The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (5 page)

POSITIVE PFC RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

You’re important to me. Let’s do something tonight.

I love you. I’m glad we’re together.

I love to listen to you.

I’ll be on time for our date.

Let’s get these chores done so that we’ll have more time together.

I don’t want to fight. Let’s take a break and come back in ten minutes and work this out.

I made that mistake before. I’m not making it again.

I planned a wonderful evening for us.

How do you like me to touch you? I want to please you.

NEGATIVE PFC RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

I’m just a half hour late. Why are you so uptight about it?

If you want the checkbook balanced, do it yourself.

I’ll do it later.

I find it hard to listen to you.

Go ahead and talk to me. I can listen to you while I’m watching TV and reading this book.

I can’t express myself.

My mind goes blank when I try to express my feelings.

I didn’t mean to have the affair (or, overspend, embarrass you at the party, say the hurtful comments, etc.).

I just can’t sit still.

The noise bothers me.

I get so distracted (while listening, during sex, when playing a game, etc.).

I need the answer now.

I want it now.

I’m so mad at myself. I’ve made that mistake too many times.

STATEMENTS FROM PARTNERS OF PEOPLE WITH PFC PROBLEMS

He’s impulsive. She blurts out and interrupts. He doesn’t pay attention to me. She won’t let me finish a comment. She says she has to say a thought that comes into her head or she’ll forget it.

He has to have the fan on at night to sleep. It drives me crazy.

She often seems to start a problem for no particular reason.

He loves to challenge everything I say.

She gets so distracted during sex.

He teases the animals and it makes me furious. She can’t sit still.

He puts things off and tends not to finish things.

She’s always late, rushing around at the last minute.

P
REFRONTAL
C
ORTEX
(PFC) S
UMMARY
(the boss in your head, supervising your life)

D
IAGNOSTIC
P
ROBLEMS
A
SSOCIATED WITH
L
OW
PFC A
CTIVITY

D
IAGNOSTIC
P
ROBLEMS
A
SSOCIATED WITH
E
XCESSIVE
PFC A
CTIVITY

Overfocused, rigid, and inflexible
Also, see problems of the anterior cingulate gyrus (page 34)

W
AYS TO
B
ALANCE
L
OW
PFC

Stimulating supplements
, to boost dopamine to the brain, such as L-tyrosine or SAMe

Stimulating medications
(if appropriate), such as Adderall, Dexedrine, Ritalin, Wellbutrin, Stratterra, or Provigil

WAYS TO BALANCE HIGH PFC

See prescriptions of the anterior cingulate gyrus (page 35)

Anterior Cingulate Gyrus (ACG)—My Way
or the Highway

The ACG helps you feel settled, relaxed, and flexible. It runs lengthwise through the deep parts of the frontal lobes and is the brain’s major switching station. I think of it as the brain’s gear
shifter, greasing human behavior, and allowing us to be flexible, adaptable, and to change as change is needed. This part of the brain is involved in helping shift attention from thing to thing, moving from idea to idea, and seeing the options in life. The term that best relates to the ACG is
cognitive flexibility
. Cooperation is also influenced by this part of the brain. When the ACG works in an effective manner, it is easy to shift into cooperative modes of behavior.

When there is too much activity in the ACG, usually due to lower serotonin levels, people become unable to shift their attention and become rigid, cognitively inflexible, overfocused, anxious, and oppositional. When it works too hard, people have difficulty shifting attention and get stuck in ineffective behavior patterns, where they may be uncooperative or difficult, trapped in their own mindset. When the ACG works too hard, people plan too much, worry too much about the future, and become too serious or obsessed. Difficulties in the ACG can cause a person to constantly expect negative events and feel very unsafe in the world. When the ACG is overactive, people have a tendency to get stuck or locked into negative thoughts or behaviors. They may become obsessive worriers or hold onto hurts or grudges from the past. They may also get stuck on negative behaviors, or develop compulsions such as hand-washing or excessively checking locks. One patient who had ACG problems described the phenomenon to me saying it was “like being on a rat’s exercise wheel, where the thoughts just go over and over and over.” Another patient told me, “It’s like having a Reset button in your head that is always on. Even though I don’t want to have the thought anymore, it just keeps coming back.”

The clinical problems associated with excessive ACG activity include obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and addictive disorders. All of these disorders are associated with problems shifting attention. Worrying, holding onto hurts from the past, cognitive inflexibility, automatically saying no, and being rigid, are symptoms of too much activity in the ACG.
Increasing serotonin through supplements or medications is often helpful.

When the ACG is underactive, people have little motivation and get-up-and-go. They shift gears too easily and can be easily distracted and apathetic. Neurosurgeons at the University of California at Irvine School of Medicine described a set of symptoms associated with damage to this part of the brain, from a stroke, tumor, or brain injury. They called the syndrome akinetic mutism, where patients tend to have little physical movement (akinetic) and produce little speech (mutism). They also noted indifference and lower levels of anxiety and worry in patients.

ACG in Relationships

When the ACG functions properly, people are able to shift their attention easily. They tend to be flexible and adaptable. They are likely to see options in tough situations. They are usually able to forgive the mistakes of others and tend not to hold onto hurts from the past. They encourage others to help but do not rigidly control situations. They tend to have a positive outlook and see a hopeful future. Basically, they are able to roll with the ups and downs of relationships.

When the ACG is overactive, people have a tendency to get locked into thoughts, stuck on thoughts, and get the same thoughts in their head over and over. They tend to hold grudges, hold onto hurts from the past, and to be unforgiving of perceived wrongdoings. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unbending. They often want things done a certain way (their way) and they may get very upset when things do not go their way. They have difficulty dealing with a change. They tend to be argumentative and oppositional. When the ACG is underactive, people can act in apathetic, indifferent, or uncaring ways. Interestingly, one of the treatments for excessive activity in the ACG with disorders like obsessive-compulsive disorder is selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) medications such as Prozac or Lexapro. One of the side effects of
these medications is apathy and lack of motivation when it suppresses the ACG too much.

POSITIVE ACG RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

It’s okay.

I can roll with this situation.

How would you like to do this?

Let’s collaborate.

Let’s cooperate.

What would you like to do?

That was in the past.

NEGATIVE ACG RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

You hurt me years ago.

I won’t forgive you.

It’ll never be the same.

I’m always worried.

I get stuck on these bad thoughts.

Do it my way.

I can’t change.

It’s your fault.

I don’t agree with you.

No. No. No.

I won’t do it.

I don’t want to do it.

I have a lot of complaints about you.

I’ve never hated anyone more than you.

This will never change.

S
TATEMENTS FROM
P
ARTNERS OF
P
EOPLE WITH
ACG P
ROBLEMS

Nothing ever gets forgiven or let go.

She brings up issues from years and years ago.

Everything has to be the way he/she wants it.

He can’t say he’s sorry.

She holds onto grudges forever.

He never throws anything away.

She’s rigid.

If things aren’t perfect, he thinks they are no good at all.

I don’t help her because I have to do it exactly her way or she goes ballistic.

He argues with everything I say.

She tends to be oppositional.

He doesn’t like to try new things.

A
NTERIOR
C
INGULATE
G
YRUS
(ACG) S
UMMARY
(the brain’s gear shifter)