Chapter 33
Nolan didn’t make it.
I was sitting with Greg, our hands intertwined without a word spoken between us when we heard. The doctor came out pale and looking exhausted and told us. His parents were still out of town. Ned was the one who made the call.
Adam was going to be okay. He had a broken arm and a concussion. Some scrapes and bruises. He’d have to stay at least one night, but the doctor wasn’t concerned.
I didn’t understand why Adam was going to be okay and Nolan wasn’t. I didn’t ask. I would find out later that the car rolled after being hit by another car and going over an ice patch. The person who hit them was mostly uninjured. They didn’t even have to stay overnight.
Julia asked me if I wanted to see Adam, but I said no. Part of me was angry at him. Angry that he’d asked Nolan for a ride knowing there was a storm. His parents had to have been home at the time and even so, everyone in that family had a car. He could have asked for a ride or to borrow their car or wait until another day. He didn’t have to ask Nolan for a ride. Despite my better judgment, in those few moments in that hospital waiting room, I blamed him for all of this.
But I knew that as much as it was his fault, it was also my fault. I shouldn’t have asked Nolan to pick up medicine for Harper, especially since she hadn’t coughed once after I asked. Not that I could remember. The nap we’d taken together was already a blur, I could barely remember waking up. I just knew she woke up crying and that I’d held her until suddenly Mason was there, taking her from me. And then I was in a car, coming to the hospital.
I had no idea what to expect.
What if Adam had died?
I found myself thinking. What if it had been Adam instead of Nolan? The thought made me sick. I stood up, pulling my hand from Greg’s and ran into the nearest restroom, not even bothering to check first to make sure it was the right one. I ran into a stall and bent over the toilet and threw up until I knew there was nothing left. And then I threw up again.
I cried for the first time since the phone call right there in the bathroom. I sobbed until I felt empty and then sobbed more and more. I heard the door open and didn’t care to check. I felt someone pull me from the ground, but didn’t bother to see who it was. I’d find out later it had been Greg and that he’d followed me right into the bathroom. I’d been there a total of two minutes.
We stayed for a while longer before going home. I didn’t go back to the apartment. I wanted to see Harper, but I couldn’t bear to go back there. I slept in the guest room at the Montgomery’s house, the same bed I’d slept in the entire time I’d lived there. But it didn’t feel familiar and it didn’t feel comforting.
Nolan was gone. Just like that. Wiped from the life we’d shared together as of recently and his future, the one he’d been planning to have with Hannah. He wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t going to open the door and flash me that crooked grin of his and say it was all a joke, he was just keeping me on my feet. He was never going to joke about being Harper’s stepfather or tell me that I should have picked him in the first place. He’d never hold me against him again or kiss my forehead. He’d never give Hannah the gift he’d gone out to get her that day. He’d never kiss her again or tell her that he loved her. Hannah would never know firsthand what it felt like when Nolan Reeves told you he loved her. It was so unfair. I’d been a part of his life for a month and I knew how that felt better than she ever would.
Hannah.
No one had told her, I was sure. Mason wouldn’t be the one to do that. I wasn’t even sure he knew.
I was going to have to be the one to tell her. She’d been so upset at first when she found out about us. But she’d gotten over it because that was how Hannah was. She’d been so excited when it seemed like maybe things between her and Nolan could possibly work out. She didn’t want to admit it, but I knew because if there’s anyone in this world I know for sure, it’s Hannah.
I don’t remember if I slept that night at all but suddenly it was morning and Greg was sitting at the edge of my bed. I sat up, dazed and still in my clothing from the day before. I felt even worse when I realized it was one of Nolan’s shirts; I’d taken it over when I’d first moved in. It had that extra soft cotton feel to it, perfect for sleeping. I held it to my nose and breathed in, but it didn’t smell like him anymore. I began to cry and without a word, Greg’s arms found their way around me.
Amazing what grief does to people. A year ago he could barely stand to look at me. Now it seemed his purpose in life was to comfort me, make sure I didn’t fall apart completely.
“Mom wants us to go to the hospital,” he said when I’d finally calmed down a little.
“Go ahead,” I said. “I’m going to call Mason.”
“She really wants you to go, Lainey. She’s as upset as you are.”
“No,” I shook my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Lainey, please. Adam’s been through a lot and he was asking for you last night. Please just go see him.”
“No.”
Greg’s jaw clenched but he said nothing else. He got up from the bed and left, slamming the door behind him. Julia came to check on me a few minutes later but I pretended to be asleep, burying myself under the blankets.
They left ten minutes after that.
I pulled myself out of bed and didn’t bother brushing my hair or even looking in the mirror. I slid my shoes on, grabbed my coat from the floor and walked downstairs. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be home so when Ned said my name, I screamed and nearly jumped out of my skin.
“What are you still doing here?” I asked, placing a hand over my chest.
He looked at me calmly. “Julia and Greg went to the hospital. I stayed so I could take you.”
“I’m not going,” I said.
“Yes you are,” he replied, and his voice was firm. I shook my head, tears building up again.
“I can’t, Ned. I’m sorry.”
“You have to,” he repeated. “My son needs you right now. And regardless of whether you’re together or not, that little girl you made together makes you family and so you’re going to go to the hospital and you’re going to do whatever it takes to help him get better.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Lainey,” he said, coming towards me, his voice softening. “I know this is a shock to you. It’s a shock to all of us. And I know that what my son did to you was terrible and I don’t blame you a bit if you hate him right now. But Nolan was his best friend and he was there when it happened. He’s going to need all the support he can get right now and you need to help give it to him. Once he’s healed, you can forget he exists except when it comes to your daughter for all I care. But for right now you need to be there for him.”
I found myself nodding almost against my will. He put his arm around my shoulder as we made our way to his car. The snow was already beginning to melt and I started to cry again. Soon, the very reason Nolan wasn’t here anymore would be gone too. Like neither of them ever existed in the first place.
The ride back to the hospital was silent except for my tears. I followed Ned into the hospital and then onto an elevator then down a hallway until we reached Adam’s room. Julia and Greg were inside but when they saw me, they got up and immediately left. I think Julia might have smiled at me, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t smile back.
Ned left with them, leaving Adam and I alone in the room. He looked bad. He had a bruise under his left eye and a cast on his right wrist. But he was sitting up and he was dressed in regular clothes. I stepped towards him but stopped with still a few feet left in between us.
“Why?” I asked softly.
“I don’t know,” he said, looking at me sadly.
“Why did you make him give you a ride?”
“Please don’t blame me for this.”
“I need answers. I can’t do this.”
“It was an accident. The roads were bad. It would have happened anyway.”
That didn’t help. I started to cry and Adam started to walk towards me. I backed away until I was pressed against a wall. I felt so small, so helpless. This was the worst pain I’ve ever been through in my life. Worse than when my mother left for the second time. Worse than the pain of giving birth to Harper. Worse than the night I found out Adam had cheated on me.
I loved Nolan. Maybe we would never amount to anything more than friends and maybe we hadn’t gotten off to a great start, but I loved him. It wasn’t a romantic love, not really. It went deeper than that. We found each other when we needed someone the most and became that person for each other. And now he was gone, ripped from my life forever. Ripped from Hannah’s life, Adam’s, his parents. Ripped from Harper’s life long before she could have a real memory of him.
For whatever reason a quote I’d read somewhere before drifted into my mind. It was about people entering your life for a reason, even if you didn’t always know that reason beforehand. Sometimes they left quickly and your life went back to normal. And other times they left footprints on your heart and you were never the same again. That was Nolan for me. He was unexpected and our connection was quick and new, and now he was gone. But I’d never be the same again.
I sobbed so hard I nearly fell over and Adam caught me. This was unfair. He was the one in the hospital, the one beat up and injured. The one that survived the crash with the knowledge that Nolan died. And yet here he was, holding me up. Keeping me from falling to the ground. Maybe that would be Adam’s role in my life. Maybe no matter what we each did to each other, no matter how much we both hurt, we would always be there for the other. We’d always catch each other before we fell to the ground.
I didn’t realize he was crying until I became aware of how wet the top of my head had become. I clung to him tighter, no longer wanting to place the blame on him. It wasn’t his fault. Like he said, it was an accident. It probably would have happened regardless. Maybe it was fate, I don’t know. I’ve always had such a hard time believing in that but right now I almost wanted to. I didn’t want Nolan’s death to be for nothing.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered back. “I’m just angry and confused and scared and I needed someone to blame. If anything, it’s my fault.”
“No it’s not, Lainey. He wasn’t even going to get the medicine. The roads were getting too bad so he was just going to go home without stopping. So don’t blame yourself, please.”
“Where did you have to go, anyway? Where did you go that was so important?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said and even though it did, I didn’t press the subject. I didn’t need to know, just like I didn’t need to know the details on exactly how Nolan died.
My phone rang and my heart sunk when it was Hannah. She still didn’t know. I hadn’t answered the day before, when we were supposed to talk and compare our list of Christmas presents.
“I have to take this,” I said and Adam understood what I meant when he looked into my eyes. Kissing the top of my head, he walked back to his bed and I left the room.
Hannah hung up on me two minutes later. I wasn’t surprised. She had no way of knowing how to deal with this. It went above and beyond anything either of us had ever experienced before. I had a feeling it might be a long time before I heard from my Hannah again.
Chapter 34
I never went back to Nolan’s apartment.
Adam was released from the hospital two days after the accident and insisted on going back to the guest house despite Julia’s pleas for him to stay in his old bedroom. I contemplated moving back into Bella Vista but after a discussion with Mason, it was decided I’d move back into the guest house with Adam.
I was worried about how Adam would take the news, afraid he’d get the wrong impression. We weren’t getting back together as far as I was concerned. I would move back in, put a cot in Harper’s nursery like I’d originally planned and take care of both of them the best I could. With his arm in a cast up to his elbow, I wasn’t sure he’d be able to go back to work yet and he might need help around the house. I knew Julia or Sylvia could easily do it but for some reason I felt obligated.
Cynthia still had a few days left in Haven and they offered to take Harper until Adam was settled in. My first instinct was to say no. There was no way I was going to go a few days without my daughter. The night of the accident was the first night we’d spent apart, ever. But Mason reassured me she was fine. A little fussier than usual, maybe, but fine. She could last a few days without me and I could visit her if I needed to. But Mason and Cynthia could offer her their full attention, something I wasn’t able to do.
The funeral was going to be on Tuesday, two days before the start of the New Year. Hannah was going to be back by then, but I only knew that because Mason told me. She never called back after she hung up.
I didn’t hold it against her. I knew she wasn’t angry at me. Just upset and I couldn’t blame her. They were preparing to reconcile and he was taken away from her. Forever. She’d loved him, even though she hadn’t ever come out and admitted that. Nolan was her first love and now he was gone.
I ignored the hopeful look in Adam’s eyes when he found out I was moving back in, however temporarily. I ignored the way he tried to hold my hand with his good one on the ride home from the hospital and the way he kept staring at me in hopes I’d look back at him. I had so much going through my head, trying to figure out where Adam and I stood seemed like just enough to tip me over the edge.
It was clear Julia wanted to stay after she’d helped us get settled back into the guest house but it was also clear Adam wanted her to leave and so she did. She hugged us both tightly first and shot me a hopeful glance before closing the door behind her. I knew what she was thinking. Helping Adam out until he got better would lead to certain reconciliation.
Mason had brought my stuff back while I was at the hospital with Adam so I unpacked everything, reminding myself that this wasn’t permanent. I’d be packing my bags again soon, once Adam didn’t need me so much anymore. I left the bedroom, a feeling of dread resting in my stomach. I didn’t want to be here. I missed the openness of Nolan’s apartment, the freedom it signified. I missed how everything felt so easy there. Despite our one night make out session, there had never been any expectations. I’d put a stop to it and he’d accepted that. With Adam, there was just too much left unresolved.
He was going to expect me to go back to him. I knew that. He was going to expect me to forgive what he’d done, forgive the relationship he’d had behind my back. He was going to expect me to take him back and to move on, to keep this family intact because we’d all already lost so much. And I wanted to, so badly. But I wasn’t sure I could.
I’d forgiven enough people. Someday I would forgive Adam. But not now. It was still too soon and it would mean too much.
The truth was, I just wanted to be alone. Completely and totally alone. I wanted to care for no one but Harper and have no one but Harper put expectations on me. I hadn’t been single, completely single, since before my fifteenth birthday and that was completely unacceptable.
Sometimes it terrified me, how young I still was. Seventeen and for barely two months. Seventeen and already two failed relationships behind me, one more serious than the other, but still. A baby, another human life that depended entirely on me. No relationship whatsoever with my own parents. A newfound best friend that was gone from this world at just nineteen. It was all too much.
Adam was on the couch when I finally convinced myself to go back out there and he was sitting with his head in his hands. The cast only covered up to his elbow and it looked uncomfortable to sit that way. I sat down beside him and rubbed his back gently.
“Are you okay?” I asked. He didn’t answer.
“Do you need anything?”
“I don’t know how this happened,” he whispered. “A few days ago, everything felt… possible. And now…”
“Now nothing feels possible,” I said.
“I should have never gotten mad at him.”
“You were mad at him?” I was surprised to hear this.
“No, not when it happened. I mean before, back in July. I never should have gotten mad at him for telling me what I needed to hear. He was only defending you and I just couldn’t handle it. I knew he was right and I hated it.”
“He forgave you a long time ago,” I reminded him gently.
“He shouldn’t have.”
We sat in silence after that. I didn’t know what else there was to say. I didn’t know why Adam called Nolan on that day, of all people and I didn’t want to ask. I was too afraid it would involve me and make it my fault. I had become the only thing they had in common.
“Did you two ever…” He didn’t finish his question but he didn’t have to.
“No,” I said. “Almost, but no.”
“Almost?” I ignored the pain in his voice. It wasn’t fair for that to hurt him. He’s done a lot more than ‘almost’ with Natalie and we were far from broken up at the time.
“The first night I moved out,” I said. “I was upset and things got carried away. I stopped it.”
“Oh.”
“Stop, Adam.”
“What?”
“Playing the victim. You’re the one who cheated on me. I’m sorry all of this happened but it’s not going to go back to the way it was, ever.”
“I’m not playing the victim,” he insisted. “I just wanted to know. I was going to ask Nolan but it never came up.”
“Why did you call him that day?” I asked, finally.
“My car broke down.”
“I know that. But why Nolan, when you’d barely spoken to him since he came back? Why not borrow one of your parent’s cars, or even Greg’s?”
He sighed and suddenly looked a lot older than his nineteen years. “I was killing two birds with one stone.”
“What?”
“I didn’t
need
to go out that day. But I heard Nolan telling Greg at the Christmas party that he needed to somewhere the next day, to get a present for Hannah. He was bragging about it because you know how Greg kind of has that thing for Hannah and all. I remembered that when I realized my car wasn’t going to start, so I called him. I figured I’d get done what I needed to do and smooth things over with him in the process.”
“Why did you want to smooth things over?” I demanded. “You’ve acted like you hated him for the past month.”
“Because he’s the only best friend I’ve ever had. I messed things up when I cheated on you and when he came back I knew he was going to try and get you. Maybe that sounds paranoid, but I felt it as soon as he showed up at our door. I always felt like maybe he kind of had a thing for you, I don’t know.”
“We were friends, Adam. We went a little further than we should have a few times but at the end of the day, we were always just friends.”
“I know that now but I was so jealous. I knew what I’d done and I was afraid you’d do the same to hurt me. I know that sounds ridiculous. I know you aren’t that kind of person. And that’s why I wanted to talk to Nolan that day. I wanted to apologize for everything, make things right again. I didn’t want to lose my best friend over mistakes I’d made.”
“Did you make up?” I asked. “Before it happened?”
“Yeah, I apologized and he told me it was nothing, that we never stopped being best friends.” His eyes teared up. “I never gave Nolan credit for what a great guy he really was.”
“I used to hate him,” I admitted ruefully, my eyes forming tears of their own. “I thought he was such a jerk.”
“He was,” Adam laughed. “But it wasn’t real. He put up that front. I don’t know why. But he’s always been a good guy at heart.”
“I know,” I whispered and rested my head against him. “I miss him so much.”
We cried together then on the couch, holding each other in nothing more than comfort. We grieved for the person we’d lost, the person we’d both loved in different ways at different times. I grieved for the unexpected connection we’d made, a connection I’d thought would last a lifetime. I grieved for his last few words for me, the words I’d say to him a month ago repeated back. He’d loved me, in a way I wasn’t sure he’d ever loved someone else before. In a way that didn’t have to involve sex or dating or drama. He loved me because I’d been there for him when he needed someone the most, when he was afraid his life might fall apart and he didn’t know how to stop it. I’d loved him in the same way, for all the same reasons.
When our tears finally subsided I asked the question I hadn’t gotten an answer to yet. “What were you getting that day?”
Adam was quiet but I knew he’d heard me. He turned to me with a soft smile and shook his head slightly.
“Maybe I’ll tell you, but another time.”
I never asked again.