“She isn’t lucid, Michelle,” he said in a heavy voice. “She thought she was talking to Felicia.”
“I know.”
Erik turned her around, placed a hand under her chin and searched her face. “Why are you crying?”
She sniffled, not answering.
“Tell me.”
Michelle was sure he understood what had just happened in that room, yet he wanted her to say it again. “I can’t.”
“Tell me,” he whispered in a tormented plea.
“Okay, it’s true. I love you! I don’t care if Danielle thought she was talking to Felicia. I was speaking from my heart. I meant every word. I love you, Erik. I love you, and I want to marry you and have your babies.”
“Oh, Michelle, my sweet, sweet Michelle.” Erik clasped her to him, his heart flipping erratically in his big chest. He felt her hot tears soaking into his shirt, scorching his flesh.
Michelle loved him, and she wanted to have his babies.
He groaned. God, how he wished he could tell her that he loved her, too. But he was not at liberty to do so. He was still battling with guilt, especially after what his mother had told him about Cassie. She had died so cruelly, cut down in the prime of her life. How could he love another woman before he avenged her death?
He was torn between loyalty for a dead woman’s memory and the burning passion in his soul for one who was very much alive, and who was now crying in his arms because he couldn’t tell her that he loved her.
Michelle pushed away from him. “I’m sorry.” With trembling fingers, she tried to press the wrinkles from his tear-soaked shirt.
Erik captured her fingers in his hands and held them against his chest. “Michelle, I don’t want you to be sorry. I appreciate your honesty, but you have to understand my predicament. I told you this morning that I’m not ready for this kind of commitment. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to fully commit again. There are issues I have to resolve, questions I need answered before I can open my heart to another woman. I don’t want to hurt you.”
She gazed at him through teary eyes. “I understand. And I’m sorry. This is a difficult time for you. Your mother is dying. Your daughter is confused, and—”
“I’m the one who’s sorry for pulling you into my topsy-turvy world. It’s very selfish of me. I should have waited before I—”
She placed a finger to his lips and gave him a trembling smile. “I’m not afraid of topsy-turvy. I’ve lived it all my life. Your topsy-turvy world is a lot better than the one I came from. And you couldn’t have pulled me in if I didn’t want to be pulled in, Erik.”
Erik threaded his fingers through her short silky hair then trailed the back of his hand along her cheek. “You’re too good. Too understanding.”
“That’s love.”
“I just need time. That’s all.”
She uttered a shaky laugh. “You have four years and eleven months.”
“God, I hope it doesn’t take that long.” He looked about him and his gaze settled on the bed in the center of the room. He suddenly felt exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
“Is this your bedroom?” Michelle asked with a ‘need-to-know’ look in her eyes.
“Yes. This is where I spent my childhood. Most of it.” He reached behind her and locked the door. “Come lie down with me for a little bit.”
“You think that’s a good idea? I mean with the way we feel about each other?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then trust that I will respect you. As much as I want to, I’m not going to make love to you, Michelle. I just want to hold you close to me.”
“But Precious—”
“Dad and the staff will take care of her. We’ve been going all day. I just need a little quiet right now. No more conversation about anything, okay? Just let your mind relax and go wherever it wants to go, and let your heart feel whatever it wants to feel. But don’t say a word.” He put a finger to his lips. “Shh.”
Michelle nodded and let him lead her over to the bed. She watched as he kicked his sandals off then knelt on the carpet and lifted her feet from hers with warm skillful hands. Except for Robert, no man had ever shown her such gentleness, such simple caring. Her heart swelled within her.
He stood up, pulled back the blue and white comforter and eased down on his side in the middle of the bed. He reached out his hand and pulled her gently down next to him, facing him. He smiled into her eyes then clasped his hand at the back of her head and pressed her face into the hollow of his neck.
He smelled wonderful, she thought, as his arms and legs wrapped around her and he tucked her into the strong warmth of his body, fitting them together perfectly. His arousal was evident, and even though her heart was beating out of control, the intense anxiety for sex wasn’t there. Instead, she felt a deep satisfying peace wash over her. He was like a drug.
Maybe she was tired. She didn’t know. But one thing she did know was that she’d never felt this safe, this secure with a man before. She’d never had this kind of intimacy. She never even knew it existed.
Ryan only held her when he wanted sex and right after he was done he’d pull away from her. At nights, he’d roll off of her, turn his back and begin snoring almost immediately while she laid in the dark looking up at the ceiling still waiting for something wonderful to happen. He never held her, never asked her if it was good for her. He just seemed not to care.
Michelle placed her open palm against Erik’s chest and closed her eyes. She knew that when they did make love, Erik would hold her. He’d caress her. He’d make sure it was good for her.
Maybe that was it: Ryan had sex with her. Erik would make love to her.
Every nerve in Erik’s body begged him to strip them both naked and make love to Michelle for the rest of the day, all night, into the early hours of dawn, until they were both too satiated to twitch a muscle, until Michelle couldn’t tell her sweet juicy backside from her brown sugar nipples.
But years of practicing restraint gave him the strength to hold this lovely irresistible woman in his arms and not go the distance.
He had Cassie to thank for that. She’d been old-fashioned, so sex before marriage was not an option for them. As a young man, he had to learn to control his sexual desires when most of his friends were scoring on a regular basis. It’s probably why he started running ten miles a day. He had to release that energy somewhere.
Cassie’s choice to remain pure had taught him to respect her, and all women in general.
It was many intimate moments like this one that had strengthened the bond between them. Not giving in to their needs had taught them to trust themselves, and each other. They’d grown to know each other’s bodies so well, and built so much tumescence during their courtship, he’d imagined their wedding night would be tantamount to a volcanic eruption.
Sadly, it was barely satisfying, probably because they were both virgins. It had gotten much better during their marriage, but he was still waiting for that big bang, the one he was sure he would experience with Michelle when the time was right.
Erik closed his eyes and embraced the sound of Michelle’s heart beating next to his and the feel of her warm breath fanning his throat. He tightened his hold on her as slumber pulled him under.
***
About an hour later, Michelle opened her eyes to find Erik leaning over her with a pleasant smile on his face. “We slept together,” she said, noting the remnants of sleep in his eyes.
“That we did. How do you feel?”
How did she feel? She thought for a moment. “Respected and respectful.”
Erik laughed so hard the bed shook. He ran a finger along her cheek, pausing to linger at a corner of her mouth. “Well, there’s only so much respect I have and so much temptation I can resist, so…” He swung his legs over the opposite side of the bed and walked around to put on his sandals. “I’ll go find Dad and Precious while you freshen up. The bathroom’s through there.” He pointed at a closed door.
“What do we tell them when they ask where we were, what we were doing?”
“We’ll tell them the truth. We were napping.” He walked over to the door and opened it. “Don’t be too long,” he said, stepping out and closing it behind him.
Michelle turned on her back and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t believe they’d just been locked away in a bedroom, slept in each other’s arms and he hadn’t touched her.
“Well, that’s not entirely true,” she corrected herself as she abandoned the bed and walked into the bathroom. He had touched her, in the most intimate part of her being. He’d touched her heart and her soul, introduced her to a deeper, more meaningful experience to which no physical contact could compare.
He was the most extraordinary man—make that person—she’d ever met. No wonder Bridget Ashley and—she was certain—many other women she hadn’t met were fighting for his attention.
He was worth fighting over. She smiled, feeling in her heart that she wouldn’t have to fight for him. All the signs told her that if she played her cards well, he would choose her when he was ready.
As she emerged from the bathroom, Michelle scanned the bedroom with her eyes. Erik’s presence was everywhere. Life size posters of famous athletes and banners of various sport teams were showcased on the blue-green walls—perhaps the way he’d left them before he went off to college, she thought.
She stood in front of a mahogany dresser laden with trophies and medals he’d won in cross-country and sprint races at Granite Falls School. He’d told her that he ran to keep the weight off, but now she realized that running was really a passion for him.
“Hey, are you coming out anytime soon?” she heard Erik ask from outside the closed door.
“In a minute.” Michelle picked up a brush from the dresser—Erik’s brush—and fixed her hair. She slid a finger across her tongue and creased down her eyebrows. Satisfied that she looked decent again, she shoved her feet into her sandals and opened the door. “I was admiring your trophies,” she said to Erik.
“Oh, those.” He shrugged.
“Yes, those. You didn’t tell me running was your passion.”
He gave a seductive smile. “I have many passions, Michelle.”
“I’m sure you do,” Michelle said slyly.
“Where are you taking me tonight?” she asked as he took her hand and led her toward the back of the house.
“To a very special place. You’ll like it.”
“Have you already asked your father to watch Precious?”
“Nope, but it wouldn’t be a problem.”
“Wouldn’t he be surprised that you want to take your daughter’s nanny out on the town for a romantic evening?”
He chuckled. “He’d be surprised if I didn’t. Are you forgetting his reaction when he met you this afternoon? He’s not stupid.”
But I am
, Michelle thought as her heart skipped a fast beat. What the heck was she doing?
***
“You look beautiful.”
Michelle pulled her gaze from the window of the restaurant overlooking Crystal Lake to admire her date in a green silk sports-shirt and dark slacks. “Thanks. And thanks for bringing me to this lovely restaurant,” she added, looking around the packed room. She wanted to add ‘expensive,’ but that would be too cheesy.
She’d almost choked at the prices on the menu. Even the appetizers they had decided to skip were in the double digits. This would definitely be the most expensive meal she ever had.
“Andreas is the best in town—in food and venue. This dining room is far less formal than the one upstairs. I’ll take you upstairs on our next trip.” He smiled. “Tables are booked months in advance with a non-refundable deposit.”
“So, how did you get one at such short notice?”
“I know the owner, Adam Andreas. He was one of my three best friends growing up, and still is. This location is the first of what is now an exclusive international chain of hotels and restaurants. Andreas has been a hit since opening night.” He paused. “I used to come here a lot with...”
“It’s okay, Erik,” Michelle said when his voice trailed off and a faraway look came into his eyes. “You can talk about Cassie.” She reached across the table and laced her fingers with his. Yesterday, she probably would not have been so bold. But after the intimacies they’d shared today, she felt confident enough to initiate physical contact with him.
“I don't want to talk about Cassie tonight. Let’s talk about you instead.”
“Me?”
“You and your father. Is he the one who hurt you, Michelle?” His fingers tightened about hers.
Michelle’s throat dried up. She took a sip of water. The absolute last person she wanted to talk about was her father. She tugged her hand from Erik’s and folded her arms across the table. “There’s nothing much to talk about.”
“There might not be much, but there is something. Every time I bring him up, you get nervous or quiet. Can you not forgive him for turning his back on you after your mother died?”
Michelle dropped her gaze. There was only one way to end this constant barrage of questions about her father. After what they shared today, she felt she could tell him anything. He said he wanted her to trust him, and strangely enough, she did.
She swallowed the anxiety in her throat and raised her lids to find Erik watching her with tenderness and patience she’d seen only in one other man—her brother.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“My father didn’t just ignore Robert and me, Erik. He used to hit us.”
His jaws tightened and the gold specks in his eyes that had beamed with patience just a moment ago, now glowed with fury.
“That is until Robert was old enough to fight back,” she continued when he said nothing. “Even when I was older and Robert wasn’t home to protect me, he let into me.”
“He hit you. Your father hit you,” he said through clenched teeth.
Michelle watched his hands ball into fists on the table. If her father was anywhere close by, Erik would kill him with his bare hands.
When she’d told Ryan about her abusive childhood, he’d rolled his eyes and said, ‘Lots a kids get beat up by their parents, Michelle. Mine knocked me around. You’re not special, girl.’ Ryan had merely confirmed what she believed all her life—she wasn’t special.