The Hardest Fall (Roadmap to Your Heart Book 3) (14 page)

I
hadn’t known
what to do with myself the last few days except go through the motions. Annie only had to take one look at me to realize that my plan to tell Tate had all gone to shit.

At night I watched his YouTube videos, so I was officially a creeper. What the hell was wrong with me? He obviously didn’t want to see me anymore, so why did I keep thinking about him—his smile, the way his hands had felt on me?

His last response still rang loudly in my head.
Fuck you.

After I got home, I fixed myself some Thai leftovers I ate for sustenance only. I planted myself in front of the television, mindlessly flipping through channels before I finally pulled up my laptop and noticed Tate had uploaded a new video. I toyed with myself, telling myself that I’d only click this one last time and that was it, I’d be all done with Tate Sullivan.

I noted the date immediately. He had filmed it last night. As the camera zeroed in on his face, Tate looked his usual bright and shiny and stunning self, though unless it was my imagination, there was an underlying sadness in his eyes along with some shadows. And I had been responsible for placing them there. Fuck.

As I scanned his body like some love-starved kid, I noticed something new. His hair was now an electric blue color and he wore it well. He could pretty much pull off any look.

“Hey everybody.” His hands skimmed over the spiky layers on his head. “How do you like the new hair? It was time for a change.”

Staring off camera someplace, he seemed to take a deep breath and get himself together.

“Today I’m going to show you how to apply lipstick that lasts all day,” he said, playing to the camera with a huge smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “There are so many different brands it can be overwhelming, so I’ll list my favorites for you in the credits. I like to stick to a creamy finish instead of a matte, because your lips will feel and look really dry.”

He first outlined the edges of his lips and all I could think about was kissing that mouth. The way his tongue had brushed over my teeth and gums and roof of my mouth, as if exploring me for the first time. I felt a deep and achy longing in my gut for the man on the screen in front of me. Never would I have imagined that such a delicate thing would’ve blossomed between us.

I was so caught up in fantasizing about him that I almost missed his next sentence. “So remember when I told you guys about Dark Eyes?”

My breath froze in my lungs. Shit, he was about to lay into me in front of his entire viewing audience, which had grown to the thousands, no doubt because of Tate’s charisma and charm.

He grabbed another tube while my heart beat double time wondering just what in the hell he was about to say. Would he out me like this? Mention my name, my family business? I probably deserved it. What did it matter anyway? My customers knew the quality of my work after all these years. And if labels scared them, then they could fuck off. My father would have said the same thing.

“Now what you need to do is put on a shiny topcoat,” he said with a dramatic sweep of his hand over some tubes of what I assumed were lip-gloss in plastic containers. His collection was impressive. After he chose a tube and said something about it being not too tacky, he smacked his lips together.

“Okay back to my story,” he said, some of the darkness returning to his gaze. My stomach bottomed out. “So after that hot kiss, you remember the one.” His grin was devilish. “He asked to get together and well…we kissed again and some other stuff I won’t get into because this is a family show.”

He beamed at his viewers. “But then afterward he sprang something on me. Something big. Something he knew about my past and well…I mean, he’d been lying to me this whole time about how we first met and I feel pretty fucking betrayed.”

His shoulders slouched and head dropped dramatically for a couple of long seconds before he sprang up and spoke to his audience again.

“The thing is…I could tell it really wrecked him to confess that information and I wonder sometimes if…” His gaze took on this faraway look and for the first time I realized this was not the Tate I had come to know. He was distracted and fidgety, his fingers palming the tubes of lipstick in an erratic manner. “If we couldn’t somehow be friends again in the future. I mean, it wouldn’t work to be anything more. But I kind of miss his friendship. Stupid right?”

Then he became all bright and cheery again and said something about next time but all I could do was hold my breath and think about how he just said he missed me because fuck, I missed him too. I couldn’t help feeling some kind of hope building inside of me. I knew we couldn’t be anything more and that was something I would have to learn to accept, but maybe we could move past this as friends.

And then my gaze scanned down the screen at the comments from his viewers and that was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

He’s a loser, just ditch him.

Fuck him, hurting you like that. He’s not worth it.

You’ll find the right guy for you. If you want my number let me know. I’d fuck this dude out of your system.

A firestorm of rage built up inside me at that comment. Did his viewers only see him as an object?

But Tate was smart and he could take care of himself.

I pushed the laptop away from my legs and sank back onto the couch cushions to stare at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat.

I lifted my cell phone from the coffee table and scrolled through my text messages.

Finally, I clicked on his name and my fingers hovered over the letters.

I’m so fucking sorry. I should’ve destroyed that envelope. I should have never sought you out. I know it doesn’t mean much now but…. I don’t regret meeting you. I only regret hurting you.

Silence on the other end.

I
t’d been
a week but I couldn’t help searching the corner of the bar for Sebastian. I needed to cut that shit out, it wasn’t like he was some great love of my life or even a potential.

After Bethany helped me change and then rushed off to assist Candy Cane, who was the final act of the night, and definitely high maintenance, I headed up to the bar to get my usual.

When Phil handed me my beer with lemon, he said, “Your friend hasn’t been around to see you.”

He didn’t miss much so he rolled his eyes when I responded, “What friend?”

“Tate,” Jessica called behind me and when I turned she looked super-hot in her tight jeans and rhinestone top, so I knew she was going out, maybe hoping to hook up with a woman for the night. “We’re heading up to The Jungle. Coming?”

I looked behind her to see a couple of the other queens plus a hot twink named Jeremy who always made it known he was interested in hooking up with me.

I figured he was just different enough from Sebastian that I’d go for it tonight. Maybe he’d even let me fuck him. I pretended the very idea of it didn’t make my stomach curdle. “Sure,” I said, and downed my drink.

We walked out the door and headed around the corner to Bedford Street.

“What time should Bethany and I be at your apartment tomorrow?” Jessica asked. She had been bugging me to take her to Safe Harbor ever since I told her about Chris and the other residents I had met there.

When Bethany heard us talking about it on Cher theme night, when all the queens had dressed up in one of her daring retro outfits, she came up with the idea of throwing a fundraiser at the club. It was a fantastic idea, but horrible timing. Though I supposed I had Sebastian to thank for opening my eyes and expanding my worldview.

“Andre said he could meet us late afternoon before food prep to discuss the idea.”

After Bethany bugged me enough times, I’d pulled out my phone and contacted Andre, the head honcho of Safe Harbor, with Bethany in the room. I made certain to choose an off night to meet with him where I was certain that Sebastian wouldn’t be there.

The Jungle was a throbbing pulse of sweaty bodies and as soon as I got to the dance floor and shook the hell out of my ass, I felt better, like I was relieving a boatload of stress.

Jeremy wasted no time because as soon as I allowed him to place his hand on my hip and grind his groin into mine, his lips were immediately on me, and his hands roamed my body like some octopus on acid. “You were so hot on stage tonight.”

That statement made me falter and I yanked my head away from his sloppy kisses. I was only a fantasy to him anyway. He didn’t want to know the real me. But what did it matter if this was only a hookup?

I put it out of my mind and redoubled my efforts, grabbing at his surprisingly substantial cock through his pants. He moaned, which was hot, but it sounded too different to my ears.

I pushed away from him. “Sorry man, just not feeling it tonight.”

His eyes widened as he grappled for words.

“It’s not you—you’re gorgeous,” I said. “It’s me.”

He pulled back and looked me up and down as if assessing the situation. “Somebody else on your mind?”

“Yeah, sorry,” I said, and then scanned the exit, thinking I’d make my escape.

“No worries,” he said, his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s just dance.”

And that was exactly what we did the rest of the night. Until he found another hookup and left right before closing. But releasing all of that energy felt so damn good that when I finally rolled into bed that night, I fell right asleep.

* * *

I
cleaned
up my transfer sheets and scissors because Jessica and Bethany were meeting me downstairs in another ten minutes.

“What are you going to do if you see him?” Tori asked as she scrolled through her text messages. She was having Richard over and I was glad to have a reprieve from her scrutiny.

“I made sure it was a night he doesn’t volunteer.”

Tori didn’t know what to do with me anymore. I knew how to fake it out in public, but when I was back home I could let it all hang out.

“Listen, the guy is sorry. From everything you told me, Sebastian sounds like a pretty solid dude. He didn’t
mean
to be attracted to you,” she said. “Yeah, it was a dick move to not tell you about Alan from the get go, but at least hear him out, see what else he has to say.”

I couldn’t believe she was saying any of that shit. I continued tidying up the kitchen and ignoring her because I didn’t think she was on the right track at all.

“You like to come up with excuses, you know that?”

I stopped scrubbing down the table with the wet sponge. “Excuses?”

“Every guy you meet is too much of this or not enough of that. But you never complained about Sebastian—that’s how I know you have feelings for him,” she said, practically pointing her finger in my face. “Your relationship with Alan was four years ago and you learned a lot about yourself from it. You won’t let anybody take advantage of you again. So why not give somebody new a chance?”

I threw the sponge in the sink and pushed in the chairs. “I don’t want to be with anybody.”

“Sure you don’t,” she said, twirling her finger at me. “That’s why you’ve been moping for a week straight.”

Thankfully the buzzer rang and I waved goodbye, jogging down the stairs to meet Jessica and Bethany in front of my building. It was rare to see Bethany outside of the bar but she looked great in some black leggings and an ombre beaded tunic that illuminated her brown skin. I’d kill for her complexion.

“So your dad was fine with the fundraiser idea?” I asked as we began walking west toward Houston Street. Maurice, who always emceed our shows was pretty strict about what happened inside his bar. The good thing was, he didn’t allow any shit to go down in his establishment. As Sebastian had witnessed the other night, the first sign of public drunkenness, the culprit was quickly ushered out and into a waiting cab.

“My dad loves the idea,” she said, “as long as I run everything by him first.” She twisted her head and rolled her eyes but I caught the gesture. He was pretty protective over her and we all knew it.

When we stepped inside Safe Harbor, Andre was standing in the hallway with Momma Leon, who was wearing an apron and a smile. I introduced my guests to them. Then he escorted us to his office, which was no bigger than a dimly lit closet down the hall. I respected him even more for that. We discussed some possible dates, and agreed that in addition to a cover at the door, it would also be a ticketed event.

“This is really generous of you,” Andre said, his rich voice sounding choked up. Then his gaze zeroed in on me. “I’m glad that Baz introduced us.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Me too.”

“And I plan to tell him when I see him.” He stood up and we followed him to the door. “He should be arriving any minute.”

My heart climbed to my throat. “I didn’t think he...uh, was around tonight.”

He turned to me, his eyebrows arched, probably wondering why I looked nervous. “He wasn’t supposed to be. But I was in a bind and he agreed to help make some emergency bags,” he said. “For our homeless guests who come to meals. They contain soap and canned food, things like that. Our driver, Johnny, also travels around the city and drops them at certain locations.”

“That’s amazing,” Jessica said with awe in her voice and all I could think about was Sebastian as a child living under that bridge. What he wouldn’t have given for some of those supplies.

Lost in thought about Sebastian losing his mom and going into foster care, everything suddenly became illuminated, one solid idea taking center stage. Like when Candy Cane made her entrance in the mock green J Lo Versace dress, everyone pinning their hopes on the wardrobe tape staying in place above her navel.

Sebastian didn’t know his history, his genetics even, and so the idea of somebody withholding information was probably obscene to him. As soon as Alan said it, Sebastian needed me to have that envelope because it was a part of my past and made me who I was. I had no doubt Sebastian felt deeply that it was the right thing to do. I just wished he’d gone about getting it to me in a different way.

Jessica nudged me. I had totally missed their conversation. “You cool with that?”

“Uh sure,” I said and her smile had a dreamlike quality to it, like she was doing some kind of good deed. I understood that feeling, because it was that way for me my first visit.

“Most of this stuff was donated, even the bags, which can be used as storage.” Andre led us to this back room piled sky high with supplies and tote bags.

“We got some folks to lend you a hand.” My eyes scanned the room and landed on Sebastian, who stood frozen with a can of beans in his hand. “I figure if you form a relay line, it’ll go quick.”

Sebastian snapped back into action and motioned to us, but it felt like it took me nearly a full minute to recover. “Uh, just stand in front of a station and I’ll pass down the bags to fill.”

Jessica and Bethany moved toward the soap and the toothbrushes, which only left the space next to Sebastian, in front of the maxi pads. Amazing how even an assembly line could put new things into perspective for me.

“What are you doing here?” Sebastian whispered to me.

“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” I mumbled back. “We came to discuss this fundraiser idea that Bethany had.”

“A fundraiser at Ruby Redd’s?” he asked and I nodded. “Wow. That’s…really great.”

As we got to work for the next hour, every now and again my arm would brush against his, sending pinpricks of electricity over my skin. I was struck by how attracted to him I still was after everything that had gone down.

“Tate, I…” he said and I stared at his mouth. “It would be nice to at least be civil to each other.”

“I’d like that too.” The words seemed to come automatically and I noticed a small smile had indented his cheek before he turned away.

I’d admit it felt good just being next to him again. When all the bags had been filled, they were loaded up in piles in a couple of different locations. Bethany and Jessica were involved in a conversation with Andre while both Sebastian and I lingered near the exit.

“So I guess I’ll see you around,” I said as Bethany motioned to me to start walking back.

“Yeah, okay.” Sebastian’s shoulders slumped and the small defeated movement sliced my stomach.

He walked out the door ahead of me and then suddenly turned back. “Do you think we can…I don’t know…be friends again someday? I know that’s a long shot.”

“Maybe,” I said, my pulse beating erratically as something that looked like hope flitted through his eyes. “Just not right now.”

His shoulders dropped. “I get it. For what it’s worth, it was nice seeing you again. Thanks for helping with the bags.”

I watched him turn and walk away before joining my friends on the walk back.

“Trouble in paradise?” Jessica mumbled near my ear as she hooked her arm through mine.

“Something like that.”

Later that night I lay in bed with my phone in my hand. I flipped to Sebastian’s number and got up the nerve to send a text.

Will you answer some questions if I have them?

Sebastian: I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

God, I liked that about him.

You didn’t know about me while Alan and I were seeing each other?

Sebastian: Hell no. I would’ve… I don’t know…

Would’ve what?

Sebastian: Would’ve encouraged him to leave his wife, come out, or something. What he did was wrong.

After another minute I typed the words that were plaguing me.

But I was in it with him.

Sebastian: Are you saying you knew he was married?

Sebastian had never asked me, so I wondered if he had made his own assumptions.

Not until the very end. That’s when I left.

I remember how Alan tried to convince me that his wife had a lover on the side too. Even if she did, what we were doing was so fucked up and wrong. Way wrong.

Sebastian: I’m sorry.

After another beat my phone buzzed again.

Sebastian: Can I ask you something too?

Go for it.

Sebastian: Where did Tate fit into your relationship? Tate as himself. Not Tate as Frieda.

My stomach bottomed out. After seeing those photos, I supposed the question was at the forefront of his mind. At this point, I had lived with the shame of it for years. But somehow confessing it to him would be flaying me open all over again. I was just thankful I couldn’t see his eyes, his expression, or his pity.

I thought about the one time I had showed up at Alan’s hotel room as Tate with a little eyeliner and lip gloss thrown in for good measure. After he opened the door several emotions crossed his face. Anger, apprehension, disgust—at me or himself, I wasn’t sure which.

“Sorry, you’ll have to go away. I’m waiting for somebody else.” As if I had tricked him or done something to offend him. “Somebody who was supposed to be wearing red stilettos and my favorite garter belt.”