I took a break that evening. Took time out
from Sam and Carver, that heavy intensity of two large personalities too much
to cope with. Too many things rolling around and throwing accusations about
inside my head. I removed myself from the situation and hid away from
everything that now seemed to hinge entirely on my own guesswork. I went to
sleep content in the knowledge that tomorrow would bring me one step closer to
understanding, one more piece of the puzzle.
Tomorrow Lane would be my trainer.
In dawn's early light, that frosted Autumn
brass seeping beneath heavy plum curtains, I woke to hesitant knocks on the
bedroom door. It's possible I hadn't been as ambiguous as I'd thought when I
declined to sit down to dinner, claiming tiredness from the days training. No
doubt Sam wasn't fooled anyway, he always did seem one step ahead of me.
"Girlie? Breakfast on tha table, any
time today be good...."
I rolled my eyes and hummed in response,
you'd think it was mid afternoon the way he talked. I showered and dressed
quickly. I still had not put those clothes away, I was honest enough with
myself to admit that it was purely because of the finality it represented. As
if once those clothes were put away there would be no going back, everything
from that moment on would be permanent.
I joined Sam at the kitchen table, a plate
of sausages and eggs with a giant stack of toast already sitting next to a mug
of thick, black coffee. I screwed my face up, I was convinced he made that
sludge on purpose.
"Glad ya decided ta join me."
I patted Remy's head as it nudged it's way
into my side and ignored his comment. I found I couldn't quite look Sam in the
eye. My suspicious mind was testing and judging every word out of his mouth,
but my heart was stuck on this man, one who had shown me so quickly what lay
beneath the dark and twisted carcass that was life after Daniel. Given me a
reason to be more than my revenge and less than my shame, pureness in an
otherwise desecrated individual.
My wavering thoughts brought that shame
thundering back, an insistent knocking on the solid wall that kept the doubts
on the outside fiercely searching for a way in.
"Ya gonna sit there all day? Mute an'
borin'? Think ya owe me a damn conversation," he huffed as he poured
himself more coffee. "ya left me wit' ya Captain all evenin', nuthin' come
outta tha' man's mouth but growls. Least. Stimulatin'. Talk. Eva'."
I smiled a little at his frowning face,
long and weathered and whisky nosed. I trusted that face and it hurt."You
could have gone to bed you know."
Sam huffed at me, "Wha' am I dead?
Ain't goin' ta bed when the sun still shinin'. B'sides, had ta make sure tha
moody Captain dun break no more of tha house." He sighed at the thought,
"just got tha new stove in."
I started eating, letting him tell me about
all the new appliances he'd ordered on the guards account. I couldn't help but
smile at how utterly frivolous he was with spending Carver's money. It was at
once freeing and saddening, a moment of falling back into the trap that the old
man was, and realisation of how much I would lose without him.
"Heard ya got Lane this mornin', tha'
should be fun seein' as you two so friendly like." His grin was a macabre
reminder of our last training session.
I shrugged, "my wolf seemed okay with
him afterwards, more confused by his actions then anything."
Sam grinned wider,"yeah, bu' tha' boy
got no sense in his head. He wind ya up jus' ta watch ya go."
I nodded in agreement and hoped that
someone had at least thought of an emergency plan if Lane pushed me too far
again. I stood when Sam started clearing the plates, I'd ploughed through most
of what he'd put before me, my appetite was bigger now then I'd ever known it
to be. I pushed the new chair underneath an exact copy of the old table and
turned to wait in the living room for Carver, I could hear his heavy steps
moving toward the stairs and assumed he'd want to walk me to the training room.
I figured I'd also get a chance to ask who was going to be there to stop me
from killing Lane.
I met black searing eyes as they swept the
living room to meet my own. I don't think I'll ever get used to how
breathtaking this man was, and how utterly imperfect I was in contrast. I think
maybe, if I had been filled with a little less hate and bile and perhaps the
emptiness was not so all consuming, I may have forgiven fate her games, if just
for this gift I had been given.
Carver opened the door and ushered me out
as he nodded politely at Sam. I threw a glance over my shoulder as I left and
saw a slight frown on Sam’s face as he stared at me. I hated that frown, hated
the thought that maybe I had destroyed his smile and replaced it with
uncertainty. I couldn't help but smile reassuringly at him as Carver closed the
door behind us, my hope that my suspicions were just that; mistrust based on
years of lies.
Carver's husky voice snapped my attention
to his stony face, "Good morning Arya. Did you sleep well?"
I nodded at him and quickened my pace to
match his long strides. I could feel his stare burning into the side of my face
as we walked in silence, it was a distraction to the point of anxiety.
"Are you okay to train with Lane
today? You're not still tired?"
I couldn't tell if he was honestly asking
the question or trying to figure out if I'd lied last night, but I'd spent
years playing dumb and I had no problem returning to that now. "Yes, the
rest did me good I think, I feel much better." I turned to look at him as
we crunched over the gravel path, "will Charlie be there today? You know
in case I decide to take a bite out of Lane again?'
Carvers husky laugh was thrilling to my
ears, a true deep Orchestra of pitch and timber."No. You're not fighting
with him today, he's there to help you control your emotions, maybe keep that
rage that brings your wolf out under tighter control."
I quirked my eyebrow at him, "Lane's
going to teach me?"
He smiled again, "you'd be surprised
how much of himself Lane has learnt to control."
He left me with that confusing comment and
another quick kiss to the scowl on my face. I once again found myself staring
at his back as he moved gracefully away. I shook my head and pushed opened the
doors to the training room and found Lane already grinning inside. I took a
deep breath and felt around for movement from my wolf. She seemed awake,
quietly sitting and watching, waiting to see how it all played out. I had a
feeling that she was just playing possum, a calm front hovering over the storm
inside just waiting for the chance to pounce.
I let my breath out and moved into the
room, slowly making my way to Lane and keeping an ever watchful eye on those
golden eyes slowly blinking her intent just under the surface.
"Hello Arya."
I stopped a foot away from him, giving us
both a little space, "Lane."
"Why don't you have a...seat on the
bench and...we'll get started."
I peered at him,"what exactly are we
going to be doing?"
Lane smirked, "oh you won't..be doing
anything. This is all me today."
He didn't seem especially excited about
that regardless of the half smile lopsided on his face."What do you
mean?"
Lane snorted, "to show you how to
get...a bit more control...I'll have to tell you how I learned."
His smile dropped and I caught an insight
into this wolf that I'd never imagined possible, a deep swirling place buried
beneath anti social behaviour and a rebel front.
"My story Arya. I'll tell you
mine...all laid out.. just for you."
I sat and stared at the wolf, flashing
amber eyes flickering as his face contorted. I had a front row seat to his
show, I watched as his facial muscles tensed and relaxed. One by one, every
single sinew struggling with the power of the wolf inside, only to become a
puppet on its master's strings. A human pulling at the helm until every tendon
conformed and bent to his commands. Locked down, tied up in strings of
containment. I was in awe of the human that held on to those reigns, they
looked almost as dark as mine did.
He smiled at me when he was back in compete
control, his show of pushing the wolf back down took a total of less than one
minute.
I stared at him, "how?"
He flinched a small amount, something I
wouldn’t have caught if I hadn’t been watching so intently.
"My story?" he smiled without
humour and said a word that struck a cord within my memories, one that clicked
a light bulb in my brain. "Empaths."
I sneered at the word and hissed
back,"bottom feeders."
And that's exactly what they were, the lowest
level on any spectrum, humans with minor abilities. Low level powers that
included some minor spells at best. I'd heard many things about them, some
exaggerations some not, but one consensus remained; they were vampires of the
soul. Sucking emotions out of human and wolf as though they were starved of
such things. They fed on joy and grief alike but the dammed ones, those who
were unrepentant, fed on pain. Drained the life out of a person through anger,
stole light through sorrow and left nothing but deadened husks through remorse.
Through catastrophe so did they thrive.
Lane smirked at my understanding curse,
"I was a child when they... Found me. Orphaned. Lone. I thought at
first...they were there to save me. I was wrong."
His face had shut down, that blank look
that people get when remembering things best left forgotten."They tied me
to a post...in the middle of their village so that...all would benefit. In the
rain. In the sun. In the snow. I spent many seasons on that post. They started
small...feeding from my grief, a child's grief for its parents. Then from my
pain...when they whipped my legs...with barbed tails. Then from my anger...as I
grew older."
I stared at the man so consumed, a burning
chasm of rage that hid in plain sight just below those smirking eyes. Yes, he
understood pain.
"They held me for seven years. I was a
prize...humans last half that long. Carver found me...near death, near
insanity. I spent one hundred years...holding onto that anger, and one hundred
more...killing every empath I could find." He snorted at me and shook his
head, "and I am still angry."
He bent to pick up a water bottle and threw
it my way,"you cannot imagine...such helplessness, that every
emotion...only feeds them. That all your fury...only makes them stronger. And
that their joy...at your rage just prolongs the madness."
He sat on the bench and I slid a little
further towards him, my wolf long since receded, hiding from his impassioned
past. I understood him better now, we were two spirits on the same path, intertwining
souls on similar roads of destruction. If there was anyone here I could trust I
now believed it to be this man, one who would look at me and see the same
crawling horrors as inside his own mind. I could sit and talk. I could learn
from this wolf. The morning was just beginning and we had a long day ahead.
But he was wrong on one account; I could
imagine helplessness, I had lived rage. I understood more now than ever before.
An epiphany had cleared my mind, all that misted fog and blurred window that
prevented such crystal thought, had been eradicated. I knew.
I know now what you are. Take a breath,
I'll be coming back for you.
It
was transcendent.
I
walked a golden bridge. A pathway leading to auroral displays. Light colliding
with light. Pitch black and crimson red, dashes of angel white swallowed by
swirling sable. He gave me this gift and it was incomparable.
It
started with blood and sweat and tears. Mine and Lanes, mixed and blended
together, two separate entities becoming one in a theatre of war. I entered the
arena separated, and I came out allied.
He'd
grinned at me, a devilish smile that promised nothing but torment. "I'm
glad Carver...won't be here for this...and that your bond is weak."
I
frowned at him curiously,"Why?"
He
chuckled, a little hoarse and scratchy, "because this...is going to
hurt."
I
rolled my eyes, of course it would, nothing was ever just easy.
"Your
wolf is...not the problem. She wants to be...connected to you. It's the
human...that’s blocking." He turned and took his shirt off, the bite I'd
given him a glaring scar of remembrance. He was a big man, not quite on Carvers
level, maybe a touch smaller than Charlie, but still a hell of a lot bigger
than I was.
His
grey eyes scanned my form, a gaze of scrutiny, pinpointing weakness, bringing
hidden faults to the surface. "You're going to submit...to me." His
knuckles cracked when his hands fisted, "You'll have to...trust me in
this."
I
looked at him in disbelief,"she won't allow that."
Lane
smirked again,"she will, she sees me now. She wants this...needs to be a
part of you."
I
took a deep breath, I wasn't worried about the pain, I could deal with it. It
was more that he had underestimated the wolf inside me, that she wouldn't
behave exactly as he planned, too much pain inside that animal to understand
the difference between help and hinder.
I
hadn’t been watching Lane and once again he took advantage of my lack of
concentration. A blow to the face knocked me straight to the floor, no
wavering, no moment of thought. I was standing and then I wasn't. The pounding
in my cheek was all I could comprehend when I found myself staring up at him.
He
shrugged at me, "it'll heal...hopefully before Carver...get here."
I
shook my head trying to clear the drunk haze that had taken over, I stopped
that quickly when it only led to nausea."Shit Lane...you think you could
just get it over with rather than drawing it out?"
His
scratchy chuckle annoyed me and I felt the animal rise in response. She surged
forward, forcing my body to pick itself up and stand facing Lane. My hands
fisted and I looked at the blonde, his hair falling over his eyes, hiding the
starkness that emanated from within.
I
challenged him, face to face, meeting those grey eyes as much as my height
would allow. Watching his bulging arms for twitches of movement and tensing of
action. I challenged the wolf in front of me, Alpha to lone, male to female.
But I challenged him as a human, my animal sitting and watching but not
interfering.
"You
don't want quick...think you enjoy the burn...as much as I do. Makes you feel
alive...makes you feel something."
I
wouldn't confirm or deny his theory. I had a clarity of realisation though that
told me more about Lane then anything could. He didn't like pain, not the kind
I'd endured, this wasn't about pain. He liked the release, the cathartic rush
of endorphins. Whether you're the one throwing the punches or taking them, it
was a freeing of frustration. Relief from the heavy binds that weighed us down
and absolution in the face of adversity.
"Come
on Arya...hit me."
I
smiled, even without my wolf lending me her strength I was more powerful then I
used to be. I threw my fist at his face, a remembered form from Charlies
earlier teachings, but even if my aim had been nowhere near him it wouldn't
have mattered. Lane made no move to avoid the hit, even lent into the force
coming his way. I connected well, I felt the flesh of his cheek bend to my will
and the solid bone beneath rebound off my knuckles. I wasn't thinking about my
skin touching his, his hands on me. The connection my brain made between touch
and disgust had been interrupted by appreciation of hitting a human target.
That he allowed me this moment brought tears to my eyes, giving the girl that
once could not fight back the chance to do so was freeing in a way I'd never
imagined. Without a wolf, fighting an opponent I couldn't beat, I hit him over
and over again and loved every minute of it.
All
too soon sweat poured down my back and flicked off my skin with every punch I
threw. His blood mixed with my tears on the matted floor and my grunts of
impact blended with his curses. I sat back on my ankles, my knees on the floor,
panting in exertion. He rolled onto his front from where I'd left him on his
back and pushed up with those huge arms, groaning as aches pulled against
bruises.
"It
is most definitely...my turn."
I
laughed at him and nodded my head, pushing myself to standing and facing him
once again. I looked into his stare and saw determination and bliss, enjoyment
and sadness. I smiled at him and closed my eyes, giving him free reign to continue.
I owed this man and I would fight my wolf with everything I had not to break
free.
I
think he pulled his punches, withdrew some of that awesome strength that most
be bottled up inside all that bulk he carried. Even so I was on the floor much
quicker than he had been. I felt my face swell within minutes, blood flow from
cuts opening up under every contact from his large fists. I lasted ten minutes
before I felt her stirring, a little glint of her eyes, a little swish of her
tail against my spine. Claws dropped to my fingers and I held on tight,
wrapping her in promises of us, chaining her in whispers of connection. She
receded several times, she pushed forward several more. My body was tired and
bruised, aching under Lane's powerful punches. By the time he'd moved to
pounding into my stomach, my wolf's instincts were overriding reason.
"Lane,"
I whispered past swollen lips. "she's coming."
He
punched me in the mouth once more and I spat blood at him,"If you're still
talking...I haven’t done it right."
I
made a poor interpretation of a scowl,"can't hold her."
He
punched me once more and it knocked my head to the side, my jaw clicking out of
place. "Yes you can...don’t ruin this now...really don't want to start all
over."
I
winced at another blow to the stomach and nodded, watching him through swollen
eyes."keep going, faster."
He
picked up the pace, blow after blow until I could concentrate on nothing but
the pounding of my skull.
Through
the throbbing that encased my brain, the humming that invaded my hearing and
the blackness that fell over my vision, I saw light. A mist of swirling colours
that reached for me. Darkness blurred in with hazy white, a blurred line within
both of us that put me on the wrong side of good and evil. Slightly too much
over to the dark side and not enough of that pure white filling the gaps left
behind.
A
compulsion filled me to reach out and grab it, no matter that it was too far
away.
I
saw gold eyes glinting in the mist and knew that this was my wolf reaching for
my soul. My bond. My connection. That broken line that should have combined us
and instead blocked a symmetry that wasn't supposed to be possible; a pure bond
between wild and civilised. A perfect link between animal and man.
I
ignored Lanes punches, blocked the outside world from my inner ordeal and
forced myself to stand inside my mind. My eyes on the swirling mist in front of
me I walked a path leading straight to the howling wolf within. I looked down
and saw a golden path under my feet, a bridge to my holy grail, stepping stones
to my souls desire.
I
made it half way and saw my wolf's soul rushing towards me. I smiled at her
power, her strength of character. We met in the middle and easily slipped
inside each other, like a magnets draw there was no fight, only that which was
meant to be.
We
joined as one, perfect clarity, perfect understanding. United as two parts of
the same whole.
My
hearing came back as we joined. I heard no movement from Lane and felt no more
hits, I assumed he knew by the smile on my face that we had succeeded. I
flicked open my eyes and found them already less swollen, my face not so puffy
in healing. He was sat panting by my side, watching me with his lopsided smile.
"Well...that
was fun...only took a few hours."
I
coughed a laugh, I hadn't even noticed it had taken so long. I found I couldn't
keep the smile off my face, it refused to budge when for the first time in so
long I felt somewhat at peace, like all that was splintered in us both was
marginally repaired by just the act of bonding.
I
felt her push through for a moment, a moment long enough to flash her claws
through my fingertips. She swiped at Lane and a long gash appeared across his
chest. Blood pooling quickly and running down his sweating skin. I looked at
him alarmed and gaped at the deep mark she'd given him.
He
grabbed his stomach and deep scratchy bellows of laughter left his throat,
"Don’t worry...she's just letting me know...you're still in
charge...taking back her position."
He
looked me over and winced,"you're doing okay...let's hope Carvers
late...still see bruises at the moment." He started laughing again,
"hell...he'll take my head....for sure this time."
I
raised my eyebrows at him and shook my head," you are the oddest
man."