Authors: Adrienne Wilder
Ellis jerked open the drawer and Jon shoved it closed. “I know how this sounds, I know how much this hurts, I—”
“You…know…nothing.” Ellis met Jon’s gaze and he stepped back.
Then whatever it was he saw that caught him off guard disappeared behind the blank veil Jon could conjure. There was no anger when he spoke. Simply the cold echo of his emotionless expression. “I know that my brother’s death pushed me in the direction of police work. I know I’ve lived through that warehouse shooting when it should have been impossible. I know of all the places I could have gone to escape, I stopped here.” He cupped Ellis’s face and the blankness slid away and Ellis was left staring into the eyes of a man who meant what he said. “And most of all, I know I was going to kill myself until the day I met you. You did something to me, Ellis. I think it might have even healed me in some way.”
Ellis didn’t know what enraged him more. That Jon would say those things, or believe them. “You’re out of your mind.”
“Probably.” Jon smiled a little. “Or maybe it’s just rule number five. Everything happens for a reason.”
“You bastard!” Ellis shoved him. “How dare you throw Rudy’s words in my face? You think because he was mentally disabled the things he said were a joke?” He shoved Jon again, making him stumble. “He’s dead. He’s dead because I was stupid and selfish. Everything was fine until you came along—he was safe. He was happy and he was safe. Then you showed up…” Ellis stabbed a finger at the air between them. “You showed up and I fell in love with you.” Jon grabbed Ellis, but he tore free. Ellis was at the bottom of the stairs when Jon caught up. He hugged Ellis to his chest. “I hate you. I hate you because you love me. I hate myself because you won’t.” There were no more tears because Ellis had become a wasteland. Devoid of anything living, and incapable of sustaining it if it was there.
Jon nuzzled the back of Ellis’s neck. “I will never hate you. No matter how angry you get at me or yourself. I love you.” He moved to Ellis’s cheek, peppering his scorching flesh with light kisses. “I will always love you. Even if you hate me. I will never stop loving you.”
Ellis wrenched one of his hands free and landed a punch to Jon’s jaw. “Stop saying that.” He kept punching. Jon protected his face with his arms. “I don’t want you to love me. So stop saying that you do.”
“It’s the truth.”
Jon dropped his guard too soon and Ellis punched him in the mouth. A smear of crimson was left on his knuckle. “No it’s not. Because I won’t let you. Do you hear me? I will not let you.”
“You can’t stop me, Ellis.” Jon blocked another round of punches.
Ellis’s scream came out a gargling hiss. Fatigue weighted his arms, his knuckles ached, and his bones throbbed from absorbing the impact. He turned to run even though he had no idea where he was going.
Jon trapped Ellis against the wall. Besides the one time he’d punched Lenny, he’d never been in a fight. He’d never wanted to hurt anyone. Now he’d hurt Jon. Even with a busted lip Jon petted him and made comforting sounds.
He cringed. “Stop.”
“Never.”
“I hate you.”
Jon’s smile was as soft as his lips on Ellis’s cheek. “No you don’t.”
“Yes. I do. I hate you.” Ellis struggled to get away.
“I don’t care what you say right now, I know you don’t.”
“Don’t patronize me. I know how I feel. I hate you, because if I don’t, I could lose you too.” It was as if making the confession released Ellis from his anger and allowed him to feel again. Not just the heat and firmness of Jon’s body against his back, but hope. Ellis was not alone and Jon would not leave him. He loved him. Would always love him. No matter what.
Jon stroked Ellis from shoulder to hip. Over and over he whispered “I love you” against the back of Ellis’s neck. He shuddered and ground his ass against Jon.
“I can’t lose you,” Ellis said.
“You won’t.” Jon growled and the vibration danced across Ellis’s skin.
“You don’t know that. No one can know.” And the not knowing squeezed the air from his lungs.
“I promise, you will not lose me.”
Ellis choked out a laugh.
Jon licked a line from Ellis’s shoulder to his throat.
“No matter how much we love someone they die.” Ellis gripped Jon’s hand and held it to his chest. “We all die.”
Jon huffed a breath against Ellis’s ear. “But you still won’t lose me.” He pressed his palm against Ellis’s heart. “I’ll be right here. Always right here.” He pushed closer. The thick line of his cock hardened behind his sweatpants.
“It’s not enough.” Nothing short of forever would be.
“Then we try to make it enough. We make sure to enjoy every second and treasure every moment that we do have. We pack months into our days and years into our weeks.” Jon sucked on Ellis’s earlobe, then scraped his teeth all the way to Ellis’s jaw. “Tell me what you want.”
Ellis laughed again but it sounded closer to a sob. “You.”
“You have me.”
“Then make me forget. Just for a little while. Make me forget everything.”
“Like this?” Jon tweaked one of Ellis’s nipples. “Hmmm?” Jon pushed Ellis’s pajama bottoms off his hip and they puddled around his feet. “Or maybe like this?” He gripped Ellis’s swollen cock and made circles over the slit with his thumb.
Pleasure crackled over Ellis’s skin and he made a low needy sound.
“Is that a yes?” The words came out on a growl.
“Yes.”
Jon pulled Ellis toward the stairs as he stripped him of his shirt. “If I had my way, you’d never wear clothes again.”
Ellis sunk his hands into Jon’s hair and smashed their mouths together.
Jon winced and jerked back. He ran his tongue over the cut on his lip.
“God, I’m so sorry.”
“You just caught me off guard. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” He dropped his head to Jon’s chest. “I really messed this up, didn’t I?”
“Nope.” Jon pushed him back. “Because.” He took another step. “I.” Another. “Won’t.” And another. “Let.” Ellis’s heel hit the step and he wound up sitting on the stairs. Jon crawled over him. “You.” He raked his teeth along Ellis’s neck then moved down to his navel.
Jon put both of Ellis’s feet on the step right below him. Knees bent, legs spread, Ellis was completely exposed.
Wet warmth and gentle suction tugged at one nut, then the other. Heat blossomed in Ellis’s cheeks.
This was only a reprieve from the pain in Ellis’s heart, but he hoped he would drown in it.
“Scoot up.”
“What?”
“Push yourself up a few steps or we’ll never get to the bedroom.” Jon stuck two fingers in his mouth while Ellis scooted higher. Before he could sit again Jon held him.
“What are you doing?” Ellis braced himself up on his elbows.
“You’ll see.”
“I thought you wanted me to move up.”
“I do. Just not all at once.”
Jon swallowed Ellis’s cock and a sharp heated line shot down his spine.
Ellis groaned. “Feels good.” Two points of pressure penetrated his opening. “Oh God…” Ellis scrabbled for a hold on the steps to keep from slipping. He was just about to lose his grip when Jon’s knee bumped up against his thigh, keeping him in place.
Jon brought his lips to the tip of Ellis’s cock and said, “I’ve got you.” He did. In a way that ran deeper than the flesh.
Jon finger fucked Ellis with long, slow strokes, making the muscles in his legs jump.
Nothing but love shone in Jon’s dark gaze and soft smile. Guilt rose in Ellis and he closed his eyes.
Jon leg go of Ellis’s cock. The warmth of his presence traveled up Ellis’s body. “Don’t do that.” Jon’s exhale brushed Ellis’s cheek. “I want you to look at me.” Ellis did. “That’s better.”
A dark patch had blossomed under Jon’s eye. Another one colored his jaw. By tomorrow they would be bruises. And Ellis had only one person to blame.
There were so many things he wanted to say, so many apologies, but what he’d done was inexcusable. He buried his face in Jon’s neck. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes you do.”
“I’m sor—”
Jon curled his fingers and Ellis’s nerve endings lit up.
“Just shut up.”
“But—”
Jon hit Ellis’s prostate again and he barked out a hoarse cry.
“Ellis. I mean it. Shut up and let me love you.” He urged Ellis up to the space in front of their bedroom.
Jon gave Ellis a wicked smile as he returned to his cock.
A prickling rush spread through his muscles. “Stop, Jon, or I’ll come.”
Jon thrust his fingers faster.
“Please, Jon. Oh God…” Ellis grabbed Jon by his hair and pumped his hips, fucking Jon’s mouth. Ellis was right there, his body on fire whiting out everything. Just as he was about to peak Jon stopped.
Ellis wailed and collapsed.
“C’mon.” Jon pulled Ellis to his feet. “I’m not done with you yet.” He maneuvered Ellis through the door, toward the bed.
Ellis yanked on Jon’s sweatpants. The string snapped, freeing his cock. The thick length of flesh burned against Ellis’s palm and precum leaked over his fingers. He squeezed and Jon made the most incredible rumbling sound in his chest.
“Bed.” Jon said. “Or you’re going to wind up with carpet burns on your knees.”
Drunk on desire and high on desperation, Ellis fell against the mattress. Jon yanked him to the edge, then Ellis found himself flipped onto his stomach. Jon’s shirt landed beside his shoulder.
Jon covered Ellis with his body and his cock slid between Ellis’s legs until the tip bumped against his balls.
“How many times do you think I can make you come?” Jon nipped a line up Ellis’s neck sending a chill across his skin.
“I don’t know.”
The bedside table rattled. “Two? Three?”
“I don’t care, just do something.” Ellis squirmed against the mattress, trying to find enough friction to ease the maddening ache between his legs. Jon lifted Ellis to his knees, and pressed his shoulders against the mattress.
A cool slick line dribbled down Ellis’s ass crack. “Please.” The heartbeat in his skull settled in his balls.
“Patience.” Two of Jon’s fingers filled Ellis long enough to smear the lubricant around.
“If you’d just let me—” The bottle of lubricant landed on Jon’s shirt.
“Save your energy. Trust me. You’re going to need it.”
The head of Jon’s cock breached Ellis’s opening. The gentle burn of being stretched and the heavy sense of being filled consumed his thoughts. Ellis tried to rock back, but Jon held him still.
“Jon…” Ellis panted. “Jon, please.”
“Please what?” Jon slid his hands over Ellis’s hips, up his ribs, then back down. He gave Ellis another inch.
“Please, Jon, I need you.”
“And you’ve got me.”
“Don’t make me wait. Please, please… Oh God.” He shoved Jon’s shirt, the pillow and the bottle of lubricant onto the floor. Ellis tore the fitted sheet loose from the corners of the bed.
Jon rolled his hips and filled Ellis the rest of the way in one long push. The burn was momentary, the fullness eternal. He rocked back.
Every stroke drowned Ellis in euphoria. Wordless sounds emanated from his slack mouth, adding to the slap of flesh. Ellis reached for his cock, but Jon got there first. A few more hard thrusts and Jon lost rhythm. As the warm rush filled Ellis’s body, the ache in his cock flared. The fire in his veins collided with the cold lines racing through his muscles. Then everything was gone. With each pulse of his cock the wave of mindless euphoria crashed into him. It felt like eternity and still wasn’t long enough.
When it receded it left him boneless in Jon’s arms.
“How do you feel?” Jon brushed his lips against the back of Ellis’s neck.
How did he feel? Satisfied? Complete? No, neither of those.
“Tell me.”
Unlike the momentary rush of pleasure, what Jon had given him could only be forever “Loved. I feel loved.”
Jon’s sigh warmed the back of Ellis’s neck.
********
Even being cradled against Jon’s chest and inhaling his scent, couldn’t soothe the tension in Ellis’s mind. With as many times as Jon made Ellis come, leaving his body exhausted and aching, he should have been dead to the world.
But his thoughts continued to churn up the things Jon said and Ellis’s disbelief became doubt, the doubt became what if, and then the what if, the possibility of something impossible.
Why not? He’d held the proof in his hands in the form of Rudy’s drawings.
Rudy knew Jon before they ever met him. And he was right, Rudy always won Go Fish.
Something told Ellis he’d done it in the same way he’d known about where to find the quarters at the carnival, or the same way he knew how to find items in the house.
And that one terrifying day when Lenny had taken Jon to the Grove to kill him. Rudy known where he’d gone.
Rudy could find anything he wanted.
Except the cookies.
But that was because they were never there. Ellis quit buying large packs, so there was only enough for Rudy to eat a single serving.
Then that same impossible ability had told Rudy Lenny was going to kill him.
Ellis slipped out of the bed and put on a pair of sweats. If sleep was impossible, he decided he’d go downstairs, drink some coffee, maybe read the paper. He could even watch the news.
For the last twenty years he’d followed his parent’s routine for protecting Rudy from the violence in the everyday world.
Their mother used to say he was too sensitive.
Maybe it was more than that. What if Rudy knew something no one else did and that’s why when he saw things on the TV it made him cry.
Ellis stopped at the top of the stairs. He squeezed the railing until his knuckles turned white. A familiar worry pecked at him, the kind that drove him to check on Rudy even when he was asleep. He’d stand and watch Rudy’s chest rise and fall just to make sure, just to reassure himself Rudy was okay.
There was no need to look in his room now but he couldn’t stop himself from going.
Rudy’s name in bubble letters made a smile on the door. When Ellis was little their parents put the same bubble letters on his door because he’d liked Rudy’s so much. They came off when he was ten. But Rudy never outgrew anything.