The Call of the Desert (15 page)

He’d had no clue about her adoption. From what she’d told him about herself years before he’d guessed she came from a solidly middle class background. When she hadn’t talked about family too much he’d just put it down to English reticence. The fact that she’d made that painful contact with her birth mother just before she’d come to Burquat was uncomfortable for him to dwell on.

For a second Kaden had a glimpse into how rudderless
he
might have felt if he hadn’t grown up knowing exactly where he’d come from. The sliver of isolation that washed through him at contemplating that scenario made him want to call Julia back, so that he could hold her close and never let her go again.

He immediately rejected that urge. His hand clenched to a fist.
This
was what he’d been avoiding ever since their wedding night. This rising tide of emotions that he refused to look at or acknowledge. The depth of passion on that night had stunned him. And that awful dream … which had obviously been precipitated by sleeping with Julia. Perhaps here in Burquat the memories were too close to avoid.

The truth was that when Julia touched him he became something else—someone else. It was too reminiscent of how she’d made him feel before. He’d never forget
that struggle with his father before he’d died. His total absorption in himself and meeting his own needs … and then the awful shock of seeing her with that man, the excoriating jealousy. Realising how much he’d lost sight of himself and who he was, who he had to be. Exactly what his father had warned him against.

Kaden strode over to the drinks cabinet, poured himself a measure of neat whisky and knocked it back. The burn made him reach for another one, as if that might douse the unquenchable desire, the tangled knot of feelings his wife so effortlessly evoked. He’d told himself that when he’d met her again in London he’d just wanted to bed her. And when she’d arrived to tell him about her pregnancy he’d thought only of the babies.

Now those assertions rang like the hollow untruths they were. Since he’d seen Julia again things had gone a lot deeper than he liked to admit.

The truth was, it was easier to avoid Julia and any chance of intimacy than face her and those grey eyes which made him feel as if he was coming apart at the seams every time he looked at her. Now more so than ever.

J
ULIA
was trembling with nerves by the time they pulled up in Kaden’s chauffeur-driven state car outside the hospital the following morning. She was dressed in a silvery grey long tunic, with matching pants underneath and a shawl to match. Her hair was tied back in a loose low bun, make-up and jewellery discreet. The tunic hid her pregnancy quite well—they’d agreed to wait another few days before making the announcement.

She took a deep shaky breath at the sight of the crowds amassed behind cordons, and then felt her hand being taken in a strong, warm grip. She almost closed her eyes for a second at the wave of longing that went through her. She turned to look at Kaden. His eyes were intent, compelling.

“I’ll be right by your side. Just be yourself. They won’t be able to help but respond to you.”

“But I’m not a public person, Kaden … I’ve given speeches to rooms full of archaeologists, but never anything like this. They’ll expect me to be something I’m not.”

Something fierce crossed Kaden’s face and he said, “They will accept you, Julia, because you’re my wife and I’ve chosen you.”

Julia felt sad, and pulled her hand away. She bit back the words trembling on her tongue.
You wouldn’t have chosen me if you’d had a choice.

Kaden’s door was opened then, and with a last look he got out. The crowd went wild. He wore long cream robes and a traditional headdress. Julia’s heart clenched amidst her trepidation. He reminded her so much in that moment of the young man she’d first met.

He was coming round the car. He’d instructed the driver to let him open her door. And then he was there, against the bright searing sun, holding out a hand. Julia took a deep breath and stepped out, clutching Kaden’s hand. The roar of the crowd dipped ominously.

Security guards shadowed them as they walked towards the hospital. Julia tried to smile, but the crowd was blurring into a sea of faces that all looked suspiciously unfriendly. She was reminded of the aides who had surrounded Kaden after his father’s death, when she hadn’t been able to get close to him. She stumbled slightly and his arm came around her waist.

“OK?”

She looked up. “Yes, fine.”

She drew on all her reserves as they got to the top of the steps and were greeted by officials from the hospital. They were exceedingly polite, but with a definite reserve. Kaden gave a short heartfelt speech about the new unit, which was specifically for heart disease, and then they turned towards the huge ribbon over the main doors.

Julia was handed a pair of scissors and cut it. Everyone clapped and cheered, but she couldn’t help but notice the reticence of the crowd ever since she’d appeared at Kaden’s side.

After being shown around inside by the doctors and officials they re-emerged, and Kaden led her towards the crowds. He said, “We’ll do a short walkabout. It’s expected.”

Urged forward, Julia went towards a little girl, who pushed forward shyly to hold out some flowers. She bent down and took them, saying thank you in their native language. But Julia noticed the mother pull the child back, her lips pursed in disapproval, eyes dark and hard.

Another woman who held a baby visibly turned away, and adjusted a shawl over the baby’s face so that Julia couldn’t see it. As if to protect it from her gaze. Amongst her shock at the people’s obvious rejection of her Julia felt a welling desire to have them look at her with open faces and smiles. She realised that she desperately wanted to be able to connect with them.

Kaden was taking her hand and pulling her back to the car. When they got in Julia was a little shell-shocked.

Kaden was grim as the car pulled away. “I’m sorry about that. They’re wary after Amira and my stepmother … they’ll come round.”

“It’s OK,” Julia replied faintly, feeling more hurt than she’d thought possible. She’d not even known till then how important the Burquati people’s opinion of her was. “I can understand that they wanted to see you with someone more suitable.”

Kaden was silent beside her, and Julia didn’t want to look at him and see disappointment in his second wife etched into his face.

When they got back to the palace Kaden stopped Julia and said, “I’ve got to go into the desert for a couple of days to meet with the newly elected Bedouin council.”

Julia looked at him against the backdrop of the magnificent
central courtyard and felt a hollowness echoing through her. This was how it would be between them. Distance and polite civility.

She nodded. “Fine. I’ll see you in a couple of days. I’ve got lessons to get on with in the meantime.”

Julia turned away, and Kaden had an irrational urge to grab her back, throw her into the car and drive them far away. He wanted to be going into the desert with
her
, the way they’d used to. Sneaking off like fugitives, spending nights in a hastily erected tent under the stars. No thought in the world beyond exploring each other and sating mutual desire. And talking for hours.

An ache welled up inside him, and this time he couldn’t ignore it. He had a sudden overwhelming need for those memories not to be tainted by what had happened twelve years before. For Julia to look at him the way she’d used to, with such open love and warmth. But the reality was clear. If Julia had ever had any feelings for him they were long gone. She was bound to him for ever, and she couldn’t help but hate him for that. He’d seen the way that woman in the crowd had shielded her baby from Julia, as if she were some sort of witch. And Julia had just smiled.

With a jerky move, Kaden got back into the car which would take him to a helicopter to fly him into the desert. In that moment he’d never felt such bleakness surround him, and pain for subjecting Julia to the cold disapproval of his people when he knew just how deep her vulnerability went.

As Kaden flew over the desert a short time later the helicopter dipped abruptly for a moment in an air pocket. The pilot apologised and Kaden smiled tightly.
That physical sensation mirrored exactly how he felt emotionally, and it wasn’t comfortable.

Julia spent the next two days working hard with her own secretary to encourage meetings with locals. She was determined to do what she could to bridge the gap, and wanted to avoid having any free time to brood about Kaden and the distance between them. She had to admit, though, that talking to him about her adoption had been cathartic. Thoughts of it and her birth mother no longer came with the heavy oppressive weight they’d used to.

To her delight she’d managed to set up a few coffee morning events at the palace, to meet with local women’s groups and dicuss various issues. Julia had always had an interest in the more anthropological end of archaeology, so the prospect of meeting Burquati people and coming to learn their customs excited her.

She was in the middle of her first coffee morning when she saw Kaden again, and she nearly dropped her cup. He stood in the doorway, tall and gorgeous in long robes, jaw dark with stubble. He’d obviously just returned. She could swear her heart physically clenched as she saw him again.

All the women immediately bowed and went silent.

He inclined his head. “I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you’re discussing far more important things than I will be at my cabinet meeting later.”

He smiled, but to Julia it looked slightly strained. His eyes skated over her, giving her no more nor less attention than the other women. The awful yearning for him to acknowledge her with more than that inclusive glance nearly overwhelmed her, and she had to shove the hurt down deep.

He left, and after a moment of pregnant silence the women started chattering in a mixture of English and Burquati. Julia had been struggling to connect with the women, who’d seemed very suspicious, but suddenly they were all smiles and laughs.

Her secretary smiled at her sympathetically, misreading her anguish. “Don’t worry. It’ll just take some time.”

Julia smiled wanly and went to join in again, feeling prickly because, if truth be told, she was jealous of these women. Kaden could come and charm them so effortlessly when he couldn’t even be bothered to touch her any more!

Julia was lying in bed that night, unable to sleep. Kaden hadn’t returned to their suite all evening, and she’d eaten dinner alone. She knew she couldn’t continue like this, with Kaden holding her at arm’s length and looking at her as if she might explode at any moment like a ticking bomb.

When she heard his familiar step she tensed. He came into the moonlit room, treading quietly.

Julia came up on one elbow and said huskily, “I’m awake.”

He stopped, and all she could see in the gloom was his huge shape. Predictably, despite her tangled head and emotions, her body reacted to the sight of him. Softening, melting.

She sat up and pulled her knees towards her to try and hide her agitation. “Why didn’t you come to dinner?”

Kaden started to disrobe. Julia could see gleaming flesh revealed bit by bit, and her belly clenched helplessly with desire.

His voice was cool. “I got held up with a phone call
to Sadiq, discussing the oil wells. They’re expecting a baby too. Not long after us.”

“Oh …” Julia didn’t know what to say. Kaden seemed to be determined to avoid any further discussion.

He came to the bed and lifted back the covers, getting in and lying down. Tension vibrated between them like a tangible thing.

Julia turned to face him, feeling her hair slip over her shoulders. “Kaden … we need to talk. It’s obvious that this isn’t working out.”

Kaden didn’t like the flare of panic. He’d been reacting all day to the gut-wrenchingly urgent need he’d had to see Julia immediately on his return from the desert. And then, when he had seen her, the relief had sent him away again just as quickly, for fear she’d read something into his reaction that he didn’t want her to see.

He felt as if he was clinging onto the last link that was rooting him in reality. That was rooting him in what he knew and had accepted for twelve long years. His distance from Julia for the past couple of days had restored some clarity, some perspective, and a sense that perhaps he wasn’t going mad … Except earlier, and now, it was back with a vengeance. Any illusion of control gone.

His whole body was rigid against the effortless pull of Julia beside him. Her soft scent was like a siren’s call to his blood. He turned his head and saw her outline: the slim shoulders, the curve of her breasts, the swell of her belly under the soft cotton of her vest. She wore vests and shorts to bed, attire he’d never seen another woman wear, and yet it inflamed him more than the slinkiest negligée he’d ever seen.

He turned away from temptation and forced out, “What isn’t working out?”

His clear reluctance to talk made the tiny flame of hope Julia had harboured that they might discuss this fade away. She was overwhelmed for a moment by the sense of futility, and lay down too. She said in a small voice, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

For a moment there was nothing but thick silence, and then, in a move so fast she gasped, Kaden was looming over her, eyes like black pools. “Tell me, Julia. What were you going to say?”

He was fierce, when only moments before his rigid control had been palpable. She smelt the slightest hint of whisky on his breath, and somehow suspecting that he was in some sort of turmoil too made her feel simultaneously tender and combative. And something in her exulted that he was finally reacting.

Before she could say anything, though, something in the atmosphere shifted and his fingers touched her throat. He said huskily, “You’re wearing the necklace.”

Julia froze all over, going clammy. Some of her things had arrived from London earlier and she’d found the necklace. She’d put it on, feeling some silly need to connect with something she’d always found comforting. She’d fully intended to take it off.

She immediately sought to protect herself from his scrutiny and drew back minutely. “It’s OK. You don’t have to get the wrong idea …”

His voice was a lot harsher than a moment ago. “What does it mean, Julia? Why have you kept it all this time?”

Julia knocked his hand away and scrambled inelegantly out of the bed, feeling far too vulnerable lying so close to a naked Kaden.

She lashed out in her own anger for exposing herself like this and in anger at Kaden for questioning her.
“I just saw it and put it on. It doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t know what this marriage is about. It’s about the fact that I’m pregnant with your precious heirs—nothing more, nothing less.”

Kaden uncoiled his big body from the bed and walked around to Julia. Acting on the irrational panic rising within her that she was about to come apart completely, Julia reached up and grabbed the necklace with her hand. She yanked at it, breaking the delicate chain instantly, and flung it aside onto the ground.

Inside she was weeping. Outwardly she hitched up her chin. “See? It means
nothing
.”

Kaden looked at where she’d thrown the necklace and then back to her. The air crackled between them. In an abrupt move he pulled her into his body and said fiercely, “You don’t have to resort to dramatics to make your point. I get the message. From now on there will be no doubt as to what this marriage is about.”

Julia closed her eyes as Kaden’s mouth fused to hers, his arms like a vice around her. Their bodies strained together. Tears burned the backs of her eyes, but she would not let Kaden see the helpless emotion. It was hot and overflowing, but as Kaden lowered her onto the bed and came down over her she shut her mind to all the mocking voices which told her that she was fooling no one but herself.

The following day Kaden was standing alone on an open terrace in the palace. He’d been having a meeting with an architect about the palace’s preservation, but the architect had long gone. The city of Burquat was laid out before him. Cranes dotted the skyline—evidence of much necessary modernisation.

Kaden didn’t see the view, though. His thoughts were inward. He smiled grimly to himself. He’d been right to fear touching Julia again. It was as if he’d known it would be the final catalyst in his coming undone. His own useless defence system had crashed and burned spectacularly last night, like a row of elaborate dominoes falling down with one small nudge.