Cate shook her head ‘okay’ and left to follow his instructions.
She chose a walk. She had spent a lot of her life walking and talking to the Lord. It always helped. It helped this day. She had been walking and praying for about two hours when she ran into David. He had been looking for her.
As he caught up with her, he asked, “Cate, are you all right?”
Still entangled in her thoughts about her mother and the chemo, Cate answered, “Yea, uh-huh.”
“Matthew told me about your mom and the treatments, and that he had given you the rest of the day off. He was worried about you so he called me.”
Somewhat bewildered, Cate responded,” He called you?”
“He knows that I have a special connection to your parents. He figured maybe I could commiserate with you and pray with you. It’s taken me an hour and a half to find you.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t heading in any particular direction. I was just walking and talking to the Lord.”
“I’m not scolding you, Cate. I’m just glad I finally found you. Is it okay if I walk with you? We don’t have to talk. I’d just like to walk with you.”
“Where’s Sarah?”
“She’s with Mrs. Garcia. She’s fine. We can walk as long as you want.”
Still amazed, Cate said, “I can’t believe Matthew sent you to look for me.”
“He was worried about you.”
Cate smiled, “He’s such a great guy.”
David looked away as he spoke, “Yeah, he is, and he loves you very much.”
“I know,” Cate said with a sigh.
Still looking away, David awkwardly said, “I love you too.” He paused slightly and continued, “I love your parents too.”
“I know you do.”
“I’m sorry your mom is going through all of this.”
Cate nodded in agreement and they walked several minutes in silence.
“David, my mom was always such a beautiful woman, so attractive, inside and out. Now, she has to deal with having part of her body removed. On the heels of that, she’s going to have to go through chemo and radiation that may make her tremendously sick. She’ll probably lose her appetite and her beautiful dark brown hair.”
She felt safe in sharing what she was thinking. David nodded and allowed her to keep talking without interrupting.
“And, Dad has to watch, as his precious wife goes through it all. I know that he would give anything if he could take her place. That’s the way I feel.”
David stopped and took her by the hand. This time he looked her in the eye as he said, “Cate, I know your mom well enough to know she’d rather be the one going through it all. You three are just alike. You love each other so much that you try to spare each other all the pain you can. The problem is, you can’t. I’m sure your mother has committed her trials to the Lord, and trusts His grace and strength to carry her through. And, I’m sure your dad is doing the same.”
“You’re right.” Cate squeezed his hand. “You’re exactly right. That’s what they told me.”
“Then, the question is, what have you decided to do? How have you decided to handle it?”
“The same way, but I have all of these feelings, these anxieties…”
“I know you do. Trusting God doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings contrary to that trust. It means that you choose to keep trusting God in spite of those feelings.”
“Sometimes it’s hard not to be overwhelmed by the feelings and the fears,” Cate said.
David decided to be just as honest with her as she had been with him. “I know; I’ve been there. I was there after Jenny died-and I was there when you married Justin.”
“David, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring all that up.”
“You didn’t; I did. And, I probably wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone else but you. Guys aren’t too good at talking about their feelings, you know, but, I wanted you to know that I understand what you’re going through.”
“Thanks, I appreciate the openness.”
“Also, I’ve found that it helps if you have someone to talk to, especially someone who’ll listen and not judge. I promise I’ll do that for you.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, who’d you talk to when Jenny died?”
“Dr. Patterson when I was here, my dad and your dad, when I got home,” David answered, as they started walking again.
“My dad?” Cate said, with surprise.
“Actually, I talked to your dad more than anyone else.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“It’s always been easy for me to talk to your dad. He always listens, non-judgmentally, and I respect his counsel.”
“Yeah, he
is
like that.”
“I’ve tried to follow his example.”
“I’m glad,” Cate said. “May I ask who you talked to when I left you for Justin?”
“Even before that, I talked to your dad. I trusted his advice. When the whole Justin thing began, I sought your dad’s counsel. When you decided to marry Justin, I didn’t talk to him as much. He was willing, but I felt funny talking to him about my feelings for you, and the whole Justin thing. I talked to my dad.”
“I never realized. I–I never knew. I…” Cate felt something inside, but didn’t know what she was feeling.
“I don’t doubt it. Your dad always considered confidentiality a sacred trust. That was one of the reasons people felt free to talk to him about their problems.”
“That’s true. Heaven knows I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t been able to talk to him and get his advice about things in my life.”
“Cate, since your dad’s not here, I’d like to be here for you, if you’ll let me.”
“As busy as you are? I’d be a burden.”
“Cate, you’re never a burden. Besides, I count on you for so very much concerning Sarah. What kind of person would I be if you couldn’t count on me now?
“David, I appreciate the offer, but I wouldn’t want to impose and besides, I have Matthew.”
“I know you have Matt, but I want you to know that you have me too, if you need me.”
“Thanks, I may take you up on that. You know my parents.”
“Yep, that’s why he sent me today.”
“It seems I’ve heard this before,” Cate gave a little laugh.
“Yep, but I think Matthew made a wise choice.”
“Me too,”
“Yep, you feel better about your mom and dad and I think we both understand each other a little better.”
“Thanks for finding me and talking with me.”
“You’re welcome,” David hugged her.
Cate felt very close to him at that moment and hugged him back. Neither seemed too embarrassed by the genuine affection they shared. As they continued to walk toward Cate’s house, small talk and laughter replaced the seriousness that had dominated the last hour. David left her much happier than he had found her. She went to sleep that night with a heart full of hope. She was confident she could face whatever the future held.
Fifteen
Throughout the next two weeks, Cate and her father emailed back and forth. Her mother seemed to be healing well from her surgery; she’d visited the oncologist’s office and made all of the necessary preparations for her chemo which would begin on the following Monday. Her dad had cleared his schedule so he could be with his wife through the duration of the first session. Cate was aware of how much her parents loved each other and how devoted her dad was to her mom. She was grateful for parents like that.
True to his word, her dad called as soon as the treatment was over and he reported that her mother had suffered no side effects. Cate’s mother took the phone and spoke with her. Cate was reassured when she realized how strong her voice was and how cheerful she seemed.
Over the next few weeks of emails, Cate learned that her mother would take eight chemo treatments in all, followed by radiation. Her chemo would be every two weeks. Everything seemed to be fine for the first month, but during the second month, the nausea, chills, fever, and lack of appetite began, and her mother began to lose her beautiful dark brown hair.
Each email from her father was both a comfort and a curse to Cate. The news from home comforted her, but each email telling of her mother’s suffering was also like an arrow piercing Cate’s heart. What she had feared was happening.
Cate suffered with her mother; she couldn’t help it. She struggled in prayer, with her fears and feeling. She repeatedly had to choose to have faith, to trust, and to lean upon the Lord. She prayed for her mother’s health and freedom from nausea, chills, fever, pain and that she would be able to eat.
During this time of struggle and identification with her mother, Cate wasn’t eating much, and it became very noticeable. Kim and Miss Janet wondered if she slept much. She didn’t go to bed until long after they had, and was up before they were. To their way of thinking, she couldn’t be sleeping much.
As far as school went, she was the same hard-working, caring teacher she had always been, but the children noticed that though she had always been slim, she was now skinny. Everyone, including Sarah, became concerned about her.
Matthew tried to be a comfort to Cate by listening and by sharing how he’d coped with his dad’s cancer. Matthew knew that Cate was trying to trust God day by day. He knew that she was praying constantly and relying on His strength, but he also knew there was something going on that he couldn’t identify. He decided to seek David’s advice.
“Dave, you’ve known Cate and her family a long time, and I know that you’ve been friends with Cate for quite some time. I need your advice; I don’t know how to help her. I listen, I try to comfort and encourage her, but, regardless of what I do, I can tell that she’s not eating or sleeping much,” Matthew’s voice held genuine concern.
“I know exactly what you’re saying. I try to do the same thing when she and I talk.”
“So what do we do? She looks so tired and thin,” Matthew said. “Kim and Janet think that she’s depressed.”
“I don’t think that’s it.”
“I don’t either. I think she’s so concerned about and sensitive to what her mother is going through that she’s going through it too.”
“I think you’re right, and I think she’s battling fears and feelings and choosing to have faith in God’s plan and purpose. But, the fears and feelings don’t go away simply because we choose faith. Sometimes they get stronger, and we have to continue to choose to have faith in God. I think that’s what’s going on with Cate,” David said.
Matthew nodded, “So, we have to choose faith too, faith that Cate’s going to be all right.”
“My friend, I think you’ve got something there.”
“But, it’s hard to watch her suffering the way she is,” Matthew said.
“Yeah, it is, but Cate and her mother have a very close, special relationship. I think that’s why she is identifying with her mother’s suffering so much, and not being able to be where she is, is hurting too.”
“I wish we could do something to make things easier for her.”
“Yeah, me too, even Sarah has said the same thing.”
“She did?”
“She sure did. She asked me what we could do to make Cate happy again. I told her we needed to pray for Cate and be nice to her. She told me that she was worried about Cate because she doesn’t smile as much as she used to.”
“I guess you’re right. We need to continue to pray for her and be nice to her. Maybe, the Lord will provide a solution,” Matthew said.
After Matthew left, David wished he had the answer to make things better for Cate, but there didn’t seem to be a simple answer. He had tried to quiet Matthew and Sarah’s concerns by assuring them that Cate would be all right. That’s what he’d said, and that’s what he hoped and prayed, but he wasn’t completely convinced. The ordeal had convinced him of one thing,
I still have feelings for Cate
.
He had ignored those feelings when he married Jenny. Jenny had always known about his feelings for Cate, but she also knew that he loved her and had chosen her. Their marriage had been a real marriage, a great marriage. But Jenny died, and Cate had come back in his life. He had not sought her out, nor had she sought him, but it had happened. He remembered the day she walked into his seminary class
, There she is, my first real love, the girl who callously broke my heart. I can’t believe she’s sitting in my class.
He had forgiven her long before this, but the memories were still there.
She also worked at his daughter’s preschool. It seemed that everywhere he turned, Cate was there. The more he was around Cate, the more he found himself pushing his feelings down. Even though he had become successful in his efforts, the feelings were still there, undeniably there, but the only one he’d admit it to was God, and he found himself reluctant to do that.
Because of her divorce, he didn’t see any future for them. The IMB would never continue the appointment of a missionary married to a divorced woman, and God had given him no indication that he was to serve Him in any way other than missions. Therefore, admitting his love for Cate to God, himself, or anyone else served no purpose. But it was there, deep in his heart, and it had been there for years; steady, unending, and strong. Seeing her in such pain and grief over her mother brought it to the forefront of his heart and mind. But, he had to ignore it, because now, there was Matthew-and Kim.
David knew that he had practically handed Cate to Matthew. When Matthew came to David for advice about a relationship with Cate, he had given his full blessing and encouragement. He had done this in the hopes that he could do as he had done before, turn his back on his feelings for Cate, and at the same time help a friend, and provide a godly partner for each of them.
Beginning a relationship with Kim was also part of the effort to turn his back on his feelings for Cate. Unfortunately nothing he had done had worked. Seeing Cate with Matthew hurt, and hurt badly. Being Matthew’s confidant concerning Cate was almost unbearable. David continued to pray fervently that God would take away his feelings for Cate.
Throughout the continuing weeks of her mother’s chemo, Cate continued confiding in both David and Matthew. Even though he was struggling, David continued to try to be there for Cate. Regardless of what he or Matthew did or said, Cate grew thinner and more tired.
It was so difficult for her to be so far away from her parents during the time of her mother’s illness. She admitted to Matthew and David that though the emails and phone calls were good, they were not as good as being there, and being able to see her mother, hug her mother, and talk to her parents.