Authors: Z. Elizabeth
“Calm down, Nic, you’re so bloody stressed. You look beautiful, this day will go fine, and no one will ever know we are pretending.”
I looked up into the mirror and found his eyes, but the moment I did that, the smirk appeared and then I was shitting myself over the next thing that would come out of his kissable mouth. “Now for this wedding night, do I rip the dress off or unbutton it one by one? I’m thinking I should just rip it off you, I know you can’t wait to jump aboard my cock.”
Motherfucker. I pulled myself out of his arms and stormed out of the room to the sound of his laughter. I can’t believe my grandparents are making me do this. Scrap that, this is all down to me. Why am I doing this? This side of Craig is the one I cannot stand, and when he’s like this, it’s time to get away.
“You are a piece of shit, Craig Thomas” I seethed, stomping towards the bathroom with Craig hot on my heels. Fuck, trying to speed walk in the bloody dress just wasn't happening and by the time I reached the door, Craig had me pushed against it and had my arms pinned to my sides. I tried to wriggle free, but he stood his ground and took another step forward so our bodies were flush. I looked up at him, with death glaring from my eyes but I saw something flashing in his too, something I couldn't put my finger on and it was scary. Scary in the way that I couldn't pull my eyes from his. I was drowning in them, confused by his reaction to me storming away and all I wanted him to do was lean a little closer and kiss me.
But he didn’t.
What he did do was tensed up, closed his eyes and pushed away from me, where he then charged away from me instead. He didn’t even have the decency to apologize to me, no, he just fucking walked down the stairs, leaving me pissed off and turned on.
***
Not only was I completely confused over Craig's behaviour, but this was the hardest and simplest day of my life, and keeping up appearances for the guests downstairs was so much easier than I would have liked it to be because being in love with Craig and ‘pretending’ to love Craig went hand in hand. And it was nearly time to face up to this fact. Nearly time to walk down the aisle and make our fake marriage official. I couldn’t had been stuck in a more complicated rut than I was at that moment.
My old bedroom window had always been my sanctuary, that and the beach, and seeing as the beach was out of the question, I needed my window seat more than ever. I manoeuvred myself to sit upon the ledge and gazed upon the small amount of guests sitting row by row in my parent’s back garden – it was big enough to host our wedding and small enough to keep the ceremony small and private; just what Craig and I wanted. Many of the invited guests were more than confused over Craig and mines nuptials due to their understanding of our parent’s hatred for each other and due to the fact they never saw us together. We told them we were sneaky about our relationship, wanting to keep it a secret until we were certain everything would work out. They bought it.
Our friends didn't even bat an eyelid as such, they just wondered how we kept everything under wraps and that is what eats me up inside. That we had to spin a story on how we got together and they all went along with it, not even calling bullshit on it. They were just so pleased that we saw past the feud and got together and it pains me to think that they think this is all real. The day they find out is the day that screaming and shouting is going to occur, and I, for one, will not be able to handle that. The looks of disappointment are going to be the worst...especially Kelsie's.
My best friend and Maid of Honour, Kelsie has been in a relationship with Craig's best friend and Best Man, Rob since the beginning of university; Rob finally asking Kelsie out during the summer before we left for University in Cardiff. Although neither of our groups bonded in school, it would have seemed that Rob and Kelsie had a lot of classes together and he finally manned the fuck up and asked her out. After our first year of university, the guy's group along with Kelsie and my little university group had all bonded after spending the first summer together between Swansea and Cardiff and now three years later this gave Craig and I the perfect cover for our fake story. A story about how we finally connected after our university days were over and how we fell in love fast and hard and we knew we wanted forever together so the ring was on my finger and a wedding was arranged in lightening speed.
Nicole, say hello to your wedding day!
Our fabricated story, which we have told time and time again, starts with our group partying together last year on mine and Kelsie's Graduation night where Rob dragged along the guys to celebrate with us. One drink turned into two, small talk turned into dates, dates turned into a fast engagement and here we are now; waiting to recite our 'vows'.
People asked us what our parents thought of it when we walked down the street, being the ever so happily engaged couple, snuggling and holding hands to keep up appearances. We had to tell them that they had no say, we loved each other and they would have to get over it – get over their issues with one another, because this is what we wanted. A life together. A life full of lies and deceit with a cash sum at the end of it. Some life that is.
A sad smile graced my face and I sighed deeply, clasping my hands in my lap and resting my head on the window; watching the hassle below me. We were caught up in a web of lies that neither of us wanted to be tangled in, but if it helped our future, we knew we had to do it.
Feeling a presence in my room, I turned to look at my father, Peter, watching me intensely. I knew he was less than pleased about this arrangement but thankfully he understood why I was doing this, he just didn’t understand my grandparents – his parents - and why they did this to their only grandchild, especially when they knew about the feud. My mother on the other hand. . .well, let's just say a lot of curse words were thrown at my grandparents and she didn't approve of this at all. Not that I care what she thought; she'd never been a mother to me, so why should I take her opinions on? Today was not the day to think about the emotional abuse I have covertly suffered at her hands. I had never been good enough for her. I never wanted to follow in her footsteps and for that I had been punished. Punished for wanting what
I
want from life, not want
she
wants for me.
Anger began to boil and I took a deep breath to calm the rage inside of me. I pushed her from my thoughts, uncurling my clenched fists, and focused on my father.
“You ready to marry the enemy, my darling girl?” he said, whilst I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. Instead I faked a laugh and stood up, smoothed my dress down and made my way over to him. He was dressed to the nines - a white shirt and black suit and tie, dressing every part of the day, too. I was also hoping this would be the first and only time he walked me down the aisle, but I could dream big, couldn’t I?
“You know it, Papa Jones.” I winked, which caused him to chuckle at my nickname for him. I slipped my feet into my ivory heels, double checked myself over once more before I turned around for my father to look at his baby girl all ‘wedding-upped’.
“You look beautiful, Nic, even if this is all for a fake wedding.” My heart caved in at his comment because he could never know how much I loved Craig and how much I wouldn’t be thinking about how fake this wedding was, but how real it will be to me.
With my heart heavy, I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat and linked my arm in my fathers as he guided the both of us from my bedroom and down the spiral stairs, one step at a time. When we reached the bottom, he turned to face me and wrapped his arms tightly around me, giving my temple a kiss. No one was around, all sat outside, readying for the ceremony, so we had time to talk before the wedding march began.
“You will never know how much I admire you for doing this. I knew my parents had left you something, but they would never tell me what it was. That money will be the beginning for you, for the marketing business you so badly want to start and for the proper wedding you will ultimately get after this one. Just remember that your true love is out there waiting for you.”
“My true love is Craig”
I wanted to say, but I bit my tongue and wrapped my arms around my father’s neck, squeezing him and my eyes shut, hoping to god he couldn’t see through my façade. See through the fact that I didn’t think I would ever love another man as much as I loved Craig – the enemy who stole my heart all those years ago. My dad never talked about how my grandparents died, all I knew was that that our grandparents were in a car crash together. My nan and his granddad died instantly, and my granddad and his nan barely hung on. I'd never been told the extent of the injuries, not wanting to know, but they survived a few more days then succumbed to their injuries. Both sets had drawn up a Will the year of our fathers' fallout – it was like they knew they wouldn't be around for much longer. A spark of pain flashed through my heart, for my father and Craig's before I drew back from the hug and plastered on a smile as Kelsie came bouncing around the corner holding my flowers and hers. Her auburn hair was curled to perfection and pinned to the side, tumbling over her right shoulder, and the lilac sweetheart dress that she’d demanded I buy for her, dipped down to her feet. She was every part the goddess that I knew and loved to death – I just felt so guilty over not being able to tell her about this deal. She has been my best friend since we were in nappies and she was technically my surrogate sister. It didn't seem right that she didn't know. She handed over my bouquet filled with a multitude of coloured flowers that smelt so fresh they could have brightened anyone’s day up and after the guilt that was eating away at me, I needed them more than ever.
“You look beautiful, Nic and Craig looks absolutely gorgeous. If I wasn't with Rob, well, lets just say I would tap that.” She giggled, winking at my father. That girl had no filter and thank God my father knew that about her. He’d practically raised her so he knew the things that came out of her mouth. I saw him hide a smile and tsk at her, knowing that berating her would get him nowhere. “I'm so glad it was you that tamed the sex bomb, Nic. I know you have waited years for this day to arrive.” I paled at her confession, and my father froze on the spot. She did not just spill my secret. Yet it wasn't a secret because we were getting married and we
should
love one another. I avoided my father’s gaze and shrugged it off. I would tell him some bullshit excuse when Kelsie had buggered off back to the wedding. She didn't seem to take in my panicked state due to the excitement she was exuding, whereas my heart felt like it was being stabbed by tiny needles due to her outing me.
“Well, it takes a certain someone special to tame that guy, and Nicole was just the girl. Weren't you, sweetheart?” My father butted in, faking a grin. I knew he was playing along with her confession and I hated it. I knew he wanted to tell the whole damn congregation how fake this wedding was and I knew he was waiting impatiently to ask just what the fuck Kelsie was on about. The awkwardness that stood between us could be sliced into a million pieces but Kelsie couldn't see it; she was too hyped up about me getting married – the first in our group.
“Anyway, Bestie, it’s time for you to marry the love of your life.” Leaning forward and giving me a brief hug, Kelsie blew me a kiss and headed back outside where the wedding song was beginning. I cursed her for leaving me, wanting to follow but my dad's hand in mine stopped me moving. I tentatively turned to face him, waiting for a 'WHAT THE HELL, NIC' but nothing came. He didn't berate me, he didn't ask questions, he simply nodded and left the moment behind. It confused the hell out of me that he didn't want me to explain, and I wasn't going to explain without him questioning me, so I too, left the confession in the moment, hoping that down the line it would become clear to him why Kelsie had said that.
I spied Kelsie and my other best friends and bridesmaids, Tammy and Sophie, walking down the white, silk aisle in the middle of our garden before it was my turn. I closed my eyes and counted to ten to calm myself down – both from the wedding and the feeling that my father quite possibly knew that I loved Craig. I felt him take my arm in his and tuck it into his elbow and with my eyes still closed, he guided me towards the back door, where we would descend down the aisle from.
“You ready, Nic?” My father’s voice drifted through the air. Taking one final deep breath and exhaling, I opened my eyes and nodded cautiously. Through the door, I could see all the guests standing, waiting for me to step outside and onto the silk trail. Waiting to see the dress, and waiting to see me marry Craig, but I ignored all of them and focused on the breath-taking man stood at the end of the aisle for a brief moment. He was the one who I would be walking towards in a matter of seconds and the one that was smiling so brightly with Rob that you could mistake him for being utterly in love with me. . . but I knew better. Knew it was all for appearances. And the sad thing was, everything I was about to do would never be for appearances. It would be pure and real.
“Let’s do this.” I answered my father who signalled towards the harpist that I was ready to walk towards the beginning of a 12 month payment plan with a dose of heartbreak at the end. I took the first few steps towards the end of my garden, and tried to focus on my breathing, on the summer breeze dancing around me, the freshly painted petals that dangled from the high trees. I couldn’t let my eyes stray to the guests and I didn’t want to continually hear them whispering how beautiful I was, how elegant my dress was or how perfect Craig and I were, even if their comments were seeping into my ears. I wanted and needed to imagine that it was just Craig and I, just the two of us, with no one else around. I needed to pretend that he loved me as much as I loved him and the way he looked at me…well, he was just as great at pretending as I was. He couldn’t take his eyes off me, and I could feel them burning holes through me. His eyes locked onto mine and his intense gaze ran throughout my body, engraved deep into my veins. I tried not to let him see how much he effected me, nor let my Dad see what Craig was doing to my body, so all I could do was stare back, stare into those light blue eyes and try to calm myself down. No one else mattered in the moment, no one else was around and I lost all sense of just exactly what was going on as I zoned in on Craig standing at the end, a smile graced his face, whilst he waited for me to finish the agonising walk towards him.