. “I’m saying these things because they’re true. What can I do to prove that to you?” I put my hands on his cheeks and made him look me in the eyes. “Stop pushing me away. Be with me because you want it as much as I do. These past few weeks have been Hell for me. I came here today, because I can’t take living another day without you. If you think I’m ever going to want something else, you’re totally wrong. You’re all I will ever want. I know it, because every time I think of you, I get butterflies in my stomach. Thinking about this baby growing inside of me, and knowing we made it together, makes my heart melt. I want you there when our child is born. I want you there for the first steps, for the first day of school and sitting next to me when they graduate from high school.”

He cleared his throat. “You’re not asking very much.”

I laughed. “I want it all!”

He ran his hands up and down my arms. “I can see that fighting with you only makes you try harder.”

“I can sit here forever if I have to.” Of course, that was an exaggeration. I already had to use the bathroom and being pregnant wasn’t helping.

“I guess there’s only one thing left to do then.”

“What’s that?” I wasn’t going to let him push me away this time. I was there for one reason and it wasn’t to be rejected. I was fighting for my future, a future for my family.

“I guess I need to hurry up with that divorce.”

“Come again?”

“Willow, I talked to my lawyer when this all started happening. He said that since Ivy and I shared nothing of value, once the separation period was over, we could sign the papers and be done. Ivy will be locked up anyway. She won’t be able to hurt us. I won’t let her.”

“Are you saying what I think you are?” I was afraid to blink.

“The way I see it, I don’t have a choice but to give you what you want.”

“It’s taken you long enough to see that.” I was so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling.

He sighed. “It’s not going to be easy. I may never walk again and I’m having a hard time dealing with that. I’m going to have to move out of here, since I can’t take care of the main house, and that was how I got half taken off of my rent. I’ll do my best to try to keep you happy and to be a father, but with no legs, it will be difficult. I’m going to need you to have patience, since I know that’s something you struggle with.”

I put my fingers over his lips. “Stop talking.” I laughed. “Just tell me what I want to hear. I want you to say it without all this explaining.”

“You were right and I was wrong. I haven’t given up on us, because you’re all I want. I miss my best friend and being without you is tearing me apart. I never considered that something like this could happen to me. I thought once your sister was caught, we’d finally be together. When I found myself in the hospital, crippled, I just figured you’d be better off without me. I knew you’d fight me on it and it would be difficult. I just couldn’t imagine holding you back. I didn’t want to ruin your life.”

“It was never like that for me. I never even considered walking away. I’d do anything for you, Stosh.”

He pulled me into a hug and kept his lips near my ear. “Thank you for giving me the time I needed to see it. I’m sorry I hurt you, Willow. I know I promised I’d never do that again. Why you keep giving me chances is beyond my understanding. I don’t deserve you.”

“Well, your getting me anyway, because I can’t give you up. You’re all mine!”

We spent the rest of the afternoon cuddled up on that couch. Sure, I had to get up to use the bathroom and I made us something to eat. I also had to call my parents and let them know that we were working things out and I wouldn’t be home. Nothing was going to keep us apart, ever again.

Chapter 29

So long, farewell!

With each passing day, my belly grew and Stosh got used to being in a wheelchair. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. We found a house and my parents helped us put a down payment on it. I think they wanted to help me so much because they felt guilty. At any rate, we needed it.

Stosh finally went back to work for his father. He could do everything from his new home office. Since he was in sales, it wasn’t necessary for him to go into the office. All of his coworkers knew his situation and were fine with him working from our house.

We decided that I wasn’t going to work until after the baby was born. Stosh made enough to afford the mortgage and our other bills, so we weren’t stretched on money.

Once we’d moved in, everything finally settled down. Mine and Stosh’s parents insisted on buying us new furniture for our house. They didn’t want anything from the past reminding us of what we’d been through. I didn’t mind it. I think it made us appreciate each other more.

Normally, Stosh would work from nine to five. Of course, he had plenty of down time to spend with me. We got hooked on soap operas and spent his lunch break in bed or on the couch.

I ate more than ever before and gained double the amount of weight I should have. We were just so happy and so in love. The anticipation of the new baby coming brought on all sorts of late night cravings. Stosh had the delivery places on his speed dial and I was pretty sure they were on a first name basis.

His love for me was so apparent, and the time that we’d been apart soon was a lost memory. Each day was better than the one before it and I was so grateful for the way things had turned out.

Ivy’s trial didn’t happen until three months after she’d been arrested. She started in the local county corrections center. My parents had come to us the week before the trial begging me to go see my sister. They said she needed to talk to me before she was sentenced. My, now showing, belly would reveal my pregnancy. Even though I’d told her I was expecting on that horrible night she’d tried to kill us, I don’t think it really sank in as being real.