Chapter 40
“I can’t believe you’re falling for it again,” Mason complained, eliciting a glare from me in return.
“I’m not falling for anything.”
“He cheated on you, Lainey. Do you not remember everything you went through after you found out?”
“Of course I remember. I just don’t want to dwell on it for the rest of my life.”
Mason said nothing for a while after that remark. It was Sunday afternoon and he’d come right over after I called to tell him the plan to move back to Bella Vista was being called off. Adam left before he got there, at my urging, but Mason and I decided to take Harper for a walk anyway.
“Is it too much to expect you to be okay with this?” I asked. “Why can’t you put aside his mistakes and be happy that we’re making this decision for Harper’s sake, if nothing else? And it’s not like I haven’t made any mistakes of my own over the past few months.”
“You never cheated on him,” he reminded me. “I just can’t stomach that, Lainey. I’m sorry but I can’t. He knew what he was doing and the ramifications of what he was doing, but he went ahead and did it anyway. I can’t imagine that’s going to be good for Harper in the future whether you’re together or not.”
“One mistake,” I told him. “One mistake and you’re going to hold it against him forever?”
He was quiet for a few minutes before answer. “No,” he admitted. “But he’s going to need to work extra hard to get back in my good graces. What are we going to tell Dad?”
I shrugged, unconcerned with what to tell him. “I guess I’ll just say I changed my mind. It isn’t like he’s never done that before.”
“No, but I think he was looking forward to you moving back. He hasn’t been the same since the divorce was finalized.”
“It was his third divorce. You’d think he’d be used to it by now.”
That earned a small chuckle from Mason, but we remained quiet for much of the rest of the walk. I peered over the top of my stroller and noticed Harper was watching everything around her with wide eyes, like she’d just noticed all of this for the first time.
Harper was my greatest inspiration. I loved the way she looked at the world, like everything was new and still completely possible. I longed to be that way again and sometimes she gave me hope that I could.
“Just don’t have any more kids with him,” Mason said finally, throwing me a smile that let me know he was only half joking. “Harper’s great but let's definitely keep her an only child until you’re sure he’s never going to do this again or until you’re married for at least ten years.”
I rolled my eyes. “We’re not getting married or having any more kids any time soon. You can count on that.”
“Good.” My older brother put his arm around my shoulders as we made our way back to the house. Adam still wasn’t home. I ignored the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, even though I knew it would be a while before that went away, if ever.
I didn’t regret forgiving Adam. I knew it was the right thing to do and I knew he was genuinely sorry. But I also knew I was never going to be able to forget and that I was going to hold onto this memory for a long time.
But it wasn’t the only memory I was forced to hold onto. Nolan still haunted my dreams, our friendship and the few moments in which it became more than that. I still had mixed feelings over it, feelings I could never really come to terms with. On one hand, I knew that I loved Nolan in a different than how I loved Adam. It was the kind of love that would have ended someday if we’d pursued it. We would have grown apart, become different people. It didn’t have the lasting feeling that I got with Adam.
Sometimes I regretted the kisses we’d shared, the night when things almost went too far. But other times I was grateful for it. Grateful that I’d gotten to experience being close to Nolan that way, knowing that it would have been our only chance. But then I remembered the pained look in Hannah’s eyes when she found out I was staying at his apartment and all the happiness I’d felt from that night disappeared.
I missed Hannah almost as much as I missed Nolan. It couldn’t be equal because I knew Nolan wasn’t coming back. But sometimes I feared Hannah wouldn’t, either. There was nothing left for her here. The family we’d both wanted so badly had fallen apart and we’d each moved on to new ones. She with her father, stepmother and stepbrother, and me with Adam and Harper.
I missed her but I knew I had to let her go. I refrained from the urge to call her every time Harper did something new or every time I felt lonely. I’d let her call me first; make the decision for herself what she wanted us to be. She was settling in and I knew she needed to be happy. More than anyone I knew, she deserved it.
Sometimes I allowed myself to remember that time in the hospital, the day after Christmas. The first few moments of not knowing what happened. I realized now that I’d never even really considered the possibility that Adam could have been the one who died instead of Nolan. Given the difference in their injuries, I knew that realistically that never would have happened, but one decision made differently could have changed everything.
Even when I was sure we’d never find our way back to each other, I couldn’t imagine life with Adam. He was more than just my boyfriend now, he was Harper’s father. And I was beginning to realize that made him more important to me than almost anyone.
Mason sat down on the couch when we got into the house, making it clear he wasn’t going anywhere. I stifled a sigh and took Harper’s extra clothing off before setting her down on her blanket with her toys. She still had the Pack N Play, but I tried not to use it unless absolutely necessary. It still reminded me too much of Nolan.
I poured some of her favorite puffs into a small bowl and placed them down beside her. She looked at them curiously before taking one and within minutes most of them were sprawled all over her blanket. I sighed.
“She’s going to be a handful,” Mason predicted.
“Nah,” I said with a smile. “She’s going to keep being an easy baby.”
“Yeah, okay.”
I plopped down beside him and raised my eyebrows. “Are you trying to curse me?”
“Nope, I’m just letting you know that you’ve got it in for you. I can tell.”
“Are you the baby whisperer now?”
“Nope, just a devoted uncle.” He bent down and scooped Harper up, ignoring her protests. He placed her on his lap and kissed the top of her head.
“Enjoy this moments while you can,” he told me in an overly ominous voice. Harper turned to look at me, her eyes wide and innocent. I burst out laughing.
Chapter 41
The doorbell rang the first week of March, stopping me in my tracks. Little good came from the sound of the doorbell ringing. First my mother, who left a week later and nearly shattered me for the second time in my life. Then Hannah. Of course it was good seeing her again, but I wasn’t so sure coming back to Haven had been such a great idea for her in the first place. Last it had been Nolan and who knew when I was ever going to come to terms with that.
I opened the door slowly, not peeking through the small window first. I nearly fell over when I saw her standing there.
The girl from the supermarket, then the burger place Hannah and I’d had lunch at. Natalie.
“He’s not here,” I told her, surprised by how steady my voice was. Her face grew even paler, as if she hadn’t expected me to actually speak to her.
“I know. I mean, I figured. I’m here to see you.”
“Oh.” We stood there for a few seconds, staring at each other. Finally I stepped back, allowing her entry. Harper was taking her nap and I was grateful for that. I suddenly felt a need to protect her from Natalie even though I couldn’t be completely sure why.
“This is nice,” Natalie said and I knew she was referring to the house.
“Oh, you haven’t been here?” I asked, unable to hold the sarcasm back. I knew she hadn’t been. During Adam’s entire ‘relationship’ with her, I’d rarely left the house. I also wanted to think that maybe he’d still had enough respect for me back then to not bring her to the home we shared.
“Of course not,” she said and looked so uncomfortable that I almost regretted my words.
“Do you want anything to drink?” I asked, walking towards the kitchen before waiting for a reply. I took a bottle of water out and waited for her to answer.
“No, I don’t plan on staying too long. But thanks.”
I turned back to her and waited expectantly. She glanced at the couch and then back at me. I said nothing.
After what felt like an eternity she sat down without being invited to. “I came over to apologize,” she said.
“Okay.”
“So I’m sorry. For everything that happened with Adam and for talking to you those two times like nothing was going on. I know it was wrong but I guess I couldn’t resist.”
“Hm,” I replied, staying where I was. I guzzled half the bottle of water in one gulp, hoping it would somehow calm my nerves. It didn’t.
Natalie glanced around the room and I wondered if she were looking for Harper.
That’s probably why she’s really here,
I thought, fighting back an urge to tell her to leave. Harper represented everything she could have had but decided not to. And I represented everything she could have been.
I tried to imagine Natalie here, doing everything that I did on a daily basis and being okay with it. Their baby would have been much older by now, at least three or close to it. I tried to imagine Harper as a three year old and couldn’t. This place would be too small for her then.
“I know you probably hate me and that you probably hate me even more for showing up like this and I can’t explain why I felt I needed to, I just –”
She was getting herself flustered and I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. “I don’t hate you,” I said.
“You don’t?” She looked both relieved and confused.
“No, I don’t.” I walked over and hesitantly sat down next to her. She turned so we were still facing each other.
“You should,” she said slowly. “After everything that happened…”
“I don’t need details,” I cut in. “Adam told me everything I needed to know. I can’t say that I want to become best friends or anything, but I definitely don’t hate you.”
I’d thought about it before, how I felt about Natalie and I realized that there would be no point in hating her. Yes, she knew it was wrong to be with Adam when he was not only with me but had a daughter, but that her mistake to live with. She cared about him; I could see it in her eyes, even now. She was in enough pain without me adding to it with harsh words and anger.
“Thank you,” she said, because I’m sure she didn’t know what else to say. I smiled.
“Don’t thank me. It just isn’t worth the energy. You had no loyalty to me. Adam was the one who needed my forgiveness and I forgave him.”
“Good,” she said, but judging from the look in her eyes I wasn’t so sure she really meant it. “He deserves to be happy.”
“He is,” I said and almost winced at the pain that crossed her face. If I were anyone else, maybe I would still hate her. But I knew her only crime was loving the same person I did and in the end, he’d chosen me. That was more punishment than she deserved.
Harper began to cry then and I had no choice but to get up and check on her. Natalie remained on the couch, looking stunned.
I walked into the nursery and scooped Harper up, holding her close and soothing her. “It’s okay,” I whispered, rubbing her back. But she wasn’t about to let up. Sighing I carried her back into the living room, half expecting Natalie to be gone.
But she was still there and her eyes found Harper as if she’d been looking for her to entire time. I fought back a feeling of jealousy.
“Teething?” She asked and I nodded.
“She’s gotten so big.”
“I know. My brother thinks she’s going to be a handful when she gets older.”
“If she takes after Adam, I’m sure she will.” She smiled and I frowned at her. Somehow I wanted to forget that she knew Adam as well as I did and especially that she’d known him first.
I sat down and continued to soothe Harper and eventually her tears subsided. She looked curiously at Natalie, who stared at her as if she’d never seen a baby before. “She looks exactly like him,” Natalie said. “I mean, I see some of you in her, but -”
“No, she looks exactly like Adam,” I agreed with a soft laugh. “If I hadn’t given birth to her, I’d have doubts she were mine at all.”
“She has blue eyes, though,” Natalie pointed out.
“They’re the same color as my mom’s.” I was pretty sure Natalie didn’t know a thing about the issues with my mother and strangely enough, I was grateful for that. One less person to have to explain the whole story to. She just nodded, accepting my answer.
“She’s beautiful.”
“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Natalie nodded and I saw tears glisten in her eyes before she had a chance to blink them away. I realized that as hard as this had been for me, maybe it was a little worse for her. It wasn’t just any baby that I was holding in my arms, it was Adam’s baby. That must be doubly hard for her.
“Do you want to hold her?” I asked before I could talk myself out of it. Natalie’s eyes opened wide.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “She might freak out a little bit, but she does that with everyone except me and my brother.”
“Even Adam?” There was a hint of a smile on her face.
“Yeah, even Adam sometimes.”
“Okay,” she reached her arms out and I placed Harper carefully in them. She looked at me like I’d betrayed her before finally looking closely at Natalie. She reached over and grabbed a handful of straight blonde hair, tugging.
Natalie winced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah, she does that,” I said with a smile. I’d never gotten around to getting that haircut I’d wanted months earlier.
After examining Natalie a little longer and letting out just a few protesting sounds, Harper relaxed in her arms and rested her head against her chest, watching me closely the entire time. I reached over and squeezed her tiny hand.
“I guess she likes you.”
“Either that or she’s too tired to protest.”
“She’s never too tired to protest.”
“You’re handling all of this way better than I would,” Natalie admitted. “Not just this situation with me showing up unannounced, but everything. I don’t think I ever could have been okay with all of this.”
“Do you regret it?” I knew I was out of line but I asked anyway. Something told me Natalie would understand and she seemed to.
“Yes and no. I regret it because I think about it every day and seeing people my age with kids back where I went to college didn’t help. But I don’t regret it because I know I was too young and far from ready. Adam was even younger than me, there was no way he would have been able to be there the way I would need him to. And besides,” she smiled the saddest smile I’d ever seen on anyone. “He never loved me the way he loves you.”
“That’s not true,” I protested. “You were his first love. He’s admitted that to me.” I ignored the pang in my chest when I remembered the night of Valentine’s Day and his confession that he and Natalie were still in touch.
“I know I was, but you’re his last love and that counts for so much more.”
His last love.
I blinked, wondering if that were true. He’d told me it before, that he would never fall in love with anyone again, that I was it for him. But until this moment I never realized just what it meant, not completely. It filled me with nervousness and excitement all at once.
“And I think you should know that what happened between us this summer, it wasn’t about love. At least, not for him.”
“I don’t know,” I said, wanting to avoid thinking about that. Adam had given me his reasons why it happened and whether or not I was satisfied with the answers he gave me, I never wanted to dwell on them.
“It wasn’t,” she insisted. “I knew that before it started and believe me, I knew it when it was happening. His mind and heart were always with you.”
“It doesn’t feel that way, knowing what happened.”
“I know and I’m sorry. But it’s true.”
The front door opened before either of us could say another word and Adam stepped in. He took his jacket off, his back to us, oblivious to the fact that Natalie was in the room. I wondered how she’d gotten here and if she’d driven why he hadn’t recognized her car.
“There’s a big storm coming,” he called as if expecting me to be in a room other than the living room. “Paul let us go early so we didn’t get stuck. Want to order something in for dinner?”
“Um, Adam?” He spun around, surprised by the sound of my voice. He dropped his car keys as soon as he spotted Natalie, Harper in her arms.