Nolan turned around, and looked at me so sadly I almost worried he might cry. I wondered if it were my fault he looked that way, if it were true that he’d wanted to kiss me since he got back. How was that even possible? He was the same boy that had avoided Hannah the minute it was clear she could offer him something more than what he’d had with anyone else. Why in the world would he pursue a girl with a baby, a girl with more responsibility than he’d even imagine at this age?
“Because he cheated on you,” Nolan said, his voice steady. “He cheated on you and I called him out on it because you don’t deserve that. Not after everything you’ve gone through, everything he put you through.”
The next few moments felt more like watching a movie in slow motion than actually living it. I felt my knees buckle and I sank down slowly to the floor. “What?” I whispered.
Nolan walked over to me and bent down so that we were eye level. “He cheated on you,” he repeated gently. “Back in July. I found out and told him he needed to get his act together because you deserved more and Harper deserved better. He told me to mind my own business and I threatened to tell you if he didn’t. We got into a fight and he stopped talking to me. I thought about telling you, before I left for California, but… I saw you with Harper, and how happy you were and I didn’t want to ruin that. I regret that now, more than you’ll ever know.”
“Who?” I whispered, desperate to know who it was that had taken Adam away from me, even for just one night.
Nolan shook his head sadly. “It doesn’t matter, Lainey.”
“Yes it does,” I insisted. “Was it Maggie? Please tell me it wasn’t Maggie.”
“It wasn’t,” he reassured me. “She knows better than to come near either of us anymore.”
“Then who?” I felt tears fill my eyes and they began to fall without any resistance from me. “Please, Nolan. Who?”
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Natalie,” he said finally.
“Natalie?” I repeated, a sick feeling invading my body. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
And then it all fit together. The end of the school year last night, hearing about the cookout Erin was throwing for one of Morgan’s old high school friends. I’d known then that it was her. Some sort of sixth sense. But then she had been forgotten.
But apparently not by Adam.
“How many times?” I whispered.
“Just once that I know of. But we stopped talking after that, Lainey. I’m so sorry. I wish I didn’t have to be the one to tell you, but with the way Adam’s been acting and with the way I feel…”
“I have to go,” I whispered, and this time Nolan didn’t try to stop me.
“I’ll drive you,” he said and put his arms around me, pulling me from the ground.
Chapter 25
Nolan wanted to come inside with me but I refused to let him. Whatever was about to happen wasn’t going to be good and having him there could potentially make it even worse.
I stepped in the door and Adam emerged from the back of the house. “Where have you been?” He asked, looking both surprised and relieved. “I thought you were supposed to be home over an hour ago?”
“I’m sorry you had to take care of your own daughter an hour longer than you wanted,” I said sarcastically, taking off my jacket and hanging it on the rack by the door.
“What the hell, Lainey. I asked a question. I just put her down for a nap if you want to go check on her.”
He headed towards the TV and I followed him, placing a hand on his shoulder before he could sit down. He turned around and our eyes met. I was suddenly full of emotion, every one imaginable. His eyes, the same dark espresso color they’ve always been. The same eyes that had caught me in the first place, trapped me. His lips, full and always kissable, hiding the teeth that presented the perfect smile. His dark hair, the exact same shade as Harper’s, cut the same way it had always been. Short, but long enough to run my fingers through. How my fingers ached to run through those strands now.
I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He responded immediately, pulling me closer to him and brushing his lips against mine. His kiss was so different than Nolan’s, softer and filled with so much tenderness. There wasn’t urgency behind it, just familiarity. He kisses felt like home. My heart broke into a million different pieces.
“Why?” I whispered when I pulled away from him, dropped my arms from around his neck. He stared at me, confused.
“Why what?” He asked.
“Why her?”
“Who?” He repeated, his eyebrows furrowing.
“Natalie,” I whispered. “Why her, after all you went through with her? After all you went through with me? We have a baby, Adam.”
His face fell and lost all color. “Lainey…” he started, but didn’t finish. He had no idea what to say to me.
“Is it because of that?” I asked. “Is it because Harper was a lot more than you bargained for? Do you regret all of this? Is that why you went back to her?”
“I didn’t go back to her, Lainey. It was a mistake and I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but…”
“But you didn’t,” I finished for him. “It was five months ago and you haven’t said one word. I wondered why you changed so much overnight but I never thought it could be that.” My eyes filled with tears and I wiped them away frantically, but to no avail. They just kept flowing.
“Let me explain,” he said moving towards me, but I backed away. There was nothing for him to explain, nothing left for him to say. He’d cheated on me. Scott warned me it would happen sooner or later back when I was pregnant and blind and I’d insisted otherwise. He’d cheated on Maggie because he didn’t love her, but he loved me. He loved me and our baby. How wrong I’d been.
“There’s nothing to explain,” I said.
“There’s a hell of a lot to explain. Lainey, you have no idea what I was going through after Harper was born. It was so much at once. You were so emotional all the time and Harper was so needy, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything for either of you. And then you started pushing me away. All you wanted to do was take care of Harper and it was like I didn’t matter anymore. You have no idea how that feels.”
“You really think I don’t?” I asked. “How do you think this feels?”
“I’m sorry, Lainey. I’m so sorry. Please try to understand.”
“Please tell me it was just that one time,” I whispered, thinking back to my kiss with Nolan. If it were just that one time, an honest mistake, a lapse in judgment, then maybe I could forgive him. I’d done it myself, not just with Nolan but with Adam when we first met. A kiss wasn’t the same as sex, but I could forgive him if it were just once. I could move past it.
His face fell even and I knew. I knew it wasn’t a onetime thing, but an ongoing thing. A sob escaped my throat and I attempted to run back to our bedroom. He grabbed me before I moved more than a few steps, pulling me against this chest.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and I could tell he was beginning to cry. I wept into his chest, soaking his shirt in a matter of minutes. But I didn’t care. I had never experienced pain like this before. At least the physical pain of delivering Harper had been worth it in the end. But nothing good could come from this. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
“I love you so much, Lainey. I messed up and I know that but I never stopped loving you.”
I tried to imagine how much he could have possibly loved me when he was kissing her, touching her, and then going back for more. It didn’t seem plausible.
“How long?” I asked him, once I’d gotten ahold of myself enough to form words again.
“Please don’t do this,” he pleaded. I was determined to find out everything I could. No matter how much it broke me.
“How long did it go on for?” I asked again, my voice more stern this time.
“A few months,” he whispered. “We broke it off in September. She left again and she isn’t coming back. I swear Lainey, it’s over for good.”
“You cheated on me for two months,” I said and it came across as a statement more so than a question. But there was no question about it; he’d just admitted to it. For two months Adam had been unfaithful to me with the girl that had gotten away. The girl that broke his heart. Somehow that made it even worse.
“I regret every second of it,” he insisted, but I didn’t believe him.
“I’m leaving,” I told him, though I had no idea where I was going to go. Bella Vista, probably. It was December, which meant it was probably half-dead. Nora and my dad were getting divorced. I could go back there and it could be like before, except not just me and my dad. There would be Mason and eventually Cynthia and maybe even Hannah. Maybe this would be the thing convincing her to stay.
I’d come full circle and it didn’t feel any better.
“No,” Adam begged me. “Don’t leave. I swear I’ll do whatever you want to make up for it. I’ll stay home every single night and I’ll be better with everything. I won’t put so much pressure on you. I’ll do anything. Lainey, please don’t leave.”
Now he was the one crying, the one about to lose whatever grip he had left on sanity. But I forced myself not to care. I smiled sadly and pulled my engagement ring off. A part of me had a feeling we weren’t headed to the altar anytime soon, let alone this coming June, but it still hurt to do so. “Here,” I whispered, handing it to him.
“No,” he whispered, desperate, and followed me into Harper’s room. Our baby girl was still fast asleep, oblivious to the turmoil going on around her.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to her, even though she couldn’t hear me and wouldn’t understand. But more than anything else, I was sorry. Sorry that her father and I weren’t going to be able to make this work. Sorry that she was going to have to grow up with broken home, the way so many other people I’d known had. I wanted to be the exception. I’d wanted to give her all that I’d never had for myself and it wasn’t going to happen.
Adam stood in the doorway and remained silent as I packed up Harper’s stuff. He followed me into our bedroom when I was done and closed the door behind us.
“Don’t leave,” he said again and I ignored him. There was nothing he could say that was going to change my mind. I could forgive one time, but not two months full of times. Times when he was away from me, our little family the furthest thing from his mind. Times when Natalie was the girl he loved once again because that made me think maybe it had been her all along. Maybe I was just the girl who was willing to give him everything she hadn’t been, a replacement.
I didn’t know if that were ridiculous or not, but it hurt either way. It was over because it had to be. There was no going back form this and honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d want that, anyway. This was his doing.
I packed my bags and he watched me, the look on his face growing more desperate with every passing moment. I wondered how it felt, watching your life dissolve before your eyes. I felt I might know firsthand, but I’d become numb right after his confession. I felt nothing but sheer determination.
“Where are you going to go?” He asked finally.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
“Go to my parents’ house. Stay there until we figure this out. Or stay here and I’ll leave.”
“There is nothing left to figure out, Adam. You cheated on me. While I was at home taking care of our baby, you were out doing… things I don’t even want to think about with your ex-girlfriend. There’s nothing left, Adam. It’s over.”
“It’s never going to be over,” he insisted and it hurt me how much he seemed to honestly believe that.
I packed as much as I could in the two bags I could find and decided I’d come back for the rest later. Or leave it. I wasn’t sure yet. I grabbed a photo album of all Harper’s baby pictures and shoved it on top of my clothes.
“No,” Adam pleaded, trying to grab it back, but I pulled the bag away from him.
“Move,” I said. “I need to get this by the door so I can call Mason to come pick me up.”
“Don’t do this,” he whispered. “Think about Harper. She deserves for us to make this work even though I screwed up. Please Lainey, do this for Harper if not for me.”
“Don’t you dare bring our daughter into this,” I said angrily. “She has nothing to do with it and you didn’t think of her when you were off with Natalie. So don’t you dare try to bring her into this and force me to stay. My mind’s made up.”
“I love you Lainey. I’m so sorry.” I ignored him and pushed past him, dropping my bags off near the door and going to the nursery to get Harper. He followed close behind.
I stopped before entering the nursery and turned around, staring him straight in the eye. “Nolan kissed me before,” I informed him. “Before he told me about you and your secrets. I think you should know that I stopped him before it went anywhere. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I knew I needed to keep our relationship intact and going strong, and because I love you. So keep that in mind when you decide to start hating me for this.”
He opened his mouth to reply, but I never heard what he said. I stepped into the nursery and closed the door behind me as I got our daughter ready to leave.