The Best of Archy and Mehitabel (13 page)

picking up news for you

a clock work one would do

with a chauffeur to keep it

wound up for me

and a lightning bug to

sit in front and be

the headlight on dark nights

i hate to mention food boss

it seems so sordid

and plebeian but i no longer

find any left over crusts

of sandwiches in your

waste paper basket i am

forced to haunt the

restaurants and hotels for food

and this is at the

imminent risk of my life

unless i get these things

i will quit you on

november first is not the

laborer worthy of his hire

yours for economic justice

and a living wage

archy

there are two

kinds of human

beings in the world

so my observation

has told me

namely and to wit

as follows

firstly

those who

even though they

were to reveal

the secret of the universe

to you would fail

to impress you

with any sense

of the importance

of the news

and secondly

those who could

communicate to you

that they had

just purchased

ten cents worth

of paper napkins

and make you

thrill and vibrate

with the intelligence

archy

a fish who had

swallowed an angle worm

found all too late

that a hook was nesting

in its midst ah me

said the poor fish

i am the most luckless

creature in the world

had you not pointed

that out said the worm

i might have supposed

myself a trifle

unfortunate

cheer up you two said

the fisherman jovially

the first two minutes

of that hook are always

the worst you must

cultivate a philosophic

state of mind

boss there is always

a comforting thought

in time of trouble when

it is not our trouble

archy

excuse me if my

writing is out of alignment i

fell into a bowl of

egg nog the other

day at the restaurant down

the street which the doctor

says he is glad to

hear you are keeping away

from and when i

emerged i was full of happy

inspirations alas they

vanished ere the break of

day i am sure they

were the most brilliant and

witty things that ever

emanated from the mind of

man or cockroach or poet i

sat inside a mince pie

and laughed and laughed at

them myself the world seemed all

one golden glory boss

i came up the

street to get all this

wonderful stuff onto paper for

you but when i tried to

operate the typewriter

my foot would slip and

by the time i had control

of the machine again

the thoughts had gone

forever it is the

tragedy of the artist

archy

thank you boss for the

swiss cheese i hardly hoped

for a whole one i

took up quarters in it at once

the little galleries and caves and

runways appealed to

my sense of adventure after

i had made a square

meal i lay down in the inner

chamber for a nap feeling

safe i had hardly composed my limbs

for slumber when i heard

a gnawing sound and squeaks

of glee cautiously i

approached the north gallery a mouse

was there i hastily

retreated thinking i would make

my escape by way of one of the

windows on the south facade another

mouse was there the citadel

in short was attacked on all sides mice

mice mice coming nearer and nearer

their cold blooded squeaks and the champing

of their cruel teeth made the night

hideous minute after minute i lay

in the stokehold

until the slow minutes grew into

intolerable hours of agony great drops

of perspiration broke through the callus

on my brow i prayed for

dawn or the night watchman suddenly

into my retreat protruded a whisker it

was so near it tickled me closer and

closer it came it twitched i knew

that it had felt me a moment more and

all would be over just as

i prepared myself for another

transmigration mehitabel the cat

bounded into the room and i was saved

if you get me another cheese please

put a wire cage over it

archy

i was up to central

park yesterday watching some

kids build a snow man when

they were done and had

gone away i looked it

over they had used two

little chunks of wood for

the eyes i sat on one

of these and stared at

the bystanders along came a

prudish looking

lady from flatbush she

stopped and regarded the

snow man i stood

up on my hind legs in

the eye socket and

waved myself at her

horrors she cried even the

snow men in manhattan

are immoral officer arrest

that statue it winked

at me madam said the cop

accept the tribute

as a christmas present

and be happy my own

belief is that some

people have immorality

on the brain

archy

ive got just one

resolution for this year boss

and here it is

better stuff and more rhymes

what have i got to look

forward to otherwise if

a vers libre poet is

reincarnated into

a cockroach what will

a vers libre cockroach

be reincarnated into i

ask you

i don t want to be

a amoeba next time do i

i sing the glad noo year

thats tending toward the norm

my song is one of cheer

im going to reform

see

archy

well boss on these

rainy days i wish i was

web footed like a jersey mosquito no

one has yet invented

an umbrella for cockroaches i was

over across the street

to the barroom you used to

frequent before you reformed today

and it was raining outside i

pulled a piece of cheese

rind over my head to

protect me from the weather and

started for the door as i

passed by one of the booths a man

who was sitting in it said to

his companion please call a

taxi for me where do you want to go

said his companion i am

bad again said the man i want to

go to some place where they

treat nervous diseases

at once you look all right

said his companion i may look all

right said he but i don t see

all right i just saw a piece

of cheese rind crawling along the

floor and as i passed by i

said to myself beware the demon rum

it gives your brain a quirk

it puts you on the bum

and gives the doctors work

archy

professor slosson

says that the cockroach

is one of the eldest of the

creatures that inhabit

the globe

two hundred and fifty

millions of years

ago the cockroach

existed just as he exists

today of course it is

very flattering

to have this scientific

testimony to my ancient

lineage i can trace my

ancestry back without

a break to old adam cockroach

himself but the real question is

how much has the cockroach

learned in two hundred and

fifty million of years

well i can tell you

in a few brief words

the cockroach has learned

how to make man

the so called lord

of creation work for him

the cockroach lives

in peace and plenty

while the human race

hustles to support him

all the social institutions

of all time have existed

merely for the purpose

of forming a pyramid

on the apex of which

perches the cockroach triumphant

it has taken us a long

time but we point

with pride to the achievement

if you don t believe me

read professor slosson s

article

archy

i called on some friends in a

studio building the other evening and

while we were foraging about

for something to eat

we got caught on a

palette smeared over with all

the colors there are

leaping from this danger seven

or eight of us

landed upon an untouched canvas

that stood upon an easel

nearby waiting for the masters hand

and we walked across the

canvas on our way out of that

place it seems that we builded

better than we knew before

we could get to any safer place

than a spot behind a

gas radiator we heard human footsteps

approaching and an

instant later two men entered the

studio one of them switched on

the lights and the

other gave an exclamation of

pleasure and astonishment by jove

tommy he said to the owner of

the studio what is this new thing

of yours on the easel it is

the best thing you have done yet

i thought you were against

modernism and all

the new fangled stuff but i see

that you have come over to the new

school your style has

loosened up wonderfully old kid

i always said that if you

could only get away from the stiffness

and absurdity of the

conventional schools you had the

makings of a great painter in

you what do you call this

picture tommy

well said tommy with rare

presence of mind i have not

named it yet it is not altogether in

the newer mode you will observe i

have been struggling for a

compromise between the two methods

that would at the same time

allow me to express my

individuality on canvas i do

think myself that i have got more

freshness and directness into this

thing you have said his friend

it has the direct and naive approach

of the primitives and it

also has all that is

worthy to be retained of the

reticent sophistication of

the post pre raphaelites but what

do you say you are going to

call it it is said tommy as

you see a nocturne i have

been thinking of calling it

impressions of brooklyn

bridge in a fog and when his

friend went out he stood and looked at

the picture for a long time and

said now i wonder who in

hell slipped in here and did that it

is nothing short of genius could

i have done it myself when i

was drunk i must have done so

anyhow i will sign it and

taking up a brush he did so well i

stole a look at the canvas

myself and it looked like nothing

on earth to me but a canvas over

which a lot of cockroaches had

walked i may be a

critic but still i know what i

dont like yours for another

renaissance of the arts every

spring and every autumn

archy