The Brenda Diaries (16 page)

April

April 1:

-Looks like Starbucks guy is either (a) broken up with his g-friend or (b) looking to get fired. He gave me my latte fix gratis, as in free!

-Tutoring gig starts next week so no more double booking jobs for me. My temp agency will just have to understand or I'll go to another one.

-My Friday night options are (1) stay home with the annoying roommate and watch Lifetime movies or (2) date with the Loser. I'd rather work.

April 2:

-Sleeping all day to make up for what I missed out on last week.

April 3:

-Not only have I washed every sock, towel and shirt, but my excuse for not going to church with my Nana is totally washed up, too

April 4:

-Catching Source Code tonight with the Loser. I'll be thinking of Jake Gyllenhaal afterwards which is what I usually do anyways.

-My boss likes to rehash his whole day. Not sure he gets that I already know since I was there and it was boring the first time around.

April 5:

-Hitting the Starbucks hard this morning. Stayed up way late convincing the Loser that he isn't a loser. Maybe it's time for a new nickname?

-I guess he, the Loser, is my boyfriend. Or something like it. He needs a new nickname...and a nicer girlfriend.

-First tutoring session later. Goal is to cram knowledge into kid's head as fast as possible. One Tree Hill reruns don't happen every night.

April 6:

-Everything I'm wearing today is brand spanking new. If people don't tell me I look cute, I'll be pissed.

-Why do cute guys always smile at me just as I take a huge bite of something with spinach in it? I've had it. I'm quitting you, spinach.

April 7:

-I've done the dirty deed, taken the dirty money and plan to do it all over again next week.

April 8:

-Do I eat at my desk and bail from work early or have lunch outside around people I don't know well enough not to like?

-Had my lunch outside and met someone who might have the potential to go from not liking to not-not liking. We shall see.

-So I'm a tutor now. A morally and ethically compromised one.

April 9:

-Frat boys in oversized hoodies, droopy cargo shorts and flip flops didn't do it for me in college and they do it even less for me now.

April 10:

-Neighbor asked me to watch her yappy little dog next weekend. She knows better than to expect me to do it out of the goodness of my heart.

April 11:

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Last night a guy at a bar asked me if I had cats. When I said no, he didn't believe me. I'm too young to be giving off cat lady vibes!

-Monthly family dinner night at my parents'. If I could trust myself to use smack just for this reason, I'd score some on the way there.

April 12:

-My boss asked me to print out some weird images from his camera. Took a second to realize they were for his kid's science project.

-Annoying roommate wants to have a waxing party tonight. As in I wax her, she waxes me. The Sluthammer needs to get a job and another hobby.

April 13:

-My temp agency wants to know if I can work for Rude Lawyer next week. He's requested me specifically. What a sicko.

-Ever see that movie Secretary? It's kind of like that, but he's Maggie Gyllenhaal and I'd rather work for James Spader.

April 14:

-Chocolate banana milkshakes will never be the same for me after last night.

-Nope, not a lawyer, but I have temped for one, a very rude one, before. That's as much lawyer as I can handle in my life.

April 15:

-Have been instructed to dress law office appropriate next week. So do I go with Big Liar purple or Screw You pink for the tips of my hair?

April 16:

-Going to the mall with Sluthammer. If I don't, she'll never get past the Frederick's of Hollywood sales rack.

April 17:

April 18:

-Rude Lawyer asked me to get him Starbucks (fair enough) and gave me the exact amount (down to the penny) for his triple grande latte. Dang.

-Well, life just got a bit more interesting. Just caught fellow temp at Rude Lawyer's office pocketing yellow highlighters. All of them.

April 19:

-Thieving temp insisted on paying for my Starbucks. I let him not because he can buy my silence for $4.35, but because he's really cute.

-Meeting Boyfriend for dinner. Maybe we'll make a night of it and go to Medieval Times! Who doesn't like eating with just their fingers?

April 20:

-Rude Lawyer is having a nervous breakdown over the lack of yellow highlighters. Sharing secret smiles with (cute) thieving temp.

-Invited to a weekend pool party which means I have to buy and wear something to get wet in. Anyone know where I can get a scuba suit? Cheap?

April 21:

April 22:

-The Thief asked if I'm working for Rude Lawyer next week. I'm not, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. Right?

-Boyfriend, as in mine, wants to hang out tonight. Nothing on TV, he checked, so I have no excuse not to see him. Guess we'll have sex. Yawn.

April 23:

-Apartment hunting with and for Sluthammer after work. Have to pretend to be sad that she's getting own place. Can you tell I'm not?

-Heading to pool party. No scuba suit or bikini needed. Why? Sluthammer is making good on her threat to wear a thong. No other show needed.

April 24:

-Pancakes. I need pancakes. Lots of them.

-Boyfriend came through with pancakes. He scores points. Hope he doesn't squander them by suggesting I watch him play video games later.

April 25:

-After the weekend I had, I can't believe I'm actually craving Hot Dog on a Stick for lunch.

-Not sure if it's me or her, but I'm getting serious "I hate you" vibes from a rival temp. Cat fight in the parking lot after work? Maybe.

-Pizza and beer for dinner. And, no, I'm not sharing.

April 26:

-Slutthammer is trying to talk me into staying home on Friday to watch the royal wedding with her...You know, I just might do it.

-Sending serious dirty looks over to rival temp. She cut me off at the copy machine.

-Heading over to Brentwood for a tutoring session with the Void. He still doesn't get why the caged bird sings.

April 27:

-The Void thanked me after tutoring session last night. Usually he just points to the envelope of cash his parents leave on the hall table.

-Boyfriend says he'll take Friday off if I do. All this for a wedding we weren't even invited to.

April 28:

-Mixing work and fun might get me in trouble.

-No, I won't be ditching work tomorrow to wake up a 3 AM to watch that wedding. Sluthammer and Boyfriend will have to enjoy it without me.

April 29:

-Just because Kate has her job in the bag, doesn't mean I do. Off to work after getting up way too early to watch that wedding.

-Not going to confront Rival Temp about dirty looks because I'm not in high school anymore. Going to be a grownup about it and ignore her.

-Sluthammer is awake and texting me about the wedding and how it's giving her ideas about her own. Is she for real? Sadly, she is.

April 30:

-Boyfriend wants to go to the beach and have lunch. Try as I might, I can't find anything wrong with this plan.

-Going out with Sluthammer and the latest love of her life who I don't like at all. Going to be a long night.

May

May 1:

-I'm entirely too excited about doing laundry. What can I say? Clean socks make me slightly less grumpy.

May 2:

-Still waiting for my agency to call with an assignment. I hope they do. Not in the mood to stay home re-watch royal wedding with Sluthammer.

-It's official. No temp assignment today, but I've been promised to be called first for anything that comes in for tomorrow. Gah, what to do?

-I can have lunch wherever I want today so why is it that I want microwave pizza?

-Good deed for the day: Found a lost dog and reunited it with a panicked owner. This is why all my pets are plants.

May 3:

-My agency came through with a two day assignment. Took it just to get out of the house and away from Sluthammer. She's a bad influence.

-My job is making rethink what I need, want and have in life.

-For once my excuse not to see Boyfriend is true. I actually do have a headache.

May 4:

-Back to the construction site for me, but I got earplugs, air freshener and Gloria Allred's number on speed dial.

-Just got asked out on a date by a guy who is definitely not Boyfriend. Wonder if he'd mind if I say yes…

May 5:

-My temp agency didn't come through with anything. Going to spend my day at the mall reminiscing about when I used to work there.

-Is there anything better than a food court on a Thursday afternoon? Yeah, I didn't think so.

May 6:

-I'm spending the day hiding out at the movies. If my agency flakes on me for next week, I'm dusting off my barrista smock.

May 7:

-Boyfriend and Sluthammer don't seem to understand that the best way to enjoy an overcast day is to stay indoors and ignore it.

May 8:

May 9:

-Agency came through with a two-weeker and it's a good one!

-Have been asked to stay late. Said yes. This is a plum assignment and I want to make nice even though I feel crabby.

May 10:

-Yes, I'm going in early (after staying way late) to "dream" temp assignment. Have to tutor the Void tonight and need to leave before dark.

-New (temp) boss makes Rude Lawyer seem like one of those small purse dogs. But guess you don't get to so powerful by being a nice person.

-Someone crying in the bathroom. Temp boss officially earns nickname Wicked Witch. Booked for this job until next week...Counting the days.

-Lame tutoring session. Void is still in spring break mode and I'm wrecked from a day of trying to please Wicked Witch. Early bedtime for me.

May 11:

-Staring at the bottom of a venti quad latte and wondering where my youth has gone.

-I've had all sorts of bosses. Good, blah and bad but I've never been tempted to walkout on an assignment until Wicked Witch.

-Will this day never end? Not as long as Wicked Witch isn't happy with how we've packed the gift bags.

May 12:

-And this is why you shouldn't double date with a friend who's dating a married dude.

-Boyfriend has offered to rescue me from Wicked Witch. Sluthammer says she'll beat her up. Definitely like one option more than the other.

-Meeting Sluthammer and other friends for much needed drinks after work. I might just keep drinking and show up sloshed tomorrow. Tempting!

May 13:

-Wouldn't you know! Show up buzzed for work but Wicked Witch is out of the office. She rides a fast broom stick so she might swoop in. Scary.

-While the Wicked Witch is out flying on her broom, thinking about switching from blogger to tumblr. Anybody have strong feeling about this?

May 14:

-Because of where I have to be next week, I'm spending today at the happiest place on earth. Going to D-land with Boyfriend and Sluthammer.

May 15:

-Have agreed to go to brunch with Boyfriend and his parents. Must be residual effects from spending yesterday at happiest place on earth.

-Spent all day and evening with Boyfriend and his parents. No quality time with my other boyfriend KenMore. Dirty laundry is mocking me.

May 16:

-Getting ready to face another week dodging Wicked Witch's broom. Too bad I can't add a drop of something to her Starbucks to mellow her out.

-Everyone just scattered. Wicked Witch must be on her way. Pray for me…

-Sluthammer called in crises mode. She can't get a hold of MoneyBags. Advised her NOT to call his wife and ask where he is. Bet she does…

-Made it through Monday. Something tells me Tuesday is going to feel a whole lot like Monday.

May 17:

-Client meetings with Wicked Witch. My task is to hold her purse. I'm not kidding. That's all I'm expected to do, but I must do it perfectly.

-I must be the best purse holder in the world. Wicked Witch is letting me go home early. Why do I think this is some kind of trick?

May 18:

-Had a dream I was in law school and happy about it...And that's how I know this temp assignment is doing serious damage to my soul.

-Wicked Witch is having a banner day. Two people quit on her. So far I've managed not to poison her lattes. Still early, tho…

May 19:

-Wearing head-to-toe black today so no one messes with me. It worked for the goth chick in high school.

-Wicked Witch actually smiled at me...or maybe it was gas.

-Celebrating the end of hellish temp assignment a day early tonight with dinner and something else with Boyfriend.

May 20:

-Damn, I'm happy....

-Wicked Witch paid for my Starbucks. Even though I'm the one who fetched it, I'm still afraid to drink it in case it's poisoned.

-Home safe and sound. Not even the sight of a homeless guy pooping by the freeway off-ramp is ruining my buzz.

May 21:

-Thief's band playing tonight. Boyfriend wants to hang out. Would it be wrong of me to combine the two if neither find out about the other?

May 22:

-I'm staying in, staying out of trouble and doing laundry all day. It's just going to be me and my reliable boyfriend KenMore.

May 23:

-Working for Boss and Wifey this week. Lots of filing and refereeing their marital spats. But, hey, at least the Starbucks is paid for.

-Boss wants to know if I know what's wrong with Wifey. Where do I start?

-Internet went down. Had to send Boss out on a pointless errand so I could get some work done.

-Sort of glad that the biggest decision I have to make is what to microwave for dinner.

May 24:

-Running errands for Wifey before heading into the office. Boss is okay with this as it gets him out of it. Home Depot, here I come.

-Boss is letting me go home early. He and Wifey have plans. As long as they don't do it on my desk, I'm okay with that.

May 25:

-Neighbor asked me to watch her yappy dog, she's going out of town with friends. Said yes. It gives me an excuse to stay home and avoid mine.

-Boss doesn't want his usual vegan salad for lunch. Says to bring him something with steak so he can build up his strength for Wifey. Yuck.

-Long conversation with Boyfriend as to why he should NOT buy a pork pie hat. My winning argument was he would not be porking me if he does.

-Sluthammer wants to give MoneyBags the ultimate gift. Told her to buy him a pork pie hat and save the other thing for her wedding night.

May 26:

-Caught myself studying a college extension course catalog a bit too intently. This only happens when I don't have enough work to do.

-I only play the P card when I absolutely have to. To not see Boyfriend in a pork pie hat called for laying it on the table.

-Boss and Wifey are the king and queen of TMI. I don't know half as much about my parents' relationship as I do theirs.

-Boyfriend is coming over for pizza and reruns on TV. Yeah, I'm a cheap date.

May 27:

-Friday before a long weekend and no temp assignment lined up for next week. Maybe I'll start writing that book everyone says I have in me.

-Sluthammer is going to Palm Springs with MoneyBags. I think my plans to buy socks and dog sit are infinitely more exciting.

-Sluthammer is going to Palm Springs with MoneyBags. I think my plans to buy socks and dog sit are infinitely more exciting.

-Neighbor's says yappy dog likes to change outfits at least three times a day. Going to do my best to turn him in to a nudist by Monday.

May 28:

-Back from taking yappy dog for a walk. Man, I live in a crappy looking neighborhood.

-Sneaking in snacks as well as yappy dog in his purse carrier into a showing of Bridemaids. Starting to see benefits of having a pet.

May 29:

-Yappy dog responds to a "tsk" when it's bad and "cluck" when it's good. This also works on Boyfriend. Bonus.

-Yappy dog only eats brown rice and diced chicken. Added a dash of soy sauce for myself and now we're both enjoying a healthy dinner.

May 30:

-Sluthammer is back from Palm Springs. Neighbor has picked up yappy dog. And I went from sharing my apartment with one bitch to another.

May 31:

-Overslept and now Sluthammer knows I'm not temping this week. Her plans for us today? Trying on wedding dresses "for the fun of it." Ugh…

-Sluthammer is full of career advice for me. As in "Don't work at lame, boring companies." Have I mentioned that she's never had a real job?

-Locking myself in my apartment and doing that creative typing thing. Don't bother me, world, I'm being literary….