The Cinderella Theorem (30 page)

“Yeah,
whatever, Calo. I’m willing to fit into any equation that will get us home.”

“Good.”
He nodded, smiling.

“What
do I need to do?”

Calo
took a deep breath, put his hand on my mouth and said, “Just listen. I’m in
love with you.”

My
eyes widened beyond mathematical parameters. I tried to exclaim, but Calo’s
hand was firm.

“I
fell in love with you by seeing your pictures in Arrivhall and reading the
reports your mother submitted to the papers about what you were doing. I
thought anyone with such a logical mindset would be the perfect worker at HEA,
a terrific Protector.”

What?
What?
WHAT?

This
was not at all equal to anything Calo had ever said about me. He had never
complimented my logic before. Usually, he hated it.

“Levi
and Tallis included you in my cell of unhappiness because they knew seeing you
work alone would make me sad. That I would want to be with you. That I would
want to take care of you.” He swallowed. “I lied to you. I told you instructing
you improves my mood, but really,
you
improve my mood. I love being
around you and seeing our world through your eyes. I love watching your passion
for our kingdom grow. I love you, Lily Elizabeth Sparrow.”

Calo
quickly removed his hand from my mouth and pressed his lips on mine, kissing
me. A warm, cinnamony feeling overcame the shock. Suddenly, I felt happier than
I’d ever been. I felt I would always be

Happily Ever After

“What
in the names of Pythagoras, Newton, and Descartes was that?” I shouted when Calo
took his lips off my mouth.

“I
can’t believe it!” Calo smiled and hugged me. “It worked!”

“Calo!”
I started to yell again, but became aware of the cheering all around us. We
were not in the dungeon passageways anymore. We were in a place full of
inexplicable sunlight. I could see Ella, Aven, Celdan, Colin and all the others
we had rescued in the crowd. Miranda and Doug were there along with my parents.

“What
happened?” I looked over to Calo.

He gave
me a big smile. “We did it!”

~~~

After
that, I didn’t have a moment alone with Calo for a week. There were five full
days of celebrating and the telling (and retelling) of the whole story.

My
mom hugged and cried all over me. My father walked about proudly, reminding
everyone his daughter had saved the story of Cinderella. If I was with him, I
pointed out I had vanished it in the first place. But if Ella was near she
would deny that and proclaim I was a true friend, I just didn’t know it at the
time and she was sorry she let things with Aven get so bad. She and Aven spent
the nights dancing and the days chatting, laughing, and planning in a secluded
corner.

Colin
and Celdan never let Calo out of their sight, calling him Redmond all the
while. Calo’s (evil, sadistic) grandmother tried to stay for the celebrations,
but she got so fed up the first evening that she left in a huff. Miranda
assured me that she wasn’t in danger of vanishing. The evil queen was happy to
have Celdan around to torment again.

After
the celebrations, when Grimm returned from being a statue and Ella’s
stepsisters truly accepted that Aven was still in love with Ella, things
returned to normal. Or at least what equated normal for Smythe’s SFL.

A
special delegation was sent to Uppish Senna to get my marble back. When they
returned, they said Tallis thought the whole thing was a joke and he never
meant to keep me in the dungeon for more than a few hours. He happily returned
my marble, which had to be degreased. Horrible little man and his greasy
sycophant.

My
parents worried about the fact that I was now living Happily Ever After. My
monitor worked and Miranda was assigned as my Happiologist. I had to go to a
special training to learn how to cope with my emotions now.
[60]
Mom told me no one had wanted me living Happily Ever After as a teenager.

“The
ups and downs of the teenage years are a dangerous time if you’re capable of
vanishing, which you are now,” she said one night, as we sat in the living room
on Marshall Road. “You’ll have to really guard against letting yourself get
down over little things. Like fights with friends or a boy who doesn’t like
you.”

“Mom.
That’s completely irrational.”

But
my mind kept replaying everything that happened in those last moments in the
passageway. Did Calo really love me? Or was he just trying to create a Happily
Ever After for us?

That’s
what he said in his official report. He testified my shoe reminded him of Ella
losing her glass (or gold) slipper. He stated that all the stuff about love was
just to make sure we were creating the conditions of a Happily Ever After. As
proof, he pointed out there were
no
reports about me from my mother. But
there were
numerous
reports from Calo, indicating that he disliked my
logic and rational mindset. He further stated he’d only kissed me so we’d
vanish back.

But
was that true? Calo didn’t have to make himself Happily Ever After. He just had
to get happy. And by the crazy logic of fairy tales, could I live Happily Ever
After if my “prince” didn’t really love me? Because I had become Happily Ever
After. I was this way
because
of what he said. Could Calo
lie
to
the magic? Could the magic know he was lying and still work?

I
felt deep in my mathematical core that it couldn’t work that way. He couldn’t
lie to the magic. In the fairy tales I’d studied, good was rewarded and bad was
punished. For crying out loud, Cinderella’s birds flew down and sang a song to
the prince just to prevent him from marrying the wrong girl. If the fairy tale
universe would go out of its way to make sure the right person got their
Happily Ever After, I don’t think they would just hand them out based on what a
person said.

I
had to conclude Calo had some feelings for me. And the last part of his speech
(
“You improve my mood. I love being around you and seeing our world through
your eyes. I love watching your passion for our kingdom grow. I love you, Lily
Elizabeth Sparrow.”
) had seemed sincere.

And
the kiss. Well, it was a
very
nice kiss. Not that I had anything to
compare it too, but, I mean, it
did
have some pretty amazing
consequences.

Besides,
I had other stuff to worry about. I had missed six days of school, including
the day I’d ditched, so I was behind on my homework. Mrs. Fox excitedly(!) let
me have an extension on my paper. That was rather beneficial since I needed to
change my whole assumption. I rewrote it and concluded that fairy tales
are
important to study because the characters end up happy and if you are happy,
you are normal. My friend Ella became a princess on her own terms, not a
“normal” thing to do, but it made her happy and being happy is the missing
variable in the equation of what is normal.

Of
course, I didn’t put the part about Ella in.

Mrs.
Fox loved the conclusion. She thought it was a unique perspective on the human
psyche and human emotions! I accepted the A and brought it home to show my
parents.
[61]

All
the equations in my life were adding up again. If I could only get the Calo
equation to balance, everything would be perfect. I decided not to talk to
anyone about the Calo problem. I would solve that on my own…or maybe I’d let
him help.

Copy of a letter intercepted
by agents at the Agency:

My
Lord Tallis –

May you be unhappy forever! Your Lordship will be
delighted to know that all is exactly on schedule. As–according to my plan–Lily
became more and more involved in the mystery of
The Candlemaker’s Daughter
, she found success and
satisfaction which lead
so
easily to happiness. I am now, my Lord
Tallis, able to report that Dear Princess Lily has reached Happily Ever After.
She is ripe for vanishing.

Your
willing and humble servant,

Levi

Read on for a sneak peak of Lily’s next adventure,
Calculating
Christmas
.

“What
exactly does ‘dress warmly’ mean?” I muttered to myself as I stood before my
closet. Sweater warm? Jacket warm? Mittens and scarf warm?

Should
I have checked a weather report for today? Does Smythe’s SFL even have weather
reports? Or weather, other than the changeable Fisher King weather? So far it
had always seemed the same to me (a nice 70 degrees or so), but I knew some
fairy tales had seasons and storms.

I
filed the issue away in my “Things to ask Calo” mental file, and smiled. I
would get to ask him some things today. I was finally going to see him!

Then
I checked myself, a little embarrassed at how giddy I’d become. “Rational and
logical,” I said. “Rational and logical.”

Rationally
and logically, I chose to wear a pair of jeans, a sweater combined with a
thermal undershirt, and my sneakers. A perfectly warm outfit.

I
redid my ponytail, grabbed my marble off the dresser and portaled over to the
kingdom. Beryl handed me a baggie of pretzels as I hopped on my bike. I’d
become quite adept at eating pretzels and riding my bike at the same time. One
of the many non-mathematical skills I’d acquired since becoming (or rather
finding out I was) the princess of E. G. Smythe’s Salty Fire Land.

But
in this equation, being a princess does not equal wearing fluffy dresses,
practicing dancing, and marrying a prince. It does equal working at HEA after
school, having a father who is alive instead of dead, and dealing with fairy
tale people in a myriad of situations. So it’s sort of a modern princess thing.
Although, I have worn a fluffy dress or two, danced in magic shoes, and am
currently living Happily Ever After as a direct result of kissing a (handsome)
prince. (Yes, Calo does = handsome.)

“Rational
and logical,” I muttered again and focused on getting to work on time.

Calo
was standing beside my desk when I got to our cubicle. His dark curls were
tousled across his forehead. Tousled? Tousled? I turned the word over in my
mind. Ever since I had enacted the quest clause a few weeks ago, some residual
vocabulary cropped up. Grimm said it would fade over time.

I
smiled at Calo, trying to be rational and logical, of course.

He
did not return my smile. In fact, he looked annoyed.

“I
thought I told you to dress warmly.” He walked past me and out of the cubicle. “Come
on. We don’t have all day.”

Grimm
frowned at me as we entered his office. “I thought you were going to tell Lily
to dress warmly.”

Calo
huffed as he sat down. “I did.”

“I dressed
warmly!” My voice was louder than I’d intended it to be. “This is warm.” I
pulled at my sweater. “I’m wearing a sweater and a thermal undershirt, plus
jeans, and sensible shoes.” I plopped down in my chair. “This is warmer than
what would normally be worn in October.”

Calo
rolled his eyes. “Where we’re going we need to be dressed much warmer than an
extra shirt.”

“It’s
not just an extra shirt!”

“Alright,
you two.” Grimm calmly held his hand up. “I’m sure there’s something for Lily
to wear in Wardrobe or maybe even in lost and found.”

“Or
maybe she could just summon her fairy godmother and wish herself a parka and
snow boots.”

I
rolled my eyes. Leave it to me to get the one Non-Charming Prince Charming in
the fairy tale world. And was there something wrong with using your fairy
godmother? (I did feel a little weird for thinking that. After all, I had only
used my fairy godmother twice and both times, it felt a little unethical, but
still who was
Prince
Calo to judge me?)

“Enough,”
Grimm said firmly. “I want to explain this assignment to you both. I hope you
understand that it is vitally important this case be handled with extreme
delicacy and caution. This is a very unique situation that we are faced with
and if we fail, there will be dire consequences for not only E. G. Smythe’s
Salty Fire Land, but for the real world as well.”

“For
the real world as well?”

Grimm
nodded. “Carole Claus needs some space from her family.”

Calo
raised his eyebrows and then returned to his professional attitude of
listening.

“Who’s
Carole Claus?” I asked.

“Santa
Claus’ daughter,” Grimm sipped his coffee.

“Have
we found her a suitable foster home?” Calo took a small notepad out of his
pocket and a pen off of Grimm’s desk.

Grimm
nodded. “Yes, the—”

“Wait,”
I interrupted, leaning forward. “Santa Claus exists
and
he has a
daughter?”

“And
two sons.” Grimm smiled kindly.

“Okay.
If she’s unhappy, why aren’t we just cheering her up? Why are we moving her
out? And does Santa Claus even count as a fairy tale?”

“He’s
a legend. And I didn’t say she was unhappy, Lily. I said she needed space from
her family.”

Calo
made a coughing noise.

“Oh.”
I felt my face getting warm with embarrassment. You would think I would
eventually learn to wait until all of the illogical fairy tale stuff had been
explained before I started asking questions. “Why don’t you finish your brief?”

Grimm
chuckled and went on. “As I was saying, the Sparrow family has offered to
welcome Carole into their home.”

“Oh,
that’ll be great,” Calo said sincerely as I processed that last piece of data.

“What
Sparrow family?
My
Sparrow family?”

“Lily,”
Calo hissed, wanting me to be quiet.

“Yes,”
Grimm nodded. “Your Sparrow family.”

“She’s
going to live in our house or in our castle?” I ignored Calo’s look and kept
interrupting.

“Carole
will be living on Marshall Road in your house, Lily. She will enroll in
Franklin High School and hopefully be able to get the normal teenage experience
she’s looking for.”

“What’s
the cover story going to be?” Calo’s notepad was filling up.

I
looked back and forth between them. How could they calmly be discussing a total
stranger moving into my house? And going to my school?