“When did he get involved with the gang?”
“He got jumped into the Southtown Brothers when he was ten by Chanos’ older brother. He was already bad way before then.”
That explained the SB tattoo I’d seen on Ryan’s arm. “Ten? He wasn’t bad. He was a child.”
“I don’t know if Ryan was ever a kid and his age didn’t matter to the gang. When cars get jacked, cops don’t always look for it to be a kid who did it. Someone’s making a dope delivery, same thing. When the brother went to prison, Chanos took over. Most of the guys liked and respected the older brother because he treated everyone with respect. But Chanos...he’s evil for the sake of being evil.”
“Ryan won’t talk about his past.”
“Maybe he’s got a good reason.” Brooklyn had a funny look on her face.
“What?” I asked.
“I like Ryan okay, especially after what he did for me beating that guy’s ass. But you need to be careful.”
“Are you referring to his past? It’s not like he still has any ties to it, right?”
Brooklyn’s gaze didn’t meet mine. “I’ve heard a few things.”
I couldn’t fathom that Ryan could still be involved with someone like Chanos. He was still a bad ass and there was something about him that when he sent one look their direction made other people give him space, and I’d witnessed that myself, but I’d know if he was back to his former life. Wouldn’t I? Thoughts spun in my head. I’d heard stories. The drugs, the women, the drive-by...wait a second. What if what had happened to my mom was somehow tied to Ryan? I mentally slammed the door on the thought. That was impossible. It wasn’t who Ryan was anymore. Besides that, I knew he’d never cause my family or me to get hurt.
*
RYAN
I left Tana’s house after Juvante showed up to take the watch. If she knew I had people looking out for her, she’d probably get mad, but I needed to know she was being protected whenever I wasn’t there.
The miles to Mama Leena’s house passed as I struggled with the changes rushing toward me. Soon my life wouldn’t be mine. I’d get jumped back into the gang. I thought about the gun. To keep the ugly life I’d once lived from hurting Tana more than it already had, I didn’t have a choice about the direction my life had taken, but I wouldn’t cross that line. Chanos wanted to put me on a leash, to own me and use me in ways that would make him a street god everyone would fear. He planned to use Tana as leverage to keep me on that leash. He’d hold her life over my head. What he failed to realize was that I was holding onto the other end of that leash. When I took my last breath and left this world, I was taking Chanos with me.
I guided the Charger into the driveway and Roman shut off the lawn mower and wiped his face with the end of his worn out shirt. “Hey,” he jerked his head toward the house. “Clarke is back.”
After what happened to Tana’s mom, Clarke had taken off, dragging his guilt baggage with him.
“I’ll talk to him.” I reached back into the Charger through the passenger window and took out the gun.
Darting a look toward the house, Roman said, “Don’t let Mama see that. She’s already pretty jumpy.” He followed me to the backyard shed.
“Why is she jumpy?”
“Someone threw a rock through Destiny’s bedroom window.”
“Shit. I’ll deal with it.” I took the shovel and went around behind the shed.
He grabbed my shoulder. “You’ll talk to Clarke. You’ll deal with Mama,” he mimicked in a whiny voice. “Fuck all this talk and let’s go do something.”
Slamming the edge of the shovel into the ground, I shoved his hand away. “Like what? You wanna go play drive-by? Spill a little blood, have a little blood spilled? Will that make you feel like a man? It won’t change what happened. Don’t be stupid. Now, give me your shirt.”
Roman pulled it over his head and handed it to me. “So we just do nothing? Let Chanos think we’re pussies? You know he was the one that called the hit that made Tana’s mom end up getting shot.”
I wrapped the gun in the shirt and laid it on the ground while I dug a hole. “I’m going to handle it.”
“Yeah, because you’re the man with the biggest balls and you can start a war all by yourself.”
“I didn’t start this war.” I kept digging.
“Go ahead. Say it. You’ve been burning with it. It’s Clarke’s fault. It’s my fault.” He hit my shoulder with his palm. “You think it doesn’t eat at me? That I don’t think about it every damn day?”
“Back off, Roman. I’m not in the mood for your shit.”
He hit me again. I dropped the shovel and punched him below the eye. He fell backward and then scrambled to his feet to tackle me around the knees. I rolled over to get him on his back and started whaling on his face.
Roman took the punches, popped me across the lip and then caught me hard in the ribs.
I gave him a solid right back to his ribs and he grunted.
“Hey! Mama’s looking for you. What are you doing?” Destiny’s voice rose an octave.
I shoved away from Roman. “What the fuck does it look like we’re doing? We’re playing tag.”
“Whatever.” She flounced off.
I lay on my back looking up at the bright blue sky.
“I think you broke my damn nose.” Roman sat up and spit blood. He shot me a look with eyes full of pleading. “You’re my brother. The shit you have to deal with, it’s my shit too especially since it’s part my fault.”
Getting to my feet, I pressed my hand to my lip. “You fight like a girl.”
Roman winced as he traced his fingers around his eye. “So do you.”
I dropped the gun into the hole and picked up the shovel to bury it. “I’ll lock the shovel up and then I’ll braid your hair, sweetheart.”
Roman laughed. “One of these days, I’m gonna beat your ass.”
After I finished covering up the gun, I slung my arm around his shoulder as we went to the house. “Might scare me a little if your lip wasn’t swelling.”
“Seriously, Ryan. We do this together.”
“Seriously, Roman. No.” I brushed past him and went inside the house. I wasn’t going to be responsible for any more blood on my hands. Roman didn’t know the kind of shit Chanos would do and I didn’t want my brother caught up in that. I needed to make sure someone was left behind to watch over Mama Leena once I was gone.
Chapter Sixteen
TANA
In the middle of desperation, you keep swimming as long as you can and just when you see the shore and think that you’re going to be okay, that your family is going to be okay, you end up caught in a riptide.
The hospital wanted money or they were going to move mom to the county hospital. The one with the high record of poor patient care and preventable deaths. They’d been on the news after a patient had died of an infection they’d ignored. I needed to keep Mom where she was and the only money I had that would pay the bill was my college tuition. So I gave it to the hospital yesterday. But I needed money for us to live on. Without mom’s income, things were getting pretty ugly financially. I was counting pennies and cutting corners, but I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it up. That’s the only reason that I reached a point low enough to call my poor excuse for a father.
As soon as his deep voice came across the line, I gripped the phone. “Um...Mom was in an accident.”
“Sorry to hear that.” The sound of him typing on a keyboard leaked across the line.
“She’s not doing that well.”
“Hang on, Montana. Margie, could you get Carl back on the line for me? Okay, go on.”
I gritted my teeth. “I had to pay the hospital bill.”
“That’s the way the real world works, kiddo.”
“Dad,” I said sharply. “I need some money to replace what I had to pay the hospital. I know that you have it.”
“I’m not responsible for your mother’s care.”
“It won’t be for that. The only money I had was my tuition money, so I used that. But we need money for groceries and to keep the lights on.”
“You’ll figure it out. Listen, I’ve got to run to make a meeting. I’ll call you later.”
I hung up before he did and cursed myself for being so stupid. Had I really thought he’d jump at the chance to help? I didn’t regret for one second giving up my tuition money but I’d thought that somehow, magically, I’d make the phone call and everything would be fine.
I tossed my phone onto the table and threw some chicken nuggets into the microwave. Biting my nail, I tried to come up with a solution, something that would tide us over for a few weeks.
Mark walked into the kitchen and frowned at the box on the counter. “I don’t want that chicken. It tastes like rubber. Why can’t I have cereal?”
“Because you ate cereal yesterday and you can’t have cereal for breakfast, lunch, and supper.” I pushed my hair out of my eyes, frustrated and ready to cry. The days had crawled by and today marked two and a half weeks since someone shot my mom. Everything had piled up at once since yesterday and now after the phone call my nerves had reached the breaking point.
Today, I’d dropped Mark off at his friend’s house, stopped by the hospital, gone on to work my shift, picked Mark up, stopped by the hospital again, came home, and cooked. Then I would have to clean the kitchen, straighten the house, toss in some laundry, and try to get Mark to go to bed. Tomorrow, the same cycle would begin all over again.
Mark grabbed the cereal from the pantry and I took it from him. “I said no.”
He slammed the bowl he’d dug out of the counter onto the table so hard that it cracked along the side and threw the spoon into the sink. “You suck at cooking. You suck at cleaning and you suck. You said mom would come home. You lied. You’re not supposed to lie. You suck.” His hands balled into fists.
“I’m doing my best.”
“No, you’re not. You said Mom would be okay but she’s not home!”
“Mark, you have to understand—”
“I’m not supposed to understand. I’m the kid.” He started crying and yelled, “I’m the goddamned kid!”
I started crying, too. “Mark, I’m sorry.” I reached for him, feeling awful, and he moved away. “Why don’t you talk to me?”
“What for?”
He started to leave the kitchen and I grabbed his arm. “Mark,
please
talk to me.”
“You don’t hear me.” He shook his head and pulled away. “I want Mom.”
“Mark, wait, come back. You have to eat. I’ll let you have the cereal.”
“I don’t want it now. You can’t make me eat and I won’t until I’m sick and then I’ll be in the hospital with Mom. She’ll want to come home if I’m with her.” He slammed into his room.
If things were this hard now, how much worse were they going to get if this cycle kept on going? My boss had been great about working my shifts out so that I didn’t have evenings but he’d made it clear he needed me to get back on my regular schedule. I wouldn’t have anyone to watch Mark if I had to work evenings. But I had to do something or we weren’t going to eat.
Pushing my back against the wall, I slid down until my butt bumped the floor. I wanted to call Brooklyn or Shelby but I knew they were both busy with their own drama. They didn’t need mine. Taking out my phone, I scrolled through the contacts. I needed to talk to someone. Dad. What a joke. I should erase his number. Mom’s number came up in the contact list and I froze.
Fingers shaking, I pressed send and listened to the phone ring until her voicemail picked up. Her cheerful voice poured across my starved heart, telling me to leave her a message and she’d call me back. “Hi, Mom. It’s Tana. Um...I don’t know if you can hear me, but I could really use your help. Mark hates me. The sink in the bathroom is leaking under the counter and there’s damage—”the beep signaled I’d run out of time.
Crying now, I redialed her number and after her voicemail message went off, I started talking again. “I keep thinking that if I had gone out to get the salad dressing, you wouldn’t have been the one to get shot. Mark would have you here instead of me and you would know what to do, you know? Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are but it doesn’t matter. Oh, Mom. I only wish—” the beep sounded again and I dropped the phone into my lap, burying my head in my hands.
The doorbell rang. Scrubbing my hand down my face as if that would hide my swollen eyes and red nose, I went to see who it was. Brooklyn had taught me to stand to one side of the door whenever someone knocked or rang the doorbell. That way, if anyone shot through the door, I wouldn’t get hit. I had a lot to learn about life on the streets.
Ryan was outside. I yanked open the door, pushed aside the screen, and threw myself into his arms. My lifeline back to shore.
*
RYAN
“Hey.” I tried to pull back from her to find out what was going on, but Tana clung to me and wouldn’t let go. Unable to help myself, I’d stopped by to check on her and was glad that I had. Soon, I wouldn’t be able to be near her at all. I held her as I maneuvered us into the house and closed the door. Her body shook with sobs as she told me Mark hated her, and her mother’s voicemail kept cutting her off.
Rubbing my hands up and down her back, enjoying the feel of her in my arms, I said, “I’m here.” I held her until she quieted and raised her face toward mine.
“Could you stay the night with me?”
My brain screamed at me to say no, to keep a distance growing between us so I could let her go when the time came, but I ignored it. “Sure,” I said, knowing it wasn’t what she really needed because I wasn’t what she needed. “What’s going on?”
“Mark hates me because I can’t bring Mom home, I can’t cook and he’s sick of eating the crap that I try to make. The sink is leaking. I’ve been trying to pay the hospital plus all the bills here and we never have enough money for groceries or anything else. I need to get back on the evening shift because the tips are better and I don’t know what I’m going to do with Mark. There’s no one to watch him and he can’t stay here alone. I don’t have a car because the police still have it.”
“Slow down, honey.” I wiped at the tears rolling down her face. “All of this stuff is fixable.” I frowned as her words sunk in. “How are you paying the hospital bills?”
“I paid it already. I used my college savings.”