The Cowboy's City Girl (14 page)

Beatrice's thoughts stalled. Hadn't she decided to trust God to take her to the place she needed to be?
God, forgive me my wayward thoughts and guide me to my expected end
. She tried to envision that as a woman earning her own living, proving her worth, but the plan faded until she couldn't see it clearly anymore.

Big Sam finished reading and closed the Bible. “You've all heard Maisie say it but I believe it bears repeating. God can be trusted to guide us even through surprising and unexpected circumstances.”

“Amen,” Tanner said and earned himself an adoring look from his wife.

Big Sam continued. “Often we fight against surprises and think we've made a mistake when rather we need to stop and pray and seek God's will in a situation.” The simple service ended in prayer.

The men moved off and conferred with one another.

“Big Sam is worried about the mischief that has been going on here,” Maisie said.

Beatrice's gaze followed Levi across the yard. When he disappeared into the barn, her heart continued to follow him.

She shook her head. Romance and heart-rending love was not in her carefully planned future. Planned by whom? A doubt crept into her mind. Was it God's expected end for her? If Levi came to her and confessed the same kind of love she saw between his brothers and their wives, what would she do? She brushed her skirts as if they were dusty. They weren't. She simply needed to keep her attention on something she could touch and see.

Levi would never let himself fall in love with an incompetent city girl.

But if he did?

She couldn't answer the question.

* * *

Levi followed his pa and brothers to the new set of corrals. He would not glance back to see if Beatrice noticed him leaving, perhaps even regretted it, but the effort to keep his face forward made his neck hurt.

He'd noticed how she'd hung back as if she didn't want to be part of the family gathering. Part of him resented her attitude but a much larger part wanted to draw her into the family, let her see how welcomed she'd be, how she'd fit in like a missing member if she would let herself do so. But the stubborn set of her chin let him know that she wanted only to follow her own plans. He vowed he would not think of her the rest of the day.

“Have either of you seen any sort of mischief like we have?” Big Sam asked of Levi's brothers after he'd filled them in to what was going on at the ranch.

The brothers said they had not.

Big Sam thumped his fist to the top plank of the fence. “I don't like it. What is the purpose of all this?”

Tanner studied Levi. “Sounds personal to me. What have you done to offend someone?”

The question brought Levi's full attention to the conversation. “Me? You're the one who always used to walk around with a chip on your shoulder looking for someone to be mad at.”

Tanner shrugged. “You've got the wrong man in mind.”

Levi and Johnny looked at each other and chuckled. It was true. Since Tanner had met Susanne, the chip on his shoulder had vanished.

Big Sam held up a hand. “Let's concentrate on the matter at hand.”

The brothers nodded. For the next few minutes, they tried to think why anyone would want to bother the ranch, but no one could come up with anything that made sense.

“Looks like the women are putting out the meal,” Tanner said, and the men all looked that direction. Both Johnny and Tanner hurried to help their wives.

Levi hesitated about five seconds, then trotted toward the house, catching Beatrice just as she reached the door. “Can I help carry anything?”

“Yes, please.” She handed him a box of dishes.

“What do you think of my family?” he asked.

“There's lots of them.”

He tipped his head back and laughed. “Must seem like it to an only child. To me, too. Until a few months ago I had only two brothers. Now look at the family. How is Dolly doing?”

“She was sitting close to Maisie when I left.” Her expression grew troubled. “I hope she doesn't find it all too overwhelming.”

“We'll keep an eye on her and make sure she's okay.” He liked the way Beatrice's eyes filled with sunshine at his offer to help.

“Maybe playing with the others will help her find her voice again.” She took a full platter and a bowl of potato salad and they headed back to the others.

Soon a tablecloth was spread and food laid out. The children sat with their parents. Dolly sat between Levi and Beatrice. He caught a knowing glance between Johnny and Tanner and they each flashed a grin at him. He wanted to warn them not to tease Beatrice. She wasn't used to brothers or sisters and wouldn't know how to respond.

When Big Sam got to his feet, Levi removed his hat and tossed it to the side as his pa prayed.

It took a few minutes to pass the food around. He laughed at Beatrice's wide-eyed wonder at all the food. Baked beans, mustard beans, sliced meat, potato salad, bean salad, coleslaw, buns so light they could almost float and pickles galore.

“It looks like everyone has had good gardens,” he said by way of explanation to Beatrice, but it set off a flurry of comments about garden produce, the best way to pickle beets and how soon they should dig the root vegetables.

He glanced at Beatrice, saw the confusion in her eyes and chuckled. He leaned close so she alone heard his words. “Don't look so surprised.”

“I'm amazed and overwhelmed. I had no idea there were so many things to learn about living in the country.”

He sensed her discouragement and wanted to ease it. “That's the key.”

Her eyebrows rose, asking for clarification.

“Everything is learned.”

“I suppose so, but I can't hope to ever catch up to all this.” She tipped her head toward the food to indicate what she meant.

“Don't sell yourself short. You've already learned a lot.”

She shrugged and he knew she was unconvinced.

“Levi,” Tanner called, “how is Charlie doing? Until I saw him over by the bunkhouse, I haven't seen him since he staggered to Susanne's farm and frightened her.”

The others demanded an explanation and between Tanner and Susanne they told an amusing story of Susanne keeping guard at the farm, not knowing if Charlie was friend or foe.

Tanner chuckled. “She stood guard with a rifle but didn't have the gun loaded.” His gaze went adoringly to Susanne. “After that I made sure she had a few lessons in handling guns.”

The way Susanne blushed, Levi wondered if the lessons had included more than loading and discharging a firearm. Maybe he should teach Beatrice how to shoot.

Dolly pressed hard to his side. He saw the fear in her eyes and the warning in Beatrice's gaze and guided the conversation to talk of the horses and the gardens.

“I tried to convince Charlie to join us for the meal,” Maisie said. “But he said he didn't want to intrude.”

“He's family. It wouldn't be an intrusion,” Big Sam said.

Beatrice pushed to her feet. “I'll go get the cake.” Levi's sisters-in-law produced pies and cookies.

Levi watched Beatrice go. Had Maisie's comment about Charlie intruding made her feel out of place? Would it look odd for him to follow her and assure her she belonged? If she wanted to.

He might have gone despite the speculation that his leaving would bring, except Dolly sat so close. He put an arm about her and drew her to his knee. He realized his brothers watched him with undue interest.

Let them think what they wanted. He only meant to comfort a frightened little girl.

Beatrice returned carrying a cake covered in chocolate icing.

Chocolate. His mouth watered.

She cut the cake into enough pieces for everyone to have some, placed slices on small plates and passed them around.

“Umm, this is good,” he said, after one bite. “My favorite cake. Thank you.” He ignored the teasing looks from his brothers.

“It's my first attempt at baking a cake,” she admitted then glanced around, perhaps slightly regretful that she had admitted it.

“I would have never known,” Susanne said.

“Nor I,” Willow added. “It's delicious and so tender.”

“It's good,” Celia and Liz both said.

The children all chorused their approval.

Beatrice's cheeks were pink but she looked pleased at the praise. “I didn't do it myself. Maisie and Dolly helped me.”

Another round of approval for the little girl's contribution.

Dolly hid her face against his shoulder but not before Levi saw her smile.

He felt Tanner watching him. Tanner looked from Levi to Beatrice to Dolly and his gaze came back to Levi.

Something in his eyes told Levi he thought he saw something special. Levi could have told him he didn't. Not that he expected Tanner would believe him if he didn't want to.

The truth was he was finding it harder and harder to believe it himself.

Once the pies and cookies had been shared, the women began to gather up the dirty dishes and left-over food.

He rose to help Beatrice.

“I have something for you.” Willow stood before him.

“Really?” He tried to think what it could be but came up blank.

She reached into her pocket and withdrew a bit of red-and-white fabric. She shook it out.

His lungs froze. It was the bandana that Helen had often worn. “Where did you find that?” The words croaked from his throat.

“It was shoved behind a shelf. I guess no one noticed it.” She handed it to him.

He couldn't remember lifting his arm and taking it but the bandana lay across his palm. It was worn on the corners, frayed along one edge. Helen had always worn it when out riding.

But never in town. When in town, she dressed more ladylike, as if she didn't want people to associate her with the ranch.

As if she wanted to be something other than what she was.

Just as she wanted Levi to pretend he didn't know her when they were both in town.

She'd worn it about her neck when she'd told him they could only be friends in secret.

She'd made him feel less than a person, less than a man.

Only a shameful half-breed.

He stuffed the bandana into his pocket. “Thanks,” he managed to say, though it wasn't thanks he felt. He did not welcome the reminder of who Helen was or how she felt about him. Worse, how she made him feel about himself.

He grabbed a stack of dishes and strode toward the house.

Chapter Twelve

B
eatrice had seen the flash of pain in Levi's eyes. The poor man still hurt from Helen's death. She followed him to the house. “Levi—”

But Susanne and Liz had entered, carrying food to put away, and she couldn't say anything at the moment.

Levi hurried away.

She'd wait until the others left.

The women returned to sit by Maisie.

Frank followed Tanner and Johnny around as they looked at Big Sam's horses.

Little Adam fell asleep in Willow's lap.

Liz, Sarah and Celia wandered away, enjoying each other's company.

Janie and Robbie raced back to the women. “You want to play with us?” Janie asked Dolly.

“You can go play,” Beatrice urged the child.

Dolly considered it a moment then shyly followed the two children. They wandered away.

Beatrice leaned back on her elbows content to watch Dolly. She didn't quite join in the play, but seemed happy to be with the other children.

Her gaze slid toward the men at the horses. Levi stood elbow-to-elbow with his brothers, but it seemed to her from the way he stared into the distance that he was only there physically. She ached for him. If only she could do something to ease his pain.

The women shared news of the past few weeks and Beatrice let her thoughts drift away.

“Tell us about yourself.”

Beatrice sat up as she realized Susanne meant her. The two younger women leaned forward as if eager for information. She glanced to Maisie.

“Tell them about yourself,” the older woman encouraged.

Beatrice couldn't think how to describe her life to these women, who were surrounded by love and acceptance. “I'm from Chicago,” she finally managed to say.

Susanne touched Beatrice's brocade skirt. “I knew you must be from a big city. Your dress is very fashionable.”

“Thank you.” She would trade every inch of fine fabric for what these women had—love, acceptance, family and worth.

“Why have you come out west?” Willow's voice was gentle, not a hint of judgment.

Beatrice looked past the women to Levi. He alone knew of her real reason. What would they think if they knew it was to avoid being used as bait for a suitable son-in-law? Why, she wondered, didn't Father simply take a suitable man into the business? But he insisted he must be part of the family. Did he think Beatrice owed it to him for her failure in being born a girl? Realizing the women still waited for her answer, she said, “I felt the need of a change and thought what better place than Montana?”

“How do you like it here?” Willow asked.

Beatrice didn't know if she meant here at the ranch or here in Montana and settled for the latter. “Montana is beautiful.”

“And wild,” Susanne said.

“Just like the men. Until they meet the right woman.” Willow and Susanne grinned at each other then they turned their gazes to Beatrice.

She looked from one to the other and shifted her gaze to Maisie. Why did they all watch her so intently? Surely they didn't think... Her and Levi? They were wrong. She must clear up any false ideas. “As soon as Maisie is well enough she doesn't need help, I will return to Granite Creek.”

“Are you planning to return to Chicago at that time?” Willow asked.

“No, I'm not. Aunt Opal is looking for a position for me.”

The women blinked as if surprised.

“What sort of position?” Willow asked.

Anything, she thought. “A nanny. A housekeeper.” Embarrassed, she ducked her head. “I admit I don't have much experience. But I'm learning.”

“She learns very quickly,” Maisie said.

“Thank you.”

“What about Dolly?” Susanne looked at the little girl playing with her younger nieces and nephews.

Beatrice explained about the aunt. “As soon as she makes arrangements, Dolly will be going to her.” A lump in her throat choked off her voice.

Willow patted her hand. “I'm sorry. It's obvious you've grown fond of her.”

Susanne nodded. “Levi has, too.”

The pair shifted to look at their brother-in-law.

“I would have never brought that bandana if I'd known he'd be so upset,” Willow said.

Maisie reached for Willow's hand and squeezed it. “You had only good intentions. But when it comes to Helen, Levi is very closemouthed.”

They all watched Levi, making it possible for Beatrice to study him without drawing attention to herself.

The conversation turned to other things until Adam stirred and wakened with a smile.

Willow hugged him. “I can still hardly believe how God has blessed me. My son has a loving father. My sisters are safe and sound. We are a happy family.” Her eyes glowed with joy as she looked to where Celia and Sarah played with the younger children, then sought out Johnny still talking to his father and brothers.

Beatrice jerked her gaze away as her lungs tightened and tears pressed at the back of her eyes. Oh, to have what Willow had. But she wasn't even sure what it was Willow had that she wanted.

“I feel the same. I'm so blessed.” Susanne's eyes sought Tanner's.

Their gazes met across the distance and Tanner straightened, a smile upon his lips, and strode toward them. Susanne was on her feet before he reached them.

“We should get the kids home,” Tanner said. “Thanks for everything, Ma. You, too.” He nodded toward Beatrice. “And thanks for taking care of her.”

Johnny had followed and scooped up little Adam, who held out his arms to the man.

Johnny added his thanks and soon the children were gathered up and in their respective wagons.

Big Sam went to each wagon and bade them goodbye. Levi did, too, but as soon as the wagons left the yard, he returned to the horse pasture to watch the animals grazing.

Dolly pressed to Beatrice's side or she would have gone to Levi immediately. She understood Dolly's need for reassurance, but could not speak frankly with the child present, so instead she folded the tablecloth and took it to the house. Big Sam carried Maisie in. “Do you want to rest?” he asked her.

“No, I'm fine. Put me in the chair if you don't mind.”

“I don't mind.” He settled her in the comfortable chair and kissed her cheek. “I just don't want you to overdo it.”

Maisie patted his cheek. “I am well taken care of thanks to you and Beatrice.”

Beatrice turned away, unable to watch the love between them without choking up. It seems these Harding men loved well and deeply. She glimpsed Levi, who was still at the corrals. Loving deeply meant hurting just as deeply when something went amiss.

“Dolly, why don't you get Smokey and play with her?”

Dolly rushed to get the kitten from the bedroom.

As Beatrice waited for her to take the kitten outside, she did her best not to look continually out the window, then realized she wandered restlessly about the kitchen and forced herself to stand still before the cupboard, though she must have looked like she was lost, for she had no reason to study the contents.

Dolly returned and Beatrice turned to Maisie. “Can I leave Dolly here while I go for a walk?”

“Of course you may. And don't hurry back. Take all the time you need.” Maisie was about to add more, but Beatrice spoke before she could, not caring for the knowing look in the older woman's eyes.

“Thank you.” She hurried from the house.

She got as far as the rosebush and stopped. What did she think she could say that would make any difference? But she must try. She bent over one of the pink blossoms and breathed in the scent, finding it gave her a touch of courage. If only she had shears, she would take a blossom with her. She tried to break off one of the delicate blooms, but succeeded only in pricking her finger. She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket to blot the drops. It was the same handkerchief as she'd used to wipe away Levi's blood. Now it had stains from both of them.

She told herself it meant nothing but her heart believed otherwise.

Levi shifted. She must hurry before he left, so she crossed the yard to stand at his side.

He glanced toward her, then went back to studying the horses. “I hope you enjoyed the day.”

“Yes, I did. Your family is not like any I've seen before.”

He slowly came around to face her. “Because we're half-breeds?”

She stared at him in total surprise then quickly recovered. “Technically only three of you are half-breeds. And no, that is not what I meant. Your family is so loving and accepting and so...” She shrugged, not able to find words to express the feeling that hovered at the edges of her thoughts.

He shrugged as well and looked again at the horses.

She knew what she wanted to say to him, but she didn't know the words and simply followed her feelings. She touched his arm. “Levi, I am so sorry for the pain you still carry over the loss of Helen. Willow regrets bringing that bandana. She thought it would comfort you. Instead, it upset you.”

He yanked the red material from his pocket. “This? She thinks this upsets me?” His words were harsh, his expression harder. He tossed the bit of fabric to the earth and with the heel of his boot ground it into the muck. “Everyone thinks I sorrow over her death and of course I do.” His eyes bored into hers. “But she left me weeks before she died because she didn't want to be associated with a man who was part Indian. She said we could be friends in secret, out here in the country.” His gaze circled the landscape and came back to her, full of an ancient pain.

Her hand went to his arm, but she kept her fingers still despite an urge to squeeze them and offer what little comfort she could. She sensed he would shake her hand off if he realized it was there.

“She did not want people to judge her poorly because of me.” The agony in his voice sliced through her like a sharpened knife.

She silently prayed for the right words to say to him. To make him understand that it was who he was inside that mattered, not what others thought of him. “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” The words were from scripture but she didn't know if she quoted the verse correctly or not. “Can't you see that?”

He grew very still. His breathing slowed. “Can you?”

Oh, if only he knew that she saw him as a man with strengths that she'd ached for all her life. A man who showed gentleness and kindness, sought the well-being of others, who—

His eyes burned a hole through her defenses and she felt exposed and vulnerable.

She jerked away, afraid he would read her thoughts. Yet she had to answer his question, if only to prove to him he was acceptable in her sight. “Levi, I think it matters less what I think of you than what you think of yourself.”

He caught her by the shoulder and turned her to face him. “Beatrice, listen to yourself. Take your own advice and stop seeing yourself as insignificant and useless. Stop seeing yourself as your father taught you to. You, too, are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Her cheeks burned. He meant did she see herself as she wanted him to see himself.

* * *

Levi had thrown her words back at her only to divert the conversation from him. As soon as he'd spoken, he realized how true the words were, but seeing the way her cheeks colored and her eyes glistened, he wished he could pull them back. He had no desire to hurt her.

How could he make up for it?

He caught her hand and tucked it around his elbow. “It seems we both have to learn to see ourselves as God sees us.” He didn't know if he could ever do that. Or perhaps, he meant he would never be able to believe others could accept him fully. “Weren't you about to tell me what you thought of my family?” He wanted to hear more. And mostly, he wanted to turn their thoughts toward more pleasant things.

For a moment he thought she might withdraw and then she relaxed, her hand warm in the crook of his arm.

“I am amazed at how kind and loving they are to each other. It thrills me to think of the children in both families finding such loving homes.”

They had begun to walk down the little trail by the horse pasture.

She lifted her face toward him. “I wish and pray for Dolly to find the same kind of love and acceptance.”

He caught her shoulder with his free hand. “I do, too, though I will be sad to see her leave. I wonder how long before the aunt replies.”

“I will miss Dolly more than I ever expected to.”

He nodded agreement. “I wonder if she'll feel safe enough with her aunt to start talking aloud.”

Beatrice chuckled. “I've gotten used to her quietness. And after an afternoon with seven rowdy kids, I think I appreciate it.”

They shared a laugh then fell into step again.

He longed to know more about her. What was her childhood like? Had she known accepting love from anyone? The kind Levi and his brothers had known—from both parents and then a loving stepmother?

“What sort of things did you do to amuse yourself as a child?”

She got a faraway look in her eyes. “I read lots. Did needlework. I'm quite good at it, actually.” Her smile was faintly apologetic. “I spent two winters working a picture of a parrot atop flowers.” Her smile deepened, easing tension from his throat.

She continued, her voice slightly mocking as if she realized how bland her life sounded. “I love the bright colors in it.”

Although he enjoyed watching the play of emotions in her eyes, he had hoped for more insight into her childhood than picturing her bent over her needlework, shut indoors, watching life from a nearby window. “Didn't you play?”

She shifted her gaze past him. “I once had a friend, Isabelle. She was allowed to run and jump and play. I joined her until my parents discovered my activities.” She let out a soft sight. “After that Izzy no longer came to play and I was taught how a young lady should properly conduct herself.”

Levi didn't realize his jaw had clamped like a vise as his imagination of her childhood grew even more depressing. Beatrice made it sound as if she was not allowed to enjoy normal childhood play.