Chapter 35
I didn’t see Hannah until the funeral and even then, we barely spoke.
It seemed like everyone in Haven had shown up to pay their respects and say their goodbyes. I saw Nolan’s parents but kept my distance. Chances were they didn’t know who I was anyway. I was pretty sure that in his brief conversation with them, Nolan would have failed to mention the fact that he had his best friend’s ex-girlfriend and daughter living with him in his new apartment.
Afterwards there was a luncheon held at the most expensive restaurant in town, the same one we’d had lunch at that day we went apartment hunting. I felt too sick to eat and Adam seemed too sick to stay, so we left early.
I wanted to say something to Hannah before we left but there didn’t seem to be anything to say. Adam’s car was still broken down and Julia had refused to let him drive anyway so we caught a bus. It seemed like a silly thing to do, leaving a place full of people who could drive us but we didn’t want to ask. There was something about Nolan’s death that made it hard to talk to people.
Harper was coming home that night. They had skipped the luncheon and Mason was at Bella Vista with her, getting her stuff ready while Cynthia attended her interview for the job at Haven Elementary School the following year. It was the only day she could be seen and she hadn’t had any choice but to take it. Her future with Mason in Haven depended on it.
I didn’t know how I felt about having Harper back. It had been far too long for her to be away and I missed her like crazy. But I was worried I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on her the way she needed, the way she deserved. Things between Adam and I were still a little tense and I was worried she’d pick up on that. There were still so many things left unsaid, things that would likely remain that way.
I’d already decided that I would stay for the month of January. After that I’d move back to Bella Vista. Mason had talked to my dad about it and he’d agreed. Hannah was moving in mid-January to South Carolina, so I’d move back into our old bedroom, replacing Hannah’s bed with Harper’s crib. It made me sad, but there was nothing I could do about it. At least I could rest assured knowing Hannah was getting a fresh start, somewhere new. She needed that now more than ever before.
The first night with Harper went smoothly. It was like she understood that she was home where she belonged. I’d finally gotten around to finding a cot and I did my best to sleep on it, although it was the most uncomfortable thing I’d ever laid on. But like with everything else, I got used to it.
New Year’s Eve was uneventful and depressing. I remembered the year before, getting angry at Adam because Maggie was hitting on him and he wasn’t doing enough to stop it. I was mad at Nolan that night too, angry because he’d led Hannah on and hurt her. If only I’d known then, the real Nolan. He hadn’t meant to hurt Hannah, I realized now. He’d simply been afraid of her, afraid of the power she held to hurt him. He’d put his guard down and it had happened eventually. But he knew Hannah didn’t mean it.
I wished I had the power to forgive the way he did. Sometimes when Adam and I were alone, I’d look at him and want nothing more than to place his face in my hands and kiss him until we were both breathless. Kiss the pain out of both of us, make it all fade away. But I never allowed myself. I needed to put my guard up, higher this time than ever before. I couldn’t let him back in.
Adam told me what Nolan had been doing that day, the present he had for Hannah. It turned out it wasn’t a tangible gift at all. He’d gone to a restaurant in town to make reservations for New Year’s Eve and ensure the night played off the way he’d wanted. The manager had told him to come in before they closed for the day, which was why he was in such a rush. He could have done it over the phone but he didn’t want to. He’d wanted to make sure it would be perfect.
He was going to ask Hannah to be his girlfriend that night, make it official. He knew she was moving to South Carolina but he was okay with the distance. He missed her and wanted her back. My heart ached every time I thought about it, the loss of possibilities between them. Regardless of my own mixed feelings about Nolan, I knew they would have been a good couple. They would have been good together, to each other.
Midnight rolled around and there was no kiss. Funny. Of the two New Year’s Eves Adam and I had shared together, we’d never once kissed at midnight. I was back to wondering if that was a sign of something.
The clock struck midnight and it was a new year. A year to change things, to improve them. I wanted that but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for it. The weight of the year just passed was still weighing so heavily on me. The year I’d gotten engaged, had a baby, broke up with Adam and lost someone I cared for deeply. It turned out to be a hard year for just about everyone I knew, and I couldn’t say I was sad to see it go.
And yet as the clock struck midnight and the crowd on TV cheered, as Adam’s lips didn’t graze mine, as Harper started to cry in frustration, I was filled with nothing but remorse.
This was too much for someone at seventeen to handle.
Part III
Beginnings & Endings
Chapter 36
“It was a new engagement ring,” someone said behind me, nearly causing me to jump right out of my skin.
I spun around to find Adam standing in the doorway of our bedroom, leaning against the door frame. I put a hand over my heart, the same way Sylvia did whenever she was startled.
“You nearly gave me a heart attack, Adam! What are you doing home already?”
He held up his arm, showing a lack of a cast. I closed my eyes, remembering. He’d been going to work regularly since the week after the accident, even though he couldn’t fulfill his duties completely. I’d forgotten he was leaving early today to have his cast removed.
“I forgot. I’m sorry. How’d it go?”
“Fine,” he replied, walking into the room and frowning at the bag on the bed. “What are you doing?”
“Adam,” I replied, in a tone that warned him not to start. It was the middle of February and the ending of our agreement. I’d stay until he was completely healed, then move back to Bella Vista.
“You’re really leaving?” He asked, sounding honestly surprised by the news. I wasn’t really sure what he’d expected but then again, the lines of what we were to each other had long since blurred.
“Yes,” I replied. “I’m packing now so I won’t have to this weekend. I’m moving all of the stuff in on Sunday.”
“Why?”
“Because that was what we agreed to,” I said calmly. “I’m pushing it back to Sunday so we can spend the day tomorrow figuring out custody.” It was a conversation I was dreading. Not because I didn’t think we’d be able to come up with something, but because I didn’t want to imagine having to spend even a few days a week without Harper.
“But I thought…” he shook his head, not completing his sentence. He sat down on the bed next to my bag and continued to look at me expectantly.
“What?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable. I wished I’d remembered his doctor’s appointment. I would have started packing at least an hour earlier so he wouldn’t have walked in during the middle of it. I wasn’t sure exactly what I’d expected from him when he found out I really was planning on moving out, but I could only assume it wasn’t going to be pretty.
“Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.”
I nodded slowly. He didn’t have to remind me of that. I knew it all too well. Last year’s memories of Valentine’s Day hadn’t left me alone all week. Adam’s proposal. Hannah and Nolan’s first official date.
“You’re not even going to ask me what I was talking about when I walked in?”
I blinked. “About the engagement ring? What were you talking about?”
He smiled that same smile that used to melt me. I looked away to avoid the possibility.
“That’s what I was going to buy the day of the accident.”
I felt my blood freeze and I frowned at him. “Why?”
“I didn’t think you would want the old one back, considering.”
“I wouldn’t. But why would you even bother buying a new one? We weren’t together, Adam.”
And we still aren’t, and we might never be again.
“Because I was going to re-propose to you.”
“Why?” I avoided looking at him, the way I’d come to do in the past few weeks when he broached subjects I wasn’t comfortable talking about. I knew Adam still held onto hope that we were going to get back together, had probably assumed I wasn’t even going to bother moving back to Bella Vista. But the plans had already been made and there was nothing he’d done to prove to me that it was worth staying here. And even so, there were too many memories, too many ghosts.
“Because I saw you in the den on Christmas, with Nolan. I heard the things you were talking about.”
“You were spying on us on Christmas?” I asked, annoyed. I grabbed another stack of shirts from the drawer and began re-folding them even if it wasn’t necessary. I felt the need to do something with my hands, keep busy. Keep this conversation going with the hopes that it would end quickly.
“Yes,” Adam replied with no reservations. “I followed you to the den and watched you until I was pretty sure I knew what was going on.”
“And what was going on, exactly?”
“You were telling him that you loved him.” His voice was calm, which caught me off guard.
I felt annoyance surge at me. Adam had been so great in the weeks since I’d moved back in. We’d gotten along so well. And now here he was, ruining all of that by expressing jealousy over someone who was gone from this world. Someone that I missed every day and found myself aching for at times.
“I did love him, Adam. But it’s not the way you seem to think.”
“I know what it was,” he continued calmly. “I loved him too, Lainey.”
I looked at him for the first time since he’d begun talking and saw sadness in his eyes. Not jealousy, or anger or any of the emotions I’d imagined he still associated with our break up and my subsequent involvement with Nolan. Just sadness in its purest form.
“Okay, so what does that have to do with you going to buy a new engagement ring the next day?”
He sighed, a tired sound. “I was going to get a new ring and propose to you before he could change his mind about getting back together with Hannah and the two of you ended up together.”
“Adam, that’s the most –”
“Ridiculous thing ever, I know. That’s why I’m telling you. Not because I want you to feel bad or sad or anything, but so you realize that I have actually changed, at least a little bit. I realize now that I can’t win you back with a promise of marriage and a fancy ring. Not only are you not that kind of girl but you deserved better than that. I’ve given you so many empty promises over the last year and a half and I realize that, Lainey. It’s taken me a while but I want you to know I realize it.”
“Okay,” I said, because what else was there to say? I knew Adam had changed. But then again, everything had changed. I’d been glad for February to arrive because January had proven to be too much.
I sat down next to Adam, pushing my bag to the floor and not caring that some of the clothes spilled out. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, letting him hold me even for the briefest of moments.
We were just six weeks into the New Year, and what a new year it had been. The very first weekend, just days after Nolan’s funeral, Hannah moved to South Carolina. She hadn’t even told me beforehand. It was Mason who ended up breaking the news.
I received an email from her a few days later once she’d gotten settled. She wanted me to know that she didn’t blame me for anything and she wasn’t mad, but she just needed to be away. Saying goodbye would be too hard. She apologized for not being around Harper enough since she moved back and when I responded I told her how unnecessary that was. She would be a part of Harper’s life in whatever way possible at any given moment. She already was, every day. I’d given her Hannah’s middle name
She hadn’t been back since. We kept in contact a few times a week through text and email, but no phone calls. It still seemed too soon somehow. Even though she said she didn’t blame me, part of me was pretty sure she held some resentment. I was with Nolan the days before he died. I was with him constantly for an entire month and she hadn’t been. They’d been so close to reconciliation and it had never been given a chance to happen. I knew Hannah held that close to her, whether she’d ever come clean and admit it or not.
My dad and Nora’s divorce had been finalized a few weeks later. I didn’t know the exact date. It had been pretty amicable, considering. Nora agreed not to try and regain control of Bella Vista or even request half of the money if my dad ever sold it, since she hadn’t put a dime of her own money into it. That was the reason she used, anyway. But I’d always suspected that maybe it was more she didn’t want any memories of the life she’d once shared with my dad, nothing to hold her to them or to Haven.
Cynthia had gotten the job she’d applied for the day of Nolan’s funeral and she was moving to Haven in June. They’d stay at Bella Vista, probably for a while. My dad was going to let them have his and Nora’s old bedroom and he’d get a pull-out couch for the office to sleep on. Hannah’s room was currently empty, but not for long.
My dad was trying. For the first time in so long I could see that. He called me now. Not regularly, but sometimes. We’d talk and sometimes we’d even spend a few hours together. He was getting to know Harper and more importantly, she was beginning to know him. Nolan’s death was to thank for that, I firmly believed. Although my dad didn’t know him, maybe it forced him to realize that we aren’t permanent and that just because he’s older and my father didn’t mean that he’d be the first to go. He finally seemed to realize that maybe I wouldn’t always be around and he should appreciate the time we had together.
Whatever the reason behind it, I was glad. I’d felt like an orphan for far too long and although I enjoyed being a mother far more than I enjoyed being a daughter, it was still an important part of me.
I’d gotten my report card for the semester, and my highest grade was a B+. Most people, I was sure, would be proud of that. To experience everything I’d been through and still manage to get decent grades was a good thing. But I’d never gotten anything lower than that in the past and it stung.
I was depressed for a week after getting the report card and considered calling the principal and asking to go back to school for the semester. I knew he would let me. We’d discussed that at the beginning of the year, when I was still figuring out my options. But in the end I decided against it. I’d continue with this for the rest of the year and if my grades didn’t improve I’d go back the next year. I just couldn’t add anything new to my plate right now. Maybe that wasn’t the most mature decision but I was beginning to learn that sometimes the mature way and the right way weren’t always the same thing. Not when you’re seventeen.
These changes hadn’t escaped Adam. He still went out, but it wasn’t like before. We each had two set days a week where we could go out and stay out for as long as we wanted and the other would take care of Harper. No questions asked. We weren’t together and I made it clear that he was allowed to start dating again if he wanted. I never asked if he took me up on that offer.
I knew that on his “free days” he was usually with Brad or some of the other guys at work. Paul was really cutting him a break, letting him remain on the payroll even though he couldn’t really do any work until his cast was removed and even for a while after then. But the guys didn’t seem to mind. They gave him a hard time over it, but they knew the situation. They knew his childhood best friend died in that accident.
Brad stayed with his girlfriend. It wasn’t him who had called that night in September, it was Natalie. Adam admitted that to me one night a few weeks after I moved in, completely out of nowhere. In time he’d told me everything. All the details, things I didn’t want to know but somehow needed to. He asked me not be angry with Natalie after I told him how we’d met in town and spoke. She wasn’t a bad person and she’d felt guilty over their relationship. He was the one who convinced her it was going to be fine and he’d even admitted that at one point, he’d considered leaving me for her.
That had been so hard to hear but I was glad I knew. It showed me that Adam was done hiding things if he could reveal the most painful things he’d ever hid from me. It made us stronger.
But still, we weren’t together. I didn’t sleep on the cot anymore, after experiencing some of the worst back pains of my life. But he kept to his side and I kept to mine. Sometimes I’d wake up and he’d be holding me in his sleep, but I’d pull away and he wouldn’t do it again for the rest of the night.
And now sitting in our bedroom together, my bags mostly packed, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Not really. Part of me did believe that moving to Bella Vista would be the best. My dad and I would ultimately spend more time together and it would bring us closer. Mason would be there and soon so would Cynthia. I’d be surrounded by family; my family.