The Beginning of Us (54 page)

“Lex, look at me…I can’t imagine anyone fitting better in my life, sweetheart.  Tell me why you think that.”

She shrugs her shoulders and looks at me. “It’s just that you’re Garrett McKenna, and I can’t drop everything in my life to be a superstar’s girlfriend. You deserve someone that can.”

Did I ever tell her she’d have to give up her life to be part of mine? I’d give up my entire world to be part of hers. This is exactly what the guys and I have been talking about the last few weeks. “Sweetheart, I’d never want you to give up anything on my behalf. Baby, I want to add to your life, not take away from it. Is that the reason for all these tears?”

She shakes her head. “Just a few of them.”

“Ok…what are the rest of these tears for?” She shakes her head forcefully.

“No, I can’t talk about that right now.” She says with a panicked expression. “Garrett, I know you are soooo special. And the girl that earns your heart eventually… the right girl… she’ll be so very lucky. But I’m not her. I’m broken and not really fixable. I don’t know if I ever will be. So what I need, right now, is for you to get in this truck and drive away before we wreck each other. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and Sierra…I have to be more careful. I’m sorry…but...please,” she pleads, as she slides out of the truck and out of my grasp. “I’m really sorry, Garrett. Please, forgive me.”

I’m speechless. She’s telling me goodbye…like permanently… not just for the night. Not on my fucking life…She can’t… I won’t let her… I love her.

“Sweetheart, are you pushing me away because I’m not making you happy, or because you think you’re not what I need? I really need you to tell me before I make my next move, Lex.” She looks to me, shaking her head.

“No, you are
‘Garrett McKenna the huge star’
. The person you cherish in this life needs to be one that will move mountains to be beside you and take care of you. Not someone who you’ll have to mold yourself around to fit into their already established life, especially not one that is broken and needs so much time and work to repair. You have no idea how broken I really am.”

“Alexis, it’s me who’s unworthy, sweetheart. What kind of man is lucky enough to find the girl of his dreams ten years ago, screw up enough that I miss out on the chance of a lifetime, only for it to come back to me all these years later? Baby, it’s you I want, just you, and that little blond inside the house. I want to cherish you both.” I accidently let a single tear escape the tear fortress. Even grown men get emotional every once in a while.

“Garrett…I don’t think you understand….I’m not…..” She’s not relenting. I can see in her eyes that she is still playing tug-of-war with her heart and her fear. I need to put a stop to this, quickly. I can’t let her continue to tell herself, or me, that she isn’t good enough. She’s better than good enough. She’s the best!

“Lex, shut the hell up! I don’t want to hear any more about how unworthy of being in my life you are. It’s insulting! If you think, for one minute, that I’m walking out that door because you believe, in that overly smart brain of yours, that you aren't what I need, you really have gone bat-shit crazy! There is no way I’m letting you push me away. NO.WAY.BABY! I’m staying. I’m keeping you, and I’m keeping the cute little blond upstairs, too. I don't know how many more ways I can tell you, but YOU are exactly what I need and want and most importantly, what I can’t fucking live without!” She smiles. Thank Holy Christ! I’ve never needed to see someone smile more than right at this moment. Damn…I love this girl, but I can’t tell her now… that could send her into another tailspin.

I’ve never wanted to give a girl anything, ever. Now I want to give her everything and anything she wants. Hell, she can have my last name if that would make her happy. I know for sure it would make me the happiest man in the world! 

“Garrett, you make me feel things I’m not sure I am ready for, things I haven’t ever felt before, not even with Jed. I’ve never connected with anyone else like this, and it scares me because you’ve made me need you. But at the same time what Jed gave in regards to parenting Sierra, I don't think she'll ever have that again. And that makes me sad, too. This is complicated, and I feel guilty for wanting what we have. You’ll have to sacrifice so much to be part of us, Sierra and me. I just want more for you. Simple as that.”

That’s it! She needs to know how I feel so that she’ll see what walking away would do to me.

“Lex, I love you like crazy, sweetheart! I was afraid to tell you too soon, and give you one more reason to run for the hills, but babe...” I pause to gather my nerve, “seriously, I think I loved you the minute I met you ten years ago. Your pretty little eyes have always seen right through me. You've always seen the real me, even when I didn't think anyone ever would see past the voice and guitar.

“Baby, all I want is for you to let me hold you, kiss you, and love you. I want that more than my next breath, it’s not a sacrifice, sweetheart, ever,” I say. “What you had with Jed in regards to parenting Sierra, no baby, you'll never have that again. It'll always be different. But different doesn't have to be bad. We can make it good. I don't know the first thing about little girls. I do know that little girl makes my heart sing in ways I’ve never known. I also know there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do to keep her from harm. Babe, she's a part of you. I instinctively love her with all my being, since all my being is wrapped up in you. I want to take care of you girls. Stop pushing me away and let me.”

Alexis

Chapter 18

What in the world just happened? I was breaking it off…and now he’s professed his love for Sierra & me. How is it possible a guy like Garrett would want me? I’m not really sure what to say to his declaration. He wants us, in spite of the fact that I offer nothing to him except baggage. It doesn’t seem fair, but I love him, too, and letting him go would irreparably break me. Whitney was right about that, but I’d never admit that to her. He does make me happy, and he loves my baby girl. He says he’s keeping us, but I don’t know what that really means. Even though I have so many unanswered questions, I’m trying to smile through the emotions and show him that what he’s saying means a lot to me.

“I love you, too. I love you more than I ever expected. This scares the living shit out of me.
You
scare me. But I
will
try. You’re going to need to be patient with me, though. My emotions are all going haywire. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me,” I say to Garrett. I’m happy that walking away wasn’t easy for him, but I feel like the amount he’s going to have to sacrifice for us won’t be worth the limited rewards. It won’t be a fair trade.

He’s holding me tightly, like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. As if I would walk away after what he just said. He’s watching me closely. I’m trying to reassure him that I’m okay, but how the hell would he know that from the way I just acted. I pretty much told him to get lost, that I was a disaster area and he should run for the hills. Yet he’s stayed. I’m glad. I’ve grown to need him so madly.

I haven’t even told him about Sierra and what’s happening at school. I don’t want him to think I expect him to step in as an instant daddy, but it’s hard not imagining us as a family. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to turn the tables and scare him away, or for him to feel obligated to take that step with Sierra.

“I’m so sorry, Garrett. I really did, kind of still do, think you would be better off. But I’m glad you want to be here with me, anyway.”

He bends down and lifts me by my bottom. I wrap my legs around his waist as we walk into the house. “Sierra,” he calls out toward the stairs. “Come on, princess. We’re going swimming and then we’re packing for a trip!”

She’s running down the stairs before he finishes the sentence. “Yay, Garrett, you came back!”

He places me on my feet and picks her up, walking out back to the pool. He sits her down and takes off their sneakers and socks. Standing up, he grabs her in his arms and jumps into the pool, both of them fully clothed and laughing.

“Come in, Mama. This is fun.” And I do. We swim for a while before ordering pizza to eat by the pool. It’s a perfect family fun night.

“Garrett, you know we really can’t go to Nashville with you tomorrow, right?” I say to him, pleading for him to understand.

“No, babe, I don’t know that. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me your objections, so that I can figure out a way around them.” He flashes a charming smile.

Then my little peanut pipes right into the conversation. “Mama, I want to go to Nashville, too,” Sierra says, looking at me like I have four heads for saying we can’t go.

I look to Garrett for help. “Will she really be safe at a concert? There will be a lot of people there.” Now, Garrett’s looking at me like I have four heads.

“Lex, do you really think I’d ever let anything happen to my girls? Babe, you’ll both be on the side stage. I’ll be able to see you the whole time and I’ll have security doubled whenever you’re around.” Oh…security. Of course, he would have security. We haven’t had to deal with that much here, but we’ve not really gone anyplace.

“Garrett, can I sing on stage too with the real life microphone?” Sierra asks. “I know your songs good,” she entreats, batting her baby blues. She knows just how to work him.

“Sure, princess. I’d love that,” he says. He’s just made her dreams come true. I’m not really sure how that’ll work out. We can resolve that tomorrow.

I tell Sierra it’s time to get ready for bed. She kisses Garrett goodnight and he tells her he will be here to wake her up tomorrow. I take her inside to bathe. After her bath Garrett reads one of her favorite books, using all the funny character voices, just the way she likes. Then he says goodnight to her, leaving us to our private goodnight song and prayers.

I sing her the bedtime song, and then she says her prayers. As always, “God Bless Mama, Uncle, Aunty, my cousins, Aunty Whit, my daddy in heaven, and all my friends, and one more thing God…could please make Garrett my new daddy? I really want him to be, because he loves us and I love him and even mama loves him, too. Amen.”  Oh my…I don’t say anything to that. There’s nothing I can possibly say. I kiss her on her head and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me. I find Garrett sitting against the wall with his head in his hands and tears streaming his cheeks.

He heard… I warned him this would be too much to deal with. “Garrett, I’m sorry. Did you hear that? I’ll talk to her, try to make her understand that you can’t be her daddy.”

He stands up, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom. “Lex, shut up. You’re ruining the best thing I’ve ever heard,” he says, laying me on my bed, kissing me ferociously. “Sweetheart, I heard that she said she loves me enough that she thinks I could be her daddy, and that she knows I love you both. If she can figure this shit out at four, you have got to stop questioning it, too. Got it, lady? Today you told me that you love me, and, even though, you keep trying to ruin this for me by doubting what we have, this is the best day of my life, sweetheart. And I fully intend to finish it off with fireworks. Get naked fast, Lex. We have some making up to do!” he says right before he attacks me, tugging at our clothes. As great as that sounds, Sierra is right down the hall and there’s no way she’s sleeping. I want him, but we need to put it on ice for a few minutes.

“Garrett, wait….Sierra’s not sleeping, yet. I don’t want her to come in here,” I say, putting a halt to his plans.

“Shit, you’re right.” He stops and kisses me. “I have my bags in the truck. Let me go get some dry clothes and make you a cup of tea. Sound good?” I nod yes. “Climb in the tub. I’ll be back in a minute,” he says, as he puts his shirt back on and jogs out of the room.

I do exactly as he says and run a nice hot bath. Today was such an awful day. I never would have imagined that it would end like this. I take a minute to text Whitney and my brother, letting them both know all is well and that I’ll call them tomorrow. Then I climb into the tub to wait for my man. Yes…my man. I have a man, and he loves me. He loves us. In spite of my crappy day, I find myself smiling. I’m too happy right now not to smile.

When Garrett comes back into the room, he brings my cup of tea and sets it on the ledge next to the tub. Then he’s kneeling over the tub to kiss me. “I checked on Sierra. She’s sleeping like an angel. Is there room in that tub for two?”

Nodding my head. “Absolutely, please, Garrett.” He takes off his clothes and climbs into the tub, resting behind me, my back is to his front.

I need to tell him what happened at the school today and why Sierra is obsessed with daddies. I don’t know what to say or how to start this conversation, so I blurt it out.

“The teachers think Sierra is acting out and being mean to one of the other little girls in class, because her daddy brings her to school every day. Apparently, Sierra told the little girl that soon her daddy would die and leave her, because all daddies leave. I hope she didn’t mean to intentionally upset the little girl, but I suspect she did. That’s how it worked out in her world, and either she doesn’t quite understand, yet, that it doesn’t happen to everyone, or she’s bitter because it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happened to her.” He tenses immediately.

“Damn, babe! When did this happen? Why didn’t you call me earlier and tell me. I would’ve been there. Shit…what can we do, sweetheart? Please, tell me how to make her feel better. ”

Shit. I can’t believe I just put all that out there, and he still isn’t scared off. What in the world have I done to deserve his loyalty? “Garrett, you can’t drop everything you’re doing to run to Sierra & me every time something bad happens. And, for the record, when I found out I was trying to send you off to your happily ever after. That’s why I didn’t tell you. But you wouldn’t go.” I’m sad and frustrated that I didn’t foresee this, but at the same time we have Garrett here now.

“Damn right, I wouldn’t go, and good luck with that the next time you try that shit. I know your system now. Sweetheart, always, always, always
call me
! I keep telling you that. I’ll
always
answer your calls. I would have been there. I would’ve to run to you and my princess. I’ve spent the whole day staring at my phone waiting for you to call or text me back, and nothing. I would’ve rather been there beside you, holding your hand, than any other place, Lex. You’re smart, lady! Listen to me and understand my words!”