The Grown-Up's Guide to Running Away from Home, Second Edition: Making a New Life Abroad (3 page)

We may have only one life, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the same throughout. Do you have thirty, forty, or fifty different years of experience in living? Or the same year several times over? If the answer is the latter and you’re not satisfied with those repeated experiences, then you may be ready to try your wings.

Most people who plan long-term adventures overseas have one thing in common: the desire to revitalize themselves and experience more variety from life. Over and over, you hear the same refrain from expatriates: “I didn’t want to reach the end and realize I hadn’t done this,” “I didn’t want to do the same old thing until I was an old thing,” or “I didn’t want to look back on my life and say, ‘If only I could have …’ ”

Don’t let fear stop you. An adventure abroad is easier than you think. With a bit of preparation and patience, you can open up a whole new realm of possibilities for the second half of your life. Your decision should, of course, be based on your own needs and current situation. There’s a time to run away and a time to stay put. But if you are ready and the time is right, you too can enjoy the experience of a lifetime.

Start by deciding if this is a good time to plan such an adventure. As much as I encourage you to enjoy the adventure, I do believe that a dream
doesn’t mean you should throw caution aside, tell your boss to shove it, divorce your spouse, and split.

As an adult, especially, you have special needs that a younger person doesn’t have. If you have a good job, then you have a lot invested in it (of course, if you were really happy at that job, then you wouldn’t be reading this book). Even if you do want to take a sabbatical, you may find it difficult to return to a comparable position. You may be close to retirement and may not want to endanger your nest egg with an ill-conceived or premature attempt at running away.

That said, if you’re dreaming of one last fling before you settle back into old age, this chapter in particular will help you decide if you’re ready now for a great escape, if you should wait a few years, or if a vacation is all you really need to brighten your spirits.

Are you cut out to live in another culture? Be honest now. You could simply be bored with your job, and anything that smacks of not working might sound good. So consider if you’d be happy with the new challenge of living overseas, or if you might simply need to make changes in your everyday life, without taking such drastic measures.

Major corporations know that some people just don’t function well overseas. When they are planning to transfer employees abroad, they must take this into consideration. It’s expensive in moving costs, salary, and wasted productivity for a corporation to transfer someone who won’t succeed in another culture. In fact, one moving company representative estimates it costs $350,000 to $500,000 to transfer someone overseas for a corporation. Don’t panic: it won’t cost you anywhere near that. This figure includes increased salary, higher rents for people moving to expensive large cities, and private school for their children. The early retiree or person switching to a semi-retired lifestyle won’t require these expensive extras.

However, just as a corporation must be sure its employees will function well overseas, you should apply the same consideration to yourself to ensure that you make this extensive life change successfully.

If you’re leaving a job and a home and spending your own money on this adventure, it’s all the more important to find out—before you make the move—if you’ll really be happy with this massive change.

Brenda Bellon is part of Prudential Relocation’s Intercultural Group, which specializes in preparing corporate employees for their moves overseas. One basic tool they use is the Overseas Assessment Inventory of potential expatriates, including the spouse. The test checks the attributes essential to successful cross-cultural adjustment. “No one is perfect,” Bellon says, “but knowing where people fall on the scale helps determine where they can improve before they leave for overseas.”

One of the most important aspects the test checks for is the person’s ability to accept different ways of life and adapt to them, rather than insisting that their way is the only way. The person should enjoy the process of discovery, and Bellon thinks that a sense of humor is an asset: “Not as in telling jokes, but in finding the fun in situations.”

You don’t need to have a formal test as a corporate employee might, but do a fast check to see where your mind is—and prepare yourself to open it.

The biggest shocks to the system when you move to a new culture are not the major changes, but the small things. That blankety-blank bathroom has no shower and that small bathtub is a slippery little devil to boot. Then you discover the local bookstore doesn’t stock English-language paperbacks, and you’re dying for a good mystery. You miss cheeseburgers or the convenience of having pizza delivered on a rainy night.

Every overseas culture will offer small challenges like these, as well as larger ones, such as a new language. If the culture is vastly different, make sure that it’s one you would enjoy discovering. If you really don’t want to try a new language, choose a country where you know the language. Even if it confuses you when that Brit tells you to put something other than a sock in your “boot,” at least you’ll know enough of the language to ask what they’re talking about.

The language may be the same in English-speaking countries, but the customs will be different. You must be willing to try a new lifestyle on for size and adapt to it. If you compare your new country to the United States, you’ll only succeed in making yourself miserable and the people around you frustrated, at best, or irritated, at worst. Your lifestyle will change, and you need to accept the changes. That’s the whole point—or else you might as well stay at home.

If you’re married, your spouse must be on the same track as you are. Do you both agree on the adventure? Or is one of you more eager than the other? Even if one person is definitely more excited by the prospect, the other one should still accept the move. One woman had dreamed for years of painting in Paris. When her husband reached a point at which he could break away from his business in Texas, they decided to go. Though her husband wasn’t as passionate about the opportunity as she was, he was a willing participant.

If you’re taking a child, you must consider carefully how that child will adapt. Young children will often adapt well. In fact, they will quickly surpass the parents in making friends through school and learning a new language.

However, an older child or teenager may be confused or frightened by the changes, especially one who’s forced to leave friends in the middle of high school. In the latter case, you might be better off waiting until your child goes to college.

You’re fortunate if you still have your parents at midlife, but they may be your responsibility if they are very elderly or ill. Some people find other support systems and make periodic trips back to the States. Some take their parents with them. You may even find this to be a preferable and cost-saving alternative to nursing care. In some countries, such as Mexico or Portugal, it may be vastly less expensive to find good household help to care for the elderly. The other side of this coin, however, is the fact that older people can be intimidated by a move, have friends in the States, and not be able to adapt to a new environment.

These are tough, sometimes heart-wrenching, decisions. Whether you will decide to leave while you have these responsibilities depends on you, your parents, and whether or not you have other family or caregivers nearby.

We once met an American writer who was being fed gratis thanks to the generosity of a French café owner until his financial situation turned around. We don’t suggest you do anything that will get you in this fix (even if the food was very good in this café overlooking the Seine!). After you read more of this book, figure out a way to have your adventure and eat too. It can be done. This is a matter of planning to save more and spend less.

Most of us runaways found ways to live pleasantly within our means. We saved and figured out ways to cut the costs once we were settled in our new homes. Living as an expatriate means giving up a bit materially, but I haven’t met a long-time expat who minds. The adventure is well worth giving up an extra here and there.

Certain times in life and certain situations are better than others for running away—or at least easier. These are the times when your life is in flux anyway:

You should probably scratch any thought of living overseas if (a) you’ve never watched
National Geographic
; (b) you watched it but asked why they didn’t cover those women properly; or (c) you made your parents pick you up at summer camp after one night, and you’ve never been away from home since.

OK, seriously, there are times when your family may be growing or when the children may have specific needs or problems that can’t be handled at a distance. Other reasons not to run away include the following:

None of these reasons means you won’t ever want to run away. The timing just may not be right at the moment. If it’s a dream, though, start planning. You can still enjoy the pleasure of reading about, preparing for, and imagining your trip. The planning will also make the transition go all the more smoothly when you finally do take off.

Wait. Yes, even if you’ve made that exciting decision to try overseas life, the next most important step is to work out a plan. Like the Scouts, “be prepared” should be your goal, ensuring that you do all you can to make your adventure a roaring success. This requires waiting a minimum of six months, more likely a year or longer.

It takes longer to run away from home when you’re a grown-up with adult responsibilities. It took you twenty years or more to accumulate the life you have now. You can’t expect to shed it in a month.

Just because you’re waiting to make the big move doesn’t mean you’ll sit twiddling your thumbs. In fact, the waiting time will be exciting as you dream, prepare, and anticipate. Remember when you were a kid, waiting and hoping for a birthday present you were sure was coming? This is the adult version. Planning your adventure will give every day more zest.

The time speeds by, and you’ll need all of it to absorb the information you need to gather. In our case, it took us five years from the day we sat in a sidewalk café in France and one of us mused, “Wouldn’t it be great to live here for a year?” until we actually came back to live. But when we did, we felt comfortable with the idea and were prepared to enjoy it to the fullest.