The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (34 page)

Jack took another drink from
his pint. “I told her that I thought I would look good on her.”

Laughing, we all sighed and
shook our heads disapprovingly. “When will you learn?” Rob asked
him.

“
Hey, it’s not
my fault the girl is frigid,” Jack said, and we all raised our
eyebrows at him. “She must be a lesbian.”

“
You’re so
full of shit,” Ollie said laughing. “I knew your stupid one-liners
wouldn’t work on girls in a place like this.”

“
Oh really?”
Jack said, putting his drink down on the table and rubbing his
hands together. “You willing to put a little wager on
that?”

“
I’ll have
some of that,” I said.

And so begun the great chat-up
challenge of 2009. The rules were simple: Jack had to avoid being
shunned and get a phone number from just one girl using his array
of one-liners to win £45. We had all bet £15 against his tenner,
which meant if he lost he would have to shell out £30.

“
Easy money,”
Jack disposed of the remainder of his pint and set off to work his
magic. For the next 20 minutes, we watched as Jack worked his way
through his jukebox of cheesy chat-up lines to a varied selection
of responses:

Jack:
Why don't we go back to my place and do the
things I'm going to tell people we did anyway?

Blonde
Girl:
Piss off, creep.

Jack:
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty
mind like mine?

Short-haired
girl:
I don’t know, but if you don’t get
me out, I’ll punch my way out.

Jack:
(Licks his finger and then touches the girl's
clothing)
Let's get you out of those wet
clothes.

Brunette:
Touch me again and I’ll
break your arm

Jack:
The word of the day is “legs.” Let's go back to
my place and spread the word.

Tall
Girl:
Why don’t you spread and I’ll use my
legs to kick?

Jack:
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name
Gretchen?

Gretchen:
Yes, it is actually. Do we
know each other?

Jack:
(Pause)
I’m going to
level with you – I was trying to use a pick-up line and it’s
backfired.

Gretchen:
I don’t get it.

Tall
Girl:
Don’t talk to him, Gretch, he’s a
bloody pervert.

Jack was on the ropes and
practically out on his feet, and like any fighter on the brink of a
knockout, he looked like he was ready to throw in the towel as he
sulked his way back over to us.

“
Let me
guess,” Rob said. “They’re all frigid?”

“
Or lesbians,”
I said.

“
Lesbians?
Where?” Ollie said, craning his neck back and forth to scan the bar
for the lady lovers.

Jack ignored Ollie’s stupidity.
“Whatever, the night is young,” he responded, motioning that he was
still up for the fight. “Those girls were just small fry before the
main course. I’ve got bigger fish to fry yet.”

We all laughed, so much so that
I didn’t even notice Kelly appear. “What’s so funny?” she
asked.

“
Hi Kelly,” I
said. “Jack here was just trying to,” I pondered before continuing,
“How can I say? Get better acquainted with some of the ladies here
at Paul’s party.”

“
Ooh, really?”
she excitedly said. “Show me which ones? Some of my friends are
here so I’ll be keeping my eye on you boys. My friends like a man
who can romance them.”

“
I’d like to
romance the shit out of them,” Jack said under his
breath.

Kelly’s expression said she
hadn’t heard what Jack had said and she looked to me for help.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Let me buy you a drink, it’s time the
hostess took a break.” We made our way to the bar. “So how has it
all gone so far tonight?” I asked as I ordered our drinks.

“
It has gone
well,” she said. “Paul is on his way to getting really drunk so
I’ll have to keep an eye on him later.”

“
Well, it is
his birthday so he’s got an excuse. Besides, I can hardly talk
after my recent escapades,” and I filled Kelly in with the details
of my recent dates with fanny-fart Hannah, clitless Kayleigh, and
dry-humping Lucy.

“
Seriously,
stop laughing,” I told Kelly. “You are not helping with my
self-esteem.”

“
Oh Dan, how
do you manage to get yourself into these situations?” Kelly
replied, still laughing.

“
There you
are,” Paul interrupted, grabbing Kelly around her waist from
behind, and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Come here,
gorgeous.”

“
Get off me,
you drunk,” she said half-jokingly, but with a hint of tension in
her voice. “You remember Dan from my office, don’t you?”

“
Hi Paul,” I
said extending my hand, “Happy birthday, mate.”

“
Of course I
remember Dan. He’s the
funny
one you work with,” Paul said. There was an edge
of cynicism in his voice, but I decided to ignore it as he extended
his hand to shake mine. “How are you, mate?” Paul
slurred.

I could tell he was drunk by
the way his eyes glazed over. Kelly looked uncomfortable with the
situation, and there was now definitely tension in the air. I tried
to pretend I hadn’t noticed. “I’m good thanks. I hear you liked
your present.”

“
I loved it,
the best present I’ve ever been given in my life,” and he put his
arm around Kelly’s neck and pulled her close to give her another
sloppy kiss on the side of her face. He then turned back to me.
“I
suppose
I
should thank you as well seeing as you picked it out for
me.”

“
I told Paul
that you helped me pick the present,” Kelly said in a tone that
sounded like she was trying to avoid a potentially difficult
situation. I was confused at what was happening, like there was
some sort of in-joke going on and I was the one on the outside,
except it didn’t feel like there was going to be a punch
line.

“
It was Kelly
who picked it out really, I just went along to make sure she didn’t
buy you a man-bag,” I joked to try and ease the tension and divert
the direction of where this conversation was heading. It didn’t
work.

“
I wondered
when you were going to start cracking a few jokes,
funny
man.” Paul
sarcastically remarked, patronisingly slapping me across the cheek
three times.

I’d had enough of this. “Sorry,
but is there some sort of problem here?” I asked.

“
Problem?”
Paul sneered as he removed the arm he had draped around Kelly’s
neck. “I’ll tell you what the problem is. I don’t appreciate you
sniffing around my girlfriend.”

“
What?” I
wasn’t expecting that response. I had met Paul three or four times
and we had always got on.

“
Stop it,
Paul, you’re drunk,” Kelly tried to push him away, but he kept
trying to move towards me until he was right up in my face. I could
smell the whisky on his breath as he sprayed me with his
tirade.

“
I saw the
text you sent her. Saying how she was the
one.
” That bloody text I thought to
myself. “What are you even doing here?” Paul demanded to know.
“You’ve got some front turning up on
my
birthday and trying to crack on
with
my
girlfriend.”

“
Enough,
Paul!” Kelly pulled him away. “I’m sorry, Dan, he doesn’t know what
he’s saying.”

I was genuinely speechless, but
my blood boiled inside. Not because of the ridiculous statements he
was throwing around, but because I could see how this was upsetting
Kelly. I decided the best thing I could do at that moment was to
swallow my pride, be the bigger man and walk away.

“
I think I’d
better go, Kelly,” I said. “I’m really sorry if I’ve caused any
problems tonight. I’ll see you on Monday.”

“
Yeah, go on.
Get out of here,” Paul said.

“
Dan, please
don’t go,” Kelly called out as I turned away. “You’re such an
idiot, what did you do that for? I’ve told you before, we’re just
friends.” I heard her say to Paul.

“
Come on,
we’re going,” I said as I got back to the boys.

“
Why, what’s
happened?” Rob said.

“
Let’s just
get out of here, I’ll tell you outside.”

The boys quickly drank up and
we made our way through the crowd, and up the stairs to the bar
entrance.

“
Hold on,”
Jack suddenly said as we were about to leave. “This doesn’t mean I
lose the bet.”

“
I’m afraid it
does,” Ollie said with a shrug of the shoulders. “You had your
chance.”

“
No, there is
still time,” Jack said panicking, and looking around the room for
one last target.

“
What about
her?” Ollie said pointing at a girl standing at the entrance door.
She had shoulder-length, wavy light-brown hair. Her face was caked
in make-up, and her mini skirt and low-cut top left little to the
imagination.

Jack studied
her closely. “Her face is butters,” he commented, rubbing his chin
thoughtfully. “But her body is
absolute
,” he said with the usual
one-fingered index salute. “Here we go.”

Jack walked over to her, a
little less cocky than usual, realising that his male pride and
thirty quid rested on this working.

“
Excuse me,”
he said tapping her on the shoulder. “Do you believe in helping the
homeless?”

“
What?” she
said chewing a massive wad of gum.

“
You know,
charity?” Jack said straightening his collar. “Do you believe in
helping the homeless?”

“
Yeah, I
suppose so.”

“
Then take me
home with you,” he said, a big smile on his face and his arms
stretched out wide.

She looked him up and down, and
then met his gaze. She chewed her gum some more, flicking it from
one side of her mouth to another. Jack strained his smile and
raised his eyebrows in the anticipation of her answer.

“
Alright
then,” she finally answered. “Let’s go back to mine.”

Jack turned to us, his face
beaming. You couldn’t help but love the guy. His persistence had
finally paid off. If Jack was anything he was a man who played the
odds game, with him rationalising that sooner or later someone
would finally give in to him. Or be drunk enough to not know what
they were doing.

“
That will be
45 squid please gents,” he said with his palm extended out. We paid
him the money. “It’s a pleasure doing business with you. I am now
off to do the business with old butters’ face. So long,
losers!”

We left the bar and watched
Jack bundle his new friend into a taxi, giving us the thumbs up as
he did so. “Hold up, Jack,” Ollie shouted after him. “You can drop
me off at Tooting Broadway. See you later, guys.”

Jack’s cocky expression
suddenly disappeared as Ollie bounded towards him. Jack tried
closing the door of the taxi, but Ollie overpowered him and forced
his way in, and all three of them squashed into the back seat like
a tin of sardines. We watched the taxi pull away and disappear into
the busy London traffic, with Jack furiously shaking his finger in
Ollie’s face.

“
Ten quid says
they end up in a threesome,” Rob said to me.

“
I’ve lost
enough money already tonight,” I declined to take the bet. “Come
on, let’s get out of here.”

We walked in the direction of
Greek Street. I told Rob what had happened in the bar; the way Paul
had accused me of trying to hit on Kelly.

“
Have you
tried hitting on her?” Paul asked.

“
No, no way.
She is just a friend,” I told him.

“
You sure?” he
pressed me. “There seems to be a bit of chemistry
there.”

“
There isn’t,”
I paused. “We just get on.”

“
In that case,
I’ll ask again, do you mind if I have a crack?”

“
Yes, I do
mind.”

Rob laughed, and slapped me on
the back. I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I reached in
and pulled it out. It was a text from Kelly.

I’m so sorry x

Chapter 22:
Kelly’s Hero

Monday, August 10, 2009 -
7.57am

Drought Clock: 221 days, 4
hours, 40 minutes

Kelly was already at her desk
when I got in. I was surprised to see her as it was 8am and she was
never normally in this early.

“
Morning,” I
said as I approached. She turned to face me and immediately I could
see she had been crying.

“
What’s
wrong?” I asked throwing my bag down and quickly moving to be at
her side.

“
I broke up
with Paul,” Kelly said, tears streaming down her face.

“
Come here,” I
said hugging her.

*