The Clue of the Linoleum Lederhosen (10 page)

I would like to take a moment to point out to those Hollywood actionmongers in their double-breasted suits and their hip, sticky-uppy hairdos—those Sunset Boulevard “dream weavers” with their endless car chases, relentless gunplay, Ninja kicks, shattering windows, bombings, bazookas, back-alley fisticuffs, flipping cop cars, and sultry ballads to the helicopter—I would like to point out to
you,
sirs, that here we have a scene of incredible suspense and terror (I, for one, have not been able to go to the bathroom for the two days it has taken me to write this page) that consists
entirely of some guy lying absolutely still in a pretty mountain pasture for seven hours.

What do you say to
that,
my Tinseltown friends?

Hm?

*
Are you trying to tell me that a paragraph that uses phrases like “histamines and immunoglobulin E” might not be very, um,
interesting}

But, um, of course, that really isn't what Jasper himself was thinking about.

Jasper himself was not excited about his entertainment potential.

He was, instead, lying, head upside down, on the edge of a cliff, trying not to twitch. From the northern dome of his skull, the slow ice age had begun to creep in earnest. The mucus had begun to harden in ridges and clots. He could feel the snot form stalactites and stalagmites, blocking passages while his tiny breaths wandered like lost spelunkers through nasal caverns. His every breath clambered and squelched through his nostrils.

Finally, he started gagging. One nostril was entirely clogged. Corked. Only a tiny crack
admitted air to the other nostril. He could hardly breathe. He was beginning to panic.

Jasper turned his head gradually … gradually …

He pressed his nose against the granite, shutting his one free nostril.

With all passages blocked, he tried desperately to blow the clog out of his other nostril.

The snake, happily dreaming of ancient religions where snakes were hand-fed hard-boiled eggs by nuns in chain mail, sighed, licked its thin lips, and shifted in the warm sun on Jasper's back.

Trembling, Jasper forced air behind the plug. He closed his eyes. Veins stood out on his forehead.

Nothing. The snot would not budge.

He relaxed. He opened his eyes.

His breath whined—a tiny trickle—through the one remaining nostril.

Upside down, he looked across the chasm he lay next to. On the other side of it, there was a meadow full of Queen Anne's lace.

He was not allergic in the slightest to Queen Anne's lace.

So Jasper Dash, Boy Technonaut, lay there staring longingly at the Queen Anne's lace, and thinking how sweet life would be, how perfect in almost every detail, if he could only be bound and gagged with a deadly snake sleeping on him over in
that
meadow.

That, he thought, would make him the happiest boy alive.

Which goes to show you that everything is relative.

“I cannot imagine being anywhere worse than this buffet,” said one of the Cutesy Dell Twins to Katie.

“No way,” Katie agreed.

“Maybe being stuck in some stupid cave,” said the other Twin, who then shivered, momentarily bewildered by a stray image in her brain that was actually from a previous life two thousand years before, in which she and her sister had been priestesses and had had to dress in weird metal clothes and hand-feed eggs to serpents.

Katie, the Cutesy Dell Twins, and Lily sat at a table in the grand dining hall of the hotel. Around them, men were dressed in black bow
ties and starched collars, and women wore glittering dresses. Some ladies wore peacock feathers in their head scarves. There was talking and champagne. A jazz band—Dix Wickerbasket and His Amazing Dix-Chords—played old dance tunes.

Katie was anxious for several reasons. She still hadn't told Lily that she'd actually heard the theft of Mrs. Mandrake's necklace. Also, she really wanted the Cutesy Dell Twins to like Lily and Jasper. But Lily was acting very shy, and Jasper hadn't come back for dinner.

Outside the windows it was still light, even though it was eight o'clock in the evening. The sun was just starting to go down over the mountains. It glittered on the rivers and highways far, far beneath them.

“So you spent the day with Eddie Wax?” said one of the Cutesy Dell Twins to Lily.

“Yes,” she said. She didn't want to say any more.

“What did you think of him?”

Katie watched Lily's face. She could tell Lily wanted to say the right thing—but that Lily also didn't want to be mean. “He was nice,” said Lily, who thought again, and then admitted, “He talked about his horse a lot.”

The Twins exchanged glances. “Oh yeah,” they said. “Yeah.”

One of them said, as if innocent, “So you think he's cute?”

“Yeah, cute?” asked the other one.

Lily froze. “He has nice … freckles,” she said. “But he's … he … talks … about…” She stopped.

The Twins both leaned forward. “He is completely crazy,” said one.

“Koo-koo loco,” said the other.

Lily said, “I've actually only read one of his books. And then met him today. I don't really know him well.”

One of the Twins touched her nose, as if to say, “Right on the nose.” She said, “He
only has one book.”

The other Twin explained, “He
thinks
he was
the star of a horse book series. But he wasn't. That's just what he dreamed of. In fact…
Stumpy Rides to Glory,
his book—it was one of those
DEAD HORSE books”

“You know? Like the dead dog books?”

“Or the dead deer books?”

“It was a total dead horse book.”

Lily nodded. “That's what I thought I remembered. Stumpy … something happened to Stumpy the horse, didn't it?”

The Twins nodded. “Caught a weird horse disease saving orphans in a hailstorm,” they said.

“After the book, someone had the horse stuffed and they took it around to libraries to show kids.”

“On
wheels.”

“It made the worst squeaking noise. The axles were totally amateur.”

“My sister the perfectionist!”

Suddenly Rick loomed over them. He said, “Hi there, Lily! I see you found your friends.”

Katie dropped her fork. The voice …

“One of my friends isn't back yet,” said Lily.

“That's too bad,” said Rick. “Hey, I had a great time today. Didn't you?”

Lily shrugged. “It was okay,” she said uneasily. “I mean, we were looking for those kids who are in danger …”

“But it was such a great opportunity to get to know a wonderful lady like Mrs. Mandrake.”

Rick's voice sounded a little bit like the assistant manager in a second-rate electronics store that specialized in phone adapters.

Katie forgot she was not supposed to be solving mysteries. In that instant, she knew just one thing: This man was the burglar. She rose from her seat and pointed at Rick.
“You
stole that necklace!” she said. “I know the sound of your voice! I'd know your voice anywhere! I heard you talking while you searched the room!”

“I think you must be mistaken, young lady,” said Rick.

“I am not mistaken,” she said, still pointing at him. “I heard you!”

“I was with Lily all afternoon,” said the man.

“It was you!”

He laughed. “Oh, what? Maybe my ‘astral self' projected out of my body through some kind of thought control?” He chuckled. “That's really not very likely, kid. Dream on. Great suggestion.”

“He honestly was with me all afternoon,” said Lily quietly.

“You snuck into that old woman's room when people from the search parties were coming in to go to the bathroom!”

“I didn't go near the bathrooms,” said Rick.

Lily said, “He really didn't, Katie.”

“I held it,” said Rick, not without pride. “I waited outside.”

“I know you stole that necklace,” said Katie.

He nodded and reached across the table and patted her on the head. “I'm sure you think so, kid.”

“Don't be
—
don't
—
Don't you think you'll get away with it!”
Helplessly outraged at crime despite herself, Katie rose and, pointing again, announced to the whole dining room,
“THIS MAN STOLE THE MANDRAKE NECKLACE!”

There was silence. People looked up from their meals.

People put down their napkins.

Still silence.

Rick cleared his throat. People waited for an explanation.

He said, “I was with Lily, Mrs. Mandrake, and that horse kid.”

Mrs. Mandrake said, “It is true. This gentleman marauded me all afternoon without cease. He could not have stolen my necklace from my room while we walked together. That appears to be one of the only benefits of spending time with him.”

Katie felt faint. Everyone was looking at her. Everyone was staring at their table.

The Cutesy Dell Twins were mortified. One of them said to the other, “Okay. Do you want to die first or me?”