The Forest Ranger's Husband (14 page)

He chuckled. “I noticed it was rumpled, but I didn’t know it was dirty.”

She nodded. “When I saw him with his hair slicked back like yours, I didn’t have the heart to tell him to put on something different. It was obvious he wanted to look like you.”

Matt’s smile faded. “I never knew how much our kids learn from us. I wish I’d been around the past six years to show him a better example of how a good man should treat his family.”

“I know, but you’re here now. He’ll soon forget you weren’t there in his early years.”

Could she forget? Could she really forgive and let it go?

He leaned back, resting his palms on the tops of his thighs. “I—I want to tell you something, but it won’t be easy. I need to get it off my chest.”

“Okay.” She watched his face carefully as he began speaking, absorbing every word.

“You already know about the wildfire I was caught in. How it burned my legs. They didn’t think I’d ever walk again. But I had to. So I could return to you.” He closed his eyes, as if the memory was too much for him to bear.

“Matt, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”

He opened his eyes. “But I do, Andie. I’ve got to tell someone I can trust. I’d followed all the rules, but we lost communication and we didn’t know how bad the danger was. It was a small fire, only eighty acres. I thought we could hurry and finish up the fire line. Sixty-mile-per-hour winds whipped the fire to our flank, boxing us into the clearing.”

He swallowed hard. “Jim and I…we deployed our fire shelters, but he had forgotten his gloves. I—I could hear him screaming. He couldn’t withstand the pain and he—he bolted.”

Matt paused, his voice hoarse and low. “Listening to someone die by fire isn’t like in the movies. It took twenty minutes for Jim to die. I—I’ve never heard anything like it and hope I never hear those sounds again.”

“Oh, Matt. I’m so sorry.”

Tears streamed down his cheeks. “I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t save Jim. I couldn’t—”

He buried his face in his hands, choking with emotion. She reached out and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight. It was the first time she’d shown him physical comfort since he’d returned.

He didn’t pull away, his shoulders shaking. They both cried for several moments.

“Shh, it’s okay now,” she soothed, feeling helpless to console him.

Finally he lifted his head and wiped his reddened eyes. Seeing him so vulnerable made her feel protective of him.

“I don’t know why I survived when Jim died. His wife and kids still need him. It should have been me who died, not him.”

“Maybe Jim’s family already knew their father loved them, and their memories would sustain them in the future. But Davie didn’t know if his father loved him. Maybe God knew your son still needed you.”

He looked deep into her eyes, as if her words had touched him like nothing else could. “Do you mean that, Andie?”

She nodded. “I do.”

“And what about you? Do you still need me?” His voice broke and so did her heart.

She stared at their entwined fingers. Yes! She wanted to yell.
I need you, too.
So much. But it was too soon. Matt was carrying so much heavy baggage. She couldn’t help worrying about his mental stability. “It’s too soon for me to commit to anything right now, Matt. I do like having you around.”

The confession came hard for her, but she realized it wasn’t quite what he was after. It was all she could concede to right now. She didn’t need him to live. She could provide for herself and Davie just fine. And yet, life seemed so hollow without Matt in it. Her heart continued to beat, but she had little joy, except for Davie. And she wanted more. Much, much more.

A shuddering breath escaped him. “Can you forgive me, Andie? Please?”

Her eyes met his. She saw the regret and sorrow he felt. The deep, abiding anguish tormenting his soul. So many vacant, empty words lay between them. Maybe God had spared Matt’s life so they could have a second chance to say
they were sorry. A second chance for Matt to be a daddy to Davie. Instead of always concentrating on past hurts, maybe she should focus on the potential good they could accomplish in their future together. Forgiving Matt didn’t mean she wanted a marriage with him.

Or did she?

“I forgive you, if you’ll forgive me.” She said the words slowly, but didn’t expect the instant feeling of relief that flooded her. Like a load of rocks had been lifted from her heart.

“I said a lot of hurtful, selfish things before you left. Things I didn’t really mean. I was just scared, and I’m sorry.” Tears flooded her eyes. It felt so good to apologize. She’d had no idea how bad she felt for her own part in their separation until she confessed it out loud.

A tender smile creased the corners of his mouth. “I guess we both messed up big time, huh?”

“Yes, we did.”

He leaned near, until their noses touched. The subtle spicy scent of his cologne teased her nose. He kissed her gently, lovingly, and a sudden bolt of emotion surged through her. A gasp escaped her as she drew back and looked at him. She saw the passion in his eyes and realized he felt the same. After all this time, they still connected in a basic fundamental level of attraction. She wanted him, but she must move slowly. There was too much at stake.

“We still have a lot to sort out between us, Matt.” She pressed her fingers to her lips, still feeling the warmth of his kiss there.

He blinked, looking uneasy. “Like what?”

“Like trust. What if you leave again? I don’t want to be hurt like that once more. I have Davie to think about now.”

He withdrew his hand from hers and turned away. For a
fraction of a second, she almost reached out and pulled him back. Almost.

They’d made a lot of headway tonight. At least they’d talked without her becoming so angry that she couldn’t breathe. In fact, she felt quite calm right now. Matt had opened up to her for the first time, and in return, she’d been honest with him. They’d both apologized and forgiven each other, and it felt so good.

“Matt, I think we need a little more time before we…before we decide what to do about our marriage.”

He shook his head, his features tense. “I don’t need any more time, Andie. I know what I want. You and Davie. A real marriage with us living together in one house. You can trust me. I’ll never leave you again. Even if you send me away, I’ll keep coming back. I’m not going anywhere.”

She heard the conviction in his voice and saw the truth written on his face. But what about the wildfire? What about the guilt haunting him?

What about love?

“You need to see a psychologist, Matt. You need to deal with your survivor’s guilt and the horror of what happened to you.”

He came to his feet so fast, the movement startled her. “I just told you about it. What more do you want from me?”

“Nothing. I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy here with you and Davie.”

“But the wildfire is still there.”

He released a small sigh. “It’ll always be there, Andie. It’s part of who I am now. I have to live with it for the rest of my life.”

“But it doesn’t have to hurt you. That kind of darkness will canker inside of you. It’ll cause more problems unless you deal with it now. What if you freeze up again?”

He raked a hand through his short hair. “I won’t.”

“You can’t promise that, honey.”

Honey. Now she’d stepped in it. If only she could help him see that he wasn’t over the wildfire. It was still inside of him, like a dry keg of powder waiting for a lighted match.

His expression changed from anguish to bland. Gone was the emotion, replaced by the strong, in-control firefighter.

“Matt—”

“I’ll think about it, okay? That’s all I can say right now.”

“Then that will have to be enough for now. But I’d feel better if it was what you wanted, too. You have to make yourself happy.” How she wished she could heal his tattered soul. She wanted him whole again. More than anything else.

“I said I’d think about it.” His voice hardened.

“Okay, that’s better than nothing. But don’t forget about the power of prayer. God is always there for us. We just need to ask Him for help. I’ve learned that the hard way after years of ignoring Him.”

He stepped close and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Thanks for a wonderful evening. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He walked to the door, seeming eager to leave for the first time since his return. Obviously the conversation had become uncomfortable for him, and she didn’t push it any further.

“Good night.” He said the words mechanically, without enthusiasm.

And then he was gone.

Andie closed the door, watching out the window until his headlights disappeared before she turned off the porch light. Then she picked up her pretty high heels and went to her bedroom. In the quiet darkness, she exercised her own advice, kneeling beside her bed. She poured her heart out to God in a soft whisper. Asking Him to help Matt. Reaching for the faith she needed in order to trust her husband again with all her heart and confidence.

Reaching for peace.

W
hen Matt didn’t show up at church the next day, Andie worried. They’d forgiven each other, but the angst Matt still carried over the forest fire was a wild card. Anguish like that could plague a person without them even realizing it. She’d written a research paper in college about survivor’s guilt and knew it could even make the survivor suicidal.

Was Matt depressed enough to take his own life? He seemed happy enough, until they brought up the topic of the wildfire. She wasn’t a trained psychologist and couldn’t diagnose him, but she was convinced he needed professional help.

“What’s bothering you?” Brett asked as they walked out to the church parking lot.

Her gaze flickered to Sue and the baby, walking ahead with Davie. “I’ll give you one guess.”

Brett nodded, his hair slicked back as he carried his scriptures and the diaper bag. “Matt. It’s hard to be angry with someone you love.”

She stared at him with denial, then softened. “Does it show that much?”

“Afraid so. Why fight it?”

“You know why. Just because you love someone doesn’t
mean you’re willing to become their doormat. You can forgive someone and still not be with them.”

“Do you want to be with Matt again?”

“No!” she answered too fast, then amended. “Well, yes and no. He’s so full of hurt over the wildfire, Brett. I really don’t know how stable he is right now. I saw the wild look in his eyes and it frightened me. What if he lost control of himself or decided to leave again?”

He shrugged, looking nice in his pin-striped suit. “He’s served like a rock through a lot of fires, Andie. He’s been stable in his career, until he lost a man. But I think deep inside what’s really bothering him is that he left you. Maybe he equates losing his crewman with losing you. And that scares him more than he realizes.”

Her heels tapped the concrete as she stepped off the sidewalk into the parking lot. Reaching into her purse, she pulled out her car keys and remembered when Matt had watched Davie for her while she worked on the small brush fire. He’d looked so relieved when she’d returned. She’d realized he’d worried about her, but maybe it was more than that.

“He told me the combination of losing his crewman and almost dying in the wildfire made him reevaluate his priorities,” she said.

“That’s understandable. And the wildfire can be a blessing, if you look at it that way. Sometimes it only takes a little drama to get our attention. But other times, the Lord has to really hit us hard to wake us up to what’s really important in life. You and Matt have been given a second chance at happiness, Andie. I hope you both can work it out.”

“Brett, will you open the car, please?” Sue called to her husband. She stood beside their blue sedan, looking frustrated as she balanced Rose and waited to get the baby in her car seat.

“Sure, honey. See you later, Andie.” Brett hurried to help his wife, leaving Andie alone with her thoughts.

Had God saved Matt’s life so they could have a second chance together? So they could be a family? She trusted the Lord and knew He only did what was best for His children. Maybe she should listen to the spirit more. She might learn something.

As soon as she and Davie got home from church, she called Matt, just to make sure he was okay.

“Hi, Andie. What’s up?” He’d obviously seen her name on caller ID.

“Hi! We missed you in church. You doing okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve just got a lot on my mind and needed some time to think.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No, I’m fine.” He answered fast. Too fast. She couldn’t help wondering if he was just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear, or if it was the truth.

She held the phone receiver closer to her ear. “What are you thinking so hard about?”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes.” Her answer came out slow and guarded, but truthfully.

“I’m thinking about you and me and how I can be the kind of man you deserve. I let you down, sweetheart, and I never want to do that again.”

Well, she’d asked, so she deserved the answer she got. “You wouldn’t do anything to hurt yourself, would you, Matt? I mean, that would just tear Davie and me apart. It’d only make things worse.”

He snorted. “Stop worrying. I’m definitely not suicidal. I want to live. I want to be happy.”

She wanted to believe him, but couldn’t help fretting. “You
want to come over for dinner? I’m fixing your favorite. Lasagna and French bread.”

“Hmm. Lots of delicious calories. You’re the best cook I know.”

“So come over.” She couldn’t believe she was actually pushing for him to come see her, but she didn’t want him to be alone. Deep inside, she sensed they’d made gigantic headway in working through his anguish, and he had to be feeling vulnerable right now. In spite of her vow to never let him into her life again, she wanted to help. To be close to him once more.

A long pause followed. “Not today. I’m wrestling with what we talked about last night. Just give me some time, okay? I promise I’ll make everything up to you in the end.”

Now she was even more worried. How stable was her husband? She may have pushed him too hard.

“Matt, you promised you wouldn’t leave us again, and I’m holding you to it.”

His voice lowered. “Thanks, I needed to hear that. Now don’t worry.”

“But I am worried.” Maybe she was confiding too much of how she felt. What did it matter? She was crazy about him. She always had been. She didn’t want to pretend anymore. What use was it to deny her feelings? And yet, there was a dark part of him she didn’t recognize. A part that scared her.

“Well don’t. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay, tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

She hung up after he did. Wishing she could be there for him the way he’d been there for her lately.

She went about her routine, fixing Davie a quiet dinner at home. As an excuse to check up on her husband, she had Davie call Matt two more times. She wanted to remind Matt
that he had a son who would be devastated if anything happened to his father. Each time Matt answered, he laughed and chatted like normal. Maybe she was worried about nothing.

No, an inner wisdom warned her it wasn’t that easy. Matt needed help. She felt powerless and alone. And that’s when she turned to the Lord in prayer.

Just after Davie went to sleep for the night, she knelt beside her bed and poured her heart out to God. She told Him everything that had been locked away inside of her the past six years. All the anger, hurt and hatred came rushing out. She cried and gnashed her teeth. She let it go.

And then came hope. And love. A desire to reconcile with her husband and restore her family once more. The expectations she didn’t dare express to anyone but God. When she finished, she felt exhausted and mentally drained. Glancing at the clock, she saw that two hours had passed. She needed to sleep.

As she climbed into bed, she formulated a plan of action. Tomorrow, she would go to Matt’s office and ask to take him to lunch. Irrespective of whether they got back together, she loved and worried about him. He’d left her, but he’d come home. She wouldn’t abandon him, no matter what. He needed help and she would see that he got it, before it was too late.

Andie didn’t get the chance to activate her plan. A lightning storm kept her awake most of the night, and she figured they’d have a wildfire soon.

The next morning, she dropped Davie off at Sue’s house and arrived at her office before eight. The air felt hot and muggy. The damp pavement and pungent smell of rain caused her to gaze at the mountains. Rainstorms in June meant fire was just a matter of time.

Inside the ranger station, she walked by her receptionist’s desk. Clarice waved a pink paper and chimed in a cheerful
voice, “Morning, Andie. The Forest Supervisor’s office just called and asked if you could go over there to meet with Cal Hinkle first thing.”

Andie paused and leaned against the high counter, gazing at the paper in her hand. Cal’s name and phone number were written at the top. “Did his assistant say what it was about?”

“Nope, just that it was urgent that he speak with you in person.”

Andie nodded and headed for her office, calling over her shoulder. “Call them back and tell them I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

Clarice nodded and picked up the phone.

Wondering what the emergency was, Andie drove to the S.O.’s office. After entering the redbrick building, she checked in with the front receptionist.

“Go right in. He’s expecting you,” the woman said.

Andie turned, then paused. “And can you tell me if Matt Cutter’s in today?”

The receptionist nodded. “He’s always the first one here in the mornings, but I think he’s meeting with someone right now.”

Andie breathed a sigh of relief as she walked down the hall to Cal’s office. When she passed by Matt’s office, she peeked at the nameplate on his door. The door was closed, but she could see a stream of light shining beneath. At least he was here, safe and sound.

Thinking no more about it, she continued down the hall where Cal’s admin assistant immediately led her into his office.

“Andie! Thanks for coming in on such short notice.” Cal stood and rounded his spacious desk. He shook her hand before closing the door. “Have a seat.”

She sat in one of the leather chairs facing his desk and crossed her legs. Feeling self-conscious, she ran a hand down
the pant leg of her crisp ranger’s uniform, trying not to feel nervous. “What’s up?”

His chair creaked as he sat down. “Let me get right to the point. I’ve heard that you and Matt Cutter are married.”

Oh, no! Was he angry with her? A blaze of dread shivered up her spine. “Yes, but…”

“And I understand you’re separated.” A statement, not a question.

She nodded, unwilling to trust her voice right now. Surely he’d spoken to Matt about this issue since his office was just down the hall. Yet Matt hadn’t mentioned anything to her about it.

“And you have a little boy,” Cal continued.

“Y…yes, Davie.”

Cal smiled. “I’ve seen pictures of him in Matt’s office. A cute kid. And from what Matt’s told me, he’s a natural athlete.”

“He is. A wonderful boy.”

And? What did Cal want? Her mind raced with urgency.

“I didn’t know you and Matt were married and separated when I hired both of you to work on this national forest. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have done so.”

“I didn’t know he was taking the job, either, until I’d already moved to Enlo and started working here. I’ve been going by my maiden name since Matt…since Matt and I separated. I think this was just a fluke.”

He nodded, not looking flustered in the least. “It’s a rarity, but it happens sometimes. I want to offer you a transfer to Evanston, Wyoming.”

Andie’s heart dropped to her toes. A transfer? That would mean packing up Davie and leaving Nevada. Because she and Matt happened to be married. She could just imagine what that would do to her son. Regaining his father only to lose him again. And what about her? She looked forward to
Matt’s visits to her house. He’d brought a sense of security and happiness into her life, and she didn’t want to lose that ever again.

“But I just got settled here.”

“I know, but I sensed some difficulty between you and Matt several months ago, and now I understand why. I think you’ll remember that I asked you about it.” He lifted his brows in a stern look.

“Yes, but we’ve done fine working together. Our relationship isn’t a problem for us, Cal. Really. I’ve nosedived into the work and my marriage hasn’t impacted it in anyway.”

She couldn’t leave Nevada. Not now. Not when she and Matt were finally reconciling. Not when they’d finally forgiven each other.

Cal sat back and placed his hands on the armrests of his chair. “I’ve been extremely happy with both your and Matt’s work performance. In fact, I hate to lose either one of you. You’re an asset to this forest. But I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable working with Matt so that it starts to impact your work.”

“It won’t. Matt and I have talked about this. We’re professionals. We know what to do.”

He chuckled. “You don’t need to convince me, Andie. And you don’t have to take the transfer, either.”

“We don’t…er, I don’t? Really?” She shook her head, putting every ounce of seriousness into her expression.

“No. Do you want to stay here in Enlo?”

“Yes.” A quick, sharp nod.

Cal pursed his lips together. “It’s funny, but Matt said the same thing.”

She curled her hands together in her lap. She didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. “You asked Matt if he wanted a transfer?”

“Yeah, several weeks ago. An FCO position in Oregon has opened up, and they requested Matt by name. It’d mean
a promotion for him. Since he’s rehabilitated and doing so well, I offered him the job.”

She tensed. “And is he going to take it?”

“No. He said he’d quit the forest service before he left his family again. When I asked where he’d work, he said it didn’t matter as long as he could be near you and Davie. Knowing you two are separated, I figured he still cares a lot for his family.”

Andie’s mouth dropped open. “He actually said those things?”

“Much more graphically, but yes. He said nothing was more important than being near his family. He won’t go anywhere without you.”

An overwhelming joy enveloped Andie. So powerful that she almost wept with it. “I agree. I won’t let my family be separated again. If it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer staying right where I am. I’m happy. Truly happy here.”

Cal threw back his head and laughed. “Okay, then. It’s settled. The Cutter family is gonna stay right here in Enlo. I hope this means a reconciliation might be forthcoming. Matt’s been through a lot, and I’d love nothing more than to see you two back together.”

She smiled, but didn’t reply. She liked this idea more and more. A reconciliation. The Cutter family. It had a nice ring to it. Now if she could just work things out with Matt.

When she returned to her ranger station, Andie stepped inside just as a fierce gust of wind whipped the door away from her hand. The door slammed closed with a loud bang and she flinched, grateful the glass panes didn’t break. She brushed hair out of her eyes, thinking such a wind would be disastrous for a wildfire.