The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (39 page)

“
That was
pretty impressive. Are you sure you don’t have anything else you
need to tell me?” Kelly asked.

“
Like what?” I
said raising my eyebrows.

“
Something you
might need to tell me back at your flat?” she said with a devilish
look in her eye, wrapping her arms around me.

For a second I was confused,
but I soon cottoned on to what she meant. “Yes,” I finally said
with some authority. “Yes, I do.” But then I remembered – Jack and
Rosalie. There was no way I was going to get back into my bed
without burning the sheets after seeing what I had seen.

“
We have a
small problem,” I said. Kelly looked down at my trousers. “No, no.
Not that kind of problem,” I protested, and then explained the Jack
situation.

“
Let’s go back
to mine then,” Kelly suggested.

I took Kelly by the hand and
started to guide her back towards her flat. With each step my pace
quickened. Kelly’s place must have been a 15-minute walk away. I
dragged her there in about four minutes flat.

Kelly fumbled with her key in
the lock. I jigged up and down impatiently. She explained that the
key sometimes got stuck. I took the key from her and tried to force
it in.

“
Oh shit,” I
said as I broke the key in the lock. I looked at Kelly who looked
as horrified as me. I looked back at the door. This was not going
to happen. Not to me. Not today. I stepped back and charged at the
door. Nothing. I took another run and crashed shoulder first.
Nothing!

I stood back rubbing my arm in
quite some pain. “Shall I call a locksmith?” Kelly asked.

I was not going to let this get
in my way. And with all my might I flung myself at the door,
breaking through the lock, wooden splinters spraying out from the
now broken door frame. I turned to Kelly and picked her up in my
arms. “You might want to call that locksmith later on,” I said and
with that I carried her upstairs to the bedroom.

I threw her onto the bed and
dived on to her. We tore at each other’s clothes. I wish I could
tell you I was the perfect lover, but what the hell did you expect
after nearly nine months. Foreplay would have to wait for round
two.

After all the
waiting, all of the humiliating situations and the teasing, all of
the frustration, the moment had finally arrived. This was real,
this was happening. I was in! I was having sex! The drought was
finally over. In my head
Celebration
by Kool & the Gang
played. I had completely forgotten what the feeling was like. Jack
recently tried convincing me it was like masturbating in the bath.
Jack is an idiot.

I started to work up a rhythm.
I was in danger of getting a little carried away but I thought
Kelly would completely understand if I finished a little
prematurely on this occasion.

“
Don’t you
dare cum yet,” Kelly said rather aggressively as she dug her
fingernails into my back.

Shit. I had to resist. I
couldn’t let Kelly leave thinking I was a two-stroke, two-second
wonder. You never knew who she might bump into and tell on her
travels.

I clenched my eyes tight and
cleared my mind completely of any sexual thoughts. I tried to think
of absolutely anything that would take my mind off the task at
hand. My grandparents. Different types of cheese. Bushy eyebrows.
Wet socks. That reminds me, I hadn’t removed my socks. That was
pretty unsexy, and becoming a bit of a habit.

And then I finally crossed the
line. I had gone beyond the danger zone and felt confident I had
the situation under control.

Now it was time to unleash
hell.

The endless hours of watching
porn were going to pay off. I twisted Kelly into positions she
probably thought were not humanly possible. I congratulated myself
as I watched her eyes roll into the back of her head. I gave myself
a little pat on the back each time I felt her leg tremble. With one
final thrust Kelly nearly screamed the house down and I finally
slumped on top of her, completely out of breath, and completely
drained of all bodily fluid.

After nearly nine months little
Dan still worked!

I clambered off of Kelly and
lay beside her, completely exhausted.

“
That was
amazing,” she finally said after catching her breath. “But can I
ask you something?”

“
Yeah, of
course,” I said holding her close.

“
Why have you
shaved off half of your pubic hair?”

Chapter 25:
A New Beginning

Sunday,
September 13
- 2.11pm

Drought Clock: Expired

The drought was finally over.
The clouds had finally opened and the rains had come. After months
of psychological torture, emotional stress, and physical doubt, it
was finally over. And boy was it worth the wait.

I had feared that my sexual
development would have been set back years, but as the old saying
goes, it’s like riding a bicycle. Well, the riding part anyway. My
confidence had taken a real hammering, but just like a star
striker, I had finally found the net again and there would be no
looking back now.

On many occasions over the last
few months I had prayed for the clouds above my head to stay and
bring the rain, which would end the drought. But each and every
time they would pass, and simply extend the period of dry weather,
or in this case, dry-humping.

My journey had seen me trudge
through barren wastelands, fearing I was destined to wander the
desert forever. But now my journey was over. If I was to offer
advice to anyone else in my situation it would be this:

Climate change is a natural
thing that no one can determine or control. You have to take the
rough with the smooth. A drought is a natural phenomenon caused by
changes in weather patterns, but those same weather patterns can
also bring the floods. Droughts kill more people than floods
because the effects are more prolonged. The best remedy for
weathering a drought is to water regularly while you have the
chance.

If you are in a relationship
then don’t take your partner for granted. Water them daily – do it
two, three times if you must to help that relationship grow. You
never know when that next bone-dry stretch is around the
corner.

“
What are you
thinking?” Kelly asked me as she snuggled up to me in her
bed.

“
Nothing
really,” I said. “Just how great the weather is today.”

She gave me a funny look, but I
knew what I meant. I kissed her on the forehead, but couldn’t help
feeling I had forgotten to do something.

Then it came to me. The text I
sent Rob. I reached across and grabbed my phone. I had one missed
call from Rob and a text message.

Can you call me mate? I
honestly have no idea what I've done. I hope everything is
okay.

I groaned. Without Rob I
wouldn't even be laying here with Kelly right now, and in return I
had accused him of betraying me, going behind my back, and labelled
him a traitor. What type of friend was I? I knew I had to make this
up to him, but I had no idea how.

I racked my brains for the
right words, but deep down I knew a simple apology wasn’t good
enough.

But then it came to me. The
promise. The promise Rob said he would make me stick to if I ever
ended up with Kelly. I knew I owed him much more, but this would be
a start. I got out of bed and stood in front of Kelly completely
naked. Okay, I still had my socks on. I hadn’t had time to take
them off in the heat of passion.

“
I’ll be right
back,” I said and ran down the stairs and out of the front
door.

There is more chance of me
running naked through the streets of London than there is of me
getting together with Kelly.

I had been wrong and now I had
to see this through. I waved at Kelly who was looking at me from
her window like I had gone mad. And then I started to run.

My tackle flapped and swung
from side to side with each stride that I made. I ran down to the
High Street and watched people dive out of the way as I ambled my
way through the crowds. Small children pointed and screamed as
their parents covered their eyes. An old woman shrieked – I
couldn’t tell if it was in horror or delight.

I ran past the White Horse and
spotted the chav barmaid who had served me a beating just a couple
of hours ago. She almost jumped out of her skin and a huge wave of
satisfaction came over me as she dropped all of the glasses she had
been collecting at the shock of seeing my naked body jiggling past
her.

I continued my canter up
towards the Nelson Arms. As I passed the window I spotted Ollie and
Jack at the bar. I made a quick U-turn and made a grand entrance
through the pub door.

“
Guys!” I
shouted. It was Sunday lunchtime and everyone in the packed pub
stopped dead in their tracks and stared at my complete nakedness,
minus the socks. But I didn’t care. “I’ve only bloody done it!” I
said to Ollie and Jack. “The drought is over!”

“
Get in!” Jack
shouted. I ran to the bar, grabbed Ollie’s shot of Jack Daniels and
downed it. The whole pub, including the staff, stood in disbelief
as three men – one naked – proceeded to perform some sort of
strange conga in front of their very eyes.

“
I gotta go,”
I said high-fiving them as I ran out the pub and continued my
journey. I got about halfway down the road when I heard the sirens.
I took a sharp left down an alleyway and at the end I jumped over a
fence into someone’s back garden.

But to my disbelief this wasn’t
just anyone’s back garden. As I approached I saw a man on crutches.
I must have startled him as he lost his balance and fell to the
floor. I grabbed a piece of chicken off the barbie for the journey
and turned to see Stacey and Sophie help a snarling Dave get to his
feet.

I must have leapt over six or
seven fences before I got back out on to the road. I cut down the
back streets and finally arrived at my destination. I banged on the
front door and rang the doorbell several times. I waved at a
neighbour who had poked her head out of the door to see what all
the commotion was, but she slammed it shut at the sight of me.
Finally Rob answered.

“
Have you
completely lost your marbles?” Rob gasped. I barged past him and
into his house.

“
I’ve done
it,” I said, jumping up and down, hugging Rob.

“
Done what?”
Rob said, pushing me away, looking slightly concerned that I had
just rubbed my naked body against him.

“
The drought
is over,” I said with a huge smile on my face, talking at a hundred
miles per hour. “It was with Kelly. I had to come and tell you. I
thought you had slept with her, but I was wrong and I’m really
sorry. That's why I sent you that text. But she told me you went
round there and convinced her to see me before she left. And then I
remembered my promise that I would run naked through the streets of
London if I finally dipped my pen into the ink with Kelly. I
probably can’t do all of London but will Balham do? Anyway, you
should have seen me, I pulled off some cracking moves,” I continued
to ramble on, demonstrating the positions I had
performed.

Then I heard someone clear
their throat behind me. “Hello, Daniel.”

I slowly turned around to see
Rob’s mum sitting at the dining table. But it wasn’t just his mum.
His dad was sitting there too. And his grandparents, his aunt and
uncle, and his cousins. All four of them. And someone I had never
seen in my life before. Rob folded his arms across his chest,
cocked his head to one side, raised his eyebrows at me, and
half-smiled.

“
Hi, Mrs
Devlin,” I nervously said. “Hi everyone.”

“
Cold outside,
is it, Dan?” Rob’s dad asked me.

“
I better go,”
I said turning back to Rob. “I’ll call you later,” I whispered,
holding my thumb and finger to my mouth and ear. “Bye
everyone.”

*

I made it back to Kelly’s flat
and hopped back into bed.

“
What was that
all about,” she said half smiling, half looking at me like I was a
crazy man.

“
Just
something I had to do,” I told her. “Hey, you ready to go again?”
Before she even had a chance to answer I jumped back on top of
Kelly and moved back into position for round two. We had only been
at it for a few seconds when she once again told me in no uncertain
terms: “Don’t you dare cum too early.”

There was a pause.

“
Sorry,” I
said.

*

The next day I took Kelly to
the airport. There was no awkwardness whatsoever about what had
happened. It just felt right. We hadn’t made any silly promises to
wait for each other or anything like that. We both knew a lot could
happen in 12 months, and there was no way I could go on another
drought. Besides, she had just come out of a long-term
relationship. If we still felt the same when she got back then we
would see where the wind takes us. But until then...

“
I guess this
is it,” Kelly said after she had checked her bag in. We hugged and
kissed.

“
You’re going
to have a great time,” I said and for the first time I realised how
much I would miss her.

But something
caught my attention. On one of the TV screens they were showing Sky
News. I couldn’t hear what was being said but I saw the image of a
naked man in a pair of socks running down the high street – my
naked sock-wearing image running down the high street with the
headline:
Gay Rights Protester Strikes
Again.