The Best of Archy and Mehitabel (11 page)

as i was crawling

through the holes in

a swiss cheese

the other

day it occurred to

me to wonder

what a swiss cheese

would think if

a swiss cheese

could think and after

cogitating for some

time i said to myself

if a swiss cheese

could think

it would think that

a swiss cheese

was the most important

thing in the world

just as everything that

can think at all

does think about itself

these anarchists that

are going to

destroy organized

society and civilization

and everything remind

me of an ant i

knew one time

he was a big red ant a

regular bull of an

ant and he came bulging down a

garden path and ran

into a stone gate post curses on

you said the ant to the

stone gate post get out of my

way but the stone never budged

i will kick you over

said the ant and he kicked but

it only hurt his hind legs

well then said

the ant i will eat you down and

he began taking little bites

in a great rage maybe i said

you will do it in

time but it will

spoil your digestion first

a good many

failures are happy

because they don t

realize it many a

cockroach believes

himself as beautiful

as a butterfly

have a heart o have

a heart and

let them dream on

boss i believe

that the

millennium will

get here some day

but i could

compile quite a list

of persons

who will have

to go

first

tis very seldom i have felt

drawn to a scallop or a smelt

and still more rarely do i feel

love for the sleek electric eel

the oyster is useful in his fashion

but has little pride or passion

when the proud ibexes start from sleep

in the early alpine morns

at once from crag to crag they leap

alighting on their horns

and may a dozen times rebound

ere resting haughty on the ground

i do not like their trivial pride

nor think them truly dignified

did you ever

notice that when

a politician

does get an idea

he usually

gets it all wrong

boss i visited mehitabel last night

at her home in shinbone alley

she sat on a heap of frozen refuse

with those strange new kittens she has

frolicking around her

and sang a little song at the cold moon

which went like this

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i never was nobodys pet

i got a limp in my left hind leg

but theres life in the old dame yet

my first boy friend was a maltese tom

quite handsomely constructed

i trusted him but the first thing i knew

i was practically abducted

then i took up with a persian prince

a cat by no means plain

and that exotic son of a gun

abducted me again

what chance has an innocent kitten got

with the background of a lady

when feline blighters betray her trust

in ways lowlifed and shady

my next boy friend was a yellow bum

who loafed down by the docks

i rustled that gonifs rats for him

and he paid me with hard knocks

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i have led a helluva life

it was all these abductions unsettled my mind

for being somebodys wife

today i am here tomorrow flung

on a scow bound down the bay

but wotthehell o wotthehell

i m a lady thats toujours gai

my next boy friend was a theater cat

a kind of a backstage pet

he taught me to dance and get me right

theres a dance in the old dame yet

my next boy friend he left me flat

with a family and no milk

and i says to him as i lifted his eye

i ll learn ye how to bilk

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i have been through the mill

but in spite of a hundred abductions kid

i am a lady still

my next friend wore a ribbon and bells

but he laughed and left me broke

and i said as i sliced him into scraps

laugh off this little joke

some day my guts will be fiddle strings

but my ghost will dance while they play

for they cant take the pep from the old girls soul

and i am toujours gai

my heart has been broken a thousand times

i have had my downs and ups

but the queerest thing ever happened to me

is these kittens as turned out pups

o wotthehell o toujours gai

i never had time to fret

i danced to whatever tune was played

and theres life in the old dame yet

i have had my ups i have had my downs

i have been through the mill

but i said when i clawed that coyotes face

thank god i am a lady still

and then she added looking at those

extraordinary kittens of hers

archy i wish you would

take a little trip up to the zoo

and see if they have any department there

for odd sizes and new species

i got to find a home

for these damned freaks somewhere

poor little things my heart bleeds for them

it agonizes my maternal instinct

one way or another an artist always pays

archy

the men of science are talking

about the size and shape of the universe again

i thought i had settled that for them

years ago it is as big as you think it is

and it is spherical in shape

can you prove it isnt

it is round like a ball or an orange

providence made it that shape

so it would roll when he kicked it

and if you ask me how i know this

the answer is that that is just what

i would do myself

if there are any other practical

scientific questions you would like

to have answered just write to

archy the cockroach

the universe and archy

the inspired cockroach

sat and looked at each other

satirically

you write so many things

about me that are not true

complained the universe

there are so many things

about you which you seem to be

unconscious of yourself said archy