The Forest Ranger's Husband (9 page)

“Nothing at all?”

“Just thinking.”

“You must have been real upset to have taken off like that,
but don’t do it again. You worried me. Next time just wait in our car, so I know you’re all right.”

“Okay.” He still wouldn’t look at her, his cheeks plumped up as he squashed his chin against his palms.

“You know Aunt Sue sometimes says things she doesn’t mean, right?”

His head popped up, and his eyes narrowed angrily. “Well, she shouldn’t say bad things about my dad.”

“You’re right, and I told her so. I don’t think she’ll do it again.”

“What if she hurts Dad’s feelings and he leaves again? I don’t want him to go away. I want him to stay here forever.”

Ah, now she understood. For several years, he’d been asking about his dad. Where he lived, what he did, why he didn’t come home. Now that Matt was here, Davie didn’t want to lose him again. Andie couldn’t blame her son. A part of her wanted Matt to stay, too. She didn’t want him to leave or to hurt him the way he’d hurt her. And yet, she couldn’t seem to forgive him, either.

“So you ran away because you’re afraid your dad might leave you?”

Davie nodded and she pulled him close against her side, holding his hand. “Your daddy would never leave you because of something Aunt Sue said. He loves you too much.”

How she hoped what she said was true. How could she tell her young son that she feared the same thing? That she didn’t dare open her heart and forgive Matt for his past transgressions because she feared he might leave her again? Matt had asked for her forgiveness, but he hadn’t said he loved her. And she didn’t want him to return out of guilt.

“Why don’t you like Daddy anymore?” Davie asked.

Her breath hitched in her throat, and she had to swallow. “I like Dad just fine.”

“But you don’t love him.”

“I—I’m not sure how I feel about him anymore. He’s only been back a couple of months. We need to get to know each other again.” Okay, honesty was good here.

“Then why didn’t you let him come to Sunday dinner with us? Then we could get to know him better. He’s all alone without us. He’s probably hungry, too.”

Andie swallowed a laugh. Davie’s reasoning touched her heart. She’d tried to give Matt opportunity to be with Davie, but she also needed to give herself—and Sue—time to adjust to him being back in their lives.

She tried to explain to her son. “You know we were invited to dinner at Aunt Sue’s house, right?”

“Yeah, we always have Sunday dinner at our place or Aunt Sue’s. But I want Dad to come, too.”

“I know, but it’s bad manners for me to just invite your dad without permission from Aunt Sue.”

“How come? Dad’s part of our family. Uncle Brett said so.”

She took a deep breath. “Well, Dad is part of our family, and he isn’t part of our family.”

“What do you mean? I heard you say you’re still married to him. And he’s my daddy. So that means we’re his family. If we don’t forgive him, who will?”

She stared, her breath leaving her in a long
whoosh
. Children saw things so simply. In the Bible, the book of Matthew talked about becoming humble like a little child. Andie felt very small at that moment. According to the book of John, the Lord had given all men a new commandment to love one another. And when an adulterous woman was brought before the Lord, He asked those without sin to cast a stone at her. No one did.

Andie knew God forgave those whom He would forgive, but all men were required to forgive everyone. She had no right to withhold her forgiveness from Matt. And yet, she
didn’t know how to soften her heart enough to forgive him. He wasn’t the only one who needed forgiveness from the Lord. Andie needed to let go of the anger and hate she’d held so closely in her heart. But how could she let it go? How could she gain enough faith to completely hand her life over to God? She longed to be able to do so, yet she didn’t feel strong and courageous enough to trust the Lord that much.

“Technically you’re right,” she told Davie. “But your Dad’s been gone so long that it’s taking a bit of time for me and Aunt Sue to adjust.”

“But Aunt Sue never liked Daddy. She thinks he cheated on you. When he called you, she erased his messages. I heard her say so to Uncle Brett.”

Andie inhaled quickly, her stomach churning. “When did you hear her say that?”

“Last week, after she picked me up from kindergarten. What does it mean to cheat on you?”

Oh, Susan Marie Osborn! Andie couldn’t believe her sister would speak her mind so freely when she knew Davie might overhear. Now it all made sense. Matt had said he’d tried to call her at home after he’d left, but Andie had never gotten any messages. Because Susan had erased them.

“Um, cheating means that your father would love another woman when he’s married and promised to love only me.”

Davie’s mouth rounded. “Daddy wouldn’t cheat on you, Mom. He loves us. I know he does.”

“Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of it, okay?” If she and Matt still loved each other, maybe she could forgive him and they could be a real family again.

Wishful thinking. They were a long way away from that happening.

A truck pulled up in front of the house, and Matt stepped out with the aid of his cane. “Looks like you found him.”

“Daddy!” Davie ran to his father and threw his arms around Matt’s legs.

Matt tottered, almost losing his balance. “Hey, easy there, hotshot. What’s going on?”

Together they walked to the porch, and he met Andie’s gaze as she stood to meet them. Matt bent over and picked Davie up in his free arm, using his cane to shuffle over to the porch swing. As he walked, he listened to Davie pour his big, aching heart out about what had happened. Andie hated for Matt to know how Sue had hurt Davie’s feelings, but there was no help for it. If Andie tried to hush Davie, the boy might think she agreed with her sister. And she did, to a certain point. She didn’t want to get back together with Matt, but she didn’t want Sue to bad-mouth her husband, either. After all, Matt had a lot of good qualities. He wasn’t an ogre. He was a good man who had gotten a few priorities out of whack.

“You won’t leave again, will you, Dad?” Davie sniffed and wiped his nose on his shirtsleeve.

Matt hugged the boy close and kissed his hair. “No, I’ll never leave you again. Not ever.”

Davie peered at his mom, a triumphant look in his eyes. “See, Mom. I told ya.”

She smiled, wanting so much to believe what Matt said. “Yes, you did tell me that.”

Matt had called her. He’d left her messages she’d never received. Andie had misjudged him. She couldn’t believe it. Part of her wanted to berate Sue for hiding this information for so long. Another part of her wanted to just let it all go. None of it mattered anymore.

Brett pulled into the driveway and jumped out, looking relieved. He jerked his apron off before sauntering up the front walkway. “Well, it looks like we’ve got almost everyone here. Maybe we should have Sunday dinner at your house today.”

“Hi, Uncle Brett. What are you doing here?” Davie asked.

“Looking for you, champ. Aunt Sue feels real bad for hurting your feelings. We were all mighty worried when you ran off like that.”

“Sorry.” The boy sat up straight and slid off his dad’s lap.

“He won’t do it again, will you, son?” Matt smiled, a look of pure love filling his eyes.

Andie looked away. Whether she liked it or not, her two boys loved each other. Very much. She’d have to make room for Matt in her life, even if they didn’t get back together again.

Brett stood before them, the apron crumpled in his fist. “Tell you what. Why don’t we all go back to my house and enjoy our Sunday dinner? We’ve had enough drama for one day.”

Matt frowned and so did Davie.

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. I don’t think I’m welcome there,” Matt said.

“Of course you are. I just talked to Sue on the cell, and she said I wasn’t to come home without you. So come on. She feels bad enough. Let’s do what families should do and forgive one another, okay?”

Andie froze. Brett had always been so easygoing. A peace-maker who lived to make Sue happy. But his sense of justice had forced him to challenge Sue on this issue. He spoke of forgiving one another. That’s what families did, right? And that’s what it came down to for Andie. Forgiveness.

If she couldn’t forgive Matt, where did that leave her with the Lord?

Davie looked at Matt. “I’ll go back if you will.”

A hysterical laugh bubbled up in Andie’s throat. She could definitely force Davie to go to Sue’s house or go to his room. But she didn’t want to lose her son’s love. And right now, she realized he was so relieved to have his father back in his life that he might defy her if she refused. She wanted to make her
son happy, but that wasn’t a reason to invite Matt back into their marriage. She had to be certain they loved each other and wouldn’t hurt each other again.

And that brought Andie’s brain to a standstill. How could they go through the many years ahead without ever being thoughtless? Without saying some insensitive remark or doing something that hurt the other person’s feelings? They couldn’t. Marriage was a process. It wasn’t perfect, and it took daily, hard work to maintain. No guarantees. That’s how families worked. But if they loved each other—really loved each other—they could continue to forgive each other over and over again. They could be happy. Right?

“That’s a good idea, son. It’s the Sabbath and we should be happy today.” Andie reached out and took Davie’s hand.

Davie followed her to the car, as if everything was settled. But Matt hung back, an expression of doubt creasing his eyes.

“Come on. You’re with me.” Brett clapped Matt on the shoulder.

Matt followed, but he didn’t look happy about it. They all piled into Brett’s car, and no one spoke during the ride back to Sue’s house. Inside, Sue avoided Matt and said very little, but she did quietly apologize to Davie in the kitchen.

The boy kissed Sue on the cheek and ran off to play with little Rose. Watching him go, Andie couldn’t help but think how much Davie was like his father. Matt had never been one to hold a grudge, either. In the early years of their marriage, she’d envied him this quality. Now she wasn’t so sure.

Dinner was a subdued affair. Brett did most of the talking.

“How long have you been fighting fire?” Brett asked.

“More than ten years.” Matt took a bite of tender roast beef, looking at his plate. He seemed reticent to talk about his fire days.

“Me, too. But I suppose our training is a bit different, since I mostly fight building fires. There’ve been a few times when
the Forest Service called on the city for help fighting a big wildfire.”

“We may call on you again sometime. I’m the FCO and trying to coordinate our efforts in case we ever need city help.”

Brett nodded. “Give me a call next week and we can set up a meeting to talk. I’d be glad to help any way we can. Maybe we can have lunch.”

“It’s a deal.” Matt smiled.

The two men seemed to get along well, monopolizing the discussion as they talked about work and baseball. Andie noticed Sue occupied herself with feeding the baby and serving everyone else.

When dinner ended, Andie helped clean up the kitchen while the men and Davie disappeared into the family room to watch baseball on TV.

Andie handed the platter of meat to her sister while they cleared the table. “You seem awful quiet tonight, sis.”

Sue tucked a curl of hair behind her ear. “I don’t have a lot to say.”

“Not even about Matt’s phone calls you erased?”

The color drained from Sue’s face, her eyes filled with fear. She’d been caught. “Davie told you about that?”

Andie nodded. “Why did you do it, Sue? Matt called me. He cared. If I’d known, we might have gotten back together years ago. We could have talked things through.”

“I’m sorry, Andie. I—I could only see the bad in him. I thought you were better off without him.”

“And Davie? You thought he was better off without his father?”

“Yes—no—I don’t know. By then, it was too late.” Sue groaned and covered her face with her hands.

Andie hugged her sister. “It’s in the past. Let’s forget about it now. On one condition.”

Sue looked at her sister, her eyes filled with tears of remorse. “And what’s that?”

“That you never come between my husband and me again. Ever.”

“Agreed. I’ll never erase a message, throw away a note or prevent Matt from speaking with you again. I’m so sorry, Andie. For everything.”

“Then all is forgiven.”

Sue drew back, her eyes filled with sadness. “You can forgive me so easily?”

“Of course. You’re my sister. The only one I have.”

“But I drove Davie away. What I said hurt his feelings, and he could have been seriously injured when he walked home alone. Thank goodness we live in a small town and he got there safely.”

“Don’t worry about it anymore. We’re all safe and sound.”

“Are we, Andie? Are we really?”

“Of course.”

Sue jutted her chin toward the family room. “And what about Matt? I hate what he did to you. I was there when he left you. And when Davie was born. I remember how you cried. How he broke your heart. I don’t want to see him hurt you again. You can forgive me, but why can’t I forgive him?”

Andie bit her bottom lip. She felt the same way, but she didn’t want to cry about this today. Or ever again. She wanted to put it behind her. Could forgiveness be that simple? Could she just let it go? “I know, Sue. I don’t think Matt’s going away this time, even if he leaves town. He’ll always be Davie’s daddy. I just want to find a way to make this easier on all of us.”

“I know. But what about you? How are you going to deal with this situation? You’re still young, Andie. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.”

Andie smiled, trying to be strong. Trying to reach for the
faith she’d slowly lost over years of lethargy toward God. “I’m going to start rebuilding my trust in the Lord. And from there, I’ll deal with it one day at a time.”

M
att grit his teeth as he lay on his back and pressed his knee against the exercise mat in his physical therapist’s office. In his head, he counted to twenty, then released a breath of air as he relaxed his leg.

“Good, but keep your heel pressed down. We need to strengthen your thigh.” Shane, his therapist, used his strong hands to knead the tight muscles of Matt’s calf.

Matt did as told, determined to toughen his bad leg so he could walk without a cane. For weeks he’d been walking on his treadmill, gradually increasing the pace until he was jogging three miles every day. It wasn’t easy, but he could do it as long as he held tight to the handrails. Whenever he thought of letting go, he reminded himself that he was holding on to his faith in God, and nothing was impossible with the Lord on his side.

Now as he repeated the exercise, his thigh muscle screamed in agony. Matt clenched his hands, counting to twenty-five, determined to push himself. He had to get himself in condition to deal with the fire-fighting training school he had planned in early May.

It seemed to take a century to finish each set, but Matt did it. He wanted to cry like a baby, but he refused to quit.
He might have to live with chronic pain the rest of his life, but he couldn’t give in to it. Not unless he wanted to commit suicide to find relief. He’d thought of that option many times during the first couple of months following the wildfire. But when he imagined never seeing Andie again, the idea of killing himself had flown out the window. And now there was Davie to think about.

Matt wanted to live. Wanted to be whole again. He would pass the arduous level of his physical testing next month. He would!

Though he hadn’t found a way to forgive himself for what happened during the wildfire, and he hadn’t won Andie’s forgiveness, he had found the courage to keep trying. Whenever he thought of giving up, a curious peace settled over him, giving him strength to fight off the despair. To keep going.

Shane released the pressure and gently massaged Matt’s thigh. “You’re getting stronger, Matt. I can see a big difference this week. Rest a moment. You feel like doing another set?”

“Sure.” No, he didn’t really, but Matt breathed in deeply, easing himself through the tight muscles.

Dressed in exercise shorts, he turned his head away so he wouldn’t have to look at the ugly scars marring his flesh. At one time, he’d been in superb physical condition with strong, muscular legs. When not working on a fire, he’d had a fitness regime that included push-ups, sit-ups and chin-ups. He’d run ten miles on his days off, pushing himself further and harder than any of his crew members. Now every movement seemed a major undertaking.

“Yep, you’re definitely getting stronger, Matt. I can tell you’ve been doing your exercises at home.”

“I never miss a day.” Not when it meant he might walk like a normal man again.

“How many repetitions are you up to with each set?”

“Twenty before I rest.”

“How many sets?”

“Thirty sets three times a day.”

Shane stared at Matt, then gave a low whistle. “No wonder you’re stronger. But how’s the pain?”

“Like a mother bear.”

“Not getting any better?”

Matt wished. “Not yet. Maybe it’s just my toleration for pain that has increased.”

Shane’s strong fingers continued to knead the taut muscles in Matt’s leg. “Hang in there, Matt. I hate to say this to one of my patients, but you may be pushing yourself too hard. I’m hoping your muscles reach a point where they no longer hurt. They were badly damaged and need time to repair.”

They started another set of exercises with Matt pressing against Shane’s strong hands. Matt breathed deep and slow, clenching his jaw. Shane kept up a steady stream of conversation, and Matt realized it was Shane’s way of distracting him from the pain.

“How’s your family doing?” Shane leaned his weight forward against Matt’s lifted leg.

“Good.” Matt thought about Davie’s birthday party coming up soon. He couldn’t wait.

“You still having nightmares?”

“Yeah.” For some reason, Matt had confided in Shane the first time he met him after Shane suggested Matt might want to depend upon a higher power than himself to get through his rehabilitation. The physical therapist had an easy, nonjudgmental way about him that made Matt feel safe. Before Matt even realized what he was doing, he’d revealed that he was having nightmares about the wildfire.

“Did you tell your doctor about them?”

“I haven’t had time to see a shrink yet.”

Shane waved his hand, and Matt rolled over onto his stom
ach. They both had this routine down flat. Matt knew the exercises by heart. “Talking to a medical professional is just as important to your psychological health as these exercises are to your physical health.”

“I don’t need some shrink to analyze my mind. I know how I feel. I don’t need someone telling me how I should feel.” Matt bent his knee, pressing the heel of his left foot toward the back of his thigh.

Shane waited to see if Matt could lift the flat of his foot up toward the ceiling without assistance. Matt could do it, but he couldn’t hold it for long before his hamstring cramped like a knotted rope.

“I think a psychologist would help you deal with your mental pain, Matt. Sometimes we think we have all the answers when we don’t. A trained professional can help you discover how to feel better.”

“I don’t have time,” Matt grumbled, knowing Shane was right. Matt had always had the answers before. He wasn’t used to asking for help from strangers and didn’t want to start now.

Shane assisted Matt, lifting and pressing gently but firmly. “You need to make time, Matt. I’ve read your report, and what happened on the wildfire wasn’t your fault. It’s important that you forgive yourself. It’ll help with your rehabilitation.”

Matt didn’t respond. How could he forgive himself when every fiber of his being disagreed? When a good man had died?

“How did church go last week?” Shane asked.

Matt had also confided to Shane that he planned to attend church. “Fine, after my wife and sister-in-law got over the shock of seeing me in a church.”

Shane chuckled. “Yeah, I have one of those sisters-in-law
myself. And a mother-in-law, too. Did attending church help you with the nightmares?”

Not a lot. Though Matt had found solace in reaching out to God, he hadn’t yet resolved his survivor’s guilt. Why had he lived when Jim had died? The other man had a family depending on him. His wife and kids needed him. And yet, Matt had been the one to survive. Why?

Though Matt hadn’t yet found the answer, he believed it had something to do with his return to Andie and discovering he had a son. Maybe God had saved him so that Matt could become a father to Davie. Could it be that simple?

“And what about your wife?”

Shane’s words echoed in Matt’s hollow heart. He’d been thinking the same thing. Davie had welcomed Matt with open arms, but Andie remained aloof. Matt wondered if he’d ever break through her defenses and mend her broken heart. Since last week, he’d repeatedly asked God for help, but maybe it was too late. Matt couldn’t pray away Andie’s free agency. God allowed all men and women, both good and bad, to choose for themselves how they would act. Sometimes their actions injured other people. Andie had the right to decide for herself, but perhaps the Lord could soften her heart.

“I’m not sure if Andie will ever forgive me, but at least she’s speaking to me. And she lets me visit my son almost any time I want.”

“That’s good. Don’t give up on her. I can help rehabilitate your injured body, but the Lord can help mend Andie’s angry heart. And a trained psychologist can help rehabilitate your injured mind.”

Matt gave a dry laugh. “You never give up, do you?”

Shane flashed a grin. “Not on my favorite patients. I figure we’re also friends.”

“We are. You don’t by chance know any exercises I can do to gain Andie’s forgiveness, do you?”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.”

“Oh? What’s the secret?”

“Send lots of knee mail.”

“Knee mail?”

Shane smiled. “Yeah, prayer. You know? Get down on your knees and pray. It’ll be good exercise for your soul as well as your leg muscles. Then trust in your higher power to do the rest. Give it time. You just need the courage to work through everything.”

Matt snorted. “What about Andie’s will?”

“If you’re willing to accept the will of your higher power, your heart and soul will be equipped to accept Andie’s will also.”

Shane’s words sank deep into Matt’s heart. Could it be true? Could he really accept God’s will if it meant Andie continued to harden her heart against him?

Matt figured he had little choice in what Andie decided to do. But he could choose to be happy even if Andie refused to forgive him. And that’s when Matt realized that his love for Andie wasn’t conditional upon her love for him. He loved her no matter what, because his love was all he had control over. He could decide, irrespective of what other people in his life chose to do. He had his freedom to choose, no matter what hardships or pain he faced. No matter what other people chose to do.

He could still choose to be happy and to love his family.

Matt sat up on the exercise mat and Shane helped him stand. Matt put his weight on his bad leg, testing its strength. After his heavy workout, his legs felt surprisingly relaxed and pain-free today. Maybe the therapy was helping after all. “I sure hope you’re right, Shane.”

“I know I am.”

His friend’s confidence inspired Matt. By the time he left the physical therapist’s office, he felt renewed and hopeful.
As he walked out to the parking lot, his leg didn’t cramp, and he took every fourth step without leaning on his cane. Tonight he’d do his exercises at home, in hopes that his muscles wouldn’t tighten up through the night. Tomorrow he planned to start hiking. He’d wear a vest, gradually adding weight over the next few weeks until he could carry forty-five pounds for three miles and cover the distance within forty-five minutes. That’s what it would take for him to pass the arduous level of his fitness requirement.

As he climbed into his truck, he felt surprisingly free for the first time in months. The weight of surviving the wildfire didn’t seem as gloomy as before. He’d been given an awesome gift. The gift of life. A chance to change. To become a better man.

A man of God.

In spite of all his faults, Matt was determined not to let the Lord down again.

Andie glanced at the brass clock hanging on her office wall and gasped. Eleven-fifteen. How had the time gotten away from her so fast?

She clicked the save button on her computer screen and closed the mineral study she’d been working on for the Forest Supervisor. After tidying some reports on her desk, she hurried to the lady’s room to freshen up. Matt would be here by eleven-thirty, and she didn’t want to be late.

In the restroom, she couldn’t help checking her appearance in the mirror. She brushed the long bangs back from her face and rubbed away a smudge of mascara. Her eyes still looked puffy with fatigue, but that couldn’t be helped now.

Hurrying back to her office, she stopped by Clarice’s desk to give her some last-minute instructions on where she’d be for the rest of the afternoon.

“I’m riding out to visit Hank Cleary at Cove Ranch. Matt
Cutter will be with me. You can reach me on my cell phone if something important comes up.”

Clarice lifted a perfectly manicured hand and pointed toward Andie’s office. “He’s waiting for you now.”

Andie tilted her head. “Hank Cleary?”

“No, Matt Cutter. He’s in your office. He just arrived a few minutes ago.”

Andie’s heart beat faster. Matt was early. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

As she headed to her office, Andie forced herself not to rush. For some reason, knowing Matt was waiting for her made her want to hurry, but she didn’t want to appear anxious to see him. Which she wasn’t.

Okay, maybe a little. But only because she was worried about him. Which irritated her. She didn’t want to worry about her husband. Worrying led to caring, which led to love, and she couldn’t allow herself to care for Matt ever again.

“Hi, Andie.” He smiled that lopsided smile of his when she entered the room. A smile that deepened the dimple in his left cheek and lit up his blue eyes.

In spite of what she’d just told herself, she couldn’t deny his presence made her feel happier. He sat in a chair before her desk, wearing his Forest Service uniform and grasping the hilt of his cane.

She looked away. “Hi, Matt. Ready to go?”

She shut down her computer, knowing she probably wouldn’t return before closing. The drive to and from Cove Ranch would take more than two hours, plus discussion and contract time.

Matt stood and opened the door for her. It might be her imagination, but he didn’t seem to limp quite as much.

“How’s your leg feeling today?” she asked as they walked outside to the parking lot.

“Better. I just left physical therapy, which loosens the muscles up.”

“So therapy is helping?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “Quite a bit. I’m hopeful.”

In the parking lot, she stared at her car with indecision. “You want to take mine or yours?”

“Mine.” He didn’t break stride as he walked toward the farthest corner of the lot. Parked beneath an ornamental cherry tree in full bloom was his blue truck.

“You sure you can drive that far with your bad leg?”

“Yep.” He kept walking, and she recognized the stubborn set of his shoulders.

“You sure parked a long way from the door.” She hustled to keep up with his brisk stride, pleased to see him moving more freely.

“Doctor’s orders. I do it on purpose to exercise my leg.”

Smart. “It seems to be working.”

“Yes, but after therapy, the leg usually stiffens on me in the night. Tomorrow morning, it’ll probably be stiffer than ever. So I might as well enjoy today.” He flashed her a smile and dug the keys out of his pants pocket.

The truck beeped as he used the remote to unlock the doors. He swung the door to the passenger seat open for her and she climbed in.