The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy) (8 page)

 
Brea and Axel both helped carry me up the stairs to my apartment. They had to talk my legs into moving because I couldn’t manage that on my own, they didn’t feel like a pair of limbs used to carry a human being, instead they felt like hot cheesy mashed potatoes.

Chapter Six

  We made it to my room where I heard Brea ask Axel if he could please sit with me for about half an hour while she baked some cookies. Axel didn’t question her strange request; we had all known each other since grade school which made him privy to all of the oddities of our group, including Brea’s bizarre idea of magical cookies and the fact that I might be slightly insane. 

 
Axel crouched in front of me taking both of my hands into his then placing them into my lap.

“You need anything sweet pea? A drink of water maybe?” 

  Axel was a nice guy though I never understood his ridiculous nick name. All through high school Axel was known as the jokester, he made fun of everybody but it was always in good fun and never to the point of being mean. To see him so caring and attentive, even in the state I was in brought comforting warmth to my heart.

 
Axel bent down and removed the boots from my feet. “There now, is that better?” he asked staring up at me proudly.

 
Without a single thought going through my head I moved my face to Axels and kissed him. He immediately pushed me away and jumped up. He looked at me as if he had just stepped in horse shit.

“Whoa, sweet pea. I don’t think so!”

  But I knew that he wanted me, he always had. I never told anyone but this wasn’t the first time I had felt Axel’s lips on mine. During the summer of my freshman year when Brandon had gone off to Europe with his mom Axel and I went to see a movie. We were just friends and it was strictly plutonic but by the time the movie was over Axel had not only kissed me but put his hands up my shirt. It taken him all of two seconds and even though, for reasons I could never comprehend, I allowed it. We both agreed it was a mistake and decided to never speak of the incident again, not to anyone.

 
I forced myself onto my feet finding myself face to face with a much panicked Axel. I have no idea what was happening but I needed something to take my mind off the nothingness sweeping over me. I was so numb I could barely see straight and kissing him had briefly brought heat back into my flesh, I had to feel more.

“Don’t say no Ax, I know you don’t want to say no, please, please kiss me?” I begged.

  I leaned in capturing his lips again, this time he reciprocated. Deepening the kiss I moved my hands down to his crotch. When he didn’t fight me I unbuttoned his jeans and moved my hands inside, taking hold of his hardening cock. It wasn’t as perfect as Ford’s or as long as Brandon’s but it was thicker than both, much thicker. My clit began to throb and I knew that I needed this to ease the ache that was taking over my body. I pulled away from him for a brief moment to lock my bedroom door.

 
When I returned to him his arms shot up once again. “I don’t know about this sweet pea. You’re not right; I just don’t feel too good about this.”

 
But I could not allow him to stop this from happening, instead I took charge. I knew he was just like every other man and could never say no when all of the cards were laid out in front of him. I knew what kind of cards I had to play and I was going to use every last one of them.

 
I pulled my shirt over my head taking my bra off with it and walked my breast straight into the palms face up in front of me.

“Jesus H Christ!” he sighed in defeat as he squeezed my full hardened breasts in his big hands. I moved closer to him taking his mouth into mine again and whispered in his ear.

“Please, Axel. I feel so numb, I want to feel
you
. I want you to touch every single last inch of me and then I want you to fuck me...hard. It can be just like it was in high school, nobody needs to know.”

 
He pulled away from my words and I allowed him to see the desperation in my eyes. At this moment I did not care about anyone. Not Brandon, not Brea, not Ford, not even Axel. All I wanted was to have my needs taken care of; I wanted to feel something besides numbness and heartache. 

 
Axel, giving into my demands pulled the shirt off of his back and stripped down while I took off the rest of my clothes.

“Not in the bed
...” I said. I didn’t feel right about having him in my bed. Beds were for lovers, this was nothing but sex. Not even sex… this was fucking. 

“
..right here in the floor”

 
Axel nodded and laid me down on top of the shaggy green carpet at the foot of my bed.

“You sure about this, sweet pea?” I reached down and squeezed his erect cock giving him all the answer he needed. He kissed me a few more times before moving his mouth to my breasts.

“Bite them,” I ordered. Not quite knowing why I wanted him to put his teeth on me but as instructed he bit down. I cried out and he bit my nipples again this time causing the fire between my legs to burn even hotter.

“Taste me Axel!” I continued to beg as his mouth traced its way between my legs. Opening my folds with his fingers I felt his thick tongue lick its way over my swollen nub.

“Good Jesus, you are seriously making me hard, sweet pea!”

I shushed him “Bite it!” I screamed.

  His tongue swirled around my clit a few more times before taking the swollen nub between his teeth gently biting down and licking the pain away. I softly screamed for him to do it again. The moment he bit down my body began to pulsate and with the pain I found the release I so desperately needed.

 
Moving a finger inside of me he made his way back to my lips rubbing my wetness onto my mouth. Uninterested in foreplay I flipped him over and climbed on top of him sliding my wet walls onto the thickest cock I had ever seen in my life. He mumbled something that I could not make out, not that I cared what it was. I needed this and only this; I needed to feel the hurt that came from slamming myself onto him over and over again. I rode him as hard as I could, taking pleasure from his grunts and cries of pleasure.

“Sweet pea I’m gunna come, you have to stop!” He begged.

  But there was no stopping me, I was too close to finding my own release to care about his. Before I knew it I was being thrown onto my back and he had taken over, pounding me hard, once, twice and just as the explosion inside of me released itself he pulled out, emptying himself onto my stomach. Seeing his salty liquid spread all over my body brought me back to reality, I cried out and immediately jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

 
What had I done? I had not only just thrown myself at my ex-boyfriends best friend, a pledge in my brother’s best friend’s fraternity but despite the fact he tried his damned to avoid it, I fucked him with no protection and almost let him unload himself inside of me. Was I really this fucking selfish, this stupid, this fucked up or all of the above?

 
I turned on the shower right before the shouting match began on the other side of the door, as quickly as it started it all ended with the sound of a sickening hard slap. Just as I began to step into the steaming hot water Brea banged on the door.

“JEMMA, OPEN UP! Goddamn it Jem, open the fucking door!”

  But I refused to bow down to her orders, not when all that I wanted to do was burn everything about the experience I just had with Axel from my body.

“Go the fuck away!” I yelled back.

“Just tell me you are OK, and I will leave you alone. Please Jemma?” I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.

 
I knew Brea loved me, I loved her as well but something was happening to me that I could not for the life of me explain. I told her that I was fine, that I just needed to shower. And then I stepped inside. Pulling the curtain closed behind me I began to scrub my entire body for dear life as if it was covered in disease.

 
I had hoped to just climb into bed and waste the rest of the day withering away but I should have known better. Brea was sitting in my desk chair, having turned it to face the bathroom door so that she could see me the moment I stepped out. She looked at me as if contemplating something and then staring me dead in the eye asked the question I was hoping she would never have to.

“How long have you been off your meds?”

Bi-Polar Disorder

Definition
-
a mental illness in which a person experiences periods of strong excitement and happiness followed by periods of sadness and depressio
n—
called als
o
manic-depressive illness.

 
I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder the summer that I turned thirteen. My aunt had taken me to doctor after doctor all of which continued to diagnose me with PTSD, otherwise known as post traumatic stress disorder, given my history of unfortunate violent trauma. My emotions were a regular roller coaster ride. There were moments I was fine, sometimes more than fine. And other moments where I couldn’t tell whether I was coming or going.

 
My aunt started to realize it had to be something else when I began to fly off the handle. The smallest things would make me angry, sometimes I could not control myself at all. And during fits of rage, I would throw things, hit the wall, kick things over and sometimes even hurt myself. Once I had calmed down it felt like the world had shifted on it’s axis and remorse set in. I would often stay locked in my room for days listening to Joni Mitchell albums and doodling. Brea would come by to visit, I would let her in but we would end up just sitting on my bed staring up at the ceiling.

 
When I started eighth grade and Tilly started allowing me to go out on dates, as long as she drove me, I found more effective ways of dealing with the numbness that often led to my uncontrollable emotions. I had never gone all the way with anyone, not until that evening with Brandon our senior year but I had done pretty much everything else.

 
I would allow most of my date’s hands go just about anywhere they wanted to go as long as it ignited the pain and throbbing that made me feel alive.  I was not selfish about it; I always gave back whatever I received. The fact that I would eventually regret every second of the time I spent letting uncaring boys violate my body had no effect on the choices that I made. Soon I found that I had gained a reputation so I moved on to boys outside of middle school seeking the comfort of older guys in highschool. Preferably those getting ready to leave for college.

  During this time Brea and I started arguing nonstop which was nothing at all like us. It hurt her to see the road I was choosing and I could not get her to understand that the choices being made were not something I would choose for myself had I any ability to think straight. I tried to explain to her how suffocating the numbness was, but her life had always been perfect and she simply lacked all understanding. When my reputation resulted in her gaining the same reputation by association she stopped wanting to be seen with me in school. Later, when she gained her own reputation without any help from me she would laugh at the irony. Missing Brea was the only reason I decided to open up to my therapist and allow her to help me.

 
A week after my confession I was referred to a psychiatrist and eventually diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder or manic depression as it is sometimes called. Apparently some people with the disorder turn to violence, other to shopping, some to drinking and others like me, to sex. I truly did feel as if I
needed
the closeness that certain sexual acts afforded me. The feeling of being wanted and the variety of excitement temporarily fueled my lack of feeling breathing life back into me.

 
I was also informed that Bi-Polar disorder is often an inherited condition and sometimes linked to schizophrenia. It was after being diagnosed that my aunt shared with me our family’s long torrid experience with mental illness. She confided that the mental health of immediate family was one of the main reasons she refused to get romantically involved with a man, or woman, in all of her 48 years. She said that she refused to burden anyone should she develop any abnormal psychological issues. No she was not a 48 year old virgin; she simply chose to go the route of having relationships with men who had a mutual desire to satisfy her physical needs without strings. I never questioned her, she seemed happy and that was all that mattered.

“How did you know?” I asked Brea who had not moved an inch in the five minutes I stood in the bathroom doorway trying to figure out how she deciphered that I was no longer taking the lithium; I’d only missed two weeks.

 
I had completely forgotten about the screams coming from my bedroom as I stepped into the shower. The shouting most likely meant that Brea caught Axel with his pants down. Sometimes I forgot that she was skilled at picking locks. A talent she felt the need to become skilled in the first time I locked myself in my room and refused to open to the door to anyone and everyone, including her.

“How did I know?” She asked in a manner that suggested I was a complete moron. “Don’t tell me you have already gone that far into the deep, because I watched you take it a few weeks ago.”

  I took a step forward but failed to manage another before I sat down right where I stood pulling my knees up, resting my chin atop them and throwing my hands over my head. I felt the floor bounce as Brea marched over to me and bent down resting her head on top of my forearm.

“Oh babe, please do not put yourself through this again. Axel told me you threw yourself at him. Locked him in the room and practically raped him.”

  I jerked my head up almost head-butting her in the chin at the accusation of raping Axel, who had barely put up a fight.

“Chill out,” she said practically. “I am not so stupid as to think he ever actually fought you off his pecker. But I know you and I know that seeing Ford there with that woman sent you over the edge. I also know how you choose to self medicate when the pain comes. You know Brandon is going to kick his teeth in right?”

  My eyes widened at the thought of Brandon finding out that I had seduced his best friend. In all of the years I was with him I never once needed anyone else. When I was hurting he always soothed the ache, most of the time without ever touching me because just being around him made me feel alive. Of course I was also seeing a shrink and heavily medicated, rarely missing a dose the entire four years we were together.

 
Brea jumped up from the floor like her pants had caught on fire.

“Fucking Axel! He of all people should know better! I tell you what, that son of a bitch’s face is going to be black and blue for the next month because I kicked his fucking ass and to tell you the Goddamn truth I should kick yours too!”

  I lowered my head wiping the tears from my eyes.

“I’m so sorry Brea. I stopped taking them a week and a half ago. I just wanted to be able to start off college with all of my fucking head in one place. You know what the meds do to me. It takes everything I have in me just to have to even remotely feel normal on that shit. I felt ready
to be without them, ready to finally feel normal on my own. I just never anticipated anything like Julian coming back into the picture. I fucked up, I know I did!” I buried my face back to my knees and started uncontrollably sobbing. I whispered into my knees behind the tears, “Please, Brandon cannot know what I have done. It will break his heart, Brea.” I could not stop the tears from falling.

“Sorry babe, too late. I called him while you were in the shower. I had no clue what to do.
You scared the flying fuck out of me!”

 
The news revealing that Brandon knew everything caused the sobbing to turn into all-out hysterical wailing. How could she go to him without asking me? I don’t give a damn how helpless she felt.

“Come on babe.” I felt Brea’s arm loop under my right side as she helped me to my feet.

 
I woke up what felt like only a few minutes later in my bed, dressed in a nightgown with a massive headache. There were voices coming from the other side of the bedroom door but they were practically whispering, other than Brea I was not exactly sure who the other voice was coming from until the door to my room opened and Brandon appeared in the doorway. He stood there for a few minutes looking like total shit, just staring at me.

 
If I did not know better I would say he had been crying. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and his cheeks were red. Moving his hands to his lips Brandon let out a sigh. I could tell he was at war with himself over how to deal with me but in the end his love for the girl I could have been won him over. He walked over to the side of the bed, shrugged off his shoes and climbed in under the covers next to me.

“Roll over baby.” Brandon whispered into my ear lightly nudging my body to the side, facing the opposite direction of him. I did as he asked, selfishly needing to be rescued by the man whose heart I had broken far too many times. He put his arms around my waist and kissed the top of my head resting his on the spot where he kissed.

“I love you so much Jemma, please don’t fall apart on me. You promised not to leave me.” I cried into his arms.

 
I was so far from deserving anybody as good as Brandon that it was ridiculous. He was too perfect for even the most perfect person, and I was far from being perfect. Yet here he was, holding me, taking in my pain and making it his own.

 
Wait.....he is here, WHY is he here? HOW is he here?
He isn’t here
I silently told myself,
you are finally going completely and totally insane
. I snuggled deeper into the arms of my delusion and drifted off to sleep. Unfortunately I woke up hours later face to face with the same delusion.

 
How could I forgotten how breathtaking he was? It had only been a few months since we were last together but I swear he had grown even further away from the boy I had fallen head over heels for so long ago. His jaw line had become more defined, his eyes were slightly larger, his hair silkier and his hands, one of which was resting on my cheek even though he was sound asleep, were even more beautiful than I had remembered. He was so astonishingly gorgeous and unreal that I had little doubt as to whether or not he was here, so I leaned in and placed a soft kiss upon his lips. Still lost in sleep his lips began to move with mine, possessing every inch they were willing to give to him. When his eyes opened up and locked with mine he pulled away sending my heart into a panic. Why was my delusion not playing along?

“No baby, we can’t, I won’t.”

  A tear fell from his face as if rejecting me was tearing him apart and then I realized the man lying next to me was even more real than last I saw him.

“You’re really here?” I asked placing my hand below his eye wiping the stray tear away.

“As real as you are baby. Please don’t kiss me again, I couldn’t handle it.”

 
His expression was pained and serious. How is it even remotely possible for someone as amazing as Brandon not be a figment of my imagination?

“What are you doing here, Brandon?” I asked.

“Brea called. She told me you stopped taking the lithium. I have a few days before classes start and since I had the time I thought I would come see you. Though, I would have come regardless.”

 
I was such a horrible person. Had only I continued on my meds everything would not be such a mess right now and Brandon would never have picked up and ran to his falling apart ex girlfriend. This is exactly what happened to my father. He thought he could deal so he stopped taking his medication and bam, he lost it.

“I wish you hadn’t come, but I am glad you are here. I missed you.” He smiled at me and moved a stray hair back behind my ear. “What did she tell you? Brea, what did she tell you?”

  He pulled a deep breath into his chest and slowly exhaled. “Are you asking me if she told me about that Julian Ford guy or if she told me you let my best friend climb inside of you without even a moments thought?”

 
I closed my eyes and cringed as a shiver made its way up my spine. He had taken my breath away and I had no idea how to respond, I was sure he hated me. How could he not when even I hated me?

“I don’t hate you if that’s what you are thinking. I could never hate you Jem. Sand, remember? Yet I just keep coming back for more.” He joked placing his hand over his heart.

  I laughed at his morbid sense of humor jabbing him in the arm. “JERK!” I laughed.

“Ow! You have to be careful with me baby, I’m sensitive, as delicate as a yellow rose.”
He paused softly smiling, “What time do you normally take your pill?” he asked.

 
I knew it was too good to be true. Even after he assured me he was real I still tried to convince myself he was a delusion for fear reality would come back and clobber me in the face just like Brea had done to Axel.

 
I leaned over Brandon’s shoulder to get a glance of the clock on the night stand behind him. “Usually around seven, or shall I say about twenty minutes ago.” I said lying my head back down on my pillow.

“Well, what do yah say we mosey on out of this room? You take your pill and I will scrounge up some breakfast. Brea said she baked cookies and that I was to get them into you STAT.”

  Regardless of the fact that all I wanted to do was lay in my bed with Brandon for the rest of my life, never having to face the reality that my shell had cracked, I got up with him. I took my pill like a good little girl and ate a stack of chocolate chip cookies soothing the ache in my heart that had returned when reality set in.