I think Sam put me to bed that night. I
lost all motor reflexes sometime after the second bottle. That old man winning
yet again, I should really just give up on trying to beat him at his own games.
I fell into the deepest sleep quicker and more fully than I ever remember
previously. All that alcohol proving to both the human and the beast that we
were not as invincible as we thought.
It was the oddest feeling. A dream I was in
full awareness of, watching a film inside my own head; the life and works of
one Captain Carver. Even in a floating state of consciousness, suspended on a
cloud of unbelievable imagination, a director in a chair of someone else's
script, that reaching bond worked it's way beneath my skin. Taking my preformed
opinions and twisting them into something new, something polished. Picking up
the tatters my soul had become and dusting off the filth, making it shine like
stars in the thickened, black backdrop.
He'd always been a large wolf, a strong
wolf. Even as a young boy he'd known he was different. Very quickly I came to
the conclusion that this bond would show me only important moments in the
Captain's life. I saw the first time he defended his honour, a young boy of six
showing the neighbouring children in their ratted clothes that he was not the piss-pot
they accused him of being. I couldn't help the twitch to my lips as I saw his
starkly drawn face contort in barely contained rage at the human boys
ridiculing him in old English slang.
I saw the time he truly connected with his
father for the first time. A man he'd grown to idolise from an early age. I
noticed Fraser had calmed somewhat in his older years, not so quick to temper
or so dominating a presence. Three hundred years ago, he'd been a heavily
influential Alpha and hard task master in his only sons training. Carver's
mother seemed to soothe the dynamic somewhat, regular glimpses of her soft
nature cutting through the harsh early life he'd lived. That period, a
different time to the one I'd lived through. A time when birth rates were low
and mortality rates high. I suppose his father had good reason for his
disciplined upbringing, perhaps just ensuring his son's survival.
I saw his first shift. At only ten years
old it was young for a wolf's first appearance. I winced at the strain on the
boy's face and the burst of animal forcing it's way out. The feral quality in
that small wolf's eyes only served to show how long he'd been struggling with
the power hidden so precariously inside.
I saw his first kill. Both as wolf and
human. The first time he slaughtered for food and the first time he slaughtered
for gain.
His appointment to the guard and the
training he endured. His fast track rise through the ranks and the opposition
he encountered as a still young wolf, at only one hundred years old. His
meteoric rise was impressive to me, I think I finally understood the animal he
was. A power so great that those Kings he'd defended could, not only fail to
match, but also envied for the aptitude that their titles should have been.
What a traitorous fault. That a Captain
should become more powerful than the King that rules.
I saw his first glimpse of Lane. A poor
copy of the man he was today. Skin and bones attached to a steel pole in the
centre of a mud and straw village in a vacant wood. I saw the wild Lane had
been, a red haze of fury so great it turned the teenage boy into a skeleton of
demon, ruined and despaired, attacking wolves that attempted to free his bonds
from where they'd sunken into the skin at his wrists, embedded into flesh and
becoming a part of his very structure. I saw Carver and Duncan wrestle with the
boy, a river of pain running down their faces as they held the snapping and
snarling body on the floor.
I saw his first meeting with Charlie. Sword
to sword on the Battlefield, they fought face to face for hours as the day
darkened to night, and warriors from both sides looked on in awe at neither man
giving an inch to the other. I saw as fierce pride turned to fierce respect and
a slow smile spread over Carver's face as this opponent finally, gave him a
fight worth losing. It was a new angle on the both the Captain and his second.
I saw the training room at the governor's
camp. The walk my father made on that long stretch of black carpet running the
halls length. A twelve year old girl clinging to his arm as he hastened them
past the open doors to the fighting guards. I saw the moment the girl looked up
and met his eyes, black on green, innocent on worn. I frowned in confusion as a
thunderous roar broke through the image, a flickering in that final picture as
it blinked in and out of view. It lingered in my head as my dreams receded and
I heard the roars as reality encroached on fantasy. It flickered in and out as
I woke, a question on the tip of my tongue, a thought encased in a hazy trance.
Why did I see that day?
I snapped my eyes open to a wolf's roar
shaking the house. A black head nudging my own from sleep. I patted Remy's hard
skull and pushed his nose away from my own as I sat up and winced at the sounds
coming from Carver's room. I felt shame as he roared. A deep sleep in my own
nightmares, living the life I'd hoped to remain my own madness. That heated
rush of embarrassment as I remembered the moments he would see, the weakness
I'd been so full of then. It became so obvious to me at that point, exactly why
I didn't want him to see this. Not because he'd steal my kill, not because he'd
pity me or that those secrets were mine to tell. But simply because the man
that had been given to me, so full of strength and promise, would see how
easily I'd been beaten down and just how far I'd fallen. It was pure shame that
filled the human and made the wolf push through. Forced the animal to take over
so that I could hide away in the muscled body that would never have allowed
such degradation.
She pushed open balcony doors that led to
Sam’s own little corner of fresh air. I heard his soft steps whispering around
on the kitchen floor, no doubt woken from the sofa by Carver's wolf crying out
his anger. She stepped into the early morning, still black as night and cold as
grave but a softness on the horizon indicating an approaching dawn. Her leap
from the balcony was swift with ease and soundless as she landed. Her head
turned once to the window that shook with a wolf's rage before she turned to
the path that would lead her behind the hall, only one destination in mind,
only those small animals that would need to be faster than light to escape her
turbulent emotions.
I rocked in my throne. Safely encased in
wolf, momentarily lost to the protection she offered. If anything, those
visions of Carver had only reiterated how wrong I was for this man. Maybe the
match had been made at birth, when I was still that Arya, and not the shell of
the original I had become. Now, I don't think we fit, now we were so very
different that it failed to force that feeling within, that I could make him
better in this match just as he should make me better. There wasn't a whole lot
left I had to offer that Captain that he didn't already have.
We burst through the wood in a flurry of
fur and claws that scattered rabbits and the foxes already stalking them. She
took over as the predator on site and slowly made her way through the
population until, once again, the area was cleared of night-time critters.
She sank to the forest floor and heaved a
sated breath. She was more morose then I'd ever known, a silent, melancholic
version of the usual raging beast. I sat staring out of gold at the forest
floor attempting to work through the emptiness emanating from such a prideful
creature. The suddenness of a dawning light like a birth after many years of
impotence, brought with it a new revelation. Without the simmering animosity,
beneath the furore and wrath, my wolf was empty of feeling. A space that could
not be filled by scampering rabbits and could not be sated by the human that
housed her. She was simply an animal without its counterpart. It was misery in
motion.
I spent a long while in my ineptitude.
Soothing a beast I was only just beginning to understand. Until crashing came
from the tree line, rumbles and grunts of a calling mate. She turned her head
to his oncoming thunderous steps, a preceding cinnamon scent catching her nose
and filling her lungs. She sat in wait, a predator meeting her perfect match, a
wildness meeting the barbarian that coveted. I allowed her this moment, I would
not intrude on this time. Whatever the outcome I found I couldn't deny the part
of me that was without doubt, my better half.
He stalked the Wolf that lay still on the
floor. It was an overt action of his intent to possess. As much as we both
disliked the notion, neither the human nor the animal could summon the usual
outrage. She followed the beast with her eyes, watching as he dropped to his
knees and crawled towards her. He reached her fur with his nose first,
breathing deep lungfuls of scented coat. Closing those black eyes as he tasted
cherries on each inhale.
She flopped to her side and lay staring at
the distant trees, a wolf lazy in her gloom. As the Captain slid alongside her
she snapped a warning, but continued to lay still until the animal he'd become
understood her needs. He wrapped her in one solid arm, encased her thick chest
in a steel embrace and relaxed against her thickly furred back. His wolf heaved
a breath behind her and blew the air out at her neck, shivers followed the
motion and she curled slightly, just a little, into the solid chest he gave her
to lean on.
I think the moment gave me pause. A look at
the person I was, a thought that I had projected my feelings onto the wolf
inside. And just maybe, I hadn't given that newly born animal a choice to
decide her own fate, to make her own ending without interference from the
stilted human.
A moment to treasure for the coming days. A
little bit of diamond sparkle before coal eclipses with a destructive cave in.
It was letting a wall down without having to show myself in full view, and in
the lightening gloom, in a private cocoon all our own, it was a little piece of
normal that was addicting in its brilliance.
"He's in that house?"
It was a question I didn't need to answer.
Of course he was in that house, why else would Carver have found me there?
I'd left him on that forest floor, my
animal having had enough of the wolf he'd let out. I think she enjoyed the
comfort he provided, but was unsure what else to do with him. Like a demon
child learning for the first time, she had a brand new toy she had yet to find
a use for. I smiled a little, she was an ever evolving amazement to me.
Carver had followed me back to the house,
keeping a decent distance, allowing her some space. I was now, forever aware of
exactly where that Captain was. It was both an annoying and satisfying little
quirk of this bond, one that no doubt would prove to be a beacon for him as
well, one more block in my road, one more way for him to never lose track of
me. It seemed our short respite would turn out to be exactly that, a 'time out'
on the battlefield, one pure moment of surrender from both sides before warfare
resumed.
"I don't think I can let you go."
I snarled at him, an automatic reaction
that he only nodded sadly at.
"I'm not saying I won't, just that I'm
finding it hard to let you go."
I couldn't stand that gravelly voice. How
beautiful I found it when all I wanted to feel was repelled. It was a hard
thing to ask of oneself, to find such a man repulsive. He'd been made to turn
heads, carved in images of faultlessness, moulded in precision, one simple
example of utter superiority. I was a failing student in my own teachings; how
to force my eyes away from their own addiction.
"We need to talk cherry... I have some
things I need to tell you." He closed his eyes on his words and I held my
breath. The light streaming through the kitchen window only highlighted his
tense features and I found the shadows under his cheekbones mesmerising.
"I should have said it from the start,
I honestly thought it would be better this way, " he coughed a scornful
laugh."Obviously I was wrong, I just can't seem to get it right with you
can I?"
Those eyes flashed to me for answer but I
had no absolution for him. He was correct, every step he gained he lost all on
his own. A hundred years would not forgive his actions, a hundred more would
just add fuel to my already blazing fire. And yet he'd gotten what he wanted
hadn't he? I was now and forever
his.
"If I let you go, finish what you've
started, will you come back?" He sighed, a long drawn out sound that
pulled at that hardened organ in my chest. "I'm not asking for everything
all at once, I just want this chance to change what I've done."
I gave the only answer I could, truth, even
in my ever disillusioned mind it was clarity in the midst of chaos."I
don't know...I'll come back for Sam, whatever happens."
He clenched his hands, so white in the loss
of blood flow they were almost translucent. "Okay," such pain
manifested in rigid shoulders and unyielding stature. I was avenged now, he
understood what he'd done when he'd taken my choice. I should be standing tall
in my victory, finding pleasure in his despondency and yet, all I felt was
numb. "We'll talk before you leave, I need to meet with Lane shortly and I
don't want any distractions when I explain what I need to. I'd like you to take
someone with you, just to cover your back Arya...that’s all. Lane maybe?"
I nodded in agreement, I found myself
completely out of words. I'd take Lane without argument, he would respect my
need to finish this without interruption.
I left him standing alone once more. Such
an overwhelming presence, a Captain of the guard standing solitary in his
kitchen, all that power muted and snuffed out like candles losing their flame.
How the lone female broke the great Captain.
Wearied limbs climbed solid stairs. I found
Remy near the top, a panting excitable animal probably missing his usual
sleeping arrangements. I held onto his hefty frame and we walked to the
bathroom together, I wanted nothing more but hot, steaming water and a slightly
uncomfortable sleeping position, wedged between a wall and one rather simple, black
mastiff.
Standing under streams of pulsing water I
felt disjointed in my own body.
So much.
So much had come to light,
fought through the veil of darkness that so twisted my memories and made them
born anew. The Living dead, bursting from the coffins I'd made for them,
disrupting the soil I'd covered them in. Those memories now alive once more,
refreshed and breathing, clear in his mind.
He'd taken them. Saw everything....and now
he's changed. Now he's sorry. I couldn't think any more, it simply became too
much.
I fell asleep wrapped around Remy, that dog
a cushion of comfort that asked nothing in return. When I woke I would say my
goodbyes, I'd tell Carver I'd see him again, even if I had to lie. I'd crush
those dogs to me and tell them truths; that I'd return for them no matter what.
And I'd say my goodbyes to that old man, the one that had rebuilt what had come
to him shattered.
It was still light when I woke, a hazy,
chilled afternoon sun. A beast still slumbered beside me, heavy breaths moving
his large chest and my arm that rested around him. A soft knocking on the door
snapped my attention from dazed to full. A crowd of voices in the distance
rumbled their way to my ears.
"Girlie? Ya need ta get up, ya
dressed?"
I cleared the sleep from my throat and
absently patted the blurry eyed dog beside me.
"Yes Sam, come in."
He entered quickly, Luce padding beside
him. "We go' lotsa company, damn near pushin' tha gate down."
I think my head was still full of
sleep,"What?"
He fussed with his clothes in agitation,
"Ya need ta move girlie, Carver wan' us out front. Those damn governors at
tha gate an' they ain't alone neither."
I pushed myself from the bed and went
straight to the bathroom, Sam following me and finally getting Remy out of bed.
He watched as I brushed my teeth quickly and splashed my face with cold water,
attempting to rid my brain of such deep, dreamless sleep.
"What are they doing here Sam?"
He huffed as he shook his head, "Dun
really know bu' they got tha' pack wit' them, crowdin' round Carver's
land." He shook his head, "go' more wolves out there then guards in
here, looks like they makin' a move b'fore ya Captain can."
I stopped in the middle of putting my hair
up, out the way of my vision and finally feeling content in it being out of my
face."Sam, you can't stay here."
He smiled at me and shrugged, "I be
fine, Ya think they goin' ta get in here?" He snorted, "they go' no
idea girlie."
I finished at the sink and turned to
him,"I'd rather you didn't stay, I was going to leave today anyway, you
could come with me." I hadn't wanted him to, didn't want him to see how
much I was capable of, didn't want that man to look at me with anything but his
normal amusement and care, but I'd still rather that then have him stay here in
the middle of turmoil.
He shook his head at me again, "This
ya own thing, dun need me taggin' along. I'll wait righ' here fo' ya, you jus'
remember ta come back fo' me."
I smiled a him, like I could forget, he was
tangled so far inside me, adhered to every part, so much so, that he was
impossible to remove."Always."
He gave me a gentle shove to the shoulder
and cleared his throat, "Come on crazy, dun wanna keep ya man
waitin'."
I had never realised before how much sound
the house muted. As soon as the front door opened to the grounds surrounding
that farmhouse, the noise level rose to roars of shouting men. I could see the
gate in the distance, bodies pushing and shoving, climbing the iron struts as
if they fully expected to gain access. They would not; the twenty strong guard
staring at them proved nothing would pass the line they'd made of themselves. I
saw Carver waiting for us, a grim expression on his darkened face. Lane stood
beside him and I could only assume Charlie and Duncan were elsewhere dealing
with the sudden appearance of the governors and Lane's new pack.
"What's going on?" I spoke to
Carver but Lane decided to answer for him.
His smile was large and full of excitement.
"We're being invaded....fun times."
I rolled my eyes, he was unquestionably
insane."Will they get in?"
He shook his head and laughed, "No
still it's fun...watching them try."
I frowned,"What's the point then, if
they can't get in?"
"They're trying to...force Carver out.
They have Fraser...on their side of the wall."
I stared at Carver, his face clenched as
his teeth ground together and he bit out his words. "And they'll die
horribly for it."
I looked at Sam to see him watching pack
wolves scramble over each other."Why now?"
Carver answered this time as he stepped
towards me, "They've discovered my plans I think. Someone has been playing
both sides, you can't be here, if for some reason they get in they will use you
against me."
I nodded slowly as I flicked my eyes
towards Sam. Carver followed my gaze and smiled a little.
"I'll have a guard watch him, Duncan
or Charlie. Don't worry he'll be fine."
I heaved a breath and stared into eyes as
black and endless as the sky at night. "I'll see you then."
He frowned and shook his head,"That's
all I get cherry?"
I shrugged, I didn’t know what he expected
exactly. I turned to join Lane but was snatched mid stride when a large hand
grabbed my waist and I was hauled to meet his gaze. Eye to eye, black to green.
Those tingles erupting in explosions with every part of me that met every part
of him. His breath teased my lips and he ran a rough thumb over them, following
the path his puff of air forged.
"Just this once." His husky voice
was a whisper on my lips as he lent forward and met my startled mouth with his.
I thought not once on the animal inside.
Not about the things that he'd done, not what was waiting for me so patiently
in that cell, in the prison I'd claimed as mine years ago, not the wolves
struggling at the gate, a fighting force of beasts clamouring for entrance.
Just his lips on mine, a little rough and a little rushed, but a touch of
something wholly male that took my breath and left me with the taste of
cinnamon.
I watched him walk away, my fingers
touching the lips he'd kissed. I heard Sam chuckling behind me and turned to
thump him gently with my free hand. He only laughed more and I once again gave
up, settling for only the battles I'd win.
I turned to Lane to see him smiling at me,
a little bit off and a little bit manic, but his meaning was abundantly
obvious.
I'd let him kiss me, and it hadn't been all
that bad.
I screwed my face up and shook those
tingles off, distracting in their tiny shocks. I looked up at Lane, grey eyes
full of imminent battle rage that would be completely wasted.
"Ready?"
That smile spread and morphed, becoming
something darker in its mutation. "Can't wait...let's go kill the
fucker."