The Hardest Fall (Roadmap to Your Heart Book 3) (13 page)

H
ow was
it possible to want Tate this much? I’d never wanted anybody like this before. My chest achy, my fingertips trembling, and my balls heavy and ready to explode.

And the way he’d laid it out for me, it was almost like he was saying this was no big thing, he’d kissed plenty of men before, so what’s one more?

I forced aside the idea that he’d made this same offer to plenty of others in the past. I wanted to be the only one, for fuck’s sake, at least for tonight.

My fingers dragged up to his hair and I ran my hands through the silky smoothness. The purple was beginning to fade and I wondered what he’d dream up next. That was the thing about Tate. He was refreshing and unpredictable. I was the opposite, so I wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing here with me.

As I kissed each corner of his mouth his breathing intensified and it was heady to think I was turning this gorgeous man on. I felt bad that he’d end up with a case of blue balls just like me. But in that moment I felt like I might die if I didn’t taste his tongue in my mouth again.

When my hands burrowed and then gripped his hair tighter, his eyes transformed to molten sapphire. My lips brushed over his again and this time I let my tongue slick over his bottom lip. He gasped as I nipped and sucked it into my mouth.

When I released his lip, his mouth was swollen, as he panted against me. My heartbeat rose to a crescendo in my eardrums and I couldn’t take it any longer, I dove straight in. My lips met his in a bruising kiss and my tongue burrowed deep as I devoured his mouth.

When he groaned, I shove my tongue deeper. We were all teeth, lips, and tongues as we sucked on jaws and necks and ears before fitting our mouths back together again.

I nudged Tate down on the couch and sank on top of him so that we were aligned chest to chest, and hip to hip. As soon as his long and hard cock strained and rubbed against mine, I whimpered. There it was, the thing that had been missing the other night at the club. It was such a new experience that I didn’t even know how to manage the explosion of arousal inside of me.

“Fucking hell, Sebastian.” Tate lifted his hands above his head on the arm of the couch in a show of surrender. It was the first time I realized that he hadn’t touched me with anything but his mouth. He was letting me call the shots and set my own pace and the idea of it made my heart knock hard inside my chest. “I almost just came in my pants.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, staring into his lust-glazed eyes.

“Sorry?” his voice was strained. “You’re too sexy for your own good.”

His eyes fell shut and his hips canted upward, making our groins connect again.

I gasped, allowing the words to pour from my lips. “Please touch me. I need you to touch me.” I was desperate to have his hands and his body connect to mine in some tangible way. I needed it, badly. Because soon enough, I’d be all alone again.

His eyes snapped open. “You sure?”

“I’m sure,” I said, out of my mind with a longing that was nearly blinding. “I’ve never wanted somebody to touch me more.”

His breath hitched as he stared hard at me as if waiting for me to change my mind. Then he lifted his hands and gently grasped my waist as if afraid to spook me. His fingers were warm as they dug deeper into my skin. I shuddered, my head tunneling into his neck.

“Damn, you feel good,” he said as his fingers skimmed beneath my shirttail. “Can I see you? Fuck, I need to see you.”

I reached for the buttons on my shirt and began exposing my skin to him one clasp at a time. The way he gazed in my eyes and then down to my chest so reverently made my cock thicken further.

“I want to see you too,” I said. He wasted no time pulling his shirt over his head.

As my hands traveled down his smooth torso I realized what a contrast we were not only in skin color. Thick patches of hair darkened my pecs and formed a trail down the center of my chest. As his eyes followed that path, I wondered if he noticed the distinction between us as well.

My thumb traced over the taut nipple of his unblemished skin. I never imagined being so entranced by a man’s chest nor leaning forward and flattening my tongue against his smooth brown disc.

“Sebastian,” he ground out, his fingers flying to my hair. When I lifted my head his eyes latched onto mine and I leaned forward to capture his lips in a sensual kiss. Our tongues darted out and our eyes remained open and it felt like my heart might burst straight through my chest and land at his feet in a fucking salute.

His mouth became rougher and as his fingers connected with my neck he dragged me further into his embrace. Our kisses turned wild and desperate and suddenly I needed to come so badly. “Oh God, I can’t take much more of this.”

“Unbutton your pants,” he muttered against my neck. As my hands sailed to my zipper his did the same and suddenly the heads of our cocks were visible and leaking. When he shoved his boxers further down his hips, I was able to glimpse his longer and thinner cock and holy fuck, I had never imagined what a turn-on that would be. My dick was darker and thicker and as our cocks aligned I was certain I had never seen a more sensual sight.

His fingers grazed my bare waist as he helped push my pants down over my thighs and then suddenly we were rubbing up against each other. I’d never had a man’s cock next to mine like this but it didn’t matter that it was new, because holy fucking hell it was so good. So damn good.

Next thing I knew, Tate’s hands were on my bare ass, squeezing and parting my cheeks and his lips were on my neck sucking at the skin. I knew he might leave a mark and I didn’t even give a shit. In fact, I wanted him to suck harder.

I followed his lead by inhaling the skin at his shoulder, biting down, and then tracing my tongue. He mumbled
fuck
under his breath.

“Sebastian, I need your hands on me,” he said in a strained voice. “Right the fuck now.”

“Like this?” My fingers reached down to his erection, tracing over the vein, feeling its weight in my palm. Holy hell, I had another man’s cock in my hand.

“Yeah, just like that,” he sighed almost in relief. “Damn.”

“It’s perfect,” I said without any pretense because it felt true in that moment.
You’re perfect.

“Put your palm around the both of us.” He reached for my hand and helped curl it around our cocks. I looked down to see my hold on the light and dark, plump and slender flesh and it was so erotic.

“Is this okay?” I asked, tentatively moving my knuckles up and down. Both of us were leaking like crazy, and my fingers were getting damp.

“Yes,” he hissed. “Now pump us into oblivion.”

In unison we began thrusting into my fist, our cocks sliding together creating the perfect storm. “Come for me Sebastian. Let me see you.”

My eyesight nearly whited out as my orgasm careened into me, knocking my head back in a blinding fog.

“Fuck,” I shouted, shooting all over our hands. “Goddamn.”

There was a hoarse groan that erupted from Tate’s mouth as he came too, our seed mixing together over my fingers.

He fell back against the cushion and brought me with him. Our breaths were harsh and our limbs limp. After a couple of minutes of lazy kisses, I sat up so that I could reach for extra tissues to clean us up with.

As I swiped at his stomach and marveled at how much come had pooled there, he mumbled. “Any regrets?”

I thought for a second. Maybe I should have regrets but, “None,” I said. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever done which probably sounds lame because you—”

“No, don’t do that. Don’t diminish it. It was fucking sexy as hell hearing you moan and turning you on,” he said, gripping my forearm. “Thank you for trusting me.”

My heart dropped like a stone in my stomach. He must’ve seen the raw sadness in my eyes because he grabbed for my chin and said, “You sure there are no regrets?”

“Just one.” I buttoned and zipped my pants and found I couldn’t even look at him.

He sat up to stare at me. “What is it?” he asked in a strained voice as I haphazardly clasped most of the buttons on my shirt.

I reached for his jaw with both hands and kissed him tenderly one last time. “I wish I had met you first.” Because I had to do this. Especially after what we just shared, I needed to be honest with him.

His eyebrows slammed together as I fished the envelope from my bag and laid it in his lap. “I’m sorry.”

My eyes actually stung as I stumbled out into the hallway and closed the door behind me.

T
he manila envelope
felt heavy on my leg and I was afraid to move for fear of anything else happening to further shift the landscape of my life. The man I’d been lusting after had just given into his desire and now there was some sort of bomb ready to detonate in my lap.

Taking another moment to process what just happened, I sat up, laid the envelope to the side, and reached for my shirt on the floor. Then I pulled up my pants, avoiding the inevitable. I could still smell him on me, as if ingrained in my skin, even though he cleaned up all the evidence of our intimacy.

My fingers shook as I lifted the envelope and opened the latch on the back that had kept it fastened. I dumped the contents out and what I saw made my heart lodge painfully in my throat.

The envelope contained messages and photos between Alan and me. Intimate things that I figured were long gone. Thrown out or destroyed. Why in the hell did Sebastian have my messages from Alan? What the fuck?

Alan.

I hadn’t allowed myself to think about him quite like this since…. since I found out he had passed away from cancer. Not even when I was discussing him with Sebastian at the bar did I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I kept them locked down tight.

I could not keep the mist from forming in my eyes now though, damn it.

But this time the searing pain didn’t come. Maybe I had grieved enough. Now there was only confusion and anger. Did Sebastian know Alan?

There was a long sheet of paper with a note composed in a different handwriting. It had to be Sebastian’s. It was loopy as opposed to Alan’s severe lines. It struck me as elegant, just like I always thought Sebastian was.

T
ate
,

I’ll begin with sorry.

Sorry that my childhood friend put me up to the task of retrieving this envelope on his deathbed.

Sorry that he sounded so bereft like he wanted you to know how much he still thought about you.

Sorry that I opened an envelope I should’ve just destroyed.

Sorry that I was so curious I looked you up and went to your performance.

I thought maybe you should know—about his death and his feelings. Maybe you needed to know. Maybe it would fill some vacancy inside of you. I’ll blame that logic on my background and history.

Sorry that I found you so mesmerizing that I changed course and decided to hold off. Maybe you didn’t want to know. Maybe it would shatter you.

I was so fucking confused.

Sorry that I kept coming back and got to know you and that I ached to be with you. I have never been pulled so strongly into another human being’s orbit.

I’m not sorry I met you—because you opened up a part of me that had apparently been on lockdown. Thank you for that.

I’m sorry I allowed things to get as far as they did because I’m afraid I’ve wrecked you. And you hate me.

I’m also afraid I’ll never be able to get the feel of your lips against mine out of my head again.

I’ll understand if you want to put your fist in my face. I would too.

Sebastian

M
y hands were shaking
. Fuck. I had no idea what to do or how to even organize my brain.

Despite his explanation, Sebastian had deceived me. I hadn’t expected that from him—he had become a man I admired and what he’d done took him down a notch.

Made him…human. He wasn’t just the man who was kind and fed the homeless. He wasn’t perfect. He was real.

I picked up each email and read it, forcing the warm bile down my throat. Alan had kept all of this locked away in some envelope? Then he asked Sebastian to retrieve it for him? So that when he died he wouldn’t be implicated. That familiar anger arose in my gut.
Fuck you, Alan.

I picked up each photo of me in full queen regalia. Always in a bedroom with him. Always playing a role for him. The sourness returned to my throat.

Sebastian hadn’t known me as anything other than a drag queen. He might have even thought I was in transition. And still he didn’t shy away from that information. Maybe because of the compassionate person he was. He sought me out. How ironic that I’d returned to the place I’d worked before I left the city for NC State.

But Alan hadn’t approached me inside my place of employment. No, he’d wait for me in the back alleyway and escort me to his waiting limo. The shame began at the soles of my feet and traveled up to my ears making me prickly hot. That’s the part I didn’t share with anybody. That at first it had begun as an arrangement because I was lured by the wealth. I was too naïve and shallow.

And then it had become something more to the both of us.

I had thought he loved me. My fist crumpled up one of the notes that read,
See you Saturday night as usual baby. Wear the red stilettos.

Fuck. I flung the wad of paper across the room. How could Sebastian have thought that I would want to be reminded of any of this? Couldn’t he tell how much this fucked up my brain? Or maybe he thought this would help prove something to me.

I picked up my phone and texted the first thing that came to my mind.

How could you possibly think I would want this? Do you actually think Alan cared for me?

I gritted my teeth and stared at my cell waiting for him to type out his response.

Sebastian: At first I thought maybe he had in his own way. Now I think him heartless and self-serving because of what he put you through. But I don’t believe in hiding the truth. And I had that information for far too long. I will never do something so reckless again. Because in the end I hurt you too, so how am I any better than him?

Fuck you
. It was the only response I was capable of.

Sebastian: I deserve that and more
.

I flung aside my phone and sat there staring at the wall for hours it seemed when really it had only been minutes.

The latch of the door jiggled and in walked Tori. She saw my devastation immediately and dropped her bags to join me on the couch.

“What happened, honey?” she asked timidly.

I motioned with my arm. “Oh you know, just another day in the fucked up life of Tate.”

“Your life isn’t fucked up; stop it,” she said, sinking down beside me. “Your life is pretty cool as are your friends if I do say so myself.”

She tugged me into a hug and I breathed in her lavender scent that always brought me comfort. “You just had to insert yourself in the situation, huh?”

“That’s right. I deserve some credit here,” she said into my shoulder. “Now tell me what’s up.”

I handed her Sebastian’s letter first and then slid the contents of the envelope toward her instead of giving her a rambling explaining. As she sifted through the information, I threw my arm dramatically over my eyes and waited her out.

I could hear her responses as she rifled through the madness, fitting all the pieces together. “What the…is this from when…holy crap.”

I cringed and nearly snatched all of my private moments away from her because that was such a dark and vulnerable time. And now not one but two people in my life knew about the nitty-gritty details. And one of them made my blood boil for different reasons.

“A mess, right?” I sighed, unable to meet her gaze.

When she didn’t respond I uncovered my eyes. Her gaze was watery and now I questioned if I really should have given her an insider’s view at my intimate notes with Alan or Sebastian for that matter. But she was like a sister to me, closer than even my own sibling who lived states away.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” Tori finally said with a sorrowful voice. “What can I do?”

I shrugged as if it was nothing. As if I wasn’t shattered all over again. “Watch Netflix and talk it through with me when my brain is back in working order?”

She reached out and pushed at my long bangs that had fallen into my face after being subjected to Sebastian’s hands. Then she swiped a finger across my wet cheek. I hadn’t even realized that I’d been crying. For who or what I wasn’t sure. Or maybe it was for me. For the innocence I’d lost a long time ago.

“If it includes ice cream then it’s a deal,” Tori said but she couldn’t seem to drag her gaze away from the photos of me that Alan had shot. Thankfully, only one of them was in a sexy position, with me sitting on the bed, my legs splayed wide open, a garter belt and silky black underwear covering my erection.

Hell, I tried to wipe that memory from my brain because that was the night Alan and I had shared our intimate feelings and he let me top him for the first time. Every other time, he wanted to fuck me. Hard.

“What is it?” I asked, my hand landing on her arm.

“I just wonder why it’s these photos,” she said. “And not others…like you without the makeup and drag clothes.” She looked sharply up at me. “Or were you never out of costume with him?”

“You know how gay men can be fetishized by supposedly straight people, right?” I had unfortunately learned the hard way.

She looked green and her hand flew to her stomach.

I cringed. “Later, okay?”

“Yep,” she said, standing up and planting a small smile on her face. “I’ll get the ice cream.”