So
this is how it ends. Submersed in tempestuous waters, thrown at cliffs eroding
into shores, sediment settling in sea beds of riotous shifting. I'd had my
moment, a single glance at what could have been. Fate gave me a vision and took
it away without remorse, dangled a peaceful future close enough to grab only to
snatch it away so quickly.
I'd
not forgive her this. How quickly I fall.
I
ran with purpose, a heavy weight settled in my chest. It hurt to breathe so
panicked and unsure. Tears ripped my throat, clogged my vision and threatened
oxygen I gulped while pushing the animal away. I didn’t want to shift, I needed
the human and her speech not the animal who'd no doubt claw her way through
anyone to get to that old man. Carver would follow but I'd left him behind, him
and Lane dealing with guards I'd clawed, possibly killed, those trying to stop
my forceful run as their Captain shouted for me to stop. I found myself wishing
he was beside me, just this once, just for Sam.
She
lent me her speed, gave my legs the power of preternatural grace and agility.
It felt like miles, grounds blurring beneath my feet, buildings fuzzy as they
passed my eye. Like a recurring dream of running without gaining ground, the
harder you pump those arms the slower your pace. I was full of promises...to
never kill again. To never follow revenge and forget what mattered most. To
never be so self assured in my own worth. Words that haunted.
I'd lost nothing.
Blood
surrounded me. The smell of it, the taste hitting the back of my throat. I had
yet to be able to decipher between stale and fresh, it covered the courtyard
and every building in the vicinity to a degree that made it impossible to tell
where the smell began and ended. So embedded into every grain and particle,
saturated the dirt until it breathed life in a parody of animation, exhaled in
gusts of clotted air that turned the encampment into a city of dead.
I
stepped gingerly over desecrated grounds, my feet faltering as the farmhouse
loomed high, touching the amber sky in the rising morning. My cheeks wet with
tears I couldn't stop, my heart aching as it pumped it's broken chambers in
repetitive beats.
I
already knew.
I'd
been wallowing in fantasy,
this
was the man I loved. Why did I continue
to be so blind?
Mournful
howls from terrified dogs kicked my heart in my chest. I heard two solid skulls
battering holes into wooden doors as they raged and fought against their
containment. I left them behind the kitchen door as I flew through the entry
way, they were safe for now and they would remain so, I owed him that much. I
screamed through the house, echoes rebounded from silent walls.
"SAM!"
I
continued unanswered in my frantic searching.
I
stilled as I came to the second floor, two steps passed the staircase I found
his body sprawled on the carpet. Red staining the luxurious fabric, pooled and
spreading, searching crimson fingers grabbing for the carpeted edges. His sword
entered his back, high on his ribs, the hilt catching light steaming through
the hallway window. His hands remained half shifted as if he'd been surprised
and only reacted before falling to the floor. I blew out a breath and whispered
apologies to him for my ignorance.
"I'm
sorry Charlie."
I
removed the sword, it seemed useless with the amount of blood seeping from his
body, his pierced heart leaking every pint his huge size contained, yet I
needed to give him the chance. I dropped the sword by his side, not willing to
take what he obviously prized. The steps I took towards Sam’s bedroom seemed
the longest of my life, silent in imagined horrors, a hush of shaking limbs
that preceded a crash.
I
let the door swing open and bang against the holding wall. The windows were
open and morning birds awoken sang songs of life as death filled my soul.
I
crumpled.
Folded
into my own skin.
Sank
to the floor as my lungs deflated in agonising moans. The wolf howled within,
screaming that filled my head and begged my heart to stop, to die with the man
so limp and lifeless on the floor.
This is the man I loved.
I
stared through a waterfall of tears, so heavy only a blurred shape remained of
the old man I'd pinned my future on. I wiped away salted water, stinging cuts I
hadn't known I'd had. I crawled the carpet on hands and knees, following a
trail in velvet red that made me cringe as it met my skin. I found the hole in
his chest, wide and blackened, death reaching and pasting it's colour on his
heart. I touched his face, wrinkled and soft, losing its healthy vigour as his
body lost its blood. Heavy eyes flicked open, pained and worried and serene in
his finale. His weakened gaze locked on mine and I fell into the grief that
engulfed me.
"Oh,
dun worry girlie.." rough and deep, whispered in its hoarseness. "I
be fine, get ta see my woman...been missin' her."
My
tears fell and dripped, staining his face with sorrow I couldn't contain.
"Please
don't Sam, I can't do this without you."
His
smile was a ghost of all he'd been, wrenching my heart from my broken chest.
"Dun
nobody wanta live fo'eva'...I done my job righ' girlie, it's time you finish on
ya own."
"No!"
I was far from ready, I'm lost without him.
His
hand tried a shaky touch to my face, rubbing tears that fell without restraint.
"Ssh...you
give tha' Captain a chance ya hear? He an ass...bu' he dun know no
better."
I
only cried harder. It was like I couldn't stop, the animal cried with me and
the force of both our sorrow seemed a never ending torrent.
"I
love you Sam." And I did, so much it hurt.
"Ah
me too girlie, even tho' ya crazy...love every bit of ya."
His
breaths ended in gasps of pain and I felt worthless as they rocked his frame,
more worthless then I'd ever felt.
So
this is how I break. Not by force of some others deficiency. Not by lies and
misconceptions. Not by a beast so consumed and a human so tainted, but one man
wrapped up in all I'd come to cherish, one old man I found my heart in.
His
soft brown eyes closed on a smile. Everything I'd become died with him.
Everything I'd found in this new life seemed irrelevant without this man. I
broke piece by piece, fractured in the morning's startling light, cracked like
porcelain under the weight of a soul so bright it outshone the sun piercing the
room and highlighting all my failures.
I'd lost everything.
My
sorrow grew and morphed, expanded and invaded, became all encompassing in its
entirety. The beast raged in her distress, clawed long lines on my ribs, sank
painful talons into a heart already clenched in anguish. We were one in our
misery and it was desolation doubled. I clung to his withered frame, strong
even in death, even without the wolf that could have saved him. I raged at the
old man who'd let his wolf die, screamed at the fate that wanted to destroy me.
In this...she had won.
Heavy
tread walked the carpeted hallway, large feet blocked the doorway. I stayed
laying over Sam, protecting his soul in its release. I followed the feet with
unfocused eyes as they walked the room and stood parted in a watchers stance.
"Hello
lass."
I
gave him nothing but stillness. Lost inside my head and dead in the very centre
of my eyes.
He
tsked as I refused to look at him, "Seems I broke ya, come on now get up I
need ta finish this quickly."
I
flicked my eyes to his, following the madness as it consumed him.
He
smiled, one that stretched that rugged face."I played a good game didn't
I?"
I
nodded, he had outplayed us all.
"Why?"
I didn't care about his motives, I only cared why he'd had to involve Sam.
He
grinned wider, rabid in its humour. "Control," He shrugged wide
shoulders, "I want it."
He
shuffled a little and sat his large frame on the chair by the open
doorway."Played the governors at their own game, forced their hand to
start a war they'd never win. They killed themselves off."
"And
Daniel?"
He
laughed loudly and I cringed at the sound, "was going ta hand him over ta
Lane, found a better use for him." His smile was a permanent fixture on
his pale face, "you got rid of him for me didn't you?"
Yes
I'd certainly helped him get rid of his own witnesses. "Charlie was your
friend."
He
shrugged once more,"He was in my way."
I
needed his answer more then I needed to breathe."Why Sam?"
He
blew out a breath and fire burned inside me at his unaffected expression.
"Old man was too smart, figured me out even before today. Saw it in his
eyes as he looked at me and then he told me exactly what he thought; was too
easy he said, like they were bait. Fraser should have died too, then I'd have
been free and clear to take over," His voice became irritated and I fell
harder into the flames that burnt and overwhelmed. "Seems my plans must
change."
I
whispered past torches that scratched and seared my throat,"And
Lane?"
He
sighed and gritted his teeth, "He'll understand."
I
shook my head sadly,"No he won't. You used what tortured him and betrayed
those that gave him a home. He'll never forgive that."
Duncan
stared at me, sanity reaching through the lunacy."Seven hundred years
lass, I'm owed this."
I
looked at Sam, death swallowed his bright star. Seven hundred years of life
bred hate and irrational ambition. He'd been right, no one should live forever.
"No. You're owed nothing."
His
palm slammed into the wall and broken plaster rained to the floor."What do
you know? You're a CHILD!"
I
nodded in agreement, to him I was child. "Maybe...but I know you're weaker
than Carver. Why should you be given anything?"
His
rage flowed and ebbed, turned and weaved to devour his reason. "I'll take
what I'm owed." He rambled in his delusion.
My
wolf blinked her tired eyes, lost in pain she couldn't handle, too young and
newly birthed to handle such loss. The fire was all human in its inception,
embers filled my eyes until they burnt contempt through the redheads flickering
façade.
Carver
was coming. He felt my sorrow and my anger. I felt his storm that built the
flames higher, added gasoline to the already engulfing pyre. I wanted to peel
this man apart, show his innards to fate and scream at her for her injustices.
But
that's how I'd lost. That's how I continued to fail.
Sam
would say, 'ain't nuthin' fair 'bout fate.'
And
he'd be right. She didn't claim to be fair...only predetermined.
I'd
stay right here. Laying beside the man I'd claimed as my own. Allowing my
animal her grief, allowing the human her tears. Falling deep into anguish I
couldn't lift a hand to hide. I'd leave this traitor to Carver, let him get his
own revenge. I'd release those flames to burn and char the air, extinguish and
die in puffs of smoke, snuffed out in a breath of stale breeze. And I'd stay,
just where I should have been from the start.
With Sam.
This
is where I lay.
In
a bed of my own making.
One
part monster and one part child.
A
whole lot of anger wrapped up in wild.
A
little bit worn, a little bit out of control.
A
little bit blacker in the soul.
Sam’s
face still seemed so alive. Even motionless, without that ever present smile,
still he glowed when I looked at him. Maybe it's less the presence of life and
more the persons worth that shone through even in death. I found myself
reaching for his escaping essence, trying to steal a little of that light that
hovered and glistened, awaiting pick-up for the world beyond. I'd take my
piece, the little bit of himself he'd given me, I'd refuse to return it, keep
it locked down and hidden away, a treasure for my eyes only.
Duncan’s
ramblings had quietened, I assumed my lack of response had something to do with
it. I can't imagine his great reveal lived up to his expectations, I cared not
what his plans and deeds were, only that he'd destroyed what little love I'd
known.
The
less attention I paid him, the more irate I felt the air around me become.
Thickening in its provocation, incensed and slipping that precariously held
control. It seemed like hours had passed since I'd lost Sam, and yet it must
have only been minutes. I still felt Carver's hurricane coming my way, lifting
and hurling objects in his path. I still lay beside that old man, waiting only
for Duncan’s next move. It built, in swirling seas of ferocious swells, that
tide rising and falling, becoming dangerous in its fury. Duncan, like the shark
circling deep within the murky water, flashed his teeth at my disregard. His
animal breaching the skin and taking offence, showing his primitive dominance.
It
was a flashy show I found I didn't have the heart to respond to. I stared
blankly at the sharp teeth, blinking away his growl, closing my eyes to his
posturing. I sighed deeply and turned away from the redhead, not wanting to
look at his face. Carver was coming, he would finish this. And I would continue
in my nothingness.
I
felt confusion fill the air as Duncan’s growling animal cut off. No doubt he
expected a bigger reaction, I'm sure he was surprised at my beast so quiet
within. His footsteps pounded the carpet, heavy in the black military boots he
wore. I allowed his steps to come within inches of my limp figure, I allowed
his hand to grab my arm and I allowed him to drag me away from Sam’s body and
pull me standing in the middle of the room. I'm not entirely sure why I
reverted to allowing so much, maybe he was correct in saying he'd broken me.
All I knew was that the connection between mind and body, the part that should
have forced my hand to unleash it's claws, should have opened my mouth to shout
my rage at him, seemed to be missing. I was watching the scene from behind a
misted barrier, glass eyes and cottoned ears, I still understood everything
that happened yet I couldn't find it within myself to care.
His
rough and weathered hand wrapped around my neck and cut off everything but
shallow breathing. His claws slid quietly and seamlessly through the tips of
his fingers and I felt them tap and rest against my skin. Razor sharp and demon
hard they scratched at the pale surface and left tiny rivulets of blood running
through the cream. I felt the trickle as crimson ran down and left shivers in
its wake and yet, still I hung from his hand, propped and slightly stretched on
tip toes.
"Donae
think Carver will be here in time lass."
A
flicker in my eye registered his words. No, he'd probably be a bit too late.
I'd left him too many bodies to sort through and he hadn't realised my emotions
through this fragile bond quick enough. I wouldn't blame him this time, this
act of giving up was entirely my own fault. I'm sure Sam would have yelled at
me, probably even given me a swift kick up the ass. I'd apologise when I saw
him, I just couldn't summon the strength I'd so relied upon this far.
"Didn't
think it'd be this easy."
He
was amused and disappointed. Probably relishing his own games while at the same
time missing out on the fight he so enjoyed. He sighed as his hand clenched
tighter and air became harder and harder to take in.
"It's
alright lass, I'll make all the pain go away."
That
sounded nice. I'd like to be pain free for a while, maybe float on some calm
and quiet lake, let the cool water cover my ears and surround my senses in
placid tranquillity.
His
hand tightened further and I struggled slightly, some automatic response from
the bodies lack of air. I felt panic in some distant place, furious panic that
burnt and scorched and shouted at me to fight. Maybe it was the Captain who's
every step brought him closer and yet not close enough to save my head should
Duncan hear his oncoming roar.
My
own wolf finally lifted her head, taking a peak, disturbed from her grief by
that panicked anger. She didn't move a limb, didn't force her claws through
like so often before. Instead she let out a mournful howl, a call for family
lost and broken connections, a sound that brought tears I hadn't known I had
left to fill my eyes and blur my vision. A little bit of that call made me
smile, when all was lost and she found herself snowed under, buried in feelings
she couldn't cope with, the animal turned to instinct and signalled to the
other half of her soul, a wolf calling it's mate.
Carvers
responding roar shook the building and I heard his heavy steps as he pounded
gravelled grounds and blooded graves.
"Looks
like we've run out of time." Duncan's grin widened, his pleasure in
killing the Captain's mate obvious.
His
claws pierced my skin and I felt every stab as pain morphed and expanded,
taking over what was previously numb. A shadow moved behind Duncan, wider than
the already huge figure the Scotsman presented. Taller by a few inches, almost
on level with Carver.
I
frowned at the shadow, my vision blurring and spotting as air cut off in one
squeeze of Duncan's hand and my face heated and blood rushed to the surface. I
caught a glint of steel, one long Damascus sword that caught the mornings sun
and glittered gold over the pallid skin of the man holding my throat in his
fist. The tip of that sword burst through the front of Duncan's chest, spraying
wet fluid in my face and covering my gaze in red. My throat was released from
its clamp and I choked deep breaths into my lungs, sucking up air as Duncan
coughed and gurgled before me.
The
sword pulled back, removed from his chest and dripping thick blood onto the
carpet, joining with such heavy amounts already spilled this day. Duncan
staggered to the side and revealed the shadow clad in black, eyes piercing in
violence and face angled in fury. The Scot coughed a racking laugh, spitting
blood on the carpet as his lungs released the influx through the hole now
piercing them.
"Shoulda
known it'd take more ta kill ya."
Charlie's
face remained frozen in vengeance. His wild hair more beast than man and his
serene aura replaced with fierceness so overwhelming it battered at my wolf and
had her curling up in distress. I gasped for breaths with my damaged throat as
that ferocity punched at the room and I sank under the weight of it.
"Ya
feeding off me lad?" Duncan grinned in twisted pleasure, "Or the
girl? I'm sure she'd like ta know how ya still breathing right now."
I
flicked eyes to Charlie, his face remained impassive to Duncan's words, a
marble shell that held only anger and projected only wrath.
"Shoulda
gotten rid of you years ago, ain't right what you are."
Charlie
smiled. One that made even my wolf nervous, darkly sinister and utterly without
humour, it turned his chocolate eyes to pools of molten lava. He advanced on
Duncan slowly, his sword swinging as he flexed his wrist in a falsely relaxed
gesture. I heard the front door bang open and Duncan flicked eyes towards the
sound. Carver's footsteps destroyed the tiled flooring and cracking followed
every thud.
Duncan
smiled at Charlie and lifted a hand in farewell. "Love ta stay but I have
some things ta finish lad."
The
brunette's face tightened in its anger and he pounced as Duncan flipped his
bleeding figure through the window, leaving trails of crimson on the wall in
passing. Charlie's roar resounded through the house and I winced at the echo
vibrating my ears.
Carver
and Lane pushed through the doorway as Charlie stood watching the retreating
traitor.
I
found myself snatched up from the floor I'd fallen too, drained and limbs
weighted down by the wrathful beast's iron emotions. I watched blankly as Lane
knelt by Sam and touched his forehead, a hand passing over his face and closing
those brown soulful eyes for all time. A soft, gentle touch moved my head and
feathering fingers passed over the tender skin of my neck.
"I'll
get him, blood will be easy to follow for a while yet." Charlie's voice
was rough with wolf still pushing through and demanding payment.
"No...I
want him."
I
looked at Lane and saw pain in his grey eyes. Betrayal from a man he'd seen as
family, unabashed need to repair the trust he'd so desecrated between these
four men.
Carver
nodded at Lane, giving him the lead on Duncan's capture. The blonde turned and
me and smiled sadly at my unblinking eyes.
"I'm
sorry...bout Sam. He was better than...any of us."
The
dam broke once more and the wolf howled within, starting the song of the dead
for the pack to return. I hung limply from Carver's arms staring at his worried
face as he tracked the tears flowing so easily and the gasping breaths that
ached in my chest.
Lane
and Charlie left the room as howls echoed from around the camp, a lilting song
of respectful choirs.
Carver
pulled me tighter into his warm frame and I raised my hands to cling to
shoulders wide enough to bare the weight of all that pulled me down. He rocked
me slightly, standing quietly in Sam’s bedroom and my despondent wolf found
comfort in his arms. His whispers in my ear were mostly nonsense, words that
held little meaning except to ease. My walls were crumpled, bulldozed to dust
and ash. His final words were heard loud and clear without such blocks always
in the way.
"I'm
sorry I left you cherry, I'll never leave you alone again."
I
was something new in this aftermath. For a moment I was something without
guards, not hidden behind claws and teeth, not buried beneath anger and pain
but something free of past atrocities and without such heavy constraints.
Just
for this moment.