The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (7 page)

POSITIVE BG RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

I know things will work out.

I can speak out when I have a problem. I don’t let problems fester.

I usually feel physically relaxed. I’m usually calm in new situations.

N
EGATIVE
BG R
ELATIONAL
S
TATEMENTS

I know this isn’t going to work out.

I’m too tense.

I’m scared.

I’m too afraid to bring up problems. I tend to avoid them.

I can’t breathe. I feel really anxious in this situation.

I can’t make love—I have a headache (chest pain, backache, muscle aches, etc.).

You’re going to do something to hurt me (predict fear).

STATEMENTS FROM PARTNERS OF PEOPLE WITH BG PROBLEMS

She’s anxious.

He’s nervous.

She’s uptight.

He cares too much about what others think.

He predicts the worst possible outcomes to situations.

She complains for feeling bad a lot (headaches, stomachaches).

He won’t deal with conflict.

She won’t deal with problems head on.

BASAL GANGLIA (BG) SUMMARY
(the anxiety center)

D
IAGNOSTIC
P
ROBLEMS
A
SSOCIATED WITH
E
XCESSIVE
BG A
CTIVITY

D
IAGNOSTIC
P
ROBLEMS
A
SSOCIATED WITH
L
OW
BG A
CTIVITY

W
AYS TO
C
ALM
H
IGH
BG A
CTIVITY

High BG supplements
, such as GABA or valerian root

High BG
medications (if appropriate), antianxiety meds such as benzodiazepines (low dose, short time), Buspar, antidepressant meds, anticonvulsants, blood pressure meds such as propranolol

W
AYS TO
S
TIMULATE
L
OW
BG A
CTIVITY

Low BG supplements, to boost dopamine, such as L-tyrosine

Low BG medications (if appropriate), stimulants such as Adderall or Concerta

Temporal Lobes (TLs)—Memories and Moods

The temporal lobes, underneath your temples and behind your eyes, are involved with language (hearing and reading), reading social cues, short-term memory, getting memories into long-term storage, processing music, tone of voice, and mood stability. They also help with recognizing objects by sight and naming them. Called the “What Pathway” in the brain, it is involved with recognition and naming objects and faces. In addition, the temporal lobes, especially on the right side, have been implicated in spiritual experience and insight. Experiments that stimulate the right temporal lobe have demonstrated increased religious or spiritual experiences, such as feeling God’s presence. Orgasms have been found to activate this part of the brain as well.

The hippocampus, situated on the inside aspect of the temporal lobes, encodes new information and stores it for up to several weeks. When these areas are damaged, you can neither store new experiences nor retrieve experiences learned within the past several weeks. The hippocampus is one of the first areas damaged by Alzheimer’s disease.

In front of the hippocampus on the inside of the temporal lobe is an almond-shaped structure called the amygdala. The amygdala coordinates your emotional responses. Strong emotions can improve the encoding process of hippocampal neurons and make it easier to retrieve the experience. This is useful because it allows you to more easily remember events that were “emotionally stimulating,” such as being mugged, having good sex, or recalling a fascinating fact you recently heard. I remember a taxi ride in 2005 from Manhattan to JFK airport like it was yesterday. I even remember the cab number, 4118. The cab driver had on very irritating music, talked loudly on his cell phone, paid little attention to the road, and nearly got us into two accidents. My emotional response to this terrible ride to the airport got his cab number stuck in my head. By emphasizing the memory of certain experiences over others, the amygdala allows you to respond more appropriately and quickly in the future—being able to recognize a potential mugger or dangerous cab driver ahead of time may save your life. When the amygdala functions appropriately, we tend to react to the world in a logical, thoughtful way. When it is overactive, our responses may be exaggerated for the situation. When the amygdala is underactive, we fail to read situations accurately, and our response may not match what has happened. For example, if you laugh upon hearing from your wife that her best friend died, your amygdala may not be working properly.

Trouble in the temporal lobes leads to both short- and long-term memory problems, reading difficulties, trouble finding the right words in conversation, trouble reading social cues, mood instability, and sometimes religious or moral preoccupation or perhaps a lack of spiritual sensitivity. The temporal lobes, especially on the left side, have been associated with temper problems. Abnormal (high or low) activity in this part of the brain is often due to a deficiency in the neurotransmitter GABA; balancing it through supplements or medications is often helpful.

TLs in Relationships

When the temporal lobes function properly, people tend to have emotional stability. They are able to process and understand what others say in a clear way. They can retrieve words for conversations. They tend to accurately read the emotional state of others. They have control over their tempers. They have access to accurate memories. Because of their memory, they have a sense of personal history and identity.

When the temporal lobes do not function properly, people tend to have memory struggles. They do not have clear access to their own personal history and identity. They are often emotionally labile (up and down). They tend to be temperamental and have problems with anger. They often have violent thoughts and express their frustration with aggressive talk. They often take things the wrong way and appear to be a little bit paranoid. They may have periods of spaciness or confusion and to misinterpret what is said to them.

POSITIVE TL RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

I remember what you asked me to do.

I have a clear memory of the history of our relationship.

I feel stable and even.

I have access to the words I need to express my feelings.

I can usually tell when another person is happy, sad, mad, or bored.

I have good control over my temper.

My memory is good.

NEGATIVE TL RELATIONAL STATEMENTS

I struggle with memory.

I blow things way out of proportion.

I get angry easily. I have a bad temper.

My moods tend to be volatile.

I tend to get scary, violent thoughts in my head.

It’s hard for me to read.

I often misinterpret what others say.

I tend to be too sensitive to others or feel others are talking about me.

I tend to misread the facial expressions of others.

I frequently have trouble finding the right words in a conversation.

S
TATEMENTS FROM
P
ARTNERS OF
P
EOPLE WITH
TL P
ROBLEMS

He can be physically or verbally very aggressive.

She’s volatile.

His memory is very poor. She misreads situations.

He’s very moody and has serious mood swings. She takes things the wrong way. He spaces out very easily.

She doesn’t seem to learn by reading something or hearing directions. You have to show her what to do.

T
EMPORAL
L
OBES
(TLs) S
UMMARY
(memory and mood stability)

D
IAGNOSTIC
P
ROBLEMS
A
SSOCIATED WITH
L
OW
TL A
CTIVITY

D
IAGNOSTIC
P
ROBLEMS
A
SSOCIATED WITH
H
IGH
TL A
CTIVITY

W
AYS TO
B
ALANCE THE
TLs (low or high)