The Bow Wow Club (15 page)

– Chapter Fifty-Two –

Bubbly blonde Ellie came bounding through the doors of the church hall and kissed Simon right on the mouth.

‘Wow, that’s quite a greeting,’ he beamed. ‘Maybe we should have a two-week Easter break more often.’

‘I can’t tell you why I am so excited but I have an announcement to make when everyone gets here.’

‘Ooh, sounds exciting. Is Nick not with you?’

‘No, he’s working nights this week.’

‘Fuck, tits, bollocks.’ Jimmy’s red Mohican preceded him.

Simon was pleased to notice that he was still cleanshaven and was wearing a lovely new suit. He even appeared to have lost a fair bit of weight since they had last met up.

Cali shimmied in, wearing one of her brightly coloured kaftans. Her voluptuous breasts were on full show.

‘Tits!’

Cali put her hand in the air for effect. ‘Jimmy Chislehurst, that is enough. Just one tits today is plenty, thank you very much.’

‘But you have two and might I say they are looking very fine this evening.’

Cali had to laugh. She wasn’t sure who was ruder, Simon or Jimmy.

‘Where’s Fanny the wonder dog today then?’ Simon asked, making his way to the back kitchen to retrieve his vodka mug.

‘She’s at the doggy parlour. I am collecting her later.’

‘Good. It may stop me bloody sneezing if she’s clean, at least.’

‘I don’t know why I bother coming here really,’ Cali said, offended, and put her hand in the biscuit tin to dig out two custard creams. ‘Biscuit, Jimmy?’ She offered him the tin.

‘No thanks, I am on a diet.’

Cali looked him up and down. ‘Actually, you look great, Jimmy. You must have lost at least a stone. What’s the secret?’

‘You’re the secret.’ He winked and Cali felt annoyed that he had actually made her blush. She blamed it on the fact that since Christmas her ‘Weeping Widower’ was still not happy to have sex with her. She had always been rampant in that department and since starting to go through the menopause, was gagging for it even more than usual.

‘Where’s young Ruby?’ Jimmy enquired, rubbing his eyes. It was taking him a while to get used to his new contact lenses. ‘I have something to show her.’

‘It’s quite a night for revelations, isn’t it?’ Simon looked to Ellie and smirked. ‘She’s just getting us some late Easter treats. Won’t be long.’

As he spoke, Ruby arrived and Jimmy rushed to relieve her of her goody-laden bags.

‘Wine, beer, cakes, chocolate. Party-time, everybody!’ Ruby announced to the group.

‘So are we not having serious discussion this evening then?’ Cali asked, secretly pleased.

‘No,’ Ellie piped up. ‘Get those drinks poured. We have something to celebrate. Danny has only gone and proposed!’

A plethora of congratulations flew around the room. Ellie was beaming.

‘And I would like to raise a toast to Simon, because without him and the rest of The Bow Wow Club, I never would have got this far. It’s been bloody hard dating a widower, but I’ve managed to keep the faith, keep the patience, and now I know that I am moving forward with a long-lasting love. I am SO happy.’

‘Aw, that is brilliant and I am so pleased for you.’ Ruby kissed her on the cheek.

‘Actually, Ruby, I wanted to ask you a massive favour.’

‘Go on.’

‘I will pay your train fare, of course, but I was wondering if you might pop along to a wedding I’m going to next week? It’s a good mate of mine. She’s shown me a fabric sample of the bridesmaids’ dresses and a simple design and I adore them. I wouldn’t mind you taking a look as it’s the sort of style I’d love for mine. And I guess it’s always better to see these things in the flesh, rather than in a photograph?’

‘Are you sure she won’t mind you copying her?’ Ruby checked.

‘I won’t be getting married for at least eighteen months so it’s fine, and it’s just the initial ideas really. And, of course I would love you to make them for me once I settle on a design.’

‘Aw, thanks Ellie, that’s really sweet of you. Whereabouts is the wedding?’

‘The Guild Hall in Windsor. Do you know it?’

‘Ooh nice. And don’t be silly about the train fare, it’s only half an hour from Putney and I’ve always wanted to see the Queen Mary’s Dolls House at the castle anyway. There are also two remarkable French dolls there. The dolls’ clothes and accessories were designed and made by the leading Parisian fashion houses, including Worth, Lanvin, Cartier, Hermès and Vuitton. So it will be a lovely adventure for me.’

‘ATICHOO!’ Cali whacked Simon’s bottom as he let out a magnificent sneeze.

‘See? I told you it wasn’t my smelly little Fanny.’

‘Little, you say?’ the vicar quipped.

***

In less than an hour the party was in full swing. Cali was dancing as if she had been tasered, while Ellie was getting down to some sexy shimmying with Simon. With Britney Spears booming from the stereo, Jimmy suddenly ran up to the front of the hall and leaped on to Simon’s desk.

Everyone stared in disbelief as he pulled hard at his head to remove a plastic Mohawk wig!

Hysterics ensued. Cali was speechless, because under all that fake hair and swearing was in fact a very handsome man. His hair
had
been cut into a smart short haircut, which suited his new slimline look perfectly.

She limboed towards him, wobbling her big boobs, singing as she went, ‘Hit me baby, one more time!’

‘You only had to ask.’ Jimmy jumped down and grabbed Cali’s substantial rear end.

‘How’s Fi?’ Simon asked Ruby, when the last regular and newbie had left the party.

‘She’s all right, thanks.’

‘Good, good. I really like her, you know. And, that doesn’t often happen to me.’

‘I know. But I’m sorry to say to you that she’s staying with James by the look of it.’ Ruby wanted to get off the subject, as all she could see in front of her was the cause of Fi’s sweet little bump.

‘Well, as long as she’s happy.’ Simon drained his glass of wine. ‘And how about you, young lady? Are you happy? You’ve seemed a bit low recently.’

‘I’m OK. Just having trouble understanding men, that’s all. Michael was all over me two months ago and then nothing. I’ve tried to call but he doesn’t pick up and never replies to my texts. I don’t understand what I’ve done.’

‘That’s not good.’

‘I’ve been sleeping with this other guy who looks just like my late husband, but he’s so far from him in personality that I know that I’m fooling myself.’

‘So, what are you going to do?’

‘Just leave it for a bit, I think. It’s good to have company and sex on tap sometimes.’

‘But that can be so shallow and worthless too. You have a big heart, Ruby. Fill it back up with some proper love. You deserve every little flutter to be real. Why don’t you go to Michael’s house? Ask him what’s wrong face-to-face. At least you’ll know how you feel then and his eyes will be able to tell you so much more.’

‘Maybe I will. I do miss him - and thanks, Simon. I’m so glad I met you.’

‘Likewise, you old tart. Now let’s get out of here.’

They walked out into the graveyard and heard a terrible squealing noise. Ruby grabbed Simon’s arm.

‘Foxes rutting probably.’ Simon shone his torch around and then, trying not to laugh too loudly, clicked it off.

For there, bold as brass, kneeling next to where poor old Melody Pratt had been taken by a wasp, was the buxom Cali being taken from behind by the freshly refurbished Jimmy Chislehurst.

– Chapter Fifty-Three –

It was a bright sunny Saturday when the train pulled into the ornate old station in Windsor. Ruby had at least an hour to kill before the wedding party was due to emerge, so took it upon herself to look around the many local shops on offer. Ellie said she would text her when the wedding party were due to emerge from the Guild Hall, as she thought that would give Ruby the best effect of seeing all the outfits together.

Ruby headed towards the river and wandered along the path, not quite believing how many swans there were. She had read somewhere that swans mated for life and wished that it could be that easy for humans too.

Taking a seat on one of the many benches lining the river, she pulled her scarf up to her chin and did something she hadn’t done in a long time – she gloried in her solitude. She no longer felt lonely without George. She obviously still missed him, but time was beginning to heal and a new life had begun emerging for her.

When he had first died, every waking thought was of him for months and months. And now, this was no longer the case. She couldn’t even think when that had happened or why it had happened. It was the same as when you broke up with someone. First of all you thought you would never ever get over it, would check your texts, your phone messages relentlessly. Cry at sad songs, relive every moment of the love affair. And then suddenly that was over too. You picked yourself up, dusted yourself down and went in hunt of another love.

George’s death had made Ruby understand that life is transient and happiness infrequent. That when a good spell is happening, you need to grab it by the balls and relish every single golden moment.

Now, when she heard people planning their lives and talking of retirement, it made her smile. Yes, of course, most people did plan, but not one person could be certain of their future. It was quite ironic that George had always said to her that life was a rollercoaster and if you were on it until the end, then you should count yourself as lucky. They had made a vow to live every second of their life as if it was their last. This had led to such a wonderful and exciting marriage.

The beep of a text message awakened Ruby from her thoughts: Ellie’s ten-minute warning to her. She walked up the hill, passing the castle on her left, and headed towards the Guild Hall. A small spattering of Japanese tourists, alerted by the awaiting wedding cars, were craning their necks to try and get the first sight of the bride and groom.

Ruby had brought her camera along and poised it ready as the door opened to cheers and confetti throwing. She smiled at the thought of her and George’s wedding, which had taken place in her hometown of Reading, following by the most perfect honeymoon at
Daffodils
, her inherited cottage in the Lake District.

Flash!
She snapped as the happy couple appeared. Then
crash, bang, wallop
- the sound of her heart sinking as she identified the handsome groom, resplendent in light grey tails and top hat, as none other than Harry Bowman-Green!

– Chapter Fifty-Four –

Simon was just locking up the church hall, when he noticed Fi walking up the path.

‘Hello, stranger.’ He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve come for me to forgive your sins. We have a service in six hours so you’d better get a move on.’

He knew something was wrong when the usually effusive Fi didn’t comment.

‘Have you got a second to talk, Simon?’ was all she said.

‘I have as many seconds as it takes. Come with me.’ He led her to the vicarage, located opposite the church. Once sitting comfortably in his kitchen, with a ginger tea she had brought along herself, Fi began to talk.

‘I won’t beat around the bush, Simon. I’m pregnant.’

The vicar could tell congratulations weren’t in order. ‘And is that the problem?’

Fi had to stop and think about this simple question.

‘Actually, no.’ She looked to the ceiling. ‘No, it’s not.’

‘Well, that’s a good start, as it’s one less decision you have to make at least.’

Fi was in awe of this man’s direct compassion and understanding.

‘Do you know who the father is?’

She nodded slowly.

‘You don’t have to tell me, Fi.’

‘It’s you, Simon. You are the father.’

‘Whoa, OK.’ He put his hand to his head. ‘Shit, Fi.’

‘I’m in it to be sure, Rev.’

‘Oh, God!’ Simon got up and started pacing around.

‘You can’t say that, you’re a vicar.’

‘A vicar with a scandal afoot in the parish. Right, so it’s happened. There’s no point screaming and shouting, we just need to deal with it now. And, poor you too, how are you feeling?’

‘Not good, to be honest. Sick as a dog every day.’

‘Bless you.’ He kissed her on the top of her head.

‘But this is such a longed-for baby, Simon. And if it wasn’t for deceiving James, I would be elated.’

Simon sat back down. ‘OK. Let’s talk this through. It can be as easy or as difficult as we want to make it. There is a solution to everything except death. Him upstairs will guide us and love will win whatever happens, Fi.’

‘Unless James kills me first.’

‘By the sound of it, he adores you. I can feel a lot of love in this room. Me for you, and you for that baby for one. It’s going to be fine.’

If relief were red smoke Fi would resemble a Red Arrow in performance flight at this moment.

‘Have you told James you are pregnant?’

‘No, because he’s just announced that he is infertile and wants us to have a surrogate child via IVF.’

‘Jesus. It’s like Jeremy bloody Kyle.’

‘I know, tell me about it. But I guess why I’m here, Simon, is to get your blessing.’ Fi took a noisy slurp of tea.

‘I love James,’ she went on. ‘I always have. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Initially, I was thinking I was just standing by him because I so desperately wanted a child, but now it’s come to the crunch and he has given me the option to walk away from him, I don’t want to. He is a good man, Simon.’

‘There will be a lot of lying involved, Fi. You’ll have to say you’re going to the fertility clinic alone.’

‘I know - and I realise that dishonesty must go against your grain.’

Simon laughed. ‘The vicar of the parish has just got you pregnant by sleeping with you out of wedlock when you are co-habiting with another man. Who am I to ever judge?’

‘And that is why you are such an amazing man, Simon. People flock to you because you are real. You say it how it bloody is. Sugar-coating is for wimps, I say.’

‘Just one tiny problem though, Fi. This baby is not going to be fair-skinned like its beautiful mum.’

‘So, I didn’t have my contacts in when I looked at prospective fathers’ details at the clinic. And your mum is white - right?’ Simon nodded. ‘And with my translucent Irish skin, you never know,’ Fi went on. ‘We can deal with that when it happens. James will be happy if I’m happy, and to know that I am bringing a human being who is half of you into this world delights me.’

Tears pricked Simon’s eyes. He cleared his throat.

‘If you need any money, please let me know.’

It was Fi’s turn to get emotional. ‘You’re fine. James is a solicitor, so money will never be the issue. I just want to make sure you understand why I am doing this. You can see me and the baby whenever you want to, but nobody will ever know, just me, you and Ruby - and I trust that girl with my life. You won’t get a say in his/her upbringing and I know that is a tough ask and I’m sorry for this.’

‘Look, Fi. This child will have the love of two strong parents, I know that. And that is half the battle won. I have no doubt you will be an amazing mum.’ He squeezed her hand.

‘In truth, I need to get married and be respectable and have a family of my own, but I haven’t been totally honest with you either. I do like men and women, but fundamentally I know I
am
gay. I have only ever slept with one woman before you, and that was when I was at school, but there is just something crazy about you that makes me fancy you. You’re a great girl, Fi.’

‘That makes me feel better somehow.’

‘What, that I am gay?’

‘Yeah, it sort of makes my decision even clearer, since I know that a “proper”,’ Fi made speechmarks in the air with her fingers ‘relationship wouldn’t ever be on the cards with me and you.’

‘Good. And I will come out when I am ready, but at the moment it’s just not the right time for me. I have only been in this parish a year and it’s not easy when the Good Book doesn’t think we should be allowed to love another man. There are too many bigots in this world, but I chose to follow God. I know that I am here for a purpose and none of us are perfect, eh?’

‘Well, apart from me, of course.’ Fi laughed. ‘Let’s stay in each other’s lives for sure. There’s nothing wrong with you being an amazing godfather, now is there?’

Simon stood up, his huge frame making Fi look like a fragile bird, and hugged her tightly. ‘Love has many aspects, Fi, and it doesn’t have to be the all-consuming, passionate kind. That is probably last on the list to make things work, to be honest. I’ve only met you once before, but I know that I love you. You’re a special girl, Fiona Donahue.’

‘And do you know what, Simon Dye? You big, religious, gay, blaspheming bastard, I love you too.’