The Girl Code (3 page)
LUGGAGE
After you or your man has told the other to get lost and you keep finding each other at events of mutual interest. If you tossed him, he's the luggage, and what's required is a game of ditch. If he tossed you, then you're the luggage, and this is a game of looking as though you're having a good time without him.
Necessary Requirements:
At least one ally to help you ditch or save face,
A mineral water because alcohol will kill you here,
A good seat for viewing or hiding,
A ladies’ room to escape to if the game gets too intense.
As a Plea to God:
“I must have ‘Samsonite Customer Service’ stamped right on my forehead, because I cannot lose this luggage for the life of me.”
“In term s of dating—style, not sincerity, is the important thing.”
—OSCAR WILDE
BOOTY CALL
This kind of rendezvous begins after one of you has already been out for the night. It starts with a post-midnight phone call that you make or receive from a place with loud music. It includes brief, often unintelligible, yet urgent conversation and ends with “See you in fifteen minutes.”
Things to Keep in Mind:
The guy who's calling will never be your boyfriend,
The call itself can be seen as a symptom of alcoholism,
Don't go on this kind of date looking for a nice conversation,
This no-strings-attached encounter can nevertheless be the best reason to stay friends with ex-boyfriends.
As an Addition to Your Evening:
“The phone is ringing at one
A.M.
…I'm so glad I didn't take my makeup off cause you just know that's a booty call.”
SEMI-ANNUAL BOYFRIEND
Describes a man you see twice a year for either Christmas and Easter, Rosh Hashanah and Passover, Ramadan or Kwanza, or a couple of those weddings you just can't face alone. General Rule: The less he talks, the better it works.
Profile of This Man:
He looks good in a suit,
He understands his place,
For whatever reason, he gets your family dynamics,
He has money, or wit, or style but is missing two of these three.
As an Aside:
“No, we're not dating, that's my semi-annual boyfriend. Don't you remember him from the Christmas party last year…he owns that great tux.”
SEEING-IMPAIRED DATE
Different from a blind date, this is a guy you already know, but when you met him your beer goggles were so thick that you're no longer sure what he looks like. Your fears include seeing what he looks like now, as well as seeing what you were thinking then.
Necessary Precautions May Include:
Choosing lunch instead of dinner—seeing as it's not as lengthy,
Going to a very dark bar—seeing as that's the light you probably saw him in,
Bringing the girlfriend you were with when you met him—seeing as she might recognize him,
Figuring out an escape alibi—seeing as you really have no idea what you're in for.
As Nonchalant as Possible:
“Will you meet me at the restaurant at 9:30, it's a seeing-impaired date and I may need a ride to an AA meeting if my judgment was really off.”
A NON-CLOSER
This is that toad you've gone out with at least three times, and whether your intention is to suck face or take things even further, the damn guy won't let you close the deal. Nothing is more frustrating than a guy that won't go there.
Possible Reasons for His Ineptitude Include:
He's one of those misinformed boys who think nice girls must be virgins,
He's unable to distinguish between a lady and a nun,
He's already in love with you,
He's gay.
As a Cry of Frustration:
“Where's a guy from the football team when you need him, I'm never going out with a non-closer again.”
A BABY-SITTING JOB
This is a date with a man who is between three and fifteen years younger than you. Going out with him means you always plan the evenings and subsequently pay for them. {Usually you will also have to dress him, drive him, and later drop him off at his beastly apartment or parents’ home.)
Why on Earth You Would Do This:
Because he's hot,
Because he's hot,
Because he's hot,
Because he's so hot, you can avoid some real big issue in your own life.
As a V-V-Verb:
“I know you're curious about him, but please don't ask him to speak…I'm just baby-sitting him for a few years until he marries a supermodel.”
THE PAPERWORK DATE
Not always the most romantic date, but definitely the most modern: occurring when you and your man have decided to have sex or to stop using condoms…but you first take a little outing to the clinic together to get your AIDS tests in unison.
Things to Keep in Mind:
Try not to have a panic attack in the waiting room and start blurting out hundreds of names,
The pleasures that come later will greatly outweigh this hell,
If you go together he can't chicken out, lie, and say he did it,
Neither can you.
As an Explanation to a Married Person:
“It's not weird, it's just a paperwork date, and afterward is much better than just going to a movie.”
PLAYING HOUSE
When it's too early in the dating process to do those things you miss most when you're single: staying home, cuddling up, and watching a movie on the couch…but the weather is so damn perfect for it that you just do it anyway.
Best Kinds of Weather for It:
The first snowfall in the Midwest,
Early November on the East Coast,
A midsummer thunderstorm in the South,
Any third date you manage to get in the Los Angeles area, no matter what the weather is doing.
As a Sentence to Later Regret:
“I'd actually prefer just playing house tonight; we'll always have time for dancing later on.”
AN INDEPENDENT ACTIVITIES EVENING
When you've been dating for a long while and he wants to see you but you need to get some stuff done. Rather than reject him, you just invite him to bring his own stuff over, and both of you do your own “stuff,” but in the same room. (P.S. After marriage this is called quality time.)
Perfect for:
A guy who always wants to be around,
Nights when you can't be bothered to put on makeup,
Ensuring a sleepover at your house,
Anal-retentive organization freaks who need a lot of time at home.
As a Bargaining Chip:
“C'mon honey, I'll go to your firm dinner party tomorrow if we can have an independent activities evening tonight.”
“It's not about how much you love someone, it's about who you are when you're with them.”
—D.F.
DUNGEON LOVE
When your first encounter with a new lover unexpectedly lasts three days straight, causing the most intense, passionate, overwhelming, fairy-tale feelings of love…until you leave the house and the reality sets in that you don't know diddly squat about him in the real world.
Reasons to Do It Anyway:
Real-life love is much dimmer than dungeon love,
It's usually the most amazing sex of your life,
It's a twice-in-a-lifetime opportunity at the most,
No man will ever be perfect in the real world, so live the fantasy while you can.
As a Confession:
“On a blind date Friday night I cooked dinner for this guy from the Swedish Olympic team, and when we finally got dressed on Monday morning, I knew it was dungeon love.”
IN THE ROTATION
The appropriate description of the man you see:
(1) between one and three times a month,
(2) for scheduled events rather than just hanging out,
(3) who has yet to see anything but your best behavior,
(4) who firmly believes you have no intention of advancing your relationship beyond this status, regardless of whether or not this is true.