“Because I’m afraid you aren’t in love with me anymore. I’m afraid that what I did, what Natalie and I both did, changed that. And I’m afraid you were in love with Nolan, whether you’ll admit it or not, and that his death somehow made it more permanent. I needed to see it in your eyes, some sort of jealousy, to know that you still love me. That there’s a chance you could ever want me again.”
“Adam,” I whispered, but he didn’t let me finish.
“It was there, Lainey, the look I needed to see. The look that told me there’s still a chance for us, as angry as you still are at me. And I don’t blame you for that, not at all. I’d be angry with me, too. But you need to know that after everything I did, everything that’s happened over the past few months, I still love you. That’s never changed and if anything, it’s grown stronger. I’ll never stop loving you and not just because you gave me the most beautiful daughter in the universe, but because you’re you. You’re my Lainey, and you have my heart in a way no one else is ever going to, and that will never change. I’ve broken so many promises to you over the past year, but that’s one I’ll never break. I promise I’ll love you until the day I die and for however long whatever comes after lasts.”
I felt tears fill my eyes, and I was speechless.
Please don’t do this
, I pleaded with him silently. I wasn’t ready for it, not again. I wasn’t sure I ever was to begin with. He squeezed my hands and looked down for a minute, collecting himself.
“What I’m trying to say is this, Lainey. Will you please find it in your heart to try to forgive me, if not now, somewhere down the line and please be my girlfriend again?”
I nearly fell over in shock and relief.
Girlfriend
? I thought to myself.
Did he really just ask me to be his girlfriend?
“What?” I asked and my voice must have sounded funny because Adam laughed softly.
“I asked you to be my girlfriend,” he repeated.
“That’s all?”
“Yes, that’s all. You don’t even have to be my live-in girlfriend. That’s what I want, but you don’t have to. I understand if you still want to go back to Bella Vista and I’ll support that decision. We could go back to dating, if you do. I’ll pick you up on Friday nights and we’ll make out in the back of my car before I drop you off at home.”
I laughed, reaching up and wiping at a few tears that escaped. “No back seats of cars,” I said. “I don’t think I’m ready for that again.”
He laughed and rested his forehead against mine. “Okay, no back seats of cars. But still dates and at least once a week. Sometimes we can bring Harper with us, sometimes not. You’re both picky eaters so I’d prefer not for the most part. It would be too hard to try and please both of you.”
“Okay,” I whispered. He grinned, that same grin he’d had that night on the beach.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He kissed me then and it was out first kiss for more than two months. An electric shock rushed through my body and I clung to him tightly. Our lips broke apart, but he continued to hold me close and in that moment I realized that I forgave him. I’d never forget but I didn’t think I was expected to. But I forgave him for his mistakes because I could see that the Adam I fell in love with was still very much there and still very much in love with me.
“Just promise me one thing,” I said once my breath was back.
“Anything.”
“Promise me you won’t propose again anytime soon, even if you think it will keep me from falling in love with another guy.”
Adam laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “Okay, I promise. You can do it next time.”
“Deal,” I said and hugged him as the water washed up over our feet. If I squinted my eyes just the right way I could almost imagine that we were back nearly two years earlier, outside of Nolan’s house. His white shirt would transform into his leather jacket and he’d be that same boy again, the one full of mystery that swept me away.
Chapter 39
Julia was in the living room waiting for us when we got home.
“Did you have a good time?” She asked, smiling at us when we walked through the door.
“It was alright,” Adam said with a grin, sliding his arm around my shoulders. Julia smiled knowingly and nodded.
“I’m glad to hear that. I put Harper down about an hour ago. I tried to get her to sample the macaroni and cheese but she refused. She didn’t seem too hungry when I put her down though, so I guess the formula did the trick.”
I held up the bag from the restaurant. “I have some new ideas for tomorrow,” I smiled. “But thanks.”
“Anytime.” She walked over and kissed us both on the cheek before wishing us a good night and heading back to her own house.
“Did she know?” I asked.
“How do you think I knew your dress size?” He replied with a sly grin.
“Good point,” I blushed.
“Hey, don’t look like that. She was happy about it. She’s been on my case like you wouldn’t believe, telling me we needed to work things out and I had to make up for whatever I did to you.”
“She doesn’t know about Natalie?” I asked.
“No, she doesn’t know anything about her. As far as she’s concerned, Natalie was a girl I dated a few years ago that moved away. I never told her about the abortion.”
I found it strange that Ned had known but Julia didn’t, but decided not to think too much of it. Sometimes certain people were better left not knowing things about the people they loved.
“Let’s go see our baby,” I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the nursery. Harper was fast asleep in her crib and didn’t even stir as I leaned over.
“I guess I was wrong,” Adam whispered, kissing my ear lobe.
“It wouldn’t be the first time,” I said with a smile, straightening up and grabbing his hand again. “Let’s take advantage of it.”
“I think I like the sound of that.”
I pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door behind us, even though it was probably unnecessary. He lifted me up like I weighed nothing and tossed me onto the bed, climbing over top of me.
His lips were on mine immediately and I kissed him back as hard as I could. His shirt was off within seconds and I ran my hand over his chest and back, touching every inch of him that I could. I was surprised by how much I missed him, how much I missed this.
All of the awkwardness in the months after Harper was born was gone completely. I felt more like myself than I had in a while.
Adam lifted my dress up, his hands running alongside my legs, his lips now on my neck. I tilted my head back and let him kiss wherever his lips landed, pushing my body as close to his as I could.
It could never feel this way with anyone else
, I realized, entangling my hand in his hair and pulling him even closer to me.
Kissing anyone else could never feel like this. Anyone else touching me could never feel like this.
And just like that it stopped.
“Wait,” Adam said, pulling away from me, his face hovering inches above mine.
“It’s okay,” I reassured him. “I never stopped taking my pill.”
Something flashed across his face and I knew he thought of Nolan.
“It’s not that,” he said instead, kissing my forehead. “I’m glad you thought of it because I sure as hell didn’t, but it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I moved my hands down to his neck and began to rub gently. He closed his eyes.
“You’re making this more difficult than it needs to me,” he murmured, tilting my head back so he could kiss my throat.
“It doesn’t have to be difficult at all,” I told him. “I love you so much. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too and I love you way too much, but this isn’t right.” He groaned and rolled off of me, lying close enough so that our heads were touching.
“Of course it’s right,” I insisted, leaning up on my side and looking down at him. “What’s wrong?”
Say something about Natalie and I’m out that door, and this time I won’t come back.
“We’ve been together less than an hour,” he said. “We haven’t been together,
really
been together
, since November. And then…”
“It wasn’t the same,” I finished for him.
“No, it wasn’t. It was routine. And I don’t want that again.”
“This isn’t routine, Adam. I didn’t just kiss you like that because I thought it was expected of me. I wanted to. I want
you
.” I sat up on the bed, resting my head against the headboard. Adam sat up with me.
“And I want you too, more than you even know. But we can’t do this yet.”
“Adam –”
“Lainey, please. Don’t break down the little bit of resistance I have right now. Just trust me on this. We have so much time before we start that part of our relationship back up again. Let’s just take it slow.”
“We’ve never done that before,” I pointed out and it struck me suddenly how true that was. Within a year we met, shared our first kiss, had sex for the first time, got pregnant, got engaged, and had a baby. It was enough to make my head spin just thinking about it.
“Exactly,” he whispered, kissing me again. “It’ll be something new. It might even be exciting.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Maybe,” I agreed. “But does that mean I can’t kiss you?”
“Oh no, you definitely have to kiss me. A lot, actually. It’ll make it more of a challenge.”
I kissed him and he lay back down on the bed, pulling me with him. Our lips broke apart and I snuggled close to him, my head just under his chin.
“Does this mean you want me to move out?” I asked.
“That has to be your decision,” came his reply.
“If we take things slow, wouldn’t it be difficult to live in the same house as each other?”
“Yeah, but we’ve been sharing the same bed without incident for a month now.”
“That’s different.”
“Not for me.”
I sighed, conflicted. Deep down I knew I didn’t want to move back to Bella Vista. I loved Mason and the idea of spending more time with Cynthia when she came back, but the idea of living back in my old bedroom, lacking in Hannah was just… sad. And chances were it wouldn’t improve my relationship with my dad any more than if we just continued living separately and talking a few times a month. It hadn’t helped the first time around.
“Do you want me to ask you to stay?” Adam asked. “Is that what you’re waiting for?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. He sat back up and pulled me with him. We rested back against the headboard and I looked at him expectantly.
“Stay,” he said, reaching over and stroking my cheek. “Stay and keep sharing this bed with me, innocently, and keep our baby girl in the room she’s familiar with. Stay and yell at me for taking up your side of the bed and not cleaning up after myself and be here when I get home every day from work. Stay and kiss me every night before you go to sleep, even if you think I’m already asleep. Stay and keep this family complete.”
“Okay,” I said easily, my decision having already been made after the first word. I wasn’t going anywhere.