The Bridesmaid's Baby (14 page)

‘Yes.’

‘I never understood that, Lucy. Josh Carruthers had girlfriends all over the district.’

‘Dad, I don’t really want to go back over that now.’

‘I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s all in the past.’

‘Actually, there is one thing about that time I’ve been meaning to ask you.’

‘What’s that, dear?’

‘Why didn’t you tell me that Will telephoned and tried to visit me after Josh died?’

A sigh shuddered down the phone line. ‘You were so distressed, Lucy, and I was upset too. Your mother wasn’t around to advise, and I suppose I went into over-protective mode.’

‘But Will was my friend.’

‘I know, dear. I’m sorry, but I did what I thought was right. Mattie was there almost every day, and she was a huge help. And, to be honest, Will wasn’t his normal self at the time. He was acting quite strangely. Extremely tense. Distraught, actually. I didn’t see how he could do you any good.’

Lucy pressed two fingers to the bridge of her nose to hold back the threat of tears. She knew there was no point in getting upset about this. It wasn’t her father’s fault that Will had taken off again, without leaving her any hint that he’d wanted to keep in touch.

It wasn’t her father’s fault that her own feelings of guilt had driven her to silence, adding more strain to an already tense friendship.

‘Well, things are still complicated between Will and me,’ she admitted.

‘Is he planning to continue working overseas?’

‘Yes.’

‘How do you feel about that?’

‘OK.’ Lucy forced a smile into her voice. ‘It’s what we planned.’

‘So this baby was planned?’

‘Yes. Will and I decided we’d like to have a baby together, but we’ll just remain friends.’

There was a significant pause. ‘Are you really happy with that arrangement, Lucy?’

She couldn’t give a direct answer. ‘Dad, I knew what Will was like when we started talking about this.’

There was another sigh on the other end of the line. Another pause. ‘My big concern is that you must look after yourself.’

‘I will, Dad. I promise.’

‘I’m afraid I have to go now. Come and see me soon. Come for dinner.’

‘I will. Thanks. Love you, Dad.’

Lucy was about to disconnect when her father spoke again. ‘Lucy.’

The tone of his voice made her grip the phone more tightly. ‘Yes?’

‘I’ve always thought that if two very good friends fall in love, they should grab their good luck with both hands.’

Lucy couldn’t think of anything to say.

‘It’s the greatest happiness this life can offer,’ her father said.

And then he hung up.

I
T HAD
been a long hot day and a summer storm broke late in the afternoon. By the time Lucy closed up the surgery, it was raining and thunder rumbled in the distance.

It was still raining heavily half an hour later when she set out for Tambaroora. She was nervous, but she was determined to see Will this evening before she chickened out again.

It wasn’t yet six but the sky was already dark and her windscreen wipers had to work overtime. The winding, unsealed country roads had quickly turned to slippery mud so, despite her impatience, she had to drive very slowly and carefully.

She could see wet sheep clustered beneath the inadequate shelter of skinny gum trees. Thunder rolled all around the valley and white flashes of sheet lightning lit the entire sky. She was relieved when she finally saw the lights of Tambaroora homestead.

As soon as she pulled up at the bottom of the front steps she made a dash for the veranda.

Will’s mother, wearing an apron, greeted Lucy warmly and she could smell the tempting aroma of dinner cooking. ‘You were brave to come out in this terrible storm,’ she said.

‘I know it’s not a good time to be calling, but I was hoping to see Will.’

Jessie Carruthers smiled. ‘He’s told us your news.’

‘Are you pleased?’ Lucy asked.

‘Very,’ Jessie said. ‘Especially when Will told us that you were so happy about it.’

Lucy held her breath, wondering if Jessie would make a reference to her previous pregnancy with her elder son. But she said simply, ‘Will and his father have spent the whole afternoon out in the shed, working on the tractor.’ She smiled. ‘You know what boys are like with their toys.’

‘You must be pleased that Will’s taking an interest.’

‘Well, yes, I am, actually, and he’s still at it. Robert came back a few minutes ago and he’s in the shower. But Will’s still out there, tinkering away.’

‘I’ll drive over and see if I can find him.’

‘All right, love.’ Jessie gave a wistful sigh. ‘I suppose you’re as disappointed as I am that Will’s going away again so soon.’

‘Well…I’m not surprised.’

‘You might be able to talk him out of it, Lucy.’

Lucy stared at Will’s mother, surprised. ‘I could try, I guess. But I’m afraid it might be like trying to persuade a leopard to change his spots.’

Jessie frowned. ‘I don’t understand young people these days.’

‘I’m not sure that we understand ourselves,’ Lucy admitted.

Jessie accepted this with a resigned shrug. ‘Anyway, it’s lovely to see you, dear. And you must join us for dinner.’

Lucy thanked her and then drove her ute around to the back of the house, past garden beds filled with blue hydrangeas and a vegetable plot where tomatoes and fennel and silverbeet had been drenched by the heavy rain.

From there, she went through a gate, then followed muddy wheel tracks across a wet paddock till she reached the old galvanised iron structure that served as a machinery shed.

There was a light inside the shed and her heart was as fluttery as a bird’s as she turned off her ute’s motor. Consciously gathering her courage, she hurried to the lighted doorway.

The rain was making a dreadful racket on the iron roof so there was no point in knocking. She went inside and the smell of diesel oil seemed to close in around her. The shed was almost a museum of ageing tractors and the walls were hung with relics from the past—an ancient riding harness, the metal steps of a sulky, even a wagon wheel.

She saw the top of Will’s head as he bent over a modern tractor engine, tapping at it with a spanner.

The storm battered against the iron walls and Lucy began to wonder why she’d thought it was so important to hurry over here. She’d never seen Will working at any kind of mechanical task and she felt like an intruder. He was probably trying to get the job finished by dinner time and he might not appreciate her interruption.

‘Will,’ she called.

He looked up and his eyebrows lifted with surprise. ‘Lucy, what are you doing here?’

Setting down the spanner, he grabbed at a rag and wiped his hands as he hurried around the front of the tractor.

His shoulders stretched the seams of a faded blue cotton shirt. Weather-beaten jeans rode low on his hips and everything about him looked perfect to her.

He smiled and she felt a familiar ripple of yearning, but
she felt something deeper too—the painful awareness of how very deeply she loved this man.

That love hurt.

‘Is everything all right?’ he asked.

‘I’m fine, Will. Still pregnant.’

His face relaxed visibly.

‘I needed to talk to you, but it’s been a busy day. I came as soon as I could get away.’

‘You should be sitting down.’ He frowned as he looked about the untidy shed. ‘We used to have a chair out here somewhere. Oh, there it is.’

He freed a metal chair from a tangle of tools in the corner and wiped cobwebs and dust from it with a rag. Then he carefully tested the chair’s legs and, finally satisfied, he set it on the concrete floor.

Lucy thanked him and sat with necessary dignity.

She thought, for a moment, that Will would remain standing, towering over her and making her more nervous than ever, but he found a perch on the tractor’s running board.

‘So you’ve had a busy day,’ he said, still wiping the last of the grease from his hands. ‘Have you had time to tell anyone your good news?’

‘Gina called in at lunch time and I told her about the baby. She’s over the moon, of course. I rang my dad, and I spoke to your mother just now. Everyone seems really pleased.’

She dropped her gaze to her hands, clenched white-knuckled in her lap. ‘But they’re all a little mystified when they realise you’re still going away, Will. Somehow we’re going to have to explain our arrangement to them. They need to understand we won’t be living together as traditional parents.’

She wished she didn’t feel so sick and nervous. Out
side, a gust of wind caught a metal door, slamming it against the shed wall.

‘Actually, I’ve changed my mind about going away.’

Lucy’s head snapped up and she stared at him. Her heart hammered and she wasn’t sure she could trust what she’d heard.

‘I’ve rung the PNG mining company,’ he said. ‘It’s all arranged. I’m not going.’

‘But I’ve just spoken to your mother and she—’

‘Mum doesn’t know about it yet. My father should be telling her right now.’

‘Oh? I…I see.’

She felt faint. Dizzy.

‘I’ve spent most of the afternoon talking about it with my father,’ Will said, ‘and it’s all planned. I’m going to take care of this place, while Dad takes Mum on the trip of a lifetime to Europe.’

Oh…so his reason for staying had nothing to do with her or the baby.

Lucy tried to swallow her disappointment. ‘Your mother will love that,’ she said. ‘I heard her plying Mattie with questions about Italy at the christening. She’s dying to go overseas.’

The faintest of smiles glimmered in his eyes. ‘And I don’t want to be too far away from you.’

Lucy’s heart leapt like an over-eager puppy, bouncing with too much excitement.

‘I need to keep an eye on you now,’ he said.

‘I see.’ She twisted her hands in her lap, hating the re-alisation that at any minute now she might burst into tears from tension.

‘I want to court you.’

‘Court me?’

Lucy was sure she’d misheard Will, but then she saw a flush creeping upwards from his shirt collar.

‘I thought that perhaps we should go out on dates like other couples,’ he said. ‘To find out—’

He stopped, as if he was searching for the right words.

‘To find out if we can fall in love?’ Lucy supplied in a cold little voice she hardly recognised.

‘Yes,’ he said, clearly grateful that she understood.

Lucy was devastated. She was fighting to breathe. Will had been her friend since high school. For heaven’s sake, he’d slept with her on two occasions. He was the father of her baby, and yet he still needed to take her out on dates to find out if he loved her.

A cruel icy hand squeezed around her heart.

‘I really don’t think dating would work,’ she said, miserably aware that her life and her silly dreams were falling to pieces. ‘If you were ever going to fall in love with me, it would have happened by now.’

‘But, Lucy, I—’

‘No!’ she cried and the word sounded as if it had been ripped from her.

She held up her hands to stop him. ‘I’m an expert when it comes to falling in love, Will.’ Despair launched her to her feet.

Will’s face was as pained as it was puzzled. He stood too.

Tears clogged Lucy’s throat and she gulped to force them down. ‘I know all about trying to manipulate love.’

‘What do you mean?’

She saw the colour flee from Will’s face and for a moment she almost retreated. Why should she force Will to hear her confession?

He wasn’t going to PNG any more. Perhaps that was enough. She should be grateful for small mercies.

But no, she’d promised herself that she wouldn’t be a coward. Will was, after all, her baby’s father. Her confession wouldn’t change that.

She took a deep breath and dived in. ‘I tried to make you fall in love with me once before, Will, but it didn’t work.’

Dismayed, he shook his head. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘I’m telling you something rather terrible, actually.’ She fixed her gaze on a huge muddy tractor tyre. ‘I started going out with Josh because I was hoping you’d hear about it and be jealous.’

She heard the shocked sound Will made, but she couldn’t look at him.

‘My plan backfired,’ she said. ‘Josh was more than I’d bargained for.’ Her cheeks flamed. ‘Then I discovered I was pregnant.’

Shyly, she lifted her gaze.

Will’s eyes were wild, but he held himself very still, hands fisted. ‘Please tell me that Josh didn’t force you.’

‘No, he didn’t use force, but I was young and he was very persuasive.’

A harsh sound escaped him. He began to pace, but then he whirled around to face her. ‘Is that why you became engaged to Josh? Because you found out you were pregnant?’

‘Yes.’ Tears spilled suddenly.

Tears of shame.

And relief.

It was so good to have her confession out in the open at last.

‘I was such an idiot, Will, and I ended up being trapped by my mistakes.’

‘Goose.’ With a choked cry, Will closed the gap between them, pulling her roughly into his arms. ‘I thought you were in love with Josh.’

She shook her head and pressed her damp face into the curve of his neck.

A groan broke from him. He enfolded her against the wonderful warmth and strength of his chest and she could feel his heart knocking against hers.

‘I was so angry with Josh,’ he said. ‘I was scared he wouldn’t love you enough. Scared he wouldn’t try hard enough to make you happy and keep you happy.’

‘Oh, Will.’

‘We had a terrible row just before he took off in the plane.’

Lucy leaned back and looked up at him, saw horror and tenderness warring in his eyes. ‘How awful.’

‘I still feel sick every time I think of it.’

‘That’s a terrible burden to have carried all these years.’

‘Yes. I’ve blamed myself for a long time.’

She wanted to ease the pain in his eyes. ‘But it wasn’t your fault. Josh always made his own decisions.’

He nodded sadly. ‘Short of holding a gun to his head, I couldn’t have stopped him.’

Lucy shivered and took a step out of the comforting circle of Will’s arms. She thought about the way that one event had shaped their lives. Wished that her confession had brought her a sense of peace.

It would be too much to expect a similar avowal of love from Will.

‘It was nice of you to offer to court me,’ she said and she pressed a fist against her aching heart, as if somehow she could stop it from bleeding. ‘But if you don’t mind, I think I’d rather not go on those dates.’

‘But—’ Will began.

Lucy hurried on. ‘I think it would be better if we stick to friendship.’

‘Why?’

Why?
How could he ask that? After everything he’d had to say on the subject of friendship.

Lucy gave a shrug of annoyance. ‘We’ve managed very well as friends for a long time now.’

‘But you said you loved me.’

Oh, God.

Her heart stopped.

Will sent her a bewildered little smile. ‘You don’t have a monopoly on mistakes, Lucy.’

She felt rooted to the floor and her body flashed hot and cold. ‘What do you mean? Have you made mistakes?’

His smile tilted with faint irony. ‘Self delusion tops my list.’

Tears burned her eyes but she dashed them away because she wanted to see the raw emotion in Will’s face. She’d never seen anything more beautiful.

‘I’ve always cared about you, Lucy. I’ve always wanted to make you happy, but somehow—’ He gave a sad shake of his head. ‘Some
crazy
how—I couldn’t see what that caring really meant.’

His eyes shimmered brightly. ‘I made my first terrible mistake when you kissed me goodbye.’ He reached for her hand. ‘That was the kiss to end all kisses. I should have bound you to my side and never let you out of my sight. Instead, I was a fool, and I took off overseas.’

‘I didn’t know you liked that kiss,’ she whispered.

He gave an abrupt laugh. ‘I tried to tell myself I’d read
it wrongly. That maybe you were a particularly talented kisser, and that you kissed everyone that fabulously.’

‘Not a chance, Will.’

‘I spent far too much time on that first trip trying to forget you.’ He tucked a curl behind her ear. ‘I think that was about mistake number thirty-three.’

Lucy could hear the frantic beating of her heart and she realised the rain and the wind had stopped. ‘Were there any more mistakes?’

‘Dozens,’ he admitted with a rueful smile. ‘Every time I talked to you about friendship I was being an idiot.’

She felt the warmth of his fingers stroking her cheek. He touched her chin, lifted her face so that she was lost in the silver of his eyes. ‘We should have been talking about love, Lucy.’