The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (15 page)

“
I’m not
meant to be in a pub,” Charlie suddenly announced to me.

“
Why is that?”
I asked half-heartedly. I really didn’t care, I had been trying to
drown out his annoying voice the moment we arrived at the
pub.

“
Well, a
couple of weeks ago we were in this pub and I saw this guy I
recognised. This fella had taken liberties with me in the past, so
I went over to front him out.”

If I had a pound for every time
I heard Charlie start a story like this in the past year I would
probably have about £608. Granted that is not a lot of money, but
you try sitting through 608 of his bullshit stories.

“
Anyway, he
gives it the large and before you can say Reggie Kray, it has all
kicked off. There are punches flying everywhere, and the last thing
I remember is connecting with a beautiful right hook,” he paused.
“And then I blacked out.”

Charlie went quiet, shaking his
head and looking to the distance, trying his best to look
contemplative. “So what happened?” I begrudgingly asked.

“
I woke up in
a police cell. I banged on the door and demanded to know what had
happened. Old Bill comes in and tells me I’ve nearly killed the
bloke – he’s in a coma.” He took a drink and sat back with his arms
folded. “Anyway, they had to let me go because there wasn’t enough
evidence.”

“
They let you
go because there was no evidence?” I said cynically. Charlie simply
nodded, leaving me to wonder how the hell I was related to this
guy. “Unbelievable,” I said shaking my head with a degree of
ambiguity that he expected me to believe this.

“
Tell me about
it,” Charlie said.

“
And what
exactly had this guy done to deserve such a savage beating at your
hands?” I asked sarcastically.

“
He knocked my
chips out of my hand when I was 12,” Charlie announced. “That'll
learn him.”

“
Unbelievable,” I uttered under my breath again.

“
So
cuz
...” Charlie started.
I bit my lip, fighting back the urge to smash my glass over his
head. “...talk to me about your sex problems.”

I almost choked on my beer. I
looked around the bar and saw an old man at the next table across
giving us a strange look. “Keep your voice down,” I said wiping the
beer away from my chin. “And I don’t have any sex problems.”

“
Sure you do,”
he said. “You’re not getting any at the moment, are
you?”

“
That is none
of your business.”

“
Look, we’re
family,” Charlie said. “Maybe I can help.”

Everything
inside screamed at me not to listen to him; to change the subject.
But the truth was I was desperate; I was willing to try anything.
Besides, he
was
family. Maybe he could help.

“
Okay,” I took
two huge mouthfuls and plunged straight into my story. I explained
the whole sorry tale; the unbearable strain of two sexless months.
No matter what I tried I couldn’t even manage a conversation with a
girl, let alone get one into bed. He listened attentively, his face
twisted in deep thought. He scratched his chin and made
hmm’ing
noises and would
say “I see” in response to what I was telling him.

“
I think I
know what your problem is,” Charlie finally said after I had
finished. I studied his face. Maybe I had been wrong about my
cousin. Maybe he did have the answers. They say that salvation can
be found in the most unlikely of places.

“
Your
problem,” Charlie said taking another sip from his beer, “is a
common one.”

My God I thought – it was a
common problem! I was so relieved. This meant I wasn’t alone. I
grabbed my pint and took a large mouthful. “Tell me,” I said
staring deep into my cousin’s eyes. “What is it?”

Charlie sat his pint down. He
looked at me and for the first time I could see the family bond
between us. Maybe this would be the start of a different
relationship for us. This is the moment we would look back as the
day we became more than cousins. We became brothers.

“
The problem
is,” his eyes softened as he spoke, “that you are a massive gaylord
and prefer bum love.” Charlie burst into uncontrollable hyena-like
laughing. “You should see your face!”

Why had I allowed myself to be
taken in by this fool? “I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you,” I
said sitting back in my seat. I was so annoyed at myself.

“
Oh come
on.
cuz
,” Charlie
said. “Don’t sweat the petty things – pet the sweaty things!” And
queue the second bout of hyena-esque laughter.

What an idiot. Here was a guy
who was probably getting even less action than me. Once again I was
left wondering how I was related to this moron sitting opposite me.
If I did have to sit here with this simpleton then I decided that I
might as well have some fun myself. I decided to turn the tables.
“Tell me then, Charlie, if you are such an expert, what is the best
sexual experience you have ever had with a woman?”

“
What?”
Charlie looked stumped, the laughing almost coming to an abrupt
end. He took a swig of his pint. “There have been too many,” he
said trying to wave me away.

“
Come
on,
cuz,
you must
have some stories you can share?”

I could see the cogs slowly
turning in his head as he mulled over what piece of bullshit he was
going to try and sell to me. He slammed his pint down. “I once gave
a girl shin burn.”

“
What the hell
is shin burn?” I asked with a smile, knowing full well he meant
carpet burn.

“
You know,
shin burn?” he said with a slight look of panic across his
face.

“
Tell me what
position you have to have a girl in to give her shin burn.” I
leaned forward watching him squirm. I was starting to enjoy
this.

“
How did it go
again?” Charlie started to try and position his body in a way in
which he could have inflicted shin burn during his imaginary sexual
encounter. “The burn was on the outside of the leg, I remember
that,” he mumbled.

“
That’s good,”
I said with a wicked grin and a large dose of sarcasm. “So we know
it wasn’t an internal burn.”

Charlie stood and tried to bend
his body into a position to show me how shin burn worked. Finally
he slumped back down into his chair. “I can’t remember, it was so
long ago,” he finally conceded. “Drink up, let’s head back.”

I laughed and
shook my head. Charlie didn’t say a word on the way home. No
cuz,
no nudging, no more
ridiculous lies. In fact, he must have been pretty embarrassed
because he managed to talk my aunt and uncle into leaving about 10
minutes after we arrived home.

I decided to take off as well.
It was getting late and I needed to catch my train home. My dad
said he would give me a lift to the station. I hugged my mum and we
said our goodbyes.

“
I’m sorry I
didn’t get the chance to have a proper chat with you earlier,
love,” my mum said. “Are you sure you are okay?”

“
I’m fine,
mum.”

“
Because you
can always talk to your old mum about relationships and meeting new
girls,” she said with a hopeful smile that I would suddenly cave in
and tell her my innermost secrets.

“
If I had
something to tell, I promise you I would.”

“
Alright
then,” and she pulled me down to kiss me on my forehead. “Remember
this – don’t spend a lifetime looking for someone you have already
found.”

I looked at her, unconditional
love in her eyes. It was the type of advice that only the woman who
had carried me for nine months could give.

“
I’m not
getting back with Stacey,” I replied bluntly. She may have carried
me for nine months, but she really didn’t have a clue what she was
talking about. Did she not understand that I just wanted to get my
leg over?

Chapter 10:
Office Dares

Friday, March 27, 2009 -
11.42am

Drought Clock: 85 days, 0
hours, 55 minutes

“
Here are the
rules,” I said holding court to Kelly. “To make this day a little
more interesting we are going to play a little game.” The game was
simple. I’d found a website that listed a host of office dares. I
printed them out and then cut them into small pieces of paper and
placed them in my coffee mug.

“
We take turns
to pull out a dare. Whoever completes the most dares in the next
hour will be declared the winner. Are you in?”

“
I’m in,”
Kelly said without hesitation. “You go first.”

I pulled out a small piece of
paper from the mug and a cheeky grin appeared across my face. “What
is it?” Kelly said excitedly, clasping her hands together.

“
Patience, my
dear,” I said to tease her and started to type away. I printed out
the document I had created and tucked it into an envelope. “Now we
play the waiting game,” I said, locking my fingers together under
my chin.

“
Tell me what
it is,” Kelly said again. I put my finger up to my lips. I looked
around the office and spotted my victim: Pete Crowford. Pete had
been the butt of many an office prank. He was perfect. I once took
his coffee mug home and drilled a hole in the bottom of it. I then
filled the hole with melted candle wax, and watched in great
childish delight as Pete managed to get two or three paces away
from the kettle before the wax melted and coffee started pouring
through the hole.

“
Pete,” I
called out as he walked past my desk.

“
What do you
want, Hilles?” he scowled at me.

“
Are you going
into Dick’s office?”

“
Yes, what do
you want?”

“
Can you give
this to him please?”

I handed Pete the envelope. He
looked at it suspiciously and then sneered at me before carrying on
towards Dick’s office.

“
What have you
put in that envelope,” Kelly enquired again, a big smile on her
face. “Tell me!”

“
Good things
come to those who wait,” I told her and then had to duck to avoid
the piece of rolled up paper she threw at me. We continued with our
work but within five minutes Pete came storming out of the office,
holding the envelope and piece of paper in his hand.

“
Hilles, you
idiot,” Pete said waving the piece of paper at me. “This is a
resignation letter,” he stated sternly.

“
No Pete,
it’s
your
resignation letter,” I replied, smiling.

“
Not funny,
Hilles. It took me ages to convince Dick not to accept it,” and he
slammed the resignation letter down on my desk before storming back
off to his cave in the IT department.

“
That was
awesome,” Kelly said clapping her hands. “My turn!” Kelly gleamed
and dug her fingers into the mug and pulled out a dare. “I can’t do
this,” she squealed and handed me the piece of paper.

“
Are you
kidding me?” I said reading it. “This is easy. You can’t back out
on the first one,” I told her and handed it back to her.

“
Just five
songs?” Kelly asked.

“
At least,” I
told her. “You must get at least five Madonna song titles into your
next phone call.”

Kelly quickly scribbled down as
many Madonna songs as she could and then looked up at me. “I’m
ready.” Kelly picked up the phone and dialled.

Kelly:
Hello, could I speak to Mr Thomas
please?

Mr
Thomas:
This is Mr Thomas.

Kelly:
Oh, Mr Thomas. I thought you were still on
Holiday.

Mr
Thomas:
I haven’t been on holiday this
year. I’m sorry, who is this?

Kelly:
Who’s That Girl
I hear
you say? This is Kelly Campbell from Maxwell Media. I wanted to
talk to you about your advertising plans this year.

Mr
Thomas:
I’m sorry, I don’t
advertise.

Kelly:
But I haven’t even got
Into the Groove
with my pitch yet Mr
Thomas. You haven’t even listened to what I have to say.

Mr
Thomas:
Nothing you can say will change my
mind. I have never advertised in my life – I don’t believe it
works. Good old word of mouth is all I need to promote my
company.

Kelly:
Papa Don’t Preach
is
what I always say to my dad when he tries to tell me that
advertising doesn’t work.

Mr
Thomas:
He sounds like a very smart
man.

Kelly:
Not really, he’s like you in that he’s
just
Like a Virgin
when it comes to advertising. He has never done it
either.

Mr
Thomas:
I beg your pardon?

Kelly slammed the phone down
and burst out laughing. “I can’t believe I just did that!” I gave
Kelly a high-five to show my appreciation at a job well done.