The Crescendo (10 page)

Jaz made it all the way to her Jeep and drove home without a single tear. But only because she knew that when she started she may never stop and driving was hard enough in the city, let alone if you couldn't see. And then she still had to get past her mum who'd want to know about the wedding. Tears, snot and crying like a baby was not what she needed her mum to witness right now. She didn't want the questions, well, the interrogation more like it. So Jaz sucked it up and even managed a few words to her mum and Paul about the wedding.

‘I got a few photos,' she said. ‘But I'll show you tomorrow. Right now I wanna have a hot shower and scrub this make-up off.'

‘Yeah, you do look a bit freakish,' said Simon with a cheeky grin. He'd just walked into the kitchen in his striped pyjamas and blond hair.

‘Says the walking banana.' Jaz hugged him because she felt the need, leaving poor Simon a little confused to her sudden affection. ‘I need sleep. I'll see you all in the morning.'

‘You sure you're okay, Jaz?' said Tash, pulling her in for a hug on her way towards the stairs.

Paul was at the table with a cuppa and a big book, but he looked over the top of it with concern.

‘I'm fine, guys. Just tired. Was hard to smile lots when you don't feel like it,' she said. Her voice wavering just a tad. If she didn't go soon she wasn't sure how much longer she'd last, especially when her mum was hugging her so hard. It was if she knew she was cracking, like an egg held too tightly. Soon she'd burst apart into a gooey sobbing mess. ‘Night. Love you.'

Pulling away, she headed up the stairs, taking her shoes off as she went. Inside her room she let the shoes fall to the ground, about the same time the first tears dripped from her chin, and flopped onto her bed in an unladylike manner.

The barrage of emotions she'd managed to contain since that moment on the bench seat with Ryan when he more or less said goodbye overtook her. And then again on the dance floor, where he made her heart feel like a bashed-in piñata. It had taken every bone in her body, every ounce of strength she had to keep it together but now she let it go. At this rate she wouldn't need a shower, as she'd cry all her make-up off. But after half an hour or more of wallowing in sobs she managed to get into the shower, scrub her face raw, then climb into her worn pyjamas and crawl back into bed.

The worst thing was, tomorrow wouldn't be better because now there was no Pax and no Ryan. All she had to look forward to was a funeral and exams. Jaz clutched at her pillow as more tears welled, until sleep finally put her out of her misery.

***

The days before the funeral, Jaz walked through life as a visitor. She got up, ate, went to school, tried to focus, tried to listen to what her friends were saying and then went home. Because they were both upset about Pax they understood, but Jaz noticed they could still share a joke and a smile. Jaz couldn't. Not with Ryan gone too.

Come Wednesday, they all met at the gym. It was the first time Jaz had gone back and nothing felt more like coming home than the moment she stepped in the door. It all turned pear-shaped when she found herself looking for Pax. Waiting for him to come out of the office with a cuppa in his hand. But he never did and never would again.

‘This is wrong,' said Anna, who turned to Jaz.

She'd said exactly what Jaz was feeling and in seconds both of them had tears rolling down their cheeks, which had their mums diving for the tissues in their handbags.

They were here to set up for the wake, yet they couldn't even get past the front door without crumbling.

‘We'll never get anything done at this rate,' said Tasha dabbing at her eyes.

Leonie smiled through her own glassy eyes. ‘I know. Where shall we start?'

Jaz took over then, needing something to grip onto. She took them to the storage room where some fold-out tables were. Paul was hiring some chairs to bring down and was off sorting that with Anna's dad, while Tay was here to clean, but it hadn't been necessary as Bags, Niles and Tick had come and scrubbed the place spotless before they arrived. They'd left a note in the office offering to help if there was anything else that needed doing. She loved those guys; they had all made a weird family, The Ring family.

Jaz put the note down and stood in the office, looking at the door that led into Pax's house. It would always be Pax's house. No matter what happened next. She wondered who was going to clean out his house? What about all his agency gear? Surely Pax would have a contingency plan? She didn't think he'd let them sell it and hoped he'd left it to Anna's family for safekeeping. But what would they want with a rustic gym? They'd probably sell it. Then she really would have lost a huge part of her life. This gym was everything, even though it didn't seem like much to others.

Anna's mum had been made executer of Pax's will. She told them the night of his death. She said he'd made a new will after his first heart attack and that after the funeral she'd read the will out to them all, but not until they'd said their goodbyes. Jaz had walked away, didn't want to hear anything about it, still too stunned with his death.

Tasha walked past and opened up the door with the set of keys that were Jaz's. They would need the kitchen to set up the urn and fridge.

Jaz hated the fact that the world continued on. Life wasn't feeling very fair at the moment.

‘Hey, chicken.' Anna slipped her arm around Jaz's waist and rested her head on her shoulder.

Anna was wearing a black dress with pearls around her neck and a pair hanging from her ears, her hair swept up into a bun, making her look very Audrey Hepburn. Jaz had gone for a bright dress, mainly red with green leaves and yellow frangipani flowers, much like Pax's Hawaiian-inspired shirts that he always wore. She hoped it would bring a smile to his face if he was watching, and to the people who knew him well. Her mother, on the other hand, was in black and had a fascinator in her hair with a black spotted veil that covered most of her face. She looked very elegant but had Jaz wondering if it was more to do with hiding herself in case any agency people turned up at the funeral. After all these years she was still being careful. Which just reminded Jaz how much she needed to keep her agency involvement a secret.

‘Lucky we have keys and I can still get back in,' whispered Anna. ‘I got a message to see James yesterday after school.'

Jaz guided Anna back out the office and down towards the change room, away from prying ears. ‘Why didn't you tell me this?'

‘I am now.'

‘Did you meet up?'

‘Yep. Tay went with me.'

Jaz felt suddenly a bit out of the loop.

Anna continued. ‘James just wanted to check I could still access all the computers as he needed an ID made up for one of the operatives. He's also going to get their guy back in Vic to visit and continue with my training. Mind you, Pax got most of it covered. It's just some of the government database stuff and records that we haven't covered. I've got passports down pat,' she said with a sad smile.

Anna, without any prior experience, had made Ryan's fake passport when Pax had his first heart attack. It had been an emergency to get Ryan's passport done and Anna had worked it out on her own. But she was clever like that. Computer genius ran in the family. Her dad didn't own one of the biggest computer companies for no reason.

They didn't get to talk anymore about her meeting with James, as it was time to go to the funeral. There was a ceremony before Pax was to be cremated.

As Jaz was walking into the building at the cemetery twenty minutes later, she wondered if Pax wanted to be cremated because he knew bodies sometimes got turfed into new graves. Maybe Pax didn't feel like sharing his plot with some drug lord or psycho killer. Jaz realised she'd be putting down cremation on her will also, and no way was she having a crypt thingy. She already put a body in one of them.

Taylor took her hand, he held Anna's in the other and walked them to the front of the room, just behind their parents. Tay was looking so grown-up in black slacks and a black shirt with a tie. He was trying to be there for both of them but Jaz knew it was Anna who had his heart. Only Anna hadn't yet realised how Tay felt.

As they sat he kept hold of their hands, but with Anna's his thumb was working gentle circles across it and he kept glancing at her as if checking she was okay. It wasn't hard to miss the love shining from Tay's eyes when you looked. She was glad Anna had Tay because right now Jaz hadn't been as good a friend as she should be. She was lost in her own suffering, too afraid to share it with Anna just yet because she didn't want it to be real. She didn't want to believe Ryan was gone from her life. Plus Anna was the one person who understood just how much it would be killing Jaz and she didn't want to burden Anna with more sorrow.

Jaz looked around the room, trying to see who was here. Mainly Anna's family and their friends. She'd seen Tilly on the way in, dressed as one of the funeral people. She wondered if they knew they had an extra, or maybe this was one of Tilly's day jobs? It wouldn't surprise her. Not much did these days. Tilly acknowledged her with the smallest of nods.

Jaz twisted in her seat; she was searching for Ryan, just in case, even though he said he wouldn't make it. She still looked.

‘Do you think Ryan will come?' asked Anna. She'd been watching her searching the faces.

Jaz shook her head. ‘No, he said he wouldn't but … you know.' Hope did funny things to people.

With one last look around the room, Jaz caught the eye of a man at the very back and recognised James.

The full reality of this situation made her heart race. What if James ran into her mum? Would he recognise her from a distance? Would her mum spot James? Jaz glanced to her mum who sat at the end of the chairs with Paul and Simon. They were chatting quietly amongst themselves. What are the chances they bumped into each other? Would her mum be expecting something like this? She probably didn't even know her brother worked the Perth office from time to time, unless Pax had mentioned it. Jaz was dying to know and wished Pax was around to ask.

With a bit of luck, James wouldn't hang around or come to the wake for fear of being recognised or connected back to Pax or anyone else in the agency. James lifted his hand and scratched his chin and then made the sign that the agency used to say ‘I see you'.

Coming from James she knew he meant a lot more than those three words. Jaz turned around to face the front as the service started.

Jaz tried to read from the little booklet; it had Pax's photo on the front and listed the order of events. Anna had done a great job and even listed his fake certificates at the back. A little inside joke that made her smile. Pax would have got a good chuckle from that.

After the service they all made their way to his coffin to say goodbye and put a frangipani flower on his casket. His favourite flower. It was a nice sentiment that Anna's mum had organised, picking all the flowers herself from her garden and from the ones growing around Pax's house. Jaz had picked her own one from the pink tree he had out by his front window. She breathed in its scent one last time before placing it down. She couldn't speak, her voice would crack if she tried, instead she said a silent goodbye as her eyes watered and tears escaped. It still didn't seem real and every time she thought of his body sitting inside the shiny brown casket she just about lost the plot. The only way to get through was to not think about it, just like with what she's seen working for the agency. Push it to the back of your mind and continue on.

Wiping her eyes with a tissue she followed the rest of their families out of the building, not even glancing at the faces watching them leave. Jaz did look for James when they reached the back of the room but he wasn't where she'd last seen him. Please God let him have left already.

‘Did you see him up the back?' whispered Anna. ‘Do you think your mum—' Anna mouthed the rest of her sentence.
Saw him?

‘I don't think so,' she whispered back.

‘Imagine if they did. Wonder how she would have reacted.'

‘I kinda wished she had seen him and vice versa, it would bring all this out into the open,' said Jaz.

‘And cause a shitload of chaos,' added Tay as he worked his way between them. ‘Come on, I'll drive us back to the gym once everyone's finished with the hugging.'

Tay was right. It would have turned all their lives upside down, and Jaz didn't need that kind of chaos. She needed her mum to be at home with Paul and Simon, things as normal as possible. How would things go down once James found out his sister really was alive?

Outside, people were hugging and smiling with tears in their eyes. Bags, Tick and Niles stood to one side together, all dressed up. Tick looked quite respectable and stylish with all his tattoos hidden; you'd never guess he'd been a dangerous gang member once upon a time. Bags still looked a bit like Vin Diesel, large due to his boxing and love of protein shakes, but no one here would know that he loved to write and spent a lot of time at the computer, his goal to one day be published.

‘Come on, let's see the guys,' said Jaz. She hated that they stood back as if outsiders when in fact Pax thought of these guys as family and had more to do with them than his own family, besides Anna.

‘Thanks for cleaning up the gym,' said Jaz as she hugged each one. All three wore dark sunglasses and Bags reached under his to flick away a stray tear.

Jaz would often come to the gym to find Pax with the guys, having a cuppa and listening to their troubles. Most people came to Pax's gym to let out some frustrations, to stay fit and to seek Pax's listening ear. Jaz doubted his family truly understood just how much Pax did for people. They knew nothing about his agency work.

‘It was all we could think of, but you let us know if there is anything else. Jimbo couldn't make it, he's over east but sends you all hugs. Do we have to give our keys back?' asked Niles. He was so tall his black pants were near his ankles, Michael Jackson style.