The Girl Code (2 page)
GIRL:
Any female who still has hopes for her future and the life force of a blooming flower is still a girl in my book (literally). As a matter of fact, my grandmother is one of the youngest girls I know.
And finally, who the hell am I?
I am a single girl just like you (or the friend you will be sharing this book with) who simply took the time to write down all the best coffee-talk-philosophies I've ever heard. You know, all the war-story wisdom and homemade terms that you and all your friends, and I and all my friends, have been laughing over for years. I am also an actress you may have seen in many television shows like,
The Drew Carey Show, Roswell,
and
Arliss
(and hopefully by the time this is published, you'll have also seen me in a couple of good movies). Currently, I am the female star opposite Denis Leary on that “little cop show” on ABC.
But most of you will know me best from my years on that MTV show
Loveline.
Yeah, that's me, the one with the big laugh, flippy hair, and pretty strong opinions about anything I could get a word in edgewise on. After listening to 165 episodes of what's on women's minds, I know how much we really need a laugh. Playing young America's female voice on TV, giving lectures at universities across the country, and generally keeping my eyes open when I leave the house have shown me more than ever how much we also have to be thankful for.
However, what really qualifies me to write this book is the most exceptional gift I have been given:
I have always been blessed with a glorious array of girlfriends. I was lucky enough to have two great brothers, but nothing in the sister department. Nothing biological, anyway…and I think girls who are sisterless sometimes work harder to find special women to grow up beside, all their lives. There are at least thirty-five women in my life who have saved me thousands of hours of therapy. Actually, they are my therapy. It is they who have inspired this book and, unknowingly, coauthored it with me. We've been writing it together all my life.
And as you chuckle along with me in these pages, you will probably experience a wave of nostalgia yourself. You really should get out that address book and dial up your old friends. I believe losing girlfriends leaves a permanent scar on your soul, so I hope this inspires you to reach out and touch someone, before it's too late.
For me it's the members of “Club 66” who span from first grade to twelfth; the “B-2 warriors” in college; the “British princesses,” who taught me to speak English at university; fellow “waitresses” from NYC (who are the hardest-working actresses I've ever worked with); and finally the “fab chicks” in Los Angeles that I call my closest friends, who consistently prove that real women can survive there.
You Speaking in Code
You know those little disclaimers on the sides of cigarettes and alcohol? Well, if your next date came with a warning label, it would contain the following information down the side of his leg. This is the common language of girlfriends who've been there.
.
“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
—ANAÏS NIN
THE BOY
If you change suitors so fast that they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to by this generic title.
For Women Who:
Need to explain to numerous people what's going on in their love life,
Are between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one or over twenty-seven,
Have overbearing mothers and aunts in their life,
Have called off more than one engagement.
As a Modifier:
“It's been two months now; I think the boy has reached name status: His name is Dick, and I'm pretty sure he isn't one.”
MR. RIGHT NOW
This is the guy friend of yours who doesn't have a real job, and is always ready and available when you want to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn't remember in the morning. He's not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
When to Retire Him:
Immediately after college,
When you're not so afraid of a real man,
When he asks you for cab fare home,
After a particularly lonely holiday season.
As an Excuse:
“It's not that I'm afraid of a committed relationship; at the moment all I need is to find a new keg and to pull Mr. Right Now out from underneath the empty one.”
THE [FILL IN THE BLANK] GUY
When you've just met a man and know little to nothing about him but you need to identify him during girl talk, so you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes…that guy.
Best Types of References:
The kind of car he drives
(The Camaro Guy),
His occupation
(The Personal Trainer Guy),
Where you met him
(The Four A.M. in the Taxi Guy),
The way in which he behaved in the morning
if you've already woken up with him
(The Cuddle Guy, The Bad Breath Guy, The Up and Run Guy, etc.)
As an Object:
“He's the guy that slipped the martre d’ twenty dollars for the table, spoke to the waitress like a human, and never had to use his napkin through all of dinner—you know, the Good Manners Guy.”
THE TAKE-HOME PROJECT
When you feel like ignoring some larger issues in your own life, so you invest in a fixer-upper guy—who will cost you nothing but time, money, energy, and happiness. Inevitably, you learn that someone else has recouped his resale value.
Hello! You Will Never:
Fix him to your liking,
Change anything but the window dressing,
Turn him into the guy who got away,
Build the bionic man (…Farrah tried and she couldn't do it, even with all that hair).
As a Reminder:
“Forget him, he can't even dress himself and you don't have the patience for a take-home project.”
A BENEFACTOR
This is a polite title for that 35-45-year-old man who dates 19-25-year-old women. Having one always seems so original (and economical) at first, because he takes you to many more exciting places than guys your own age do and, of course, he pays for everything.
(But don't think you invented this: In the old days they just called him a Sugar Daddy.)
Things to Look Out for:
A wife,
Some kids,
The fact that you're a grown man's Barbie doll,
That anyone who can hang out with someone who's
fifteen years younger than him is a loser.
As a Reprimand:
“No, he's not my father…he's my benefactor; and who cares if he's bald, he pays!”
P.D.A. BOY
The guy you go out in public with and agree to hold hands with, kiss, hug, sit on the same side of the booth with, or show any other Public Display of Affection, before determining boyfriend status.
Usually Causing:
Your friends to abuse you,
Your feelings for him to escalate unrealistically,
One person to suspect the other likes him or her too much too soon,
An inappropriate use of the boyfriend title or “I love you” phrase.
As an Error:
“So there's me and P.D.A. boy making out in the pizza place, and in walks my boss: Kill me now.”
A WELCOME MAT
This is what your friends call you when you keep taking back the guy who only comes a-knockin’ on your door for one thing: sex, drugs, or rock ‘n’ roll. (We could have just called you a doormat, but you're always so damn friendly when he shows up.)
When Did You Decide:
To act like AstroTurf?
That he's so much better than you are?
That you didn't need therapy anymore?
That the girl who tortured you in grammar school was right?
As a Wake-Up Call:
“Yeah, I'm sure he meant to call you, because everyone wants to check in on a welcome mat after they tread on it.”