The Broken Hearts Book Club (27 page)

‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to yet.’

I blew the balloon up, tied it with string and handed it to her.

‘Only let this go if you’re ready to move on. If you aren’t, then don’t.’

Her hands clasped the string tightly, anchoring the red balloon to earth while gusts of wind tried to prise it away from her.

‘C-can I say a few words first? That might help me see if I’m ready to do this or not.’

‘Whatever you need,’ I replied with a smile.

Diane took a deep breath as she readied herself to speak.

‘Oh Derek Simpson, you silly wazzock! First you go and die on me after forty bloody years then I find out you fathered a child. You always did know how to surprise me, didn’t you, to keep me on my toes and guessing what your next move might be. I certainly didn’t think you were capable of something like this.’

She stopped for a minute and twisted the string around her fingers, like she was considering her next words carefully. I watched with intrigue.

‘Emily wants to meet me, you know; she wants to find out what you were like as a person since she didn’t get the chance to know you like I did. I’ve thought long and hard about whether I’ll do it and if I do, what I’ll say to her. After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing I think I’ve finally figured it out.’

Diane looked up at the balloon bobbing around in the breeze and smiled, as though this had given her the answers she so desperately craved.

‘First I’ll tell her what you looked like; that you liked to think of yourself as Robert De Niro when really you were more like Albert Steptoe! Just kidding. Then I think I’ll tell her how you loved. Yeah that seems about right. I’ll say that when you loved, you did so with all your heart. That if someone ever needed help, you were right there offering to do whatever you could. I know that better than anyone else; you were helping out a mate the day you died on that bloody cricket pitch! I’ll mention how kind you were and that although your jokes were terrible, you were still the funniest man I knew. I’m going to tell her about all the ways you drove me up the wall, with your stubbornness and your inability to read a bloody map or find your glasses! But do you know what’ll be the most important thing I let Emily know?’

Her words caught in her throat and she turned to me with tears in her eyes. It broke my heart to see her so sad but I knew we were doing the right thing.

‘I… I-I’ll tell her that you were the best man in the world and that it’s a tragedy she didn’t get to know you, because you were the best father and husband anybody could want! And I’ll make sure she knows just how great a dad you would’ve been if you’d had the chance.’

I walked over to her and put my hand on her shoulder.

‘I’m letting you go now Derek. I’ll be keeping you in my heart and memory for as long as I live, but I need to start trying to build a life for myself again. I love you, you wazzock. Goodbye for now.’

Her hands opened and the balloon was carried away on the breeze. It rose higher and higher in the sky until it floated over the cliffs out of sight.

‘That was really nice Diane,’ I said, my words choked out in a hoarse little whisper. ‘How do you feel?’

She turned to look at me. ‘Like something new is about to start. Thanks for this Lucy. You don’t know how much I appreciate it.’

For the first time since I’d come back to Luna Bay, Diane genuinely smiled at me.

***

My little family unit – Mum, Dad, George and Elle – mounted numerous protests to get me not to go. They hid various items of clothing, my laptop, my phone and Elle even unpacked my suitcase for me.

‘Desperate times call for desperate measures,’ she said, staring up at me with innocent eyes while she sat on top of it.

‘Come on, you can help me with this.’ I motioned to her to get off the suitcase and opened it to start repacking. ‘Since you decided to put everything back in its place.’

‘Are you sure this is the right thing?’ she asked, rooting around in drawers for stuff she’d taken out. ‘Going back to London, I mean.’

‘I’ve caused nothing but trouble here Elle; of course it’s the right thing. I know I eventually helped the Broken Hearts Book Club, but look how much damage I did beforehand. I nearly alienated everyone, broke up a marriage and ruined a thirty-year friendship. Good going for a month, eh?’

She sighed and shook her head. ‘You really don’t see what you mean to people, do you? I came back from travelling still feeling like a sack of shit because of what happened, but as soon as I saw you again none of that mattered. You made me realise that I have to stop beating myself up and you didn’t judge me for still carrying it round with me after all this time.’

‘Because I’ve been carrying it around as well!’ I laughed, although nothing was funny. ‘I was in no position to judge anyone.’

Elle continued through gritted teeth. ‘Ever since you’ve been back in my life, I’ve been more confident, happier and at peace with myself. I spent eight years hating myself after what happened to Vicky, but you reminded me that I needed to give myself a break and put the past behind me. You need to do that yourself.’

I thought about telling her it wasn’t that easy, that the Vicky thing being public knowledge had changed everything and that I had to leave.

But I didn’t. Because I knew that wasn’t the real reason I was leaving. It was the easier reason, but deep down I knew it wasn’t true.

I was leaving to escape the broken heart that had been entirely of my own making.

Mum and Dad insisted on taking me out for a goodbye meal a few days before I was due to leave. Dad looked worse than ever, but promised us he was fine to come out for a while.

We went to a nice little seafood restaurant that sat a couple of miles outside Luna Bay. There was a distinctly sombre tinge to the affair, since they plainly didn’t want me to go.

We sat through plates of prawn cocktail, salmon fishcakes and mandarin cheesecake and talked about everything but my impending return to London. The weather, the Broken Hearts Book Club: everything was up for discussion apart from my departure. It was the elephant in the room and I could tell all of us wanted to say something about it. Especially Mum, who kept coming over all misty-eyed and excusing herself to go to the toilet to compose herself.

Around halfway through, Jake and Rachel walked in, looking as loved-up as ever. He was grinning like a schoolboy, but stopped as soon as his eyes met mine. She’d caught sight of me too and dragged him off to their table as soon as possible. I guessed their meal wouldn’t be a pleasant one now she’d seen him looking at me.

Near the end of the meal, Dad ordered an expensive bottle of champagne and stood to make a toast. Beads of sweat had formed on his brow and his skin was an odd grey colour. His breathing was laboured and he had to wipe his face with a napkin before he started to speak.

‘I know I promised there wouldn’t be any embarrassing speeches, but I just wanted to wish you every success in your new job in London. You know your mum and I would love you to stay here, but you have to do what makes you happy in life.’

I nodded and pursed my lips. I knew he was right, but I wasn’t sure moving back to London was following his advice. I’d had second, third and fourth thoughts but had managed to bat them away by reminding myself of the damage I’d caused and that Luna Bay would be better off without me.

All of a sudden, it became apparent something was very wrong. Dad gasped and began clutching his left arm, his face twisted into a painful grimace.

‘Dave, what’s wrong?’ Mum asked, her face draining of colour. ‘Are you all right?’

What followed next happened extremely quickly, yet somehow in slow motion too: Dad collapsing onto the floor, bodies swarming around him, then silence punctuated by a blood-curdling scream.

Chapter Twenty-Six

The doctors called it a myocardial infarction. What that basically meant was that, due to years of bad eating habits and stress, my dad’s heart had suddenly stopped pumping blood the way it was supposed to.

As soon as they’d got Dad to hospital, he’d been whisked off to the awaiting crash team who resuscitated him and then wheeled him off to theatre for surgery. The doctors didn’t know how long it would take and used terrifying words like ‘if’ and ‘maybe’ and ‘we’re doing everything we can’. I’d seen enough episodes of
Holby City
in my time to know that was no guarantee he’d pull through.

Mum and I clung to each other as we waited for news, tears running down our faces and small, scared sobs breaking free from our bodies. Elle and George were at home, waiting for us to call with news. The sounds of the hospital played out around us: the beeping of ECG machines, doctors being called on the Tannoy, trolleys with patients on them being pushed frantically from ward to ward. Life and death were happening right here, right now and the thought terrified me. There was a chance we’d never see my dad again. We might never get to tell him we loved him or share funny jokes again. I felt more scared than I’d ever been in my life.

‘Do you want anything, coffee or water or…?’ Mum trailed off when she failed to come up with anything else either of us could want beyond confirmation my dad was going to be OK. She was a natural planner, always wanting to help people.

I shook my head. ‘No, I’m fine thanks. How about you? Can I get you anything?’

I looked at her and swallowed hard. She looked like a zombie – pale, sallow skin and heavy circles around her eyes like all the life had been sapped from her. I felt my already strained nerves fray even more.

‘No, nothing for me.’ Her voice was a hoarse whisper because she’d been crying so much.

I looked at her and saw desperation etched into her face. I could see the need in her to be doing something –
anything
– that could be considered helpful. Her husband – the man she’d been married to for nearly thirty years – was in a critical condition and she had no idea what was happening to him or if she’d ever see him again. I couldn’t imagine how worried she was. My thoughts turned to the awful scene that had unfolded at the restaurant. Jake of all people had been the one to administer CPR while Mum phoned the ambulance and I looked on at the dreadful tableau unfolding in front of me. I’d been utterly useless, frozen in terror, and hated myself for it.

Just then, my eyes were drawn to a familiar figure coming down the corridor. Jake. When he saw me, he broke into a sprint and I stood up so he could throw his arms around me, holding so tight I could barely breathe. I let my body relax against his and loved the feeling of his arms around me. Then he let go all too quickly and turned his attention to my mum, giving her a comforting hug. Having him here felt reassuring; I now had someone I could turn to for support when I was trying to be strong for Mum. I wondered if Rachel had said anything about him coming to the hospital, but I realised it didn’t matter. What
did
matter was that he was here.

‘How is he?’ asked Jake.

‘We don’t know yet,’ I croaked. ‘He’s in surgery and we’re waiting for the doctor to come out and tell us what’s going on.’

‘Do you want me to see if I can find someone to ask? See if we can get an update?’

Without waiting for an answer, Jake walked off down the corridor.

Mum and I collapsed back onto the squeaky uncomfortable chairs and stared after him. I was utterly in awe. Not only had he dropped to his knees in a packed restaurant to administer CPR to my dad, he’d swooped in and totally taken control of the situation. A sense of calm began to spread through me, tinged with a sense of loss. Here was a wonderful man, taking care of me at one of the worst moments of my life, and he could’ve been mine if I’d been a bit braver. I felt so stupid for letting him go. Giving him up would haunt me for the rest of my life, that much I knew for certain.

When he returned to us, wearing a contented smile of a man who’d just got what he wanted, I had to stop my heart from leaping out of my chest. ‘A consultant will be down in a few minutes. Do you guys need anything? I could go down the canteen and pick up some food or a cup of coffee?’

I shook my head and Mum mumbled that she was fine too. Jake nodded and sat down next to me looking exhausted. An alarm went off somewhere and I jumped. In a blind panic, I looked wildly around myself to see where it had come from. I couldn’t get the image of my dad out of my mind. His friendly smile, kind eyes and easy demeanour were burned on my brain.

Please let him be OK.
I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them while I cried.

‘Hey, come here.’ Jake’s voice was so gentle and kind as he carefully prised me apart to put his arms around me. ‘Shh, it’s OK.’

‘I’m so scared,’ I wept into his shoulder. ‘What if he doesn’t make it?’ I kept my voice low, hoping Mum couldn’t hear me.

He stroked my hair and softly kissed the top of my head. ‘Don’t think like that. You’ll know more when the consultant comes to see you and I’ll stay as long as you need me to, OK? No questions asked.’

‘What about Rachel? Won’t she be angry that you’re here with me instead of at home with her? And Maya, she’ll need you won’t she?’ I sniffled and buried my head further into his chest.

‘Leave Rachel to me. If she’s got any issues with me coming to support a friend whose dad’s been taken ill, then I’ll deal with her.’

I strongly suspected she’d have a lot to say about her boyfriend rushing to his ex-girlfriend’s side, but I didn’t care. All I wanted to know was if my dad was going to be OK. I leaned into Jake, letting him run his fingers through my hair, stroke my shoulders and back and kiss my head every so often. It reminded me of what being with him had been like, but I couldn’t think about that right now. My dad was all that mattered. There couldn’t be a single thought in my head that didn’t revolve around him.

Just then, a man decked out from head to toe in teal blue scrubs came out to see us and took off his white surgical mask. I could see the beads of sweat on his brow, but his face was expressionless. I reached out and grabbed Mum’s hand, feeling her tremble.

‘Mr Harper is now in Recovery,’ he said with a reassuring smile. ‘The surgery went well – he’ll be in here for about a week so we can monitor him, but early indications are that he’s going to be fine.’