The Clue of the Linoleum Lederhosen (11 page)

Katie wanted to hide under the table. Lily reached out and held her friend's hand tightly.

Everyone wondered what to do at this awkward moment.

Sid, the hotel manager, standing at the back of the dining room, called nervously,
“MUSIC! MUSIC! HOW ABOUT MORE MUSIC?”

The diners looked around, startled. Someone in the band picked up a trombone. Everyone clapped as the band began playing and a singer swept out onstage in a beautiful silk gown, a marcel wave in her hair, and grasped the microphone.

Rick smiled at Katie and walked off.

“I know I heard him,” said Katie.

“Or someone who sounded like him,” said one of the Twins sharply.

“Okay, I'm going under the table now,” said
the other Twin, “and I'm only coming up when there's more normalness to breathe.”

Lily still held Katie's hand. “I believe you,” she said. Katie blinked back tears, looking at her old friend, faithful even now.

In between blinks, she saw the Twins disappear.

Katie said, “I swore I wasn't going to solve any mysteries this weekend.”

“Don't worry,” said Lily, determined. “We'll figure it out.”

“I don't want to figure it out.” Katie's voice was high and wiry, and filled with tears. “I dressed up specially for tonight.”

“You look really nice,” said Lily.

“Thanks,” said Katie, but she didn't really mean it, because she didn't feel very pretty right then.

“Katie,” urged Lily, and she didn't need to say anything else.

Katie wiped at her eyes.

At a nearby table, Rick stretched himself
and lit a cigar. The Dix-Chords blared the introduction to some song.

Outside, the sun was going down, and Katie and Lily sat miserably alone at their table while the Cutesy Dell Twins crawled toward the water polo team's feed trough. The setting sun cast great corridors of light through the mountains and the windows, and the brass flashed up onstage, and the beautiful singer began, to the tinkling of the piano:

“They say the earth has oxygen
Enough for twenty billion men
And for their twenty billion gals
And assorted pets and pals.

“But, dear, though there is always air
—
Whenever you are standing there
About to close me in your grasp
All I do is swoon and gasp …
Because…

“I'm brrrreathless whenever you're near…”

The band picked up the pace. People got up to dance. Katie heard a hideous high-pitched shrieking noise and looked over. Dr. Schmeltzer was dancing with Mrs. Mandrake. He screamed the whole time to echolocate other couples. His mouth was big and oval and ugly, but he actually was pretty good at the fox-trot.

“My knees get weak
My elbows creak
I tremble as in fear.
I get all shy
Though you're my guy
I'm breathless whenever you're near.”

People, unsettled by Katie's accusation, still stared over at their table.

“I wish Jasper were here,” muttered Katie.

Breathless, Jasper lay on the mountainside, held up by a sapling, tied to a chair, choking, with a venomous snake coiled on his back.

His breathing had been whittled down almost to nothing—a tiny screeching whistle.

That high, faint whistle was all that stood between him and death.

His muscles were sore from holding himself still all day. Rocks had dug into his arms and hands. He trembled with exhaustion.

Soon,
he thought,
by Jupiter… soon …

The sun was going down over the mountains. Ten minutes more, maybe, and the snake would wake up. Ten minutes more, and it would slither home, and Jasper could start to work off
the ropes, rip off the tape, and then … Almost with tears, he thought of the glory, the freedom, the splendor, of picking his nose.

He thought of this, lying prone, looking up at the ruddy sunlight falling on the mountain. Only ten more minutes.

But then, with a small
tic,
the last passage into Jasper's nostril sealed up.

Jasper Dash was entombed in his own mucus.

He struggled without moving his body. The silver tape heaved around his mouth. His head lifted and dropped.

He couldn't believe it—only a few minutes more—and now—his lungs—they felt so hideously empty …

“My throat gets frogged

My nose gets clogged

My eyes, they burn and tear.

I gasp for air

I claw my hair

I get brrrrrreathless whenever you're near.
”

“Wow,” said Katie. “This song really makes you want to breathe freely, doesn't it?”

“Shouldn't Jasper be back by now?” said Lily. “I hope he's okay.”

Jasper couldn't help it. His body needed air.

A twitch, at first… his head bucking … the tape flexing over his clamped mouth …

The serpent, irritated, began to stir.

Jasper tried to hold himself still… but clamor was everywhere within him.

He began to thrash. The ropes held him fast.

Lashed to the chair, he bucked back and forth—the asp toppled to one side—and, groggy, hissed—Jasper helplessly beat against the ground—losing hope—losing breath—losing consciousness—the snake, angry, raised its fanged head—

Jasper—seeing stars—began to pass out—

The snake lunged at his throat.

“I retch and drool
My liquids pool
My pupils disappear.
My jaw just flaps
My lungs collapse
I get brrrreathless whenever you're near—

“I gag and fall
And voiceless call
For an ambulance to appear.
I cough and back
—
You slap my back
—
But though you smack
I fade to black
—
Each alveolar sac

Completely slack
—
For I go BREATHLESS,
So totally BREATHLESS,
So helplessly BREATHLESS
WHEN—E VER— YOU'RE—
   NEEEARRRRRRRRRR!”

Everyone burst into applause.
It was a delightful evening.

Jasper—his senses fading—saw the serpentine head approaching his throat in slow motion—whipped his chaired body as hard as he could away—away—away.

And went tumbling off the cliff.

He was unable to scream as he fell.

Dessert usually is fun. It was not fun that evening, however, for Katie and Lily. They felt as if everyone was still staring at them because of Katie's accusation. The Black Forest cake seemed dry. The New York cheesecake tasted more like Delaware.

While the girls forced themselves to eat dessert, they had to listen to the Cutesy Dell Twins and the water polo team across the room laugh heartily at all kinds of jokes no one else could hear. Katie had to see the Cutesy Dell Twins looking at her and whispering. They had to watch Dr. Schmeltzer get served plate after plate of mosquitoes, which he ate with gusto like popcorn shrimp.

They heard Mrs. Mandrake say in passing, “There's that little girl who made the big fuss.”

“Don't listen,” whispered Lily, but it was too late. Katie had heard.

After that, the two girls sat on either side of the table, not eating. Katie didn't like being called a “little girl.” She felt like everyone thought she was an idiot.

“I believe that you really heard the thief,” said Lily. “Even though you didn't…” She trailed off.

“What?” said Katie.

Lily shrugged.

“You mean I didn't say anything to you,” said Katie.

“Yeah,” said Lily. “I didn't know you heard anything. Until just now.”

Katie looked at her friend. She wished, in a funny kind of way, that Lily would get angry with her. She wished Lily would yell at her for not saying something about the robbery earlier.

They sat there, not talking about the crime
for several minutes. This would have been a great time for them to review motive, means, and opportunity—those three essential things that a good detective has to establish about every crime. It would have been a good time for them to discuss the
motive
for kidnapping the Quints and then stealing the necklace—and whether the same person even committed both crimes, or whether the crimes weren't related. It would have been a great time to discuss who had the
opportunity
to commit each crime. It also would have been a super chance to ask who would bother to send out mysterious invitations to a free dinner which was not, in fact, free, but $21.95 a head.