The Brenda Diaries (17 page)

June

June 1:

-Long talk with apartment maintenance guy about neighbors. Now I know who's having an affair, who doesn't recycle and who's behind on rent.

-Boyfriend has sugar shock from happiness. He found out I'm writing. Wants to go to Starbucks, share a table and touch laptops. Corny.

-Boyfriend asked for my honest opinion on his mobster/romcom screenplay. My advice? More shooting, less kissing, maybe add a monkey. Duh.

-Maintenance Guy is super handy and chock full of valuable info. He could have a side gig as a blackmailer, but he's too nice.

-My rep has come through with an assignment for next week. Do I dare become one of those temps who works on something else while at work?

June 2:

-Starting to realize that making promises is getting me in trouble.

-Got a message from my rep about next week's temp assignment. Have to dress "business causal" and "cover any visible tattoos and piercings."

June 3:

-Taking my creative typing efforts to my local library. It's the only place where Sluthammer has no interest in scoping out the men there.

-Library has suddenly been overrun by toddlers for story time. Hiding in the periodical section until it's over.

-If I don't, please tell my family to search for my remains under a pile of Cosmo and Ladies' Home Journal magazines.

-Survived the toddlers and now braving the teenagers.

-Boyfriend wants to read what I've written. It's an "I'll show you mine. You show me yours" situation. Told him I'm too shy to play along.

June 4:

-Doing laundry today instead of tomorrow. Yes, the last thing anyone can say about me is that I'm predictable and boring.

-Inhaling clean laundry fumes has gotten to me. Just agreed to go out with Boyfriend, Sluthammer and her MoneyBags. Going to be a long night.

June 5:

-Put together 5 days worth of lady suits for this week's temp assignment. I draw the line at pantyhose, tho. Even I have my limits.

June 6:

-Dressed like a door-to-door missionary for this week's temp assignment. Added streak of silver-gray to my hair, but ditched wire spectacles.

-Place I'm temping this week is dead silent. So quiet, it hurts my ears. I had to sprint to the ladies' room to sneeze.

-Volunteered to run copies of some sort of report. I don't care what it's about, just need a break from all the silence. Machine noise...yum.

-Got used to not talking all day and now Boyfriend is worried because I'm so quiet. Maybe I'll clue him in tomorrow....Most likely won't.

June 7:

-Trying to yawn as quietly as possible. Had to keep getting up to wiggle the knob thingie on my janked up toilet.

-Someone's birthday. Never knew such a subdued version "Happy Birthday" was possible. Now everyone is quietly eating cake.

-Read a magazine story about some all-guy no talking monastery in Greece. Aside from the chicks here, this office is pretty much the same.

-Talked to Maintenance Guy about my janked up toilet. He's going to do what he can, but says I might need a new one. That's okay with me!

June 8:

-Another crappy night’s sleep thanks to my crappy crapper. Dreaming of one of those high tech Japanese toilets. I'd never leave my apartment.

-Sluthammer is threatening to move out unless the toilet is fixed. Yes, I feel dumb for not thinking of sabotaging the facilities sooner.

-When it's this quiet in an office, you can hear everything. As in sounds of someone clipping their fingernails from across the room. Yech.

-Kind of sort of encouraged Sluthammer to spend the night with MoneyBags so I can crash on the pull-out in the living room. I need to sleep!

June 9:

-I've resorted to playing "Guess That Noise and Who Made It" Game, so far I'm doing frighteningly well.

-Yes! Maintenance Guy texted that Poky, my landlord, ok'd a new toilet. I want a fancy Japanese one, but will settle for anything that works.

-Text from Thief. He wants to hang out tonight. Can't, but he doesn't need to know it's because I'm sleeping over at Boyfriend's.

June 10:

-Day 5 of my paid silent retreat and hope it's my last. Waiting for my rep to get back to me about next week. Finger crossed it doesn't suck.

-You know that annoying person who calls during the middle of dinner or sex? Next week that will be me. From dead silence to telemarketing.

-It's Finally Friday. So relived to be done temping at cone of silence that I'm going to Happy Hour with Sluthammer who's mad at MoneyBags.

June 11:

-Is it over yet? No, I guess it's not.

-I just woke up from one of those long naps that are never a good idea unless you're toddler or an old person. My Saturday is shot. Bleh.

-Building handy guy says new toilet will be in by Monday and Poky landlord is going to supervise install himself. Of course he is. Pervert.

June 12:

-Brunched and shirt shopped for Boyfriend with a smile plastered onto my face. If that doesn't make me a good girlfriend, screw all of it.

-Void, thanks to me, has passed all the classes I tutored him through. Math wasn't one of them. He's stuck in summer school. Poor rich kid.

June 13:

-Temp assignment starts at 8 with an hour of telemarketer training. I must be a horrible person because I'm looking forward to it.

-Telemarketer supervisor passed out a list of names and said, "Choose a nice one so people will hate on you less." Brenda is not on the list.

-Sluthammer has made up with MoneyBags. Wants me to meet them for dinner. Big pass on that and not only because I want to see my new toilet.

June 14:

-Picked up holistic nerve calming mints to help face down another day as a telemarketer. Meth makes me too jumpy.

-Telemarketing woes: Dialed two screamers in a row. One asked if I was ashamed of myself, other told me to go to college and get a real job.

-When I was 7, I wanted a bunny rabbit for Christmas, but got socks with kittens on them. This is way more disappointing.

June 15:

-Sluthammer gave me a pep talk. "If you have to be a telemarketer, be the best one you can be." And I will! Until Friday at 6 pm.

-Badgering temp agency rep to find me something good for next week. Ideally, it'll involve kittens, cashmere and beauty product testing.

-Boyfriend wants to hangout. I said yes. Couldn't turn down his offer to bring food and Pride & Prejudice dvd to replace my scratched one.

June 16:

-My work life has started to mess with my sex life, but at least I enjoyed a bowl Tom Yum Goon first.

June 17:

-Not enough coffee and too much bitching in the break room. These telemarketers are not happy people. Glad it's my last day here. Hurray!

-My rep came through with an open ended assignment starting on Monday. I can stay a week or through the month. Goodbye, telemarketing!

-Shopping for something to wear to an engagement party for tomorrow night. Not mine! Ex-girlfriend of Boyfriend who are still friends. Weird.

June 18:

-Found the perfect dress for Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's party. It's very "I'm too cool to care" even tho I kind of do. No one needs to know.

-Sluthammer wants to come to Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's engagement party. She loves romance and drama and is convinced there will be both.

-Can't ignore my stuffy nose and sore throat. Making sure to stash DayQuil in my purse. My new dress is NOT missing this engagement party.

June 19:

-Sluthammer and MoneyBags are on the outs. Again. Boyfriend is mad at me. I wish I could work a night job and not deal with any of this.

-Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's fiancé texted me to confirm a Wednesday dinner date. Just what did my new dress do at that engagement party?

-Mixing DayQuil and fruity alcoholic drinks will lead to ordering steak, eggs and hash browns at 2 AM at Denny's. My new dress is mad at me.

June 20:

-Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend isn't my enemy, but it's safe to say I won't be in (or maybe even invited to) her wedding. Bleh.

-So far my dress is not talking about what happened at the engagement party. Rumor is that there's a tumblr page dedicated to it.

-Feel sorry for my dress, too. It'll be a long time before it can show its face again in this zip code.

-Stopping at the drugstore for more cold/flu pills and a jumbo bag of Hershey Kisses for Sluthammer to keep her busy so I can get some rest.

June 21:

-Saying it, sorry, with feeling...most of the time

Another run in with BitchFace, but I'm going to have to postpone our parking lot cat fight for another day--I have after work plans.

-Since sorry isn't cutting it with Boyfriend, I'm buying him that damn porkpie hat he's been mooning over. Happy now?

June 22:

-Way too early for the whisper campaign BitchFace has already started against me. Jeez, at least let me finish my latte. And....Here we go.

-While I'm more of a dog person (even of the neighbor's yappy dog), I'd never toss a cat at BitchFace. No cat deserves it.

-Spent my lunch break talking Sluthammer out of dropping by MoneyBags's house. Sincerely doubt his wife would've invited her in for tea.

-Seeing Boyfriend tonight to give him his porkpie hat and my last sorry. If this doesn't do the trick, that hat is the last pork between us.

June 23:

-Sending a certain bagel chain a note about a rude employee. I ordered a bagel not attitude, guy. I take bad customer service personally.

-Haven't seen her today, but I'm sure BitchFace is lurking, waiting to strike. Maybe she thinks I'm doing the same thing. Paranoid much? Yes.

-My rep wants to know if she can book me for another week. Told her yes. I'm no quitter and it's my goal to out temp BitchFace.

June 24:

-Last night Boyfriend emailed me a pic of him wearing his porkpie hat...at a bar with his arm around some big boobed bleached blond. Grrr!

-My day just got that much more crappy. Sluthammer is back with MoneyBags and office manager asked me to work on a project with BitchFace.

-A blond with fake boobs at a bar? Boyfriend went to Harvard--I at least expected a little originality.

-I gave Boyfriend that damn porkpie hat. Little did I know it would unleash his inner douche.

-Going home and not coming out until Monday. (Except for food. And a haircut on Saturday. Maybe to the movies and bookstore.) So there!

June 25:

-I have my apartment to myself and enough episodes of Law & Order: SVU to keep me glued to my TV until this later this afternoon. Whatever.

-Boyfriend has called and texted. Says he's "soooooo soooorrryyy." Going to let him sweat it out. I have a few more L&O: SVUs to watch.

June 26:

-Boyfriend is still waiting. I drove to Palm Springs to rescue Sluthammer. MoneyBags's wife showed up and ruined their romantic weekend. Ha!