For the first time in her life she understood how ugly her weakness had become. She didn’t understand how Jesse could care for her, how any of them could.
She stood and paced in front of the bookshelves and glanced at titles Jesse had given her to read. Her heart sank at the thought of him. If she managed to escape, would she ever see him again? Would she want to? She had a hard time imagining what her life would be like outside of these walls, what doors would open, how her mind might break free. She had shaken herself free of Brad; it was time to wake up. The article had made it clear she still had some sense left in her head. If she didn’t hold onto that and at least attempt to leave, she might never have the chance again. It was more about finally choosing something brave than anything else, and it made her sick inside to continue on as she was, the girl stuck in a box, the girl who wrote in her journal about everything except herself because she had never known who she was or what she really wanted.
Tears filled her eyes. It had to be now.
Stuffing her iPod into her sweatshirt pocket, she walked to the balcony doors. She saw her reflection in the glass, the girl she had become, and she wanted nothing more than to walk beyond that girl and finally grow up. Her hand shook as she turned the handle and stepped out into the frigid night.
XXVI
THE FIRST THING SHE SAW WHEN SHE hoisted herself onto the branch was a stone walkway on the other side of the fence. It looked like a fifteen-foot drop. She was insane. If she had stopped to think about how far it was to the ground she might never have stood from the armchair.
Now it was too late.
Wincing, she pushed her bare feet against the tree bark as she held tightly to the branch overhead. She took two more steps forward and inched her fingers across the branch. The bark was cold and icy in the chilled air. She glanced over her shoulder through the glass doors. He was still gone.
She took another step, her breath rising in thin, misty clouds around her face. There was no grass where she could land, only stone. Crap. She had to keep going. For once in her life, she had to do something brave. Eric wouldn’t catch her. No way in hell. She would jump and get to her feet and run so fast he would never see her.
One more step. She slipped. Gasping, she clutched tightly to the branch above and righted herself. A weight shifted in her sweatshirt pocket. Looking down, she saw her iPod slip out. She let go of the branch with one hand and caught the iPod in her trembling fingers.
“You idiot!” she hissed as she swayed. She had to get to the edge and jump. Eric would be back any second. The iPod was heavy in her hand. She stared at it and thought of Jesse. So much of his music was on it, but she couldn’t think of him. Not right now. If she did, she would turn around and settle right back into the armchair. She couldn’t think about any of them. She had to keep going. This was the only way to escape that reflection in the glass, the weakness she had let overtake her.
One, two, three steps.
She swayed and straightened as she pushed the iPod back into her sweatshirt pocket. One more step and she would be clear of the fence. She could jump. She could finally make a choice.
She shut her eyes and tried not to feel the cold air biting through her clothes. She was leaving Jesse forever. The police would make her tell them everything, but how could she? How could she hurt him? Any of them? Maybe
that
was weakness.
Shaking her head, she cursed. How could she do this? Which was the right choice?
It didn’t matter. She had to keep moving forward. One more step and it would be too late to change her mind. She felt ice beneath her feet just before she slipped one last time. Down, down, down. Screaming, she grabbed for anything solid and caught hold of the branch where she had been standing, her bare feet dangling in the air as she watched the iPod slip from her pocket once again and plunge to the ground. It shattered into pieces that skittered across the stone walkway. Pink plastic and metal, a cracked screen, headphones flailed out like a white snake.
Jesse had warned her not to try to escape. He knew what would happen. He knew she was weak.
Her fingers slipped. Tears stung her eyes. She tried to imagine her mother’s arms holding her close, pulling her tighter as her fingers finally lost their grip. Angry pain stabbed through her ankle. Twisting her body, the stones were cold through her pants and against her cheek. She had to sit up. She had to run!
She scrambled to her feet in a rush of adrenaline. With one last look at the broken iPod, she ran as best she could through the neighbor’s front yard and down the sidewalk. Her ankle felt like it might break and she gasped in pain. She pretended not to hear Eric’s footsteps behind her. She didn’t look back. Maybe one of the neighbors would answer their door, but most of the houses were dark. One looked like someone was awake. Past the stop sign. She had to get there.
He rushed up behind her near an empty intersection, right next to the stop sign, and grabbed her arm, swinging her around to face him. Silent words formed on his lips. Disappointment clouded his eyes.
Still pumped with adrenaline, she tried to yank free from his grip, but he wrenched her close to his body and kept her there as he forced her back to the house. A scream built up in her throat, but he clamped his hand over her mouth before it escaped.
In a calm voice he whispered, “As soon as we get back inside, I’m going to kill you.”
She wasn’t sure if he was serious, but he had to be. This was the last straw, the last time he would put up with her defiance. Still, she fought with herself to believe he would actually end her life after all the time she had spent with them. Evelyn loved her.
He dragged her inside and headed straight for his bedroom.
“I’m sorry,” she whimpered the moment he shoved her in the room and let go of her arm. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I promise I’ll never—”
“Shut up!” He slammed a fist into her face so hard she almost fell over. Stumbling backward, she caught her balance and touched her cheek. It hurt worse than the first time he had hit her, only this time there was no blood. Not yet.
“Eric, I—”
“I told you to shut up!” He grabbed her shoulders and slammed her into a shelf. Books tumbled to the floor. He glared into her face and ground his teeth. A scream rose up her throat, but she swallowed it back down. He let her go. “You’ll stay right there while I get my gun or I’ll hit you a lot harder.”
Crying, she fell to her knees and wiped away hot tears. She had to stay calm. She knew he could be reasoned with. Maybe. He pulled a thin, black box from the top shelf of his closet.
“Damn lock,” he muttered, slamming the box onto a clean desk next to the bed. He fiddled with a combination on the front and glanced at her to make sure she was wasn’t moving.
She wasn’t. She bit her lip and gave him a hopeful expression. “Eric, I’m so sorry. It’s just that I saw my parents. I swear I wasn’t going tell anybody about you. I could never—”
“I told you to shut up!” His lips curled around his teeth. “I trusted you.” He fumbled with the lock. His hands were shaking. “I promised I’d kill you if you ever tried to get away. I’ll have to take you out to the garage where a mess won’t matter.” Opening the lock, he lifted the lid and picked up the gun. It was silver with a black grip—larger than she would have expected. Her heart dropped to her toes. He was really going to kill her.
She wouldn’t waste any more time.
Scrambling to her feet, she bolted out of the bedroom. She passed Jesse’s room and rounded the corner, heading straight for the front door. Her ankle buckled. Right behind her, Eric growled and shoved her to the floor. He grabbed a handful of her hair and smacked her head against the tile. Pain sliced behind her eyes. This was it. She had gone too far, pushed him over the edge. She gulped down a scream. Everything inside of her hurt. Her ankle throbbed.
“I didn’t think you were this stupid,” he growled, forcing her to look at him. “Why are you doing this?
Why?
”
She stared into his eyes, black and angry, and blinked away a fresh set of tears. She tried to think past the throbs of pain on the side of her head, but nothing came.
He tightened his grip. “Answer me!” It was almost a plea, his voice strained.
“You were going to kill me,” she whimpered. “Of course I’m going to run!”
“But you’ve never tried to get away. Not once. Why the hell would you do it now?”
What was he getting at? She couldn’t possibly explain how she was beginning to see herself as someone who could decide things on her own, how trying to escape was more about something inside of her than anything else. Could he understand that? It didn’t matter. She saw the impatience in his eyes and knew she had to say something fast.
“I thought you cared about me.” She tried to make it sound as pathetic as she possibly could. “You told me you do.”
His grip loosened. Silence gathered around them, nearly tangible as she focused on what she believed were tears in the corners of his eyes. He blinked them away and tightened his grip once again. She gasped.
“If you’re going to change your mind about us,” he said through gritted teeth, “then I don’t have a choice. I can’t allow you to do this again. I’ve risked too much, made too many promises—to myself and Steve, but mostly to Evie.” He leaned closer. “I have to be able to trust you.”
Her breaths came in spurts. She was on her side, twisted awkwardly to face him as he clutched her hair. Something in his expression spoke to her. He cared for her. She had seen it before, but never so raw. He was fighting it.
Her heart softened and slowed as she understood that he wouldn’t kill her if she made the decision to forget about her parents and stay—
really
made the decision to stay. He would know if she was lying.
He released his grip on her hair and carefully helped her sit up. She glanced at the untied laces of his tennis shoes. He must have put them on just before bolting out the front door to chase her down. She had forgotten what it felt like to wear shoes.
He peered into her eyes. “Can I trust you? You have no idea how badly I want to trust you. I did trust you, and Evie loves you. You’ve made her so happy. If I kill you, she’ll ... she’ll ....” He paused and cupped her face in his hands. They were steady. “Please tell me you won’t do this again. Promise me.”
Her heart pounded. He was looking at her with such desperation, but how could she possibly promise him such a thing when all she wanted now was to feel some tiny measure of freedom inside her own heart? She had thought she was free in so many ways, but now that she had seen her mother and couldn’t reach her, she was starting to see freedom differently.
She closed her eyes. It was clear to her now why it frightened Eric to kill her. He was afraid to lose her—to lose anybody he cared for. As long as he had someone with him, he didn’t have to face himself or the reality of how much his own father’s mistakes had hurt him—and changed him. His father had murdered his mother and sister, and it was clear now how deeply that ran inside him. It was as deep and painful as her feelings for her mother. If he killed her, Evelyn might not forgive him, and he would face even more of the loneliness that frightened him so much.
For the first time, she looked into his eyes and saw a glimmer of the real person behind the anger and pain. He was kind and compassionate. He was hurt. He had been hurting for years.
“Naomi?” he asked, almost pleading. “Can you promise me?”
The doorbell rang. It had to be the pizza.
He let go of her shoulders, but didn’t move. He was waiting for an answer. She looked up and saw the baseball hat of the delivery boy silhouetted through the beveled glass. The brief thought of what might happen if she stood up and yanked the door open raced through her mind, but instead she looked back at Eric and chewed her lip. She had to give him an answer.
“I promise,” she said quietly, hoping it didn’t sound too hollow.
He studied her face before helping her stand. She cried out in pain. “My ankle’s broken. It kills!”
“I’ll bet it’s just a sprain. Let’s get you on the couch.” He helped her to the living room where she sat down with a heavy sigh and then watched him open the door to pay for the pizza.
Later, as she nibbled at a piece of pizza and held an ice pack to her ankle, she mumbled repeated apologies for betraying his trust. He watched her from across the room, but didn’t say anything.
JESSE CAME home two days later. She rushed into his arms. Seeing him clicked her feelings into place. She had made the right decision. Staying with him was her choice, the best choice, the only choice now. He was all she needed, because with him she could be strong.
“I missed you so much,” she whimpered into his shoulder as he pulled her tightly to him.
“I missed you too, Naomi.” His voice was soft and fragile, as if it might break.
Everything about him made her heart melt—the way she knew every detail of his face but could see there was more underneath, more to discover. The smell of him wrapped around her once again. His arms were protective. When he kissed her, she knew he was in love with her. He had to be in love with her, the way he looked like he might kill someone when he spotted the bruises on her face.
He left her sitting on the couch and went into Eric’s office. As soon as the yelling started, Evelyn pulled her upstairs and told her to wait in her room.